It’s Saturday morning. I’ve dragged my laptop outside onto the deck to do some writing. As for months, I still can’t conquer my writers block in my private writings. Oh well, nothing new there I guess. It’s a beautiful morning though, supposed to be pretty hot outside today so I’m going to enjoy it while I can. Please pour me another cup of coffee.
I had a bad day yesterday, it was filled with stress and frustration at work. It took me getting angry enough that I didn’t even want to have another cigarette to re-evaluate my thought process. That itch I was speaking of in my last entry, I figured it out. I was taking things way too seriously and letting that “over-care” flow out of my workday and out of the rest of my life. As a friend pointed out yesterday, I’ve never been one to do things half-assed. When I take on a job/project/interest, I put 100% into it. It’s both a positive and a negative, the negative being is that I will spread myself too thin.
So, at work, I love my job, I care about it immensely. When things go well there, I was able to give it my all for my 8-5 shift and leave the rest at the door. When things get wonky there, and someone isn’t carrying their own weight or making too many mistakes that it overflows onto my position, I still attempt to give it my all and fix everything. The problem with that, is that I am not enough to cover both myself and someone else, so all of my energy and emotion is going towards that 8-5 and it zaps what I have left for the rest of my life. The stress from going so hard at work and caring so much seeps into the rest and it diminishes other parts of my day that I find joy in.
I do love my literal job, and as a former single mom (former because I do live with my boyfriend), I also clung to my paychecks. During my fit of anger, I realized all of what I wrote above, the cons of what my job and my “it’s go time” attributes have done to the rest of my life. Which caused me to divorce myself from the moment and actually think.
What are the positives? Well of course, I love my physical job, I do. However, with the current situation at work, it’s not nearly as enjoyable as it should be. I love problem solving and learning new ways to fix things, but when there are so many things to fix, it’s not fun anymore. So loving my job doesn’t count for as much as it used to.
Positives included a paycheck. By discussing with a third party and sitting down with a pen and paper, I figured out what it costs for me to go to work and after said costs, what my profit is. I figured out the profits to a T and wrote down what I use those profits for. Once it was on paper in front of me, I realized that it costs half of my income just in transportation and before/after school care. The profits are still enough to make me want to go to work, but only if the conditions are correct. ie: Not what they are now.
So with what I SPEND to go to work is half of my income, and if what I earn as profit goes to non-essential things… is the job worth it? With the current stress, no. Without the current stress, yes. To put things into further perspective, the profits I make after cost, could be made working for minimum wage, part time, during school hours and locally. During school hours and locally REMOVE the cost to go to work. So logically, since my income after cost goes to non-essential items/bills, My finances would stay the same if I worked a local job part time during school hours.
All of that jumble summed up? I don’t want to lose my paycheck, but when it comes down to it, it is not 100% needed. My paycheck could be easily made up by switching jobs to something minimum wage that will increase the time I spend within my home and with my family. More importantly, my paycheck *is* inessential and staying at home is a reasonable option. SO… my current job truly depends on how much I enjoy it, and how much I am willing to take.
Once I realized that, once I *saw* it on paper, it really shocked things back into reality. All of this stress at work, putting my ENTIRE self into improving everything… isn’t what I thought it was. The reality of the situation is, is that if I get mad enough to *want* to walk off, never to come back, I *CAN* do it. I do NOT have to take all of the shit going on right now, I can walk away with the only negative effect being, that I lose spending money for the month. The reality of the situation is… is that I don’t have to deal with it, if I don’t want to.
Now that’s not saying that the next issue that arises at work will make me pack up my office and take a hike. That’s not in my nature to abandon something that I once enjoyed doing. It’s not in my nature to walk away if there is a problem. However, having all of that put into perspective, it’s freeing. I can go in, and realize that it’s not permanent. I don’t have to deal with it, I have the freedom to walk away if I want to. Out of character as it might be, I can go in, and do just *my* job, I don’t *HAVE* to worry about the mistakes others make, nor do I have to fix them. I just have to do what is in my job description. I have to do my job, not save someone elses. If my customers are happy because of my actions… great. If the installers are happy because of my actions great. I can excell to the best of my ability at my job and that’s all I need to do. If someone else makes mistakes which then hampers my job, which it does in about 50% of the time, I can demand they be fixed so I can correctly accomplish my duties, Realizing that my job isn’t particularly needed, just wanted, made me realize I am NOT on a manager’s salary. I do not need to be doing a manager’s job. I don’t have to put my all on the table if it is not recognized, and it most certainly is not. I don’t have to put my all on the table if I’m not paid for it, and if the person who is, does not.
All of this just made me realize. I have a job. I have a job I used to absolutely adore, I have job that gives us spending money. I’m lucky to have a job, but I don’t have to care as much as I do. I’m not there to save the shop, I’m not there to save every customer. I’m not there to go above and beyond what position entails, especially when someone else is getting paid for it. I have a job that shouldn’t impact my family and the rest of my life. The best part of all of this? I have freedom, I can walk away, I am there because I *want* to be there. It puts everything else into perspective.
I am actually looking forward to work on Monday. It’s a brand new way of looking at it, and I now realize that I don’t have to let my job rule my life, that I don’t have to let it stress me out. It’s not my responsibility to make someone else do their job, it’s just my responsibility to do mine. I care immensely about my shop, but it’s not my job to fix it.