6 Things Adults Lied To Me About When I Was A Child

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1. You can be anything you want to be when you grow up!

No actually you can’t.  Not with in reason anyway.  When I was a kid I had a new life long dream every week, my teachers did their best to encourage me and let me know that if I just worked hard enough I could do whatever it was that week.  No one prepares you for the real world figures.  College is expensive, student loans are gay, and that if you have no artistic talent it’ll be hard to support a family on water color paintings (because art supplies are ALSO expensive).  I never made it to be president/supreme ruler and being a lawyer and a doctor didn’t happen either.  Asshats.

2. Just ignore the bullies and they’ll go away.

False.  Bullies do not go away, even if you spend an entire fucking year pretending that they fell down a well and no fluffy collie dog came to save them so they drowned. Bullies are assholes and they are persistent.  Oh and while we’re on the topic? Telling the teacher didn’t fix anything either.  You know what did? One solitary face punch.  Seriously, it worked.  It was worth the suspension, and you know what?  Fuck it.  What did R’s mom say that I agree with?  If they don’t respect you, make them respect you.  Fighting is bad, but so is bullying.

3. Eat your carrots, they help your eyes! 

My grandmother was really big on this.  “Eat your carrots, so you won’t have to wear glasses!”  Lies.  I love carrots, especially slathered in ranch, and guess what grandma, I have had glasses since 5th grade, just like my mom, YOU, and every other fucking relative.

4. You need to learn math, you’ll use Algebra every single day! 

No. I do not.  I have not used a single freaking thing from algebra or trig or any other mundane math class.  You know what I use?  Excel.  Excel spreadsheets.  I type in the fucking problem, hit “=” and BAM.  Problem solved.  I have yet to look at anything as a Algebra problem. Oh and for the record? I slept through Statistics, and have yet to have that moment where I’m all “Man, I should have paid attention in college, I could really have used that Statistics class.” No.  I’d like to go back and throat punch my old Algebra teacher.

5. Don’t drink that! Coffee will stunt your growth!

Yeah, okay.  So I’m 5’4”.  I have been drinking coffee constantly for 15 years.  I’m not short because I drink coffee, I’m short because my mother was 5’3″, because my Dad isn’t super talk either.  I’m short(er) because I come from a family that didn’t hit their heads on the damn door frame when they walked through.  I WILL find that 6’6″ guy who drank coffee at 5 years old just to show everyone. Coffee is good, so bite me.

6. A steady bed time is good for kids, GO TO BED! 

Oh mom and dad, oh I get it now.  While yes, a steady bed time is good for kids (for many reasons) this one was oh so selfish of you.  When I went to bed at night, you guys didn’t just sit there wishing I could be up and talking to you (still), you two were basically celebrating the fact that you had 8-10 hours to sleep, eat, drink like a fish, and listen to the silence or anything else that didn’t consist of Fraggle Rock or “Mom, Mom, MOM LOOK AT THIS!”  I get it now, I get it.  I totally do, *my* mini me has been singing along to the Kids Bop version of a Lady Gaga song for about 10 minutes now.  I UNDERSTAND.

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