Take it back, I want it back.

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Have you ever felt like you have lost control of your body?  That no matter what you do it’s not yours anymore?  My body changes so much I barely recognize it.  In the past 7 years I’ve gone from 180 to 140 (diet and exercise) to 160 to 115 (Crohns) to 140 (Remission) to 125 (Crohns) to 145 (now – Prednisone and psuedo-remission).  I don’t recognize my body.

I look in the mirror and sure, there’s that scar from the bike that went into my leg.   Oh look, that birthmark and can’t forget my tattoos.  I recognize the chicken pox scars on my rib cage and the scars from my boots on my ankles.  Other than that?  Meh.

When I was at my lowest weight I hated myself, I looked in the mirror and saw my ribs poking out and my hip bones protruding.  I looked like I had starved myself and I resembled more a bobble-head than a person.  I looked in the mirror and hated my body.

When I finally got up to my resting weight 130-140, I felt a bit more comfortable but the weight had distributed differently.  I got used to it though, and tried to learn how to wear clothes differently.  I figured I at least I didn’t look like I was starving.  My body could still do the things I wanted it to.  I could dance, I could run my few miles a few times a week.  I could live.

Then I got Pneumonia.  It became harder for me to run more than a couple of miles at a time, that was back in what? June? I am still coughing up stuff.  Then Tim left, and being a single mom of a 4 year old?  Well, let me tell you, it doesn’t afford running very much.  If you have no sitters, like myself, no running at all.

Then I started the Prednisone after the Humira failed.  Almost immediately my body changed.  My face swelled and I lost sight of my cheekbones that drew so many compliments.  My fingers, wrists, ankles and feet swelled and ached.  I gained 10 lbs.  I lost my body again.  I couldn’t fit into my clothes and I hated looking in the mirror.  Nothing like moon-face and two psuedo black eyes looking back at you to kill any good mood.

I am weaning off the Prednisone and am almost done.  The swelling has gone down and I dropped 5 lbs already but I still don’t recognized myself.  Looking the mirror today I realized I don’t see me anymore.  I miss seeing myself in the mirror.

Today I have decided to get my body back.  I have decided to take it back and keep it.  I am on so many drugs I can’t even count them all anymore, but they will not have me.  I’ve slowly been making changes to my diet and sneaking in quick work outs here and there, but today?  I’m setting a goal (and ya’ll know how I am about achieving my goals) to get myself back.  I’m speaking to someone about products she’s using to prevent further hair loss (Since starting 6mp my hair is thinning, and quickly) and what she uses to help her skin (break outs).  I’ve re-created a stronger work out schedule since I can no longer go running, and I’m changing my diet back.

I will get my body back.  I will learn to see myself in the mirror and again be proud of myself.  I will be me, not just inside, but out.

Fuck Crohns.

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4 thoughts on “Take it back, I want it back.

  1. I’m personally going for pink hair extensions to make it look like I still have hair. Of course though I have no good excuse, besides the bebe sucking the life out of me, I just need to take better care of myself in general. So I suppose what I’m saying is, let’s do it together, all though a few hundred miles apart, lol. If you can do it, with bizillions of meds and all, surely I can too, with nothing wrong with me besides laziness and minions ;p Lubs ya!

  2. Yes, I’ve had worse mental breakdowns about my hair falling out than I have about the actual Crohn’s I think, lol. It’s seriously like half the thickness it used to be…which isn’t horrible bc it was CRAZY thick to begin with…but I still miss it :/ I shouldn’t have to empty the hair off my brush once a week! Ugh! But yes, this is the absolute worst part about Crohn’s is literally feeling like you have zero control of your body…looking in the mirror and thinking “That’s not me.” Wondering where the real you has gone…I’m feeling optimistic bc I now weigh 93 pounds!! Lol…which as sad as that is, really is an accomplishment since a few weeks ago I was about 85 or 86. I’ll stop gorging myself when I hit triple digits again. I have a GI appt tomorrow and it’s the first time in over a year I’ll be able to tell him I feel good!!

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