Smooth out the stress.


Sometimes stress can get the better of you.  Financial stress, crotch-fruit induced stress, work stress, you name it.  Having an anxiety disorder compounds all of that and causes it to explode.  If I don’t keep my anxiety in check, it has the potential to come raining down on me and cause a long-lasting-anxiety attack.

Usually I deal with my anxiety through music, and seeing as how I have been a bit overwhelmed today the music was cranked up high.  Created a new station on my Pandora One and dubbed it “16 year old Sarah”.  I spent most of the day tuning said station to all of the nasty gnarly punk rock I used to listen to.  Just hearing all of those songs brought a smile to my face as well as many a memory.  So tomorrow is officially Punk Rock Thursday.

Things have been pretty good lately, the boyfriend has been helping work on the house.  He has installed 1 (out of 2) ceiling fans he’s gotten me, brought me 2 different sets of shelving for my converted mini-library.  Oh and a new thermostat and area rug, not to mention the wrought iron candle set.  I’m pretty sure the fun just leaked out of me and I showed my age… but hey! I’m excited that my house is looking better by the day. :)

Other than that it’s just been the same ole shit.  Trying to get ahead at work, cleaning at home, and spending time with my kiddo as well as our little dysfunctional misfit family.

At the same time though I’m dealing with the same ole stressors as well.

My Crohns is active again, and I’m still a couple weeks out for another Remicade Infusion… and my fistula is STILL there more than a year and a half later.  I’m putting off surgery until after April, when I finally accrue vacation/sick time at work.  I hate calling off work as it is, but I think half days for my infusions are acceptable… however, a few days for recovery?  Not so much…. not only that, but if you’re familiar with the budget of a single mom, I can’t afford to lose that much money out of my paycheck.  The boyfriend and my family have promised to help me out if I decide to have the surgery, but still, I hate depending on people.

Other than that there is the (seemingly) never ending debt.  I’m still working on paying of random debt… and I will be for a long time.  Just seeing my list freaks me out, but I know it’ll pay off in the long run.  My goal is to get my credit high enough so that when it comes time to sell this house I can afford to finance a much bigger sum.  That’s a long way off so I have quite a bit of time to work on it, but still.

Don’t forget the every day triggers.  Today I was stressed because of the amount of running around I had to do to help the boyfriend.  I’m not much one to do anything after work, much less spend that much time in the car.  I don’t mind helping out per say, but when all you want to do is relax, driving for a couple hours is not pleasant.  Ohh well.  That’s over for now.

I can’t wait until the weather warms up a little.  I could sure use a run in the forest preserve… not to mention the drive to the lake house and the hours out on the lake.  This time I can bring the boy.  I can’t wait.



2 thoughts on “Smooth out the stress.

  1. Hey there,
    I am so sorry to hear that the remicade isn’t making as much of a difference as you would like. And that stress is running high generally. If there is something I can do, please feel free to ask!
    You may not need to hear this as you are a strong independent woman who has learned to fight to get what she deserves so you probably already know but…
    Depending on people is not a weakness. It is admirable that you want to do everything yourself but when it comes down to it, your health should be the number one thing you do for yourself. If that means surgery, depending on the people that love you is not weakness, it is wise. I refused a lot of the help offered after my surgery and because I didn’t want to be dependent anymore I pushed myself way too hard and may have prolonged up the healing process. And consequently, I might also have to get surgery again.
    I am totally speaking from my experience here, and I realize that our situations are not the same, but I do think we share the independent-to-a-fault trait and, like you, I really don’t like depending on anyone but myself. At least when I am depending on me, I am well informed of possible disappointments before they actually happen… When it comes to recovery things are a bit different. You are so grateful for the help you get and it is good practice in asking for what you need or want. Support makes us strong so, don’t let yourself feel weak or ‘less than’ for needing help. Don’t go down the dark path I did after my surgery failed to yield the drastic results I expected and I became disillusioned with my health and future.
    I am here if you wanna chat. BTW, this is my new blog address should you want to find out what’s been happening.
    You are in my thoughts, Sarah.
    ooxo – S.
    p.s. ready for a new Laurell K. Hamilton?

    • Independent to a fault is definitely a good description. I’ve done some thinking about this since I wrote, I’ve decided if I still need the surgery, I will get it come April when I have vacation and sick days to use… that way I won’t go broke. Other than that I will be accepting help wherever I can find it. Gottah get a step up some where you know. So why the new blog girly?

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