The Weekend

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Welp folks, the weekend is finally here.  It’s Friday afternoon and I feel like I can finally breathe.  It’s been a really long couple of weeks and today is the first day I can really decompress.  This weekend isn’t looking particularly slow either, but I’m making it a point to take care of myself and relax.  

I’m excited that it’s supposed to be warm tomorrow, just in time for Noodle’s friends (and mine too!) to come over! Girl talk, coffee, kids running around, boyfriend at work, lets just say I’m excited.  Beyond that this weekend is going to have a boyfriend-requested sci-fi night, crafts (hey, it’s almost Christmas!) and lots of food and coffee.  Of course I’ll work on the yard (or Ryan will, and I’ll drink coffee and watch if I can get away with it) or do laundry or something  that adult-hood dictates, but only in between putting my feet up and chasing my kid. 

It’s going to be a good weekend, and I hope everyone enjoys it.  Cheers! 

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The things I hate about you… and by you I mean Crohns.

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I feel a bit blah today.  I know why too, and I hate it.  Just like I did last time.  Prednisone.  The oh so wonderful steroid that helps so many of us Crohnies, kicks my ass.  Yes, it helps with the fistula and it helps push my disease closer to remission, but good god do the side effects suck.

I’m not sure what it is about this time, but the side effects have popped up in half the amount of time.  I’ve only been on a heavy dose of steroids for just over a week and I feel like I did three weeks into steroids last time.  My body aches, my joints sting, and my skin hurts, especially around my face and shoulders.  My brain is foggy too, which was a huge complaint of mine last time around.

The point of taking steroids this time is to get my body healthy enough for surgery, which I’m willing to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about it.  I feel hung over, even if I haven’t had a drink in longer than I can remember.  I feel blah.

It definitely doesn’t help that this week was very busy, especially the last half of the week.  We had two girls out, and I have been playing catch up on top of it after missing days for my hospital stay last week.  Combined with the extra hours I picked up to help out and these stupid drugs I’m on, I’m exhausted.

I got a lot done this week.  I feel like I’m caught up at work for the most part, and the house doesn’t look too shabby.  Bills are paid and errands have been run.  This week was hell, just like last week was, but at least it was productive.  This weekend looks much better though.  Ryan is going to be working a short day tomorrow, so that means lounging around the house until he gets off of work and then relaxing for the rest of the weekend, until my drive to clean and organize steps in anyway.

As always though, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, as I always do when I get sick.  It seems like when you’re down and out with your health, your true support network shows through.  As always, I am reminded how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life, and how happy they make me.

I’m lucky to have a job that I love and that accommodates me with my odd health schedule.  I may want to torch the place half the time, and bury my coworkers in the back building, but hey, who doesn’t?  I’m lucky to have coworkers who give a shit about how I feel and my overall health… even people I don’t work closely with every day have shown concern.  From truck drivers to stores, every day someone new pops up and asks how I’m feeling and how I’m doing back at work.

Of course I’m extremely lucky to have my parents.  My dad took Noodle for a couple of nights while I was in the hospital last week and spoiled her.  My sister apparently took her to the zoo, but I wouldn’t know first hand, I heard from my Dad.  I’m glad that I have such a lovely family who looks out for my kiddo and takes care of her so I can rest and heal.  My friends have played a huge role, from my “cafe-mom” friends to Katie and Ingrid (Girls I grew up with).  My neighbors even brought over a meal when I got home and have cut me some slack for my crap-mood.  Yet again, I’m reminded that family is not just blood.  Some times people who aren’t even related to you, step up more than blood does.

I am more than grateful for Ryan too.  When we first got together, I was concerned about how he’d react to my Crohns Disease.  I mean it sucks, some days I hurt too much to eat, or am feeling run down enough to just want to lay in bed.  (Granted, I’m still more active than half the people I know haha).  I worried what he’d think about my having to get Remicade Infusions, or when I’d end up in the hospital again (we actually started dating right after my last obstruction ~ cute note ~ he had offered to bring me a bag of books while I was in the hospital, it’s what peaked my interest to begin with. :)).  I was concerned that he wouldn’t be happy with a girl who was sick, and who will be sick until there is a cure found.

