Safe in Monotony.

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Well hello there Autumn.  Nice to see you.  I’m enjoying the leaves changing and the first cold nights of the year, but I just wanted to let you know something.  No seriously, you ready Autumn?

Stop making me feel stagnant! Asshole. 

Sometime about this season gets to me, beyond the melancholy crap I normally make others suffer through.  I always go through spurts, but for some reason, the cold crisp air and the smell of leaves really do it.  I feel stagnant.  I feel stuck in place.  Monotony.  I’d rather not.

“There’s so much to dream about, there must be more to my life.”

“My youth is slipping, my youth is slipping away.  Safe in monotony, day after day.”

The thing that fucks me up this year?  I’ve achieved everything I’ve wanted for the year.  I still need to go back to school, but for a change, that’s not really bugging me.  Finishing that bachelor’s degree can fuck off for now.  I mean hell, I found a job I enjoy (most days),  I some how managed to get my stupid ass in a relationship with the boy.. and he treats me like a princess, Noodle is happy, healthy and in preschool, and I’m coming out on top financially… finally.  Things are good.  I’m making progress on the house, coming up with some awesome ideas, and have been actively facing my Crohns Disease and making strides to get better.  Somebody explain to me why I feel stagnant again?

“I’m insatiable, I hunt down my dreams, it’s the only thing I know.”

This song above, literally, word for word describes I feel right now, especially right now, as well as the other times I get into this mood.  I constantly feel like nothing is good enough in my life, and I have to keep going and get better.  “When I have everything?  Will I be good enough?—but I can’t have everything, cause I’m insatiable”.  The lyrics are exactly it.  EXACTLY.

So what do I do now?  As soon as I’m 100% on track with finances, I am going to be painting and replacing trim.  Then next year working on the deck and the yard.  I’m saving for a new car.  Working on getting back in shape (thanks pneumonia).  What do I want to do?  What is going to get rid of the itch in my skin that requires a change?  I want to pick up and move.  I won’t, but it’s that kind of itch.

What’s next?

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3 thoughts on “Safe in Monotony.

  1. It’s actually harder to sit still and appreciate what you have. Far easier to start tearing things up to “improve” our place. I suspect you need to learn to be quiet and listen and you’ll find what it is you are seeking. Love can change the world but only if you share it!

Reply, do it, you know you want to!

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