Yes. That phrase came out of my mouth today. In the parking lot of a gas station. To a random stranger.
Today I feel the need to run over my head with my car. Or put my head through the wall. Or take a staple gun to it or something. I am frustrated, the funny part is? I’m frustrated with no one but myself. I feel on edge… like the very edge, about to nose dive off into a rock.
I’m being an asshole today, super ungrateful. Today I am doing the thing I hate most, being ungrateful (because I quite like being an asshole). I’m just aggro. I’m honestly tired of the day to day struggle and to-do. I really am. These past few months have been nothing but rush rush rush, get this done, and that! I always end up forgetting something, and by the time I get home from work I’m just simply exhausted and irritable. (some of that has to do with my current meds)
I want things to not be difficult. (even though I have it quite good at the moment… see why I’m frustrated with myself?!)
I had to deal with my finances today, figuring out what I can afford utility wise for this next month, figuring out how to budget in Christmas goodies, and pay for that stupid baiid device. I had to call the never-ending-robotic-answering service to report a malfunction with said device. I had to deal with my Crohns acting up at work in the middle of said phone call. I get off of work and have to deal with the car… you know the car with two leaky front tires, one of which is damned near flat (for the 5th time this month) and no change to fill it up. I refused to open my mail box to deal with the other bills after I realized I’m over due for a oil change and I figured out how much it would be to replace the tires (much less the bent rims) on the car. Oh… and scratching the ever living fuck out of my hand on the paperclip that has held together my glasses for a year now… while searching my purse for change for the air pump? Line drawn, crossed, and kicked.
So I came home, made the kid and I a pizza, and I’m currently ignoring the mess that is my house. My body hurts and I still have to make it into the shower so the mess can wait.
I’m just irritating myself because I know my life is relatively good, and usually I am grateful for the things I do have. I know life isn’t as sucky as it feels today, but I’m kind of in a slump. I feel the need to spend an entire night gutting this house (because I still have that weird thing where I think that when everything is clean and organized my problems won’t be there lol) and an entire day sleeping…. but alas, must wake up before 6am tomorrow.
Geez. Noodle just broke my cabinet door. I’m going to go pour some more coffee and count down to her bed time. *headdesk*