At this point though, I’m extremely glad I met him.  He has been by my side every step of the way.   He comes to damn near every doctor’s appointment, and has only missed one infusion (due to work).  He spoils me when I feel sick, and picks up the slack when I’m down.  When I realized it was time to go to the hospital, he came with, helped me with Noodle (ie: getting my Dad to come get her, packed up her and my stuff, and took care of her for the first 8 hours we were there.)  He listened to me bawl because of the pain, then again because of the heavy drugs (I don’t know, I’m a crier on pain meds).  He listened to the pros and cons brought to us by the surgeons, and he met my doctors.

Most importantly, he sat there and held my hand, only leaving when I made him.  I don’t know what I was so worried about.  Crohns Disease hasn’t made me a worse girlfriend, just like with being a mother, it just made me a little more unique.  Luckily for me, I found a man who loves me for who I am, even if my body is a bit off.  It’s nice to know that I am not going through this alone, that Noodle is not going through this alone.  Not only do we have the support of our family and friends but Ryan.  We’re very lucky.

So worn down I feel today, but all in all I’m not in a horrible mood.  I’m am looking forward to spending time with my kid and the boyfriend this weekend, and just enjoying snuggling in in the morning.  My Crohns may be kicking my ass right now, but that’s not going to stop me from baking cookies with the kid, having a sci-fi marathon with the boyfriend, and enjoying my weekend.  So for now, I’m going to drink this last bit of coffee and wait for dinner to finish.  It smells awesome, and I’m sure since Noodle and Ryan cooked it, I’ll eat every bite.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys this first couple of days with the Autumn chill and rain.  Happy Friday.

Autumn. And then some.

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Fall. Autumn. The fuck you summer, winter is coming part of the year. It’s here and I’m thrilled even if I’m a bit sad to see summer go.

This summer flew by, there was a lot of chaos and some life lessons were learned. There were weekends at the lake house and afternoons spent in the backyard. It flew by though. It just seems like it just started.  Regardless, it’s over.

I like Autumn though, hoodie weather. It’s the time of year for bonfires and camping. The leaves seem to be falling early on the maples though so I’m not sure if I’ll make the trip to Devil’s Lake this year. Either way, I’m going to help Noodle collect leaves once they change.

I just can’t believe this year has flown by so fast, nor can I believe the changes it has brought. If nothing else, this year has been a productive one.

So I guess this weekend will be spend taking out the air conditioners and setting up the furnace. Maybe a trip to the forest preserve. Good bye Summer.

Safe in Monotony.

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Well hello there Autumn.  Nice to see you.  I’m enjoying the leaves changing and the first cold nights of the year, but I just wanted to let you know something.  No seriously, you ready Autumn?

Stop making me feel stagnant! Asshole. 

Sometime about this season gets to me, beyond the melancholy crap I normally make others suffer through.  I always go through spurts, but for some reason, the cold crisp air and the smell of leaves really do it.  I feel stagnant.  I feel stuck in place.  Monotony.  I’d rather not.

“There’s so much to dream about, there must be more to my life.”

“My youth is slipping, my youth is slipping away.  Safe in monotony, day after day.”

The thing that fucks me up this year?  I’ve achieved everything I’ve wanted for the year.  I still need to go back to school, but for a change, that’s not really bugging me.  Finishing that bachelor’s degree can fuck off for now.  I mean hell, I found a job I enjoy (most days),  I some how managed to get my stupid ass in a relationship with the boy.. and he treats me like a princess, Noodle is happy, healthy and in preschool, and I’m coming out on top financially… finally.  Things are good.  I’m making progress on the house, coming up with some awesome ideas, and have been actively facing my Crohns Disease and making strides to get better.  Somebody explain to me why I feel stagnant again?

