… or at least that’s my goal anyway. I really don’t do resolutions, nor do I take them seriously to be honest. Why make a resolution like “I’m going to eat healthy”, when we all know I’m going home to eat my weight in pasta more nights than not? Mostly though, I like the fresh start that a new calendar year brings. It’s like a brand new book that I get to write, and the possibilities are endless.
Someone I was speaking to the other day didn’t understand this way of thinking. The way they came off was condescending, like myself and people who think in a similar fashion are unintelligent for looking forward to the new year. New Year’s Day is just another day to them, and if any of the rest of us had a bad year (ie: 2016 sucks! posts) it’s either dumb to think that way or we bring it upon ourselves.
I don’t know, I guess I kind of get that idea. I mean, in reality January 1st is just another day. For me, I guess it just symbolizes a new start. Every day is a new start, a fresh page, especially more so it seems since I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic illness. The way my head has figured it out, is that I have a lot of shitty days. Literally and figuratively. I have many, many days where I just don’t feel up to even getting out of bed. However, on those days, I’ll lay there, get all grumpy, and have to remind myself.. “tomorrow is a brand new day, I might feel better tomorrow.” So that thought process naturally flows over onto Mondays, and each month that passes as well as years.
This past year was a little rough. Especially in the beginning. Back in the beginning of the year, I was still struggling with being single for the first time in almost 5 years. Then on top of that, I had developed Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia (IST) out of nowhere. So the first half of the year was basically spent trying to cope with yet another life changing diagnosis. Then of course I had a bad string of dating, and finances from being sick caught up to me. Yeah, rough. Not as bad as the year before though, and honestly, as the year went on it did get immensely better.
So for 2017, I’m kissing the previous year goodbye. Each year will get better, and I don’t think it’s a negative thing to dislike a year because of what happened in it. However, the last year, if I could change anything about it, I would change my perspective. I spent so much time being negative about everything that happened to me, I lost a lot of time I could’ve done something with my energy. I focused so hard on the things that were going south, or the changes my life made without my consent, that I missed celebrating all of the goodness I do have in my life.
So this year, I am going to be focusing on the positive. Positivity creates positivity or whatever that fuck that saying is. I’ve started a 2nd journal (a beautiful handmade leather one Jon got me for Christmas) and am using it as a gratitude journal. Each day, regardless of the tough things that happen, or the day to day frustrations, I am going to write a handful of things that I am grateful about (and within) my life. No matter what we do as human beings, we are all bound to have a rough day here and there. I’m just hoping that on those rough days, I can open my journal and appreciate the things that are hidden beneath all the crap.
Today I wrote my gratitude entry on my lunch break. Since yesterday morning, my headache has returned despite my medicines (head infection – vertigo) I got on Friday. I was a bit worn out and by lunch time was starting to look down on my day as my stomach started hurting as well. So I wrote.
I just made a simple list:
- an attentive boyfriend who checks in on me throughout the day.
- a daughter who albeit is grumpy about going to school tomorrow had a blast during holiday break.
- coworkers that I don’t want to murder most days.
- my new favorite sweater that I’m pretty sure I stole from my sister inadvertently.
- knowing I’m going home to a cozy house, a hot cup of tea, my chatter bug kid and my coloring books.
Nothing specific. Broad range. Yet, after writing it down, reviewing each in my head, and then writing a bit in my other journal, I honestly felt a bit better about the day. Am I tired? Oh yes, painsomnia struck last night, so I’m yawning my way through the day. Do I hurt? Of course. Yet, my phone goes off with Jon checking in to see how I am. I know I get to hear all about the short kid’s last day of break when I pick her up. For now? I’m warm and snuggly in my sweater (sorry Chelsea!) with a cup of tea.. and I know tonight is going to be full of snuggles, hot tea, some scifi, and some coloring while I’m wrapped in my blankets.
That simple journal entry reminded me that I am damn lucky to have what I do have. I should be grateful that I have so many good people, and comforts in my life. It could always be worse, so I have to appreciate what I’ve got.
This outlook/journalling is working so far. Let’s see if I can keep it up throughout this new year. It is a new book after all, and despite what we can’t control, we can control how we feel through it all.
Happy New Years Everyone.
Much Love. Xx