Relationships and Tolerance.

Standard

Almost everyone has standards (albeit some of them have extremely low standards), we have standards pertaining to jobs we’ll accept, behavior from our children, and how dirty our homes can get.  We have standards for friendships and what I’m writing about today, we have standards for our committed relationships.

Being a single girl out and about is most definitely amusing.  The different types of guys you meet will blow your mind and if you’re lucky (or unlucky enough) you’ll have that wonderful opportunity to compare two men who are making chase after your single self.

You’ll think about them, you’ll compare.  “Well (insert guy here) is way more my physical type.” (<- Meaning, his ass is FINNNNNE) “Well (insert guy here) he seems like a bad boy though, (insert guy here) will probably treat me better.” “(Insert guy here) has a good job and his own place, and (insert guy here) is gorgeous but do I really want to pick him up every single time?” As well as the inevitable, especially in smaller towns – “Well my friend said (insert guy here) is a player, do I want to risk it?” or “(insert guy here) said he cheated on his ex, do I want to risk him cheating on me?  And (insert guy here) has the approval of the girls.”

Comparison.  We decide what we want in a relationship, out of a guy we’re considering committing ourselves to.  We might give up the (oh my god need a new pair of panties) good looks for someone we’re sure is a sweetheart.  We might turn down the date with the sweet guy because he isn’t financially as secure as we are (admit it girls, most all of you, especially ladies with children, ex-husbands and houses…. are you really going to date the guy who lives with his mom and doesn’t even have his own car?).  We might take a risk and date the bad boy because… well simply? We can sleep with him, but why not date him so we can sleep with him multiple times?  Helloooooo ripped abs.  We decide what we want, what we’ll forgo, or tolerate to get what we want in a man.  We decide ultimately our future relationship problems.

We tend to lower certain or some standards to get the end result we want.

Lets analyze my fucked-up-love-life-past shall we?

I actually don’t have too many standards, but the ones I have I stick to the majority of the time.  I said majority, not all the time, so lets apply these to my fail of a marriage.

My two biggest rules are : (call me a bitch for the first if you like)

You have to look good.  Not perfect.  Good.  I want someone who looks decent and more importantly cares about how they look.  I want someone who puts in effort to their health and appearance (and therefore our sex life).  You don’t have to be the hottest thing out there, but I’ll pass on the beer gut and greasy hair.  Oh and brush your teeth please, and while your at it?  Smell good.

I want commitment.  I don’t trust people easily, and seeing as how I love attention myself I don’t commit easily.  I’ve enjoyed being single and dating , playing the field, and have passed up on some very promising relationships because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit… because I wasn’t ready to give up “the single life” and the chase that comes along with it.  I don’t want to commit myself to someone who can’t commit to me.  If I can go as far as to delete “my collection” from my radar, I expect a man to be faithful to me.

Now with my ex-husband, when I met him he was decent looking.  Far from gorgeous (sorry T, I totally wasn’t digging the teeth) but he kept himself the best he could.  He did his hair when we went out, he wore nice clothes, and eh, I didn’t have to be drunk to want to sleep with him.  As far as he said, he didn’t cheat on his girlfriends.  He didn’t commit unless he was sure he would be with that person.

Well, the physical attraction didn’t decline right away, (however it sure did towards the end )but I proved myself to be a very stupid girl in the latter regard.  Tim never did cheat on me, that I can prove anyway, but he was more attention seeking than  myself.

I won’t lie, it’s flattering as all get out when someone-who-is-not-mine hits on me.  I’ll accept drinks and flash my smile and enjoy the compliments and attention.  However, I do not go seek this attention.  (If I’m committed) I have my man, and I get enough of that with him.  I just enjoy the attention.  Eventually when it comes up “Well yeah, I have a boyfriend.” or “As tempting as it is, I can’t give out my number, I am seeing someone.”  Anything beyond that in my book is cheating.  Strict as that is.

Shortly before T and I got married, I found something on my computer.  Well beyond porn, because frankly I don’t mind that, I enjoy that, and hell… I’m not going to be uh… in the mood all the time.  I found a couple dating sites.  One on inkednation.com (I think) and another hook-up site.  My fiance, the man who was supposed to love me was on dating sites.  He posted several posts looking for “women in the lake county area” and “women looking to hook up”.  He messaged females, cyber-sex, trading photos and so on.  I never caught him in the act of meeting up with someone because I immediately flew off the handle and ripped off his face.

But for some stupid reason, I stayed.  Hindsight, that was an indictor that he would never be satisfied with just me.  Little did I know, in the beginning months of our relationship he was seeing Kelly (Yes, Kelly from the previous posts) at the same time as myself, and then on top of the dating websites (which apparently never stopped), continued to talk to her and look at her pictures.  For a while I was mad at her (hell, I am again, she KNEW he was married to me) but I now put the blame on him too.  As far as I know, he never met up with her, or anyone else (I could very well be dead wrong) but that brings us back to the original point… I view dating websites, hook-up sites and any attempt at going outside of a relationship (even if there is no follow through) as cheating… which means there is no true commitment.

I should have run because one of my biggest standards wasn’t met… if I can keep my pants on (virtually and real-world), my man should keep it in his pants.  Yet I stuck around until it ultimately had a hand in the end of the relationship.  Hindsight I was stupidly in love and wanted my white picket fence..wanted it enough to drop my standards… and look where that ended me.

 

So back to standards.  In a relationship we know what we want and what our standards are.  We know our past experiences and failures and build our standards on that.  Then we get in a relationship, and we decide if our standards are met, or in worse case scenario to forgo said standard to be with someone.

I guess what I’m getting at ladies, is when it’s time to start thinking about this, you have to think about the risks, the end results.  Ladies with one marriage (or more) already under their belts will be more familiar with this than anyone else.   Do you raise your standards?  Do you compare and contrast?  What if this new man doesn’t meet the bar completely, is it worth the risk?  Is it really wise to make the same mistakes over again just to risk getting hurt because you see potential in someone?  I want to know what everyone thinks on this one, I find it very interesting, and of course have been here myself.  Comments are welcome!

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3 thoughts on “Relationships and Tolerance.

  1. I feel like I’m a bit of a hedonist in my relationships. If in the moment I’m happy even though the person pisses me off sometimes, I stick with it. I ultimately weigh the good times versus the bad times. The quality of the good times versus the quality of the bad times. I know I’m a handful myself (as an Aries AND a Crohnie lol), AND I know that if things feel “perfect”, then I get bored…as my past relationships have proven. Your significant other should not be your everything…they should be the person you want to share your life with, not the person who will be your life. I seek ways to make myself happy outside of my relationship and it makes me happier within it :)

  2. Your post made me think. I don’t think I’ve ever really set any standards! Before I married the first time, I dated & screwed any old idiot with no regard to relationship at all. I gave my ex my youth (age 18-31), and he was a boob. After the divorce, I did everything he hated and found many wonderful things that I loved in the process. As I did that, I realized that I actually liked who I am and developed a big, fat fuck-you-if-you-don’t-like-me-the-way-I-am attitude which served me very well dating for a few years.

    Thinking back though, I realize I still didn’t have any real standards I held to.

    My husband & I have been together now for 12 years, and he is a prince. Best looking guy I know? nope. Balding & beer gut? Sadly, yes. But he’s a truly wonderful man. Responsible, kind, loving. He respects me and frankly adores me and he makes me laugh. So I guess those are my real standards. And I’m never leaving him. I might kill him, but never leaving him ;)

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