Anxiety & Late Night Thoughts

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I managed to get a bit of my outdoors to-do list done today, or rather yesterday as it’s now 1:10am. The sun was out after a few days of a good soaking rain, so I went and dug up and turned over the soil in my five raised garden beds. I had already planted two rows of lettuce and my chives (as they always seem to be a bit heartier than the rest of my regular crops) but finished almost all of the rest of it with a little bit of effort.

In the first bed I have the two rows of lettuce, chives in a corner, and two different pepper plants. This year we’re growing bell and shashito peppers.  In the plot next to it I have two rows of cucumbers, no trellises yet as I’m going to wait for them to sprout and see what needs to go where. In the next plot I have my two tomato plants. Usually I have four tomato plants, but the last year I had a lot of food waste and decided to downsize. I chose Celebrity and a neat heirloom. The fourth plot I have two rows of green beans, didn’t place trellises there either, just waiting to see what comes up. I also have a cute little hanging pot full of strawberries. I used to have them in a little section next to my raised beds, but they were awful to get to once the crops came in, and now my lilies started taking over the area too so I opted for the hanging pot.

I still have one more plot to use, but I haven’t decided what to put in it. Usually the last plot is for carrots and radishes, but I’m the only one who likes them so I am forgoing them this year. Eggplant and Zucchini were voted out too, again because of food waste last year and the plants were hard for me to manage. We then have one long garden plot, which we’ve been growing pumpkins in, but I didn’t have the energy to dig up a 10ft by 4ft plot today. Hopefully I can get that done this weekend.

Unfortunately I was not able to mow the lawn today. Last fall I wasn’t smart enough to add oil to the lawn mower, and it looks like it seized up over the winter. I messed with it a little bit but wasn’t able to fix it, so it looks like it’s going out on the curb and I’ll be buying a new one. It just sucks, it’s one more thing on the to-do list that directly effects my pocket book.

I did have a bit of a fall today though. I was walking down the steps for the deck to go get the gas can which needed to be filled up and tripped on one of my pavers I’ve been putting off fixing. A tree root has pushed it up a bit, so my shoe caught the corner of it and my ankle just rolled. It was enough pain to take my breath away, but the pain eased a bit for me to be able to run out for gas and a drive. However I am regretting that choice now, despite some decent painkillers, it’s hard to get comfortable without it hurting.

It was nice, I was able to fill up the gas can and drive my car around a little bit. I just got it back from the shop for the second time. The check engine light has been coming on, and after $900 in repairs, it looks like it will need fuel injectors, which is $600 in parts alone. I’m going to drive it for the weekend, and then take it to emissions testing on Monday. I’m hoping I’ll be able to apply for a waiver as I can’t afford the additional repairs and the repairs total out to more than what my car is worth. So the driving today helped, I’m going to take it out a bit tomorrow, and then on Monday I’ll go get tested.

Admittedly, it’s weighing on my mind quite a bit. The car runs really well surprisingly, but if the state won’t give me a waiver for the light, I won’t be able to drive it. It’s daunting to think about, even more so that something always seems to break before I can save up any money in my emergency fund. I know we’ll figure it out, one way or another. More importantly, I know that worrying about it doesn’t help anything, yet, here we are.

So I guess, I’m going to try and get some sleep again. Good night out there.

Organization & Cleaning: Anxiety and Depression Edition

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Just want to start this one off with the fact that my pupper just got a bath, and she’s currently sitting in front of me trying to lick the “clean” off of her. Ha. 

When it comes to my depression, I’m pretty stereotypical I think. If I’m really down in the dumps, the LAST thing I want to do is clean up my house. I can barely manage to get my “bare minimum chores” done, much less any of the larger projects I have on my list. Everything just seems so daunting to undertake, even the smallest projects seem like mountains of crap to me.

So when depression strikes, I’ll spend my day avoiding any kind of major cleaning and organizing only to berate myself for “not doing enough” when I’m laying in bed unable to sleep at night. The silly part is, is that I KNOW that this is a typical symptom of depression, and I know depression is an illness just like any other. Yet, I still beat myself up at night for it.

Now my anxiety? That’s a whole different mutt. One of my biggest triggers for my anxiety & panic disorder is clutter. I can wake up in a wonderfully relaxed and happy mood, and if my kitchen counters are cluttered and there’s a mountain of dishes in the sink (I’m literally staring at my boyfriend as I type this) then my heart starts to race and I start to feel the all too familiar fingers of anxiety combing through my brain.

My anxiety is a bit strange, some therapists have suggested that it might be tied into OCD like some of my family members. However, beyond the original diagnosis of Anxiety and a Panic Disorder, I’ve never bothered to get more. It has to do with control for me, I can even pull up memories of dealing with it more than a decade ago when I first started driving. (I got my license late.. as I could walk to work.) I remember getting extraordinarily anxious in my car while sitting in traffic, heading to work. I was driving this POS Mazda at the time, which I loved, but since I had been working two jobs it had gotten dirty and cluttered. I remember setting down my coffee mug by the stick shift, glancing at the floor of the passenger seat and feeling overwhelmed and not safe. 

