One mistake I think that all of us make at some point in our existences is we forget about ourselves. It’s all too easy, it really is. I mean, we’re brought up to be careful of others, make sure we are good to our neighbors/coworkers/family/significant others/pretty much everyone on the planet. So we have to focus on that and slowly but surely our own wants and needs fall to the background. The ways a human is stretched is pretty ridiculous. Excelling at your job is important, but so is leading your team! Don’t forget your kids, they need to do go do something fun this weekend! Oh and your boyfriend wants to go out with friends. The house is cleaned, but we’re supposed to organize and oh geez, it’d be good for everyone to take a long walk! Your parents could use a hand, and oh god, you forgot … insert A, B and C.
After getting out of the hospital this last time I’ve been feeling really… frazzled? I felt like I was too busy but somehow I was always forgetting something or someone. My daughter has a ton of requests regarding what she wants to do on the weekends, I now gave up on 2 separate sets of days off at work so my coworkers could take their days and I wouldn’t abandon anyone else in the office. Dinner felt like a rush, it had to be healthy and before a certain time so my family could get enough sleep. I really wanted a manicure, but you know, there was always something else to do. I had wanted to do something romantic with the boyfriend, but we cancelled dinner twice because I needed to work late.
It seemed like I was being pulled in every-which-direction, and the frustration I felt, it was just ridiculous. I think when I realized something was wrong, was when I sat down and thought about my vacation requests. I had gone through outlook and plotted out vacation days, I almost always forget to use my time, and I had promised myself I’d take it this year. I requested my daughters birthday off, and pulled that request when my co-worker wanted to go out of town for a week or so. So I requested a long weekend next weekend… apparently my other coworker had requested that time off, and everyone forgot to tell me. I had to sit down and explain to my kid that, no… I’m actually NOT taking time off. “I know it’s Spring Break, but at least daycare is fun… yeah I know kid, I promised.”
I went home that day and honestly thought about everything. I thought about how I felt, I thought about all the things I have planned/wanted to do, but didn’t so someone else could benefit. I thought about spending my extra cash on something “responsible” instead of buying a silly nail polish. I thought about the evenings I wasted working late when I should have finished what I had on my plate and ignored the rest. I thought about the fights I had with my boyfriend because I was too stressed out to even be rational. I thought about fighting with him because he felt my job was more important than everything else. I thought about how I really wanted to go do something… just anything… and all the reasons I gave myself when I declined.
It’s an awful feeling to realize you don’t take care of your own happiness, your own wants and needs. So I decided to say FUCK IT. :) when I got home on Friday night, I was going to try and finish up some work after dinner. I was going to head back to the office and then go see my sister afterwards. I was going to go out and yeah. So I showed up to work, and no one was there. There was supposed to be an entire shift of people there, but everyone was gone. I immediately thought, well, I guess I can’t go visit my sister tonight, I’ll have to work in the morning. It took me all of 5 minutes to realize that this was exactly what I had been thinking about. Nope, Nope, Nope. I went downtown anyway. It was a lot of fun, hung out and chatted over drinks with my sister, and just generally had fun. Came back in the morning, stopped and did what I absolutely had to do and went home. I ate junk food on the way, and then spent the day in bed watching my nerdy-science shows. Only to get up to go grocery shopping and get a chai that I was wanting. Today? I’m doing my nails and relaxing, maybe watching some of my shows that I have backlogged on my DVR. Trying to figure out where to go for my birthday. I asked both sides of the family to go out to dinner with me, and then to go out after. I *want* to celebrate my birthday this year, and damn it to hell, I want to have fun.
I have got to take care of myself too, I have to stop neglecting my wants, and my families wants as well. Work/Friends/Coworkers/House/Etc is all important, but there is no reason all of that should come first all of the time. So my goal for this year, is to make more of my time. To enjoy myself and my family instead of putting all that I look forward to on the backburner. Wish me luck.