Christmas with a Flare

Standard

Yup, I predicted it.  My Crohns Disease is fully flaring.  What is it with the holidays and this disease kicking my ass (pun intended)!?  I had started feeling better, then on Christmas eve, I started with some severe cramping.  It had been happening on and off for weeks, so I didn’t think a whole lot about it.  I just made sure that I ate really soft foods, and took it easy.

Christmas day was really rough.  I had to have gone to the bathroom upwards of 20 times.  Anything I ate or drank went straight through me, but the pain was manageable and my parents are familiar with this mess, so I wasn’t bothered by using their bathroom.  On the way home from their house, the pain ramped up again, but I was determined to not end up in the hospital on freaking Christmas.

Got everything in the house, the kiddo in bed, and laid down for some sleep myself.  I actually managed to get some zzz’s, but at some point my daughter woke me up (she woke up at 12pm thinking it was morning).  When I got up to get her back tucked in, my bowels started moving and the pain was unbearable.  I laid in bed for a couple of hours, trying not to cry nor wake up the boyfriend when I clenched up due to the pain.  Eventually I gave up and moved to the couch.

It was horrible.  I had been so determined to have a normal set of holidays, and it all spiraled out of control.  I sent the boyfriend to work, but seeing as how the pain was bad enough that I couldn’t walk, I called off of my work.  I tried to call my GI doctor’s office for the better part of 4 hours, turns out my GI wasn’t in, neither was my normal nurse.  I ended up playing phone tag with her until the evening, where she finally told me to go in for pain management.

So the day after Christmas, I ended up going into the ER and got some fluids (I hadn’t been able to drink since the day before) and some IV pain medication.  They let me sleep for a little while, and gave me a small script for pain meds for at home.

To be completely honest, I’m pretty scared and emotional about this whole ordeal.  Sure, I’ve had obstructions over the years, and that pesky fistula, but this level of pain and diarrhea?  Not since I first got sick 7 years ago.  The pain meds help take the edge off, but they make me incredibly nauseous.  I mean, if I move I have to fight back the gagging.  So I have two choices… extreme debilitating pain, nausea, or diarrhea or extreme nausea.  Peachy.

I just hate this.  I’ve been useless since Thursday night.  Despite the IV yesterday, I’m dehydrated again, so I barely even get up to go to the bathroom.  Either it’s too painful to walk, or I’m too dizzy and nauseated.  I don’t know how to make it through work like this, which panics me too.  I lost a good handful of days to Noodle’s back to back ear infections, and I don’t want to get in trouble for missing more days… even though I can’t help it.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I made it through Christmas, and what a good Christmas it was.  My daughter told me “Mom, this was the best Christmas ever.” and that made it worth it.  However, I would have much rather gone to work yesterday with my new pens and post-its, and counted down the minutes to get out of there instead of being stuck immobile on my couch, fighting tears from the pain.

This disease genuinely sucks sometimes

Advertisements

Holiday Blues and a Fuck You!

Standard

Fuck you, I’m not going to be sad this Christmas.  I’m not.  I’m not going to be depressed, I’m not going to battle the holiday blues.  Hello Christmas, it’s your friendly neighborhood atheist, and I’m full of Christmas cheer.  Most of the time, I get kind of depressed during the holiday season.  Not this year!  This is a big Fuck Off to Holiday Blues.

Usually around Christmas I miss people.  I miss my mother, my last happy memories of her were around Christmas.  She died in January, so usually I get real wrapped up in the last Christmas we had together.  I miss my friends I’ve lost, all suicides and all in the fall/holiday season.  Even as I would try to enjoy what I have now, I would get sucked into the past and sucked down into depression.

Not this year.  It’s not happening.  I’ve spent a lot of years mourning, and while there were happy moments over the years, I spent too much of my time in a funk.  This year is different.  While I’m still remembering those whom I have lost, I’m refusing to dwell on it.  There’s too much to celebrate this year, there is too much to enjoy and I refuse to dwell on people who are no longer here, and focus on the loved ones I do have.

I am excited for this year, I’m excited to give everyone their gifts, I’m jumping out of my skin.  I can’t wait until Christmas morning so Nood can open her gifts!  I think I’m more excited than she is!  Hell, I’m just excited to hang out with my kid all week.  I took this week off of work (by accident really, I needed to use up my vacation time… I’d rather take time off in the summer so we can do outdoors stuff), so I have 7 more days to spend with my monkey.  Then, of course we have New Years coming up.  I don’t have many resolutions (just to quit smoking), I’m just looking forward to starting the year off on the right foot.

So depression, this is my farewell.  I have plenty of winter to deal with you, just not right now.  Fuck you Holiday Blues, and Happy Holidays to everyone!