It’s been a long couple of weeks, it really has been. It seems like it’s all come crashing down on my shoulders today, I’m not sure why today, but here I am. I am in a deep funk. I’ve been telling myself for the past few days that I just need to make it to Friday. Friday, the beginning of the weekend… I was sure that when I walked out of work tonight, I’d feel much better (at least mood wise anyway). Well, that was a lie. Maybe it has to do with all the stress from work over the past couple of (hell) weeks, maybe it was the crushing realization that I’m going to have to work tomorrow morning anyway. Either way, getting in my car after work and heading to pick up the short one from camp, I had the sudden urge just to bawl.
I’m not talking about a couple of cute, mascara streaked tears running down my face. I felt like I wanted to scream and rail against the world, like if I went all crazy girl in my car, I’d feel all better and the world would keep turning. Well, unfortunately for my head, I didn’t. I drove to pick up the short one, no tears in sight, and diligently turned in the check for her childcare. I packed her up in the car and stopped for a quick treat at the 7-eleven (Friday tradition anyone?) and headed home. I sat out in the backyard writing, watching my child run around with her “peg leg” (a walking stick the boyfriend made her, which magically morphs into whatever play thing she wants at the moment. Thank god for imagination!), smacking random things that she deemed a monster. I sat there and smiled. The boyfriend came home, we talked about our days while I drank my iced coffee. You know what? I still want to bawl.
I know a big portion of it is just the prednisone prescription. I have mild depression and anxiety normally, but for some reason the prednisone really brings it out. It’s pretty common from what I understand if you’re on it long term, and I dealt with it before so I knew it was coming. A big portion of this funk is because I feel like crap. My Crohns is far from controlled right now, and the physical side effects from prednisone are popping up. Along with the stomach cramping and my “normal” fatigue, I have joint pain, what I call “skin pain” and I feel like I haven’t slept. I’m not even going to talk about the “moon face” I’m rocking now. It was confirmed by a coworker yesterday. As anyone with a chronic illness knows, (especially someone in a flare or with consistently active disease) after a while, the pain and discomfort just wear you down.
For whatever reason, work has just been hell lately. I mean, it’s enough to wear my healthy counter parts down, and dealing with it on top of pain and fatigue is just ruining whatever small happy moods I do have with a quickness. Usually I can deal with work stress pretty well, but with already being at the mental-crying-like-a-grounded-teenager point due to pain… it takes very little to set me over the edge. Thankfully my co-workers are understanding (to a point), but shit man, I’d rather not have to run outside to get my emotions under control. Crying at work is not fun for anyone, and when I cry, I make it all awkward for all who witness it.
There’s a lot going on in my personal life. Some financial stuff, ranging from the new hospital bills, to the increased summer tuition for childcare (no child support here remember), to trying to stay afloat with no extra income coming in to make up for the gap. Along with finances comes the regular stuff. I have to turn in supplies for summer camp and register the kid for 2nd grade (I already missed the deadline… thank god pretty much everyone does.) and the boyfriends kids money stuffs too. It’s just a lot, and while doable, is very overwhelming when I’m already not at the top of my game. Then of course just every day stuff, you know, keeping up with chores (thank god for the helpful boyfriend) and the garden and getting repairs on my car completed. I about cried when I realized I have to do laundry this weekend. That’s how stressed out I am.
I know a lot of it is prednisone related because I *know* that most of this stuff doesn’t bother me on a normal day. Which having that thought just irritates me even more! I am so incredibly overwhelmed I want to just make some coffee and pour my head out to someone, but I’m feeling quite alone at the moment. The boyfriend has to listen to me rant and rave everyday, so I don’t want to unload on him anymore than I already do. My parents have a lot to deal with the other children, so I don’t want to unload on them either. They are super stressed out, why add to it and then add guilt to my list of woe-is-me’s. I don’t have a whole lot of friends who do the coffee date anymore, and the ones who do (which I love dearly) are too far to do in-person-coffee dates. (Luckily I have one via phone tomorrow). Regardless, between putting on the happy-fun-lets-do-a-bunch-of-fun-stuff mom face and the lack of people to talk to… it’s hard to get my brain out of this funk.
I don’t know. I have to work tomorrow, then the kid and I are out to roam around for some one on one time. I’m hoping that that and the good weather will cheer me up. In the mean time? Whiskey and cokes on my porch after the kiddo falls asleep. I’ll count not having to watch frozen again as a victory and count my blessings.
Happy night all. Hope your moods are better than mine.