“I’m insatiable, I hunt down my dreams, it’s the only thing I know.”

This song above, literally, word for word describes I feel right now, especially right now, as well as the other times I get into this mood.  I constantly feel like nothing is good enough in my life, and I have to keep going and get better.  “When I have everything?  Will I be good enough?—but I can’t have everything, cause I’m insatiable”.  The lyrics are exactly it.  EXACTLY.

So what do I do now?  As soon as I’m 100% on track with finances, I am going to be painting and replacing trim.  Then next year working on the deck and the yard.  I’m saving for a new car.  Working on getting back in shape (thanks pneumonia).  What do I want to do?  What is going to get rid of the itch in my skin that requires a change?  I want to pick up and move.  I won’t, but it’s that kind of itch.

What’s next?

Good Morning Amer… oh screw off.

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There’s something about waking up at 6:45am.  There’s also something about scrambling out of bed thinking I slept through my alarm and need to get ready for work.  Something else?  Yes, there is definitely something about your kid waking up, the dog barking, making coffee and stubbing your toe on the backdoor all before you realize that it’s Saturday.  It’s Saturday.  Saturday means sleeping in.  Saturday means no work and no getting up before the sun.  Saturday means son-of-a-whore-I-am-up-at-6:45-for-no-got-damn-reason.

So as I’m standing out in the front yard, watching the dog, watching the neighbor’s dog, in a robe that is bigger than me,  my neighbor across the street comes out to go to work.

Where’s your boyfriend?

In your backyard burying your girlfriend.

What?

Nevermind.

Nice robe there Sarah.

Nice green card.

Damn, cranky much? Why are you awake so early?

Because I obviously want to see your beautiful face first thing, go to work already.

I don’t know why people are so dead set on fucking with me so early in the morning, especially when I haven’t had my coffee.  They call it amusing.  I call it a death wish, if death wishes included having your scrotum stapled to your ceiling.

Eh.  It’s about 8am now, I’m on my second cup of coffee and am pretty much sure I’m still not awake but that’s cool.  I have a lot of stuff to do today, so being up early is helpful.  Now to just coax myself into a hot shower and try to loosen up some muscles so I don’t walk around like I’m old enough for my tits to be hanging by my knees and get moving.

Hey Mister Therapy Man.

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Melancholy.

It’s that time of year again.  Normally I’d say it’s the season of mourning and the season of change, but this year?  This entire year has been full of nothing but change. Change for the better.  Change (my health) for the worse.
The entire year.  This fall, I’m not really mourning too much, even though it’s approaching the anniversary of the passing of two of my friends.  I suppose all three will hit me in January when my ma’s anniversary rolls around.  Meh.

This year, this season has me in a mellow mood.  I’m remembering a lot of the people I’m missing through my senses.  The smell of burning leaves reminds me Adam.  The chill mixed with the smell of my leather reminds me of Mike.  Fall reminds me of all the bonfires of the past.  All the coffees on the pier.  All the people I miss desperately at this time of the year.  The man who helped pull me out of the gutter takes up most of my spare thoughts around now.

Regardless, I love Autumn.  It’s the ultimate season of fires and beers.  Cuddling and coffee.  It’s the season of pumpkin picking and decorations.  Some of my fondest memories are from Autumn, obviously.  Something about the smells of the season make it that much easier to attach people to.

So tomorrow is my first appointment to get my Remicade Infusion.  I decided this evening, while curled over my stomach, that I’m all for this med.  I also decided I’m buying a robotic body as soon as the technology is available.   Come on now, who can honestly say that having a robot body isn’t the coolest idea ever… only if it comes equipped with laser eyes.  Oh.  And no Crohns.

So yeah, I’m still slightly nervous about the side effects of the drugs, but at this rate, I just want to feel normal again.  That 3 week stint of “remission” from Humira was like dangling the proverbial carrot (or in my case cheap beer) in front of my face.  It gave me a taste of near-normalcy and now I’m extra eager to feel that again.

