I think one of the biggest things I hate about living with Crohns is the future. When you have a chronic illness, sometimes it can flare up, for no fucking reason and kick your ass (figuratively and literally). I hate not-knowing. Especially lately. When I was in a full-flare, not-knowing wasn’t bad. The only thing I couldn’t predict was feeling better. So when I had a random day, out of the norm, it was fabulous. Now though, I’m practically in remission. The normal symptoms of my disease are practically non-existent, except for the fistula.
Yes, I still have it. It connects a loop of my intestine to my bladder and it makes for a bad day. I was planning on surgery but a multitude of things made the decision for me to put it off. (And unfortunately followers, this decision is not up for debate.) So basically as the decision goes, I am trying to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible until I have to have surgery. It’s a horrible plan, but at that point in time it was either choose to have the surgery and fuck everything else up, or put it off so life is more stable for a major surgery.
Anyway, on with my rambling. So for the past few days, after months of being symptom free, I haven’t been feeling too well. Fistula symptoms, upset stomach, diarrhea and nausea. I’ve been taking it easy, sticking to teas and easy to digest foods instead of my coffee and grease. Doesn’t seem to be too much change, but I’m still wary. Having had two obstructions in the past, anytime symptoms mimic the early signs of obstruction I get worried. So I’m taking it easy and hoping for the best yet still preparing for the dash to the hospital just in case.
Sometimes Crohns Disease seems to suck the life right out of me and not in the way you’d think. On my bad days, I still strive to do everything I normally would do as well as things I want to do. It’s the mental aspect that is different. It turns my normally hectic mind into something more anxious and scary, almost more chaotic and full of worry. I don’t want to end up sick, I hate being in the hospital, but at the same time, I long for all of this to be over with.
Normalcy. It’s something I strive to have, but Crohns Disease messes it up.