When I go to the hospital lately, one of the first things I catch myself saying to the nurse or doctor is: I might just be being a wuss. Then I go on to explain the reasons I’m there and watch the nurses eyes widen.
I did it last night, talking to my step ma. Didn’t even think about it, was just telling her that I’m sick again. You know, just in case I get hospitalized. That way they’re already aware when they get that phone call.
When I log into my support groups online, I’m almost immediately amazed with what my fellow Crohnies live with. Amazed with what they endure each day. I think “Wow, I wish that I was as strong as they are”, or “I don’t think I could handle that!”
What I fail to realize is that no one thinks they can handle some aspects of this disease. We all cry, we all hope or pray that we will get better soon. We all wonder at some point if we’re just being wussy. None of us are given a choice on whether or not we can handle it, we are forced to. We live every day with strength we didn’t even know we had, even if we want to give up, we make our way through the pain, the debilitating symptoms. We don’t have a choice but to fight. We. All of us. Even me. Fight.
As I hobbled to the bathroom this morning, for the fourth time, I started getting upset. My insides were trying to come out both ways but the pain forced me to walk slow. I started getting upset knowing that I could take some pain medicine, but then I’d be nauseous 24 hours instead of in waves. That and still trying to run to the bathroom. After I was done, I stood in front of the mirror and kind of beat myself up. “I did this for a year before, now I can’t even handle a week?” “You’ve been through way worse than this, why can’t you handle this now?”
I had to remind myself that Crohns Disease sucks. It sucks regardless of your symptoms, how long you’ve had them, or regardless of who you are. I didn’t choose to be sick for a year, there wasn’t choice involved in that period of hell. I just got through it, because what other choice do we have? I’m not less of a person because right now sucks, not because of anything.
Those of us with Chronic Illnesses seem to beat up on ourselves because we feel we should be able too handle our diseases better. When sometimes we just need a reminder that we’re strong no matter what.