Beer me.

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Alright, I am aggro today.  For real.  I don’t know what the hell my problem is, but at this point it’s only going to be solved with a beer.  Which I can’t have.  I have to drive.  Eventually.  Which is pissing me off even more.  It’s been a long long, fucking-god-stab-me-in-the-face long week.  I have been looking forward to the weekend the whole time, and I’m already ready to scream… and I’ve only been off work for 2 hours.  Home for 1.

It’s the anxiety again.  Which is stupid, but at the same time I had been wondering where it went.  Instantly I walked in the house and started listing*.  The wondermutt shit on the floor, the dishes need to be done, the floor is filthy.  Oh I need to wash the blankets, I most likely have laundry to take out of the dryer, what is that smell? Shit, I have to do my bills too!

It begins.

So I try to take a hot shower, I figure it’ll calm me down, and it couldn’t hurt the muscles that are stiff and the joints that ache.  My shower is interrupted no less than 4 times.  “Mom I have to potty.” “Mom, I want to put on my costume.” “Mom I’m hungry.”  Times that last one by a million.

So I get out of the shower, more cranky than I started, and after 10 minutes of arguing with Noodle over whether or not we have tortillas, she settles for a lunchable.  It works because thanks to the 6mp I’m so nauseous I don’t even want to drink water.  I sit her down, make a cup of coffee, and hand her her dinner.  Two minutes into it, she’s whining and complaining.  I stopped listening.

So I’m sitting here, damn near tears, looking at the dirty dishes, my cranky child, and the mess that is also known as my house.  I need a night out.  I need 4 hours to myself.  alone.  to go dancing.  to be me.

I am single mom.  Hear me roar.  Or in this case, bitch in frustration.

* Listing is what I call my “function”.  It’s what I do for some reason before/what sets off an anxiety attack.  I’ll make a list of things to-do with out meaning to.  Before I know it my list is long enough to drive Mother Theresa to a Jack n Coke.  I don’t know why I do it, but I do.

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3 thoughts on “Beer me.

  1. Amanda Winski

    Uhm, our brains are pretty in sync. I’m usually an obnoxiously optimistic person, but today was just stressful, depressing, and overwhelming and was the first time in awhile my Crohn’s inflammation has been acting up. And even more weirdly, I’ve never given it a name, but “listing” is exactly what sets my brain into anxiety/oh god-this-is-way-too-much-to -deal-with/ok, now PANIC! mode. And that’s the point at which I want to simultaneously scream and hide under my covers until it all just goes away. Is it a full moon tonight? The weather in Texas changed today…first real cold front. Maybe that’s it for me.

  2. I only have a quick second, because well, you get it. Everyone is yelling my name at one time because for the past 4 hours Mommy finnaly sat down for one cigarette…. gah. Just wanted to say, thank gawd we have a big boat, I think we’re all aboard. Lubs you! Be back in a bit if I can find the number to the gypsies…

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