Relationships and Tolerance.

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Almost everyone has standards (albeit some of them have extremely low standards), we have standards pertaining to jobs we’ll accept, behavior from our children, and how dirty our homes can get.  We have standards for friendships and what I’m writing about today, we have standards for our committed relationships.

Being a single girl out and about is most definitely amusing.  The different types of guys you meet will blow your mind and if you’re lucky (or unlucky enough) you’ll have that wonderful opportunity to compare two men who are making chase after your single self.

You’ll think about them, you’ll compare.  “Well (insert guy here) is way more my physical type.” (<- Meaning, his ass is FINNNNNE) “Well (insert guy here) he seems like a bad boy though, (insert guy here) will probably treat me better.” “(Insert guy here) has a good job and his own place, and (insert guy here) is gorgeous but do I really want to pick him up every single time?” As well as the inevitable, especially in smaller towns – “Well my friend said (insert guy here) is a player, do I want to risk it?” or “(insert guy here) said he cheated on his ex, do I want to risk him cheating on me?  And (insert guy here) has the approval of the girls.”

Comparison.  We decide what we want in a relationship, out of a guy we’re considering committing ourselves to.  We might give up the (oh my god need a new pair of panties) good looks for someone we’re sure is a sweetheart.  We might turn down the date with the sweet guy because he isn’t financially as secure as we are (admit it girls, most all of you, especially ladies with children, ex-husbands and houses…. are you really going to date the guy who lives with his mom and doesn’t even have his own car?).  We might take a risk and date the bad boy because… well simply? We can sleep with him, but why not date him so we can sleep with him multiple times?  Helloooooo ripped abs.  We decide what we want, what we’ll forgo, or tolerate to get what we want in a man.  We decide ultimately our future relationship problems.

We tend to lower certain or some standards to get the end result we want.

Lets analyze my fucked-up-love-life-past shall we?

I actually don’t have too many standards, but the ones I have I stick to the majority of the time.  I said majority, not all the time, so lets apply these to my fail of a marriage.

My two biggest rules are : (call me a bitch for the first if you like)

You have to look good.  Not perfect.  Good.  I want someone who looks decent and more importantly cares about how they look.  I want someone who puts in effort to their health and appearance (and therefore our sex life).  You don’t have to be the hottest thing out there, but I’ll pass on the beer gut and greasy hair.  Oh and brush your teeth please, and while your at it?  Smell good.

I want commitment.  I don’t trust people easily, and seeing as how I love attention myself I don’t commit easily.  I’ve enjoyed being single and dating , playing the field, and have passed up on some very promising relationships because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit… because I wasn’t ready to give up “the single life” and the chase that comes along with it.  I don’t want to commit myself to someone who can’t commit to me.  If I can go as far as to delete “my collection” from my radar, I expect a man to be faithful to me.

Now with my ex-husband, when I met him he was decent looking.  Far from gorgeous (sorry T, I totally wasn’t digging the teeth) but he kept himself the best he could.  He did his hair when we went out, he wore nice clothes, and eh, I didn’t have to be drunk to want to sleep with him.  As far as he said, he didn’t cheat on his girlfriends.  He didn’t commit unless he was sure he would be with that person.

Well, the physical attraction didn’t decline right away, (however it sure did towards the end )but I proved myself to be a very stupid girl in the latter regard.  Tim never did cheat on me, that I can prove anyway, but he was more attention seeking than  myself.

I won’t lie, it’s flattering as all get out when someone-who-is-not-mine hits on me.  I’ll accept drinks and flash my smile and enjoy the compliments and attention.  However, I do not go seek this attention.  (If I’m committed) I have my man, and I get enough of that with him.  I just enjoy the attention.  Eventually when it comes up “Well yeah, I have a boyfriend.” or “As tempting as it is, I can’t give out my number, I am seeing someone.”  Anything beyond that in my book is cheating.  Strict as that is.

Shortly before T and I got married, I found something on my computer.  Well beyond porn, because frankly I don’t mind that, I enjoy that, and hell… I’m not going to be uh… in the mood all the time.  I found a couple dating sites.  One on inkednation.com (I think) and another hook-up site.  My fiance, the man who was supposed to love me was on dating sites.  He posted several posts looking for “women in the lake county area” and “women looking to hook up”.  He messaged females, cyber-sex, trading photos and so on.  I never caught him in the act of meeting up with someone because I immediately flew off the handle and ripped off his face.

But for some stupid reason, I stayed.  Hindsight, that was an indictor that he would never be satisfied with just me.  Little did I know, in the beginning months of our relationship he was seeing Kelly (Yes, Kelly from the previous posts) at the same time as myself, and then on top of the dating websites (which apparently never stopped), continued to talk to her and look at her pictures.  For a while I was mad at her (hell, I am again, she KNEW he was married to me) but I now put the blame on him too.  As far as I know, he never met up with her, or anyone else (I could very well be dead wrong) but that brings us back to the original point… I view dating websites, hook-up sites and any attempt at going outside of a relationship (even if there is no follow through) as cheating… which means there is no true commitment.

