Fake it ’till you make it bitches.

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…and I’m not talking orgasms people.  Well.  You can fake it if you want to… you know… when sex just sucks that much… yeah.  Anyway (now that my Dad has now vowed to never read my blog again), I’m actually talking about other life-not-sex-related stuff.  I’m a firm believer in fake-it-till-you-make-it.

One example is confidence.  Growing up, specifically grade school, I was very self-conscious.  Like painfully self-conscious.  I was overweight, wore glasses, and basically…. dorky.  My sense of humor was dry, even at that age, and seeing as how I was reading college level before middle school…. doesn’t make for the most popular girl.  Kids made fun of me, and more often than not I went home upset.

Then sometime in the first year of high-school I decided to say fuck it.  Fuck them.  I got into an alternative style (oh god) and did what made me happy.  I wasn’t completely confident in myself yet, but I started faking it.  I came out with this fuck-you-eat-my-ass attitude, and even though I was still shaky on the inside, I was confident on the outside.

By the time I dropped out (yes, you’re reading the blog of a ged kid- hey, I’m farther in college than most of you lol) I had learned something, confidence attracts people.  When you’re confident, self-assured, people are just drawn to you.  That’s the way life works.  What else did I learn?  Somewhere in my act of being confident, I forgot it was an act.

Sure I still had my quirks and things I didn’t 100% like about myself, but for the most part I loved who I was, and didn’t care what other people thought.  Before I knew it, my social skills improved, and people started coining me as “outgoing” and other such words.

That was years ago at this point, and you know?  That fake-it-until-you-make it theory?  I still use it.  Especially lately when I get a little shaken with my appearance.  My weight has fluctuated so much these past handful of years, now with the new drugs my hair is falling out, now in clumps, my skin is no longer clear and my joints hurt.  So on days where I’m down and self-conscious, you guessed it… I fake it.  Usually by the end of the day I’ve gotten over it.

Today?  I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw.  My self-image was pretty shitty.  As the morning wore on I was keeping quiet and to myself, I felt like the whole world could see how much my body hurt and I didn’t want to be that person.  It took a little bit for me to realize that in order to not be that person, all I had to do was NOT be that person.  Sooner rather than later, I was smiling again, laughing, telling my jokes (mostly berating friends) and putting my issues behind me.

Sometimes all it really takes is a little bit of fake.

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