Feel.

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One of the things I’ve been working on this year, is accepting and enjoying life around me instead of just beating my own ass to do better. I don’t think I’ll ever stop pushing so hard, but that’s not a bad thing in my eyes, I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and how much I achieve each and every year. What I was doing though, was essentially killing myself trying to make life “better” for my child, and of course the men who shall not be named. I lost touch with the simple things in life and only focused on the future.

Could I finish this project before the next one had to be started? Would I be able to move out of my town in 5 years? Would I be able to keep repairing my car, or should I be saving for a newer model? Could I be happy.. in the future? Thankfully, I realized that I had no concept of the present during the whole -get the crash cart, her heart cant go much longer- bullshit at the tail end of last winter. Facing mortality, yet again, kind of makes you re-evaluate everything.

Through spring this year, I started focusing on the physical and emotional “now”. [Insert Zen Bullshit Here] When was the last time I really watched a sunset? When was the last time I laid in bed and just listened to the rain? When was the last time I watched my daughter play in the sand, without worrying about tomorrow?

I couldn’t remember. The ache that had developed in my chest wasn’t just my literal broken heart (subnote: I guess I could blame that on he who shall not be named hahaha) it was the lack of feeling.. the lack of seeing.. the lack of being right in the moment. So I started trying to appreciate the little things, and enjoy simplicity, especially with nature, in all aspects.

Truthfully, it took a couple of months to be able to be in the moment without forcing myself to pay attention. Worries for the future would take up most of my thoughts until I made myself feel the breeze, or until I directed my focus to the sound of the wind through the new leaves on the trees.

The last month and change, I finally noticed I was doing it without thinking about it. I could watch the sun glint off of my daughters blonde hair and think only of that. I could play catch with my dog, and just enjoy it. I could again write about things (mostly in my physical journals) that I was living.. instead of just worrying about what I would have to live through.

There have been many realizations along the way. I had to learn to become comfortable with myself, I had to start accepting things I wasn’t happy with, with my own body. (Still a work in progress, my surgical scars still bother me). How can you enjoy the cool night air on your skin, if you can’t bare all of it? To be comfortable with my own thoughts, had to be comfortable with my own skin. Then I had to acknowledge what I was capable of, what I had actually achieved. It was like a first step for me, then it was time to face the rest of my demons.

I’m getting there. I can set aside the future, and enjoy the current moment. I can just listen to the sounds of my boots crunching over the leaves on the ground. I can just listen to the fire crackle in my backyard. I can watch my daughter dance around, I can just take part in her joy when we dance in the kitchen. I can just taste the woody notes in my favorite tea, or the tang of my beer with the sun overhead. I can just feel running my fingertips across someone’s lips, just feel their touch.

Life is unbelievable short. It’s over before we know it. I think what I’m getting at, is how important it is to enjoy the little things in life.. to actually live.. instead of just living. Of course I worry about tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll ever stop, but now, I can live in today too. So no day is ever “wasted”.

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