Ahhh. Children. Kids. You know… short ones? Small adults. Crotch Fruit. Spawn. Mini-me’s, mini-yous, mini-uh-mailmen? What ever. Kids. The screaming, pooping, yelling, germ factories that make a once in (their) lifetime slip and slide out of their mother’s vaginas. (And boom. Just lost 12 readers) (How’s that for a mental image?)
Some women love kids. They do. They have multiple children or have one or two. They create small armies of annoying children with snotty noses. They create children. Kids Kids KIDS. There’s this woman who uses the same daycare I do, and she has 5 to my 1. FIVE. FIVE FUCKING CHILDREN. Somehow she always looks calm and collected, meanwhile my kid is whining about what we’re having for dinner BEFORE I even tell her what it is. Ha. Children. Silly little creatures. They sure do some cute stuff like hug the dog, read to themselves even though they can’t quite read. Cute little dresses and pajamas. Adorable. Right after they’re finished wiping their snot on their forearms and laughing at their farts.
Children. I has one. My little Noodle. I love her to death. Children in general? Not so much. I’m a very stern parent and have pretty strict rules… number one being Don’t Annoy Mommy. But I digress. I love the little bugger.. but honestly? I’m done. No more. One is enough.
I have my reasoning. Plenty actually.
1. I dislike children.
2. I dislike snot/poop/vomit/poop/spitup/poop/noise/poop/germs.
3. I dislike folding children’s clothing.
4. I dislike stepping on legos at 3 am when I’m trying to get a fucking glass of water… instead I end up hobbling around, yelping, swearing and falling over things.
5. Did I mention I hate whining yet? No? Well I do. Whining makes me want to claw my eyes out. STOP. WHINING. THE MAC AND CHEESE IS CHEESY ENOUGH. *headdesk*
Believe it or not, I do have some serious reasons behind not having more children too. (The above were serious, but people don’t take me seriously)
6. My health. The last time I had a child, my Crohns Disease surfaced. Anyone who knows me knows of the whole Sarah-losing-a-shit-ton-of-weight-because-of-intestinal-induced-starvation/Abscess-making-Sarah-septic-death-thing I had going on. I don’t want to push myself into another flare.
7. The Medication I’m on. I’m on some pretty heavy drugs. Including a TNF-Blocker as well as low-dose chemo. Neither of which are recommended to be used during pregnancy, especially the latter, oh and the latter has been shown to cause infertility in long term use anyway. There really haven’t been any studies with these meds and pregnancy, Remicade has only been around for a short while.
8. 2 years apart. I always wanted two kids, two years apart. Noodle is 4. Do the math. I’m done with diapers/pacifiers/bottles/midnight feedings/potty training. I’m not going back. You can’t make me.
9. Sadly enough, I also wanted the white picket fence shit. I wanted my children to have the same father. I wanted the father to only have kids with me. I wanted a whole-traditional family unit. Soooo. That’s not going to happen… one because my ex-husband’s a cheat-on-me-with-ugly-midget-whores woman beating asshole, aaaand there isn’t too many guys out there that I can hold a convo with that don’t have children AND tolerate mine. *Shrugs*
10. Last but not least…. I don’t want to be an older mom. Growing up my parents were young enough to play with us, softball, basketball, snowball fights, sledding, swimming, and of course the asswhoopings. I’m 25 and my Dad is turning 52 this year. I had friends when I was in ELEMENTARY school whose parents were in their mid to late fifties. Not knocking older parents… but yeah… guess how old they were when they were graduating college?
I’m pretty set in my ways. If I didn’t dislike children so much, and I was completely healthy, married, and I unno rich enough to have 6 nannies for the diaper part… yeah I’d like to have another one. But in the mean time nope. Not happening. Fucking bite me mother nature.
What really irks me though? The fact that other WOMEN can’t accept my choice to only have one. That other WOMEN can’t accept some women’s choice to have none. Seriously. Blows my freakin’ mind. I can’t even count how many times I’ve had women, some friends some STRANGERS, tell me I should have another one. “You’ll grow into the idea.” “Time will change your mind.” “Noodle needs a playmate!” “You don’t want your daughter having only-child-syndrome.”
Women will sit there and ARGUE with me over my reasons. Inform me that I’m obviously making the wrong decision. I once had a woman tell me that I’m SELFISH for not having another child.
Seriously ladies? SERIOUSLY?
I’m selfish for not putting another child on this planet that I cannot financially afford, nor do I have room for. I’m selfish for having another child even though my health sucks and they could potentially get my disease… or worse lose their mother.. have a sick mother. I’m Selfish? Sure. I guess.
I just don’t understand it I guess. I don’t criticize other mothers of their multiple children (unless they keep having them on welfare, with 8 different baby daddies, or whatever). I could easily ask the lady two houses down if the 4th and 5th kid just SLID out? But I don’t. Why?
I don’t give a fuck what comes out of your Uterus or what doesn’t. I don’t care. Now stay out of mine.
…. unless you want to buy it. One Uterus for sale, only used for storage previously. Not wanted now… will remove and drop off if needed. $Naming rights to first born OBO. Only serious inquiries and surgical expertise reply.