I don’t feel horrible, don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt much worse.  Much much much worse before, but I’d like to enjoy a tiny bitty bit of Autumn healthy before it snows.

“Stay low in Mexico, and they go, Stay in Mexico… it never snows in Mexico!”
-Justin Nozuka

Coming Home.

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“Id rather wake up besides you, and breathe that familiar smell.”

This morning it feels like fall.  It’s barely 50 degrees, the scent from the bonfire came in on the wind last night, and I have my coffee.  This morning I’m nostalgic.

Fall has this power over me, every single year, especially in the morning I get a little melancholy.  I reminisce.  This mood isn’t really a negative thing as a whole, I just.. remember.

Something about the smell of burning leaves and the cool crisp feel to the air first thing in the morning.  It makes me want nothing more than to curl up in bed with someone I love, snuggle into my blankets and hover over my cup of coffee.  I remember the past on these days, I smile at the memories, I wince at some.  I relive them in my head and I miss the past.

This season, for some reason always has a calming effect on me, I think because my past was always so turbulent in the fall and early winter seasons.  When the leaves start to fall my mind can’t help but remember, yet at the same time feel grateful that life has slowed down enough.

D came out last night, he’s been really distant from me (and everyone else) lately and I’ve missed him.  Albeit he’s still a new friend, so to speak, but something about this guy lets me feel a bit more open, and the fact that he has the intelligence to hold a real conversation makes me appreciate him.  So we talked for a bit, played catch up for 10 minutes and talked about the mess our brains were.  We’re in two different situations, but I know there is understanding so I’m alright with talking.

The one thing that was brought up was how petty our childhood/teenage problems were, how how it’d be so nice to go back to the past.  I had been saying that I get aggravated when people bitch about simple things (ie: not having anything to do on Friday night, or your hair just. not. looking right.) like it’s the end of the world.  That just aggravates me, I usually keep my mouth shut because everyone deserves to vent, but I had been saying that lately I didn’t trust myself to keep my mouth shut, especially facing my current health problem.  The girl who had aggravated me is a good deal younger than me, which brought us to the topic at hand.

Do you remember being younger?  Those petty problems?  Even in my later teenage years, during the “lets live in chicago shelters” era, life was so much more simple.  It was work, fun, sleep.  That was the fun of it.  Before that?  Life ended when you couldn’t find a ride to the mall.  Or when your friend couldn’t come out after dinner.

My how times have changed.

Past is past, times have changes, and things are far from horrible.  Things are just different.  Sure, I’ve been to too many funerals in the past few years, my health isn’t perfect, but things are progressing, and I’m happy for the most part.  I guess what I want or rather what I miss, is just the simplicity of life.

Sure I’m still that same girl whose mood peaks at the smallest moments in life.  Like coffee on a cool fall morning.  A flower handpicked and left in my mailbox (by someone NOT psychotic).  My daughter reading with me.  I just miss when life was almost entirely simplistic.  Those moments were it.  There was no new medical treatment lurking in the back of my head.  There was no financial stress.  There was no drama with Noodle’s dad.  There was nothing but the simple things minus the few tragedies of my childhood.

More so now that Noodle is a part of my life, I focus on the small things that bring me happiness, that bring her joy.  Like painting her nails, new oil for our oil burners and candles.  Pretty fabrics and yarns.  Playing in the yard.  Simple things like a strawberry shake on a beautiful afternoon.  Of course I love these things for myself, but part of it is trying to prolong her childhood and fill it with as many happy memories as possible.

Yes our life is hectic and hasn’t been the best so far, but I want her to remember picking out the orange leaves from the yard, not missing her dad.  I want her to remember walking the forest preserve, not visiting me in the hospital.  I want her to remember the blanket I am making her, not waiting for me to finish being sick.

Life is nothing but making memories, those memories that you sit back and let drift through your mind like a smooth fog are what life is.