I’m a full fledged member of the “pretend it never happened” group. When I say full fledged, I mean I not only have the decoder ring but I started the god damned group. While I’m the first to acknowledge that my past is what made me who I am today, I am also the first to not think about it. To ignore it even. I don’t like muddling through my history, and I definitely don’t like thinking about the people I’ve hurt and the people who’ve hurt me. It’s a hard thing to do, especially for someone who has always been focused on making her future.
A few months ago I started thinking about what a co-worker said, that you have to face your past before you can move onto your future. I did some dabbling with that idea, drug up some not so pleasant memories only to bury them deeper this time… but with a new found hatred for the people involved in them. I had tried to let go of the past, but for some reason it haunted me all the more. So obviously my sub conscious was trying to tell me something, but short of bricking me in the head, I was going to ignore it.
Some time went by, and unfortunately my past kept popping up. Whether it was because I ran into someone I was trying to forget or because a song reminded me of something I had lived through. No matter how deep you bury them, those memories that make you wince come back to bite you. Eventually when those memories popped up I started spending more time thinking on them… well, maybe analyzing them is a better way to put it. You know what? It’s time I start facing them, it’s time I start facing the people I’ve hurt.
Let’s say something before I begin, no one in any of theses situations is by any means innocent. Everyone had fault in each problem, some more than others. It’s just now I’m realizing that I’m at fault as well. To say that I was innocent in each situation is a far cry, hell, you could compare it to a claim that I’m the virgin mary.
In the past 3 years, I’ve hurt a handful of people and put myself through some questionable situations that even though I wish I could take back, I wouldn’t. I needed to be in those moments, needed to feel that pain and live through it to wake up. After my divorce I was a mess. Divorcing my husband didn’t hurt me but losing the life I had built and becoming a stereotype did. All of a sudden I was alone with raising a child, paying a mortgage and working while she went to daycare. It hurt. I took it out on people I loved over and over again as I tried to find something to make myself happy in my personal life. My daughter had always been my life, but what hurt was the emptiness I had felt after she had gone to sleep for the night. So I searched. I attached my heart to man who did not deserve it and in the end I broke the heart of my best friend because I was blind. I made excuses for my behavior, I buried the reasons I did what I did behind lies. My search for short winded happiness drove two people away, two people I loved. Once I realized I was losing them, I acted even worse. I had become destructive in my own personal life.
I had always made sure that my daughter was number one, I made her life as perfect as possible, but my own happiness? For it? I inadvertently hurt other people. Truth be told, I hurt the people close to me in this vain attempt to be happy, and I never even got there.
Time passed, as it always did, and I turned inward. I realized I had put myself into bad situations and took my time at night, after my daughter was in bed to look to myself. I picked up old hobbies, and talked to old friends. I became what other’s call a homebody and started to let myself heal. Let myself get used to being alone and creating my own happiness. Even in that personal progress, allowing myself to feel happy and letting myself learn to be alone, sober, and nerdy, I buried the hatred of people who I had lost, the ones who had gotten hurt enough to turn their backs on me. I buried that and let myself believe that it was ALL their fault and that they had hurt ME.
Now we’re here, now I’m okay, I’ve been healing and accepting the things I’ve done. Facing the past, and I’ve come to realize what I’ve done. I guess this is the easy way out, writing an apology letter to no one, yet to everyone at the same time. Finally I’ve realized just HOW damaged I was, and I realize how much I lashed out and hurt people who cared about me. No one is innocent, but neither am I. This is my admission that I’m at fault too. I miss the two close friends I lost, and I’m sorry I hurt them.
I also want to thank them for putting up with me, and more importantly shutting me out. If they hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have turned inward, even if it was out of anger at them, to fix myself. I needed that, I’m just hurting for what I did to them. I’m glad for all that has happened, the relationships with people I did have and the ones I still do, I’m glad I’m facing that I was one fucked up little girl and I’m glad that I’ve begun to heal. I just miss what I had destroyed and hope one day they’ll think of me and forgive me, even if we never talk again.
Now as I re-read this post, it sounds sad. While parts of it are, it’s the memory of the pain I caused my friends. I wanted to note, now that I’m facing it, I feel a lot better. You have to face the past, admit to it, before you can face the future. This is my letter to say good bye to the past, I admit my wrong doing, so hopefully I can move past it in the future.