I should have run because one of my biggest standards wasn’t met… if I can keep my pants on (virtually and real-world), my man should keep it in his pants.  Yet I stuck around until it ultimately had a hand in the end of the relationship.  Hindsight I was stupidly in love and wanted my white picket fence..wanted it enough to drop my standards… and look where that ended me.

 

So back to standards.  In a relationship we know what we want and what our standards are.  We know our past experiences and failures and build our standards on that.  Then we get in a relationship, and we decide if our standards are met, or in worse case scenario to forgo said standard to be with someone.

I guess what I’m getting at ladies, is when it’s time to start thinking about this, you have to think about the risks, the end results.  Ladies with one marriage (or more) already under their belts will be more familiar with this than anyone else.   Do you raise your standards?  Do you compare and contrast?  What if this new man doesn’t meet the bar completely, is it worth the risk?  Is it really wise to make the same mistakes over again just to risk getting hurt because you see potential in someone?  I want to know what everyone thinks on this one, I find it very interesting, and of course have been here myself.  Comments are welcome!

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Opposite. Different.

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Attract.

 

I’ve been told I’m an “acquired taste”, which I’ll take as a compliment fuck you very much… and that I’m slightly abrasive.  I know I’m a bit quirky, and that makes it hard for people to get along with me for extended periods of time.  I mean hell, who really wants to hang out with the chick who makes you want to stab yourself in the eardrum in under an hour?  (Don’t all raise your hands at once now, form a single file line to the left…) I’m extremely outgoing and active.  I’m the type of girl who loves to be the center of attention (usually for humor reasons) and therefore end up motivating groups of people to do something.  I don’t have a filter between my brain and mouth and most of my thoughts are derogatory, perverted or just plain bitchy.  I like to be in charge, and I like to be loud about it.   I am very independent and hate to accept help from anyone, (would anyone like a side of pride with that?) and shockingly enough love helping others.  While I’ll most likely inadvertently insult you, and your mom, I actually really worry about making everyone happy.  I’m in your face 24/7 whether you like it or not.  I’m an Extrovert in the true sense of the word and an Aries to boot, the word dominant and alpha-female is putting it lightly.

Usually the only people who can tolerate me for long periods of time are people with similar personalities, and quite honestly, I get along best with them.  It just works out that way, we irritate each other, threats of violence are made and then we’re on to the next conquest (after I prove I’m right that is).

Not with relationships though.   Don’t get me wrong.  I am attracted to the man who holds everyone’s attention, even my own adhd attention span, but in reality, I’ve never had a successful relationship with someone like me.  In fact, every guy I’ve ever dated who even remotely came close to being as dominant as myself, every pseudo relationship I’ve had with an uber-dominate has backfired.  Like Hiroshima backfired.

You know what relationships have worked out long term?  Ended well?  Whatever?  Relationships with guys who are my near polar opposite.  Men who are laid back, where as I am high-strung.  Men who tend to stand back and watch (and laugh) instead of insisting on the spot light.  Men who don’t have much of a temper, where as I have a short (read: non-existant) fuse.  Men who create a calm balance with the chaos that is my life.

I don’t want to imply that I’m attracted to submissive men, because in reality I’m not.  There is nothing more sexy than a man who will stand up for what he believes in, say his piece and fight with me when I’m wrong.  I’d break a door-mat type of guy, not only break, but shatter.  I’m just saying I’ve only had destructive/unhealthy relationships with men who are uber-dominant/similar to my personality type.  I guess, in my case at least, I’m attracted to my opposite.

Now on that note, I’m feeling kind of old, stereotypical, like-a-fucking-hallmark-card for saying this but… Opposites Attract.  Why is that exactly?  I think it may have something to do with our sub-conscious need to have a balanced life, especially at home/in the love department.  I always (up until recently) figured I was only attracted to the out-going-douche-nozzles like myself, when in reality, when I look back at my love life, I’ve only dated a few.  Most of my dates/relationships/flings have been with introverted guys, calming, laid back guys.  Guys who have personalities that compliment mine.  It’s taken me to my 25 year to realize this, but hey, at least I figured it out now… after I spazzed out on the boyfriend and he remained calm the entire time.  haha.

Now my question would be:  Do you think the old saying “Opposites Attract” is true for the majority?  For yourself?  I need input people… INPUT.  Chime in!

 

This is the noise that keeps me awake.

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I don’t know how to start this one.  So bear with me, I promise it might make sense.  Maybe.  Or I’m talking out of my ass again, which is extraordinarily likely.  You know, early mornings and such.

