Having a Chronic Illness is a full time job. You devote all of your time to it whether you realize it or not. You could be at work and there it is right behind your shoulder, wrapping presents and it’s in your head. You could be cuddling your sick child, and still, it’s right there. Like I said, it’s a full time job.
Luckily for me my disease is almost in remission, my Crohns isn’t as active as it has been in the past. The inflammation is centered mostly around a Fistula, so the majority of my pain is a result of that. I’m lucky to not be spending my days in the bathroom anymore, and I can usually maintain a healthy weight.
However, because of that, the fact that I’m not stuck in the bathroom all day anymore I feel like I don’t have the right to talk about how much I hurt because I’ve been so much worse. I feel like I should just shut up about it, and as usual I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it (short of my fellow Crohnies on Twitter). I feel like people will look at me and think I’m making too much of a big deal about it.
Frankly? I’m exhausted. I’m tired of my joints hurting to the point of creating a limp, prohibiting me from doing the things I want to. I’m tired of the exhaustion, I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. I’m tired of all of it. I am. This stupid body of mine is making it impossible to be the Mom I want to be, the girlfriend the boy deserves, and the friend people expect. Now that I have an every-day-run-of-the-mill-cold, I’m so wiped out I want to cry.
I’m here on lunch damn near in tears.
Welp folks, guess what. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m sick.
I have been for a few weeks now. Hence the lack of writing lately.
I typically get a touch of seasonal depression anyways so I was trying to wait it out, but it’s not that.
So now the question is, what do I do?
I don’t have insurance, so therapy is out, much more tailored therapy. I don’t know. All I do know is that I feel like crap. My body hurts. I want to go home and go to bed.