Now mind you, this car oddly enough brought me a sense of peace.. with the exception of when it blew up in a target parking lot, complete with black smoke. My dad drove an old beat up Mazda to work when I was a kid. It smelled like oil since he was a mechanic and well, it leaked oil. It was a manual (which I remember since us kids fought over who had to sit in the middle on the bench seat), just like mine. I had even found this wide bottomed, ceramic mug that my dad had back in the late 80’s, early 90’s at the thrift store. This stupid piece of shit car reminded me of my dad and my childhood, and in the early throws of adulthood, surrounded by poverty, I needed that feeling of calm.

So I looked down at the passenger seat floor and I could feel the panic rising. I never worried about my safety, not even when the radiator blew in the middle of the road. I didn’t even have air bags, and got in a fender bender, but I still felt safe. Yet, when I looked at all the TRASH and CLUTTER on the floor of that car, I felt like if I didn’t clean it up, something TERRIBLE would happen. I just knew it.

That feeling is still around. If my floor is dirty, or my books overflow the bookshelf (which happens more than I’d like to admit) I get overwhelmed. Instantly. The boyfriend is pretty used to this now as he’s seen me have full blown panic attacks because the kitchen table is covered in papers, or my side table is too cluttered. Once my day heads down that path, it’s very rarely recoverable.. at least not to a normal state. Back when I still worked, I would feel the urge to turn my car around and go home because I was SURE I had left the doors unlocked and that someone would break it. I would triple check that the windows were shut, except for one (because fire: cats need to get out) before I left, but feel like I had to drive back and check. Then when I’d get to work, on lunch, I’d start feeling anxious if I didn’t organize my desk, or my purse, or vacuum out the Rav4 on lunch. It’s a downhill battle that I didn’t have a chance of winning, even with the help of Ativan.

So in order to keep my anxiety under control, I make sure to stay on top of my chores. It’s not any worse than anyone else’s cleaning. I just do the dishes before bed, wipe down counters. If I see trash that needs to go out, I do it. Cat litter boxes get changed every other day. I enlist Jon to help, or make sure Noodle does her chores (although her mountain of dirty laundry in her closet never seems to get smaller hah).

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

What happens when you have anxiety AND depression. You turn into a hot mess is what happens. Your depression makes sure you lack the motivation to get your chores done. Your anxiety ramps up because you have too much to do. From there it’s just an endless cycle, all the way up until you have a good day, and clean up and tackle the the projects you need to.

It’s definitely tough. Even tougher now that the kid is a preteen. Clutter seems to just follow her around. (A lot of you can relate the the hair ties, clothes and shoes everywhere!) Yet in her pre-teen hormonal angst, she’s a lot less likely to clean up versus a toddler offered a cookie if they pick up their toys. Alas, she even knows the look on my face, right before I lose my cool, and quickly picks up her crap and shuttles it into her room. Haha.

I was just reminded of my anxiety-depression conundrum while I was tackling some cleaning and organizing earlier today. I’m coming off of a down swing with the depression, so I had some projects to take care of (I’m looking at you linen closet (wait, am I finally an adult because I have a linen closet??)) and it just felt nice to clean out parts of the house. So I figured I’d write about it, because we all know that talking about it, educates people. Dealing with anxiety and depression is easier than it used to be, but there’s still a lot of stigma attached to it, so the more information that’s out there, the better.

Plus, I’m really happy to have a lot of “good days” as of late.

Winter – Depression & Crohns rear their Collective Heads

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Winter has always been rough for me. My depression and anxiety tend to get worse, usually from late December until spring. Usually my Crohns Disease acts up (my anxiety levels up my symptoms) as well. However, I tend to look at it like this: There’s no better time to be sick and depressed than winter. Why? Because fuck the cold and snow, that’s why.

It’s not big deal though, although I hope my (few) friends understand why I’ve been so distant lately. Sometimes it is just hard to push through the brain fog. So for now, I’ll remain cuddled up on my couch with my books and Reddit.

Life other than all of that is alright.

The kid is doing fantastic, she’s not the biggest fan of school this year, but she’s doing great. She’s got one hell of a personality now, she’s like my little punk rocker. She’s super open minded and accepting of others, and thanks to the current political climate has a firm dislike of racists and nazi-scum. She asked me to give her an undercut the other day, so now she has the underside of her ponytail buzzed and the bottom 4″ of her hair is sea green/blue. She is definitely something else, and despite the daily video calls with her other little gremlin friends, I am indefinitely proud of her.

The boyfriend has been job hopping. Trying to find one that is a good fit for him, might as well take advantage of the interviews and look for a great position and company to work for. Things are going great with us, so nothing new there.

Our Animal House has been good too. Vader (our neighbor’s old cat) has settled into the house fantastically. Smudge is still not too fond of him, but they get along. I do have to say that I love Vader dearly. He is such a sweetheart, I couldn’t ever imagine losing him even though he hasn’t been here nearly as long as Smudge or Thumbs.