Do you?

So sitting here this morning I was going through my text messages and responding to all the drunk retards from last night, and he popped in my head.  I got used to my good morning texts.  Then I realized something, something I haven’t felt in a long time.  A wave of something.  What is that?  I couldn’t quite place it.  When I thought of him, I missed him.  The fact that he popped in my head for no reason surprised me on it’s own, actually missing someone after only a couple days?  To say the least it really caught me off guard.  So now the question stands, does he think about me too?  I wonder if he’s missed me yet…

New relationships, pseudo or official, crushes or infatuations, really are confusing.  I forgot how much, as it’s been a while.  Years.  I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, the last, even possibly remotely relevant relationship I have to go off of was Nick… but that was just different.  I knew it would never develop into anything because of the whole moving away thing.  So there was none of this.

When I was a teenager, I had two relationships.  I had many dates, but only two people I cared for.  I don’t remember much about the beginnings of those relationships, and I most definitely don’t remember this feeling.  I remember the downfalls, but not the infatuation that started it all.   Maybe I’ve time traveled back to when I was 16.  Maybe this is that retarded feeling that you hear about from high school girls.

I just have to say, it’s not a bad feeling, even if I’m not used to it.  There’s that fear that I’m setting myself up to be hurt, but for now, I’ll just drink my coffee and enjoy it.

Ignorance.

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So I’ve been thinking today.  She-who-shall-not-be-named had been making comments (online, although I’m sure in real life as well) about her ex and myself.  You know, the generic high school remarks that only angsty 16 year old pseudo goth kids make.  The one that she mentioned me in on (the almighty) Twitter was “You have my sloppy seconds, he lowered his standards”.

You know, I didn’t really put much thought into it at the time, but as she continued to talk shit, I did.  I’m not quite sure how I should take it beyond kind of chuckling to myself.  At first I kind of understood the *idea* behind that statement, but in reality it doesn’t make much sense.  Sloppy Seconds?  Um.  I sure as hell didn’t sleep with him immediately after she did, so if that makes it Sloppy Seconds, then everyone in the whole world gets sloppy seconds unless they sleep with a virgin.  Haha.  Then the whole “lowered his standards” bit.  Now that’s got me confused.  Her and I are completely different, definitely a different taste… from style, to music, to appearance, to financial status, to employment status, to our pasts and what we’ve been through.  I’m not sure because I’m different than her that it’s valid to say he lowered his standards.  I would like to think he raised them a bit. Going from someone who is unemployed living at her grandmothers to someone who is employed full-time, in college and owns her own home.  But to each their own.

I used to always have the rule that I would never date a friends ex, (remember kids, I said date.  I’m still theoretically Chronically Single, the Sarah you all know and have come to loathe.) but in this one chance I’m letting that pretense go.  Why not?  She-who-shall-not-be-named and I are no longer friends, and after the things she said will never again be friends, and it’s not my fault she chose to cheat on him.  All I know is that I enjoy his company and would like to see if something could develop down the road.  Some one who can make me genuinely smile is worth giving a damn for.  Plus, what could I lose?  If nothing happens, I will still hopefully have a good friend.

Squee!

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A couple random thoughts to start this weekend:

– I feel like a giddy school girl.

– Spur of the moment is the way to go.

– Skunks stink so bad they wake people up.

– Taking the advice of others, I’m giving something a try and so far I like the way it’s working.

– Goodwill shall see me today.

– Other people’s fuck ups may or may not be my gain.

– Looking forward to work then a weekend of fun.

– After this morning?  I may not stop smiling.

– I’m too school-girl-like.  Slap me.

Socially Stunted

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I swear I just want to scream.  I would if it would help me be productive, but it won’t and my neighbors will just think I’m weird.  -er.   So today I feel like an asshole.  I inadvertently put one of my guy friends on the spot after getting put on the spot myself.  Then in the 20 minutes that took, I pissed off another one of my friends. 

Today re-affirmed the thoughts in the last few days about me being socially awkward.  So it occurred to me that I had no idea if one of my guy friends had any interest in me, as I do him, after being asked about it.  So I do what I do best.  I asked point blank.  The answer is no.  Which is completely cool, but I feel as if I fucked up. 

I hadn’t really put much thought into that one.  Was just going with the flow, didn’t expect anything and was just enjoying a friendship.  Sure there was attraction but I was more concerned about whether or not I’d have a friend who’d want to do some of the things I want to do (see:  ranting about not finding people who have interests outside of the bar).

So now that that is out there I feel like an ass.  I got the answer I was expecting about where his heart lies, but I guess I also expected more of a go-with-the-flow attitude like myself.  Which is disappointing to be honest, but life goes on.  But most importantly I’m afraid I just pushed away a friend.  I don’t want anyone to feel awkward around me, which happens so often it’s ridiculous, for many reasons.  I don’t know.  My head is all in shambles and I feel like an ass for pushing the question when I wasn’t concerned in the first place. 

