A bit jaded, but not broken.

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If you had asked me a year ago if I’d be in a relationship now, I’d have broken the nearest chair to stab you with a shard of the leg. If you had told me I’d be falling asleep smiling and waking up to a good morning text every day, I’d have laughed at you. My, oh my, how your life can change in a short year.

More than a year ago, that wreck of a relationship Ryan and I had ended. It ended brutally too. I had caught on that he had been cheating on me for about a year (I’m guessing), and when I confronted him about it, he left. Not only did he shred my trust, but he hurt my daughter, as he was a father figure to her. To top it off? He took pretty much everything out of the house, from furniture all the way down to the ranch dressing and peanut butter.

At the time, I was heartbroken, especially having to face replacing normal household things right around Christmas. It was hard, and I was very cynical, but my friends, family, and coworkers (my 2nd family) rallied around my daughter and I and made sure everything was replaced and we had a wonderful Christmas.

Still. I was pretty intent on staying single. I had a couple pseudo-relationships over the spring/summer. One of which, almost 5 months later requested that I give back a gift he had given me to track my heart-rate (because of Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia) in order to get back some books I had lent him back. The other one, stole my medicine and was a closet drunk! Trust me, it was fun (sarcasm, if you couldn’t tell). Regardless, no feelings were hurt on my end, beyond a touch of anger. So coming into the end of summer and fall, I was content to just be me.

I continued to enjoy my solo evenings with a cup of tea, and the random beers with friends. Hanging out with my kid, and keeping up with chores. Wasn’t looking for anything. However, as the saying goes.. when you stop looking, is when someone steps into your life.

Enter stage right; Jon. We’ve been dating a few months (? – I’ve never been good at keeping track of this kind of stuff) and for the first time in my life, someone is showing me exactly what my daughter and I deserve. From the way he includes my daughter in everyday things, to the way he helps around the house for no other reason than he is there and I deserve the help. I’ve been blessed with a man, who (not only isn’t on the sex offender registry haha) works, takes time to see me, and does simple things to show me he cares, like stopping by my work because I said I needed a hug.

It is unbelievable to have someone who doesn’t treat my “sick-days” like an inconvenience, or throws my fatigue in my face. Someone who puts as much effort into every day things as I do. While he does buy me little things he thinks I’ll like, he doesn’t try to buy my affection with extravagant gifts. He’s a grown ass man, who understands, that if he gives me a gift, it’s out of kindness, and he doesn’t expect anything in return. (Word to the wise guys.. just because you buy a girl something, doesn’t mean she has to like you or have sex with you. Just sayin’.) From my mopey-depressed-I-hate-everything days to the I’m-on-top-of-the-world-don’t-need-anyone days, he’s there, and he’s got my back.

Now I’m just working on fighting through some of my baggage with relationships. Surprisingly, I haven’t had many thoughts or worries of him cheating on me. When I found out Ryan cheated, I immediately imagined throwing literal baggage into my brain. Cute little suitcases with skulls and flowers on them. So meh, I’m not arguing that, just chalking it up to being too lazy to worry about it. However, I do apologize for damn near everything. The last couple of years with Ryan, he spent complaining about me. From how I cleaned, to being sick, to having a down day or even how much or little I worked. So now, if I have a mopey day, “I’m sorry” slips out before I even have a chance to catch it. It’s still just a habit. Jon lets me know that I have nothing to be sorry for, but still.. it’s there. I even catch myself saying sorry, or flinching about stupid shit that used to start a fight, but I know it’s silly. I’ll get over it at some point. Finances? Even though we’ve only been together for a few months, I still feel compelled to explain where I got the money for a gas station coffee. Through the thin times (when just I was working or when Ryan started working and bitching about paying his share) Ryan and I would fight because I’d scrap together change for something for me. I manage to catch myself now, because god dammit I deserve a coffee once in a while, but I still get mad that that’s a habit I have.

I just keep thinking, so this is what a normal relationship is like? No anger, no yelling, no belittling, no gas-lighting. No probation officers, he can take my daughter to school if I’m sick, or come to the park with us. Child-related crap doesn’t just fall on me. Hell, far far far down the line, if we ever bought another house, or if he was interested in buying property with me up north, we can buy anywhere.. not just 500 ft away from schools. For Christ’s sake, there’s been no bomb falling like “oh by the way, your house is going to be on the registry now”. There’s no staying out all night coming home with hickeys and such. There’s no drinking behind my back, no missing meds, no expectations of more with a gift.

So here’s to something good, something that will hopefully last. Am I bragging? Maybe. However, after the shit I’ve been through in the past 15 years? I’m going to enjoy this wonderful person who fell in my life. Why the fuck not? It’s about damn time.

 

xx

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One thought on “A bit jaded, but not broken.

  1. Mooms

    Oh honey. You deserve that And so much more. I’m glad you have found a good one. Or he found you. He must feel doubly blessed to have found beautiful you and the ever adorable Noodle.

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