It’s Saturday Night y’all! The boyfriend is hanging out with his brother, and my kid is asleep. Logically the next step is brew some coffee and write some bullshit. So yeah. Here I am. On the internet. Three minutes ago I had a realization, something that hit me so hard, so fast, that I immediately felt that need to get the words out of my head. I can’t find my favorite pen, so blog it is.
I am a New Sarah.
Over the past 15 years, I have reinvented myself several times. No one Sarah was completely the same. Some Sarah’s were no good, some Sarah’s were too work-involved, some Sarah’s were at the bottom of the bottle, and some Sarah’s were domesticated housewifes. So here we go again, I finally realized that I am a completely new Sarah again.
This new Me has been evolving for roughly 3 years. The Divorce from “He who shall not be named” threw me to rock-bottom. I wasn’t the best person, I wasn’t the best mom, and I wasn’t a good friend. Honestly, I didn’t even like me. Not even a little bit. Actually, if Present-Day-Me met Me-From-3-Years ago, I’d slap her. Or me. Whatever, you get the gist.
I had to have a couple of major blows to my life to straighten out. Those blows sucked, but I finally got it figured out and apparently just ran with it. Usually my reinventions are somewhat similar. Some sort of aspect stays with the next Me, thankfully, this time, the only thing that has stuck is my fuck-you-I-can-do-this attitude. I think I’m just so amazed because of it. Looking back on 3 years ago, I am borderline ashamed. I have moments of deep shame, but then I remind myself that everything I did, caused, or went through, kicked my ass enough to learn from it. Nonetheless, I am glad to say goodbye to the Old Sarah. I am glad to kiss that life goodbye and stop glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s not following me.
Today was a perfect day. The Boyfriend had to work, so we had a Noodle and Mama Day. We relaxed together a bit this morning, and after a quick breakfast hopped in the car and headed out. We ran a couple of errands and then had lunch together. After lunch, we went straight to the local farmer’s market and bought mushrooms (Noodle), Onions (as a complement to Noodle’s mushrooms), and peanut butter cookies (Me, duh). Then we went shopping, we roamed around a couple of stores, causing a bit of trouble and looking for deals. At Target I learned that my kid can con cookies off of ANY bakery in ANY store ANNNNND go back for SECONDS.
We came back to the house and set up some venison chops to marinate, and went right back outside. It was a gorgeous day, and I don’t think either one of us could stay inside another day. I had bought her a big jug of bubbles, so I sipped my iced coffee and she blew and chased down and stomped hundreds of bubbles. A good grilled dinner and some relaxing, and she’s tucked into bed asleep. I managed to clean the house before I ended up on my computer.
What made me realize the change in myself is that as I brewed my cup of coffee I realized I was/am completely happy and content. That moment, as my coffee brewed, I thought back and realized how different not only I was, but how different I felt compared to a few years ago. I finally learned how to live for me (and my daughter) instead of to someone else’s standards, or how I thought I was *supposed* to be. I finally learned to love ME and my life, all the little quirks and troubles. I learned to be happy with myself and enjoy the little things, and do it sober.
Things are not perfect and this life has had some pretty shitty moments, but now I realize that it will never be perfect, but I can make it as damn close as I can, and enjoy the ride there.
It feels good to stop looking into the past.