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Acceptance.  It’s hard to accept a body that’s constantly changing, it really is.  Hell, it’s hard to accept your body regardless.  For me?  Well, changing meds, and coming out of a Crohns flare just to go back into one has played hell on my body.  I gained 15 lbs in 5 months, lost 5, gained 10, and now lost 10.  Sometimes I get one hell of a shock when I look in the mirror.  I’m getting used to it, but in addition to the yo-yo weight, my hair is falling out and my skin isn’t so clear.

Well, these past couple of weeks I have been refining my diet.  Which trust me is difficult with the nausea and recurring Crohns pain.  I’ve done it though.  Increased the fruits and veggies, decreased sugar and fats, fixed my portions, and of course have been forcing myself to eat 3 small meals a day, regardless of my lack of appetite.  Healthy foods and good portions are a great way to step back into a healthy diet.

Today?  I upped my work-outs.  Back to daily light work outs, and hopefully a couple good ones during the week (kid-allowed of course).  I was impressed that I can still handle as many reps as I could earlier this year.  I’m sure my stamina in regards to running is shot though, haven’t been running in a while, and after two bouts of pneumonia and a chest cold I just can’t kick, I hate to see what my lungs can do.  Ah well.

So I went to change clothes after a mild work out and dinner tonight, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Regardless of my weight (except for the skeletor look I was rocking in 07/08/09) I always carry it the same.  So the extra weight I’ve gained has decided to settle on my already wide set hips.

I stood in front of the mirror and tsked myself.  I looked at my so-called-love handles.  While fussing over that I ran my hand through my hair and a good handful came out.  I put it up in a pony tail and laughed at the fact that I have a teenagers complexion.  Humph.

I realized I was getting pretty critical of myself.  I stood in front of that mirror and really looked at my body.  I’ve long ago accepted my small chest, and am pretty much used to the stretch marks on my belly (thanks you children for being huuuge), so why am I so critical of my hips.  I have wide hips, I always have, and after two children, they didn’t shrink haha.  I looked at myself and thought back.  I thought about dancing, how many comments I’ve gotten about how I dance with my hips.  I remembered all the people I’ve hugged, walked with, with their hands around my hips.  I remembered carrying  my daughter on one hip, and a diaper bag on the other.  I remembered all of the compliments from boyfriends I’ve gotten.

No one else has a problem with my hips or lovehandles or whatever.  So why should I?

I threw on my comfy clothes, stretched out and thought about it.

I shouldn’t.  After all that my body has been through, it’s still with me.  Children, disease, horrible meds?  Quads, Dancing, Running?  I’ve loved most of my body up until now, why not love all of it?

That is my goal for this next year.  To love my body completely.  To get healthy and maintain my current weight.  To get my energy and stamina back, and to beat back Crohns Disease.

I will win.  I’ve been winning.  I’ve been fighting Crohns Disease for almost 5 years now.  I’ve been fighting for my body for 7.  Why stop now? :)

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