Things calmed down with Jon’s ex. That’s something I’m glad is basically over. She had denied him visitation over the summer (I guess she got angry that we questioned her parenting choices and called her bluff on abandoning her daughter at our house). So we took her to court, and her lawyers basically told her to go kick rocks and give us our visitation, do half the driving and let Jon in on all decisions. Unfortunately Jon is still stuck paying for the son that is not biologically his (Ex cheated on him, got pregnant, tried to pin it on Jon) as Pennsylvania will not cancel child support, despite paternity unless another man takes his place. Unfortunately they do not require her to work, so she’s still living off of CS & Welfare. Alas. Just like with my daughters dad NOT paying child support, EVER.. we are completely okay with the kids knowing who does what for them, and seeing us as examples. Neither of us will bad mouth our exes in front of our children, but we also don’t lie.

As for me? I’m still on hiatus from work. I’ve interviewed with a few places over the phone, and turned down several in person interviews. I’m not sure what my plan is for right now, but our situation works for us and I’m enjoying finally being able to spend (forced) time with the kiddo even if she’s at the age where she’s not so keen on it. Ha.

As the months drag on, I still do not regret quitting my last job. I’m reminded almost daily by Timehop showing me the posts about how miserable I was from the last 8 years. I may have my normal depression and anxiety, but I am no longer having daily anxiety attacks about going into that toxic environment. I hear from old coworkers and work contacts every once in a while, and it seems like it hasn’t gotten much better beyond a crackdown. All I can say there folks is I learned a life lesson, one that I’ve drilled into Jon (as he walked from one recently in order to take another higher position) and one that I’m teaching my daughter. Work is work, don’t let them destroy you and your health, because at the end of the day, you are expendable. No job is worth being miserable. Not even one you devoted the better part of your 20’s and early 30’s to it.

So beyond all that rambling, hey. At least I’m writing again. I have been slowly working myself into writing again. Even if it’s just free writing a few sentences a day. I’ve just got to get into the habit. Writing is the easiest way to clear my mind and lift my mood.

On that note. I’m off to eat some chocolate and cuddle with the pupper.

Headaches and Headache Balm

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Most of you know I’m pretty science based. Hell, when you have a chronic illness, you kind of have to be with all of the treatments you have to endure. I’m the first one to throat punch a person who tells me to stop my meds and eat some raw foods to cure my Crohns, or take a walk instead of take my antidepressants. I don’t particularly believe in god, though I tend to swing more towards agnostic rather than militant atheist these days. (Fuck organized religion though!)

However, over the last year or so, I’ve surprised myself by being a bit.. holistic? I’m not even sure that’s the right word I’m looking for. I started using essential oils to treat my anxiety and headaches among other things.

It all started back when my heart started acting up. (Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, although as time goes by, it seems closer to POTS, but I don’t have the funds to see a different EP for a second opinion.) I had always been a very anxiety-ridden person, and having a racing heart that occasionally needed to be medically stopped, shot my anxiety through the roof. So a friend of mine gave me some essential oils to try for my new-much-more-hard-core panic attacks. They seemed to work.

So I started investigating different kinds of oils and what people use them for. Now, I’m not one to say “Oh, try ingesting 3 drops of this oil, twice a day and you’ll be cured of this ailment!!”, because that’s crap, and we all know it, but I do think that certain scents are calming, and certain herbs have been proven to work as anti-inflammatory (and disproved – I’m looking at you Turmeric.) Over the past year, I started diffusing certain scents that help me calm myself down when I’m overly stressed or anxious, or help me (or my daughter) sleep when a bout of insomnia strikes.

I’ve also started using Headache Balm (which is essentially peppermint and beeswax) which delivers a cooling sensation when applied to the neck and temples. Combine that with breathing and some Excedrin, I can battle my way through a tension headache or migraine without having to use my injections or head into the ER for IV medication.

Last night/today was a prime example. I went out to have drinks with a friend of mine, but a couple hours after leaving the house, I got that twinge in my head that signaled a migraine coming on. I borrowed some of her headache balm and called my boyfriend for a ride. I came home and was able to get some sleep with more balm and a lot of Tylenol.

Woke up this morning, and it was still there. It was miserable. Jon massaged my head with balm and I took a Zofran to battle the nausea that came with it. I also used some oils to keep my anxiety down (which I always get once I get nauseated or am faced with using my very expensive medicine that I can’t afford). By mid-day, it was finally subsiding, with no real damage beyond time lost, so I came home to nap.

Now, I’m enjoying my Saturday night, curled up in my bed (with a a bit of a Crohns flare, been bothering me for a few weeks) and my diffuser going to help me stay relaxed.

The way I figure it, is if the balm and oils has a placebo effect, than great! I’m all for placebo effects! If they don’t work! Then my house smells great and I’m moisturized! I’m not delusional enough to think that some ginger oil is going to cure my crohns, but I do think that some lavender oil helps me sleep, and some lime and geranium picks me up. No matter what, patchouli has always helped me stay grounded. So why not give it a try?