I don’t understand why after 25 years I still muddle up my social life.  I just don’t get it.  I do. not. understand.  I came to terms with my timing sucking a long time ago, but come on!  Screwing up two friendships in one day?  I feel like I can not catch a break.  I gave up looking specifically for someone (in relationship terms) a long time ago and just going for lasting friendships.  But I can’t seem to functionn right.  I say the wrong things, I bring up the wrong topics, I stick my own foot in my mouth about things I don’t even concern myself with.

My other friend asked me if I wanted to go out this weekend.  I told her I was down, but quite honestly didn’t want to be the buffer between her and her boyfriend.  She freaked out.  I was just being honest.  I want to go out and have fun, not being the medium between a constantly fighting couple (seriously why be together if there is so much anger) and apparently I’m a cold hearted bitch.  I’m sorry.  So she’s pissed and not answering her texts.

But you know what? She pisses me off all on her own.  She has a great guy who would do anything in the world for her.  She constantly picks fights with himand makes him miserable.  Why be together? Let the boy go so he can be happy.  Seriously.  Then again on his part, I’m tired of the whining.  Obviously the relationship isn’t working, just quit it.  Love is eternal, but the best lesson I’ve learned is that love does not have to go hand in hand with pain.  You deserve to be happy too.

That’s it. I found my pretty distraction.  I’m crawling back in my fucking cave.  Hopefully friendship A will be okay and shit will go well.  Hopefully Friendship B (sub C) will get her shit straight and stop using me and abusing her man.  Until then I quit.

 

 

I Forgot the Title Again

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So I was in a strange mood (still am.  When am I not?) on the way home from work.  I’ve been feeling really rough today, Crohns has been giving me enough problems to make me skip my run.  I hurt.  So I was thinking back to simpler times, and of course all reminiscing I do involves music.  I loved the original version of this song by Sade when I was younger, and as I passed the Deftones Cd I remembered the ONLY song I really listened to on that CD was a cover of it.  I have so many memories attached to this song it’s unbelievable.  This cover is amazing, his voice is a perfect fit to cover one of her hits.

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Flashback time.   I remember sitting at my apartment.  I had just gotten home from my second job, that day I had worked a total of 18 hours, which at the time was normal.  I had 6 hours until my next shift but was waiting for my boyfriend to come over because I wanted to see him.  I had made some coffee and put on my mix cd.  After about an hour I called my boyfriend, he hadn’t shown up yet.  Voicemail.  I threw the phone down and went into my kitchen for more coffee.  No Ordinary love started playing after a minute.  I went to sit back down chuckling because he had dubbed it “our song”.  I noticed I missed his call and had a voicemail.  Well.  By the time that song ended, I was single.  He had broken up with me over a voicemail.  So this song automatically reminds me of the sorrow I felt at that moment.  I mean granted, hind sight it was most definitely for the best, but that’s the emotion I have attached to the song.

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Thinking about that relationship is bringing some realizations up to the top of my brain.  Despite it’s abrupt ending that was most likely the best relationship I’ve ever had.  I remember just looking at him and loving every aspect.  I remember feeling like I could be myself around him.  Feeling that despite my flaws I was perfect in someone’s eyes.

Since then I’ve had many dates, a few relationships and a very fucked up marriage.  In none of those did I ever feel like that.  Looking back I felt caged, cornered, fake and alone.  I don’t know why I settled back then, especially with my marriage.  I don’t know why I thought the way I was feeling was even remotely acceptable.

I think that’s why I’m getting the reputation as being Chronically Single.  I swear, I’d change my facebook status to that if it was possible.  My standards are so ridiculously high despite my recent (and failed) attempt at giving almost everyone a chance.   I never jump into anything as it is, I don’t like rushing into titles, I like getting to know someone, but usually in that time frame I realize that it’s just not enough,  not what I want to feel.  There’s been two people since then, one from last year, one from this year.  Both were/are impossible (or so it seems).  So I gave/am givin up.

One thing I learned from those two and all the failed match ups over the years is that you can not settle, and you can not make someone settle for you.  That’s life.

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Random.

I don’t know if I like putting myself out there, even on a friend level.  I feel uncomfortable, and more times than not I end up hurt.  I do it all for the memories, but as of lately I’ve been questioning the end point.  I mean I get some great memories out of it, but in the end I get hurt.  I don’t know.  I guess this applies to my entire life as well.  Maybe this relates to the reality that in all due reality I’m just socially awkward.  All I do know is I put myself out there.  This is the last time.  I’m done.  I’m just goin to go with the flow.