Birthdays and Frustration

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Just turned another year older, seems like this last year just flew by.  My birthday weekend was actually really nice, I was able to visit with some friends I haven’t seen in a while and hang out with the boyfriend and my sister.  Got some really awesome gifts, not just from family either but from my coworkers too.

However it must have been the carefree weekend that makes everything today seem so irritating.  It seems like literally every little thing frustrated me, from work to my dentist to my banks.  You name it.  It’s just made me realize that I have to do something to change my life, something to take down the stress a little. 

Regardless, here goes another year of my life.

This adult stuff is bullshit.

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Something for me.

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One mistake I think that all of us make at some point in our existences is we forget about ourselves.  It’s all too easy, it really is.  I mean, we’re brought up to be careful of others, make sure we are good to our neighbors/coworkers/family/significant others/pretty much everyone on the planet.  So we have to focus on that and slowly but surely our own wants and needs fall to the background.  The ways a human is stretched is pretty ridiculous.  Excelling at your job is important, but so is leading your team!  Don’t forget your kids, they need to do go do something fun this weekend!  Oh and your boyfriend wants to go out with friends.  The house is cleaned, but we’re supposed to organize and oh geez, it’d be good for everyone to take a long walk!  Your parents could use a hand, and oh god, you forgot … insert A, B and C.

After getting out of the hospital this last time I’ve been feeling really… frazzled?  I felt like I was too busy but somehow I was always forgetting something or someone.  My daughter has a ton of requests regarding what she wants to do on the weekends, I now gave up on 2 separate sets of days off at work so my coworkers could take their days and I wouldn’t abandon anyone else in the office.  Dinner felt like a rush, it had to be healthy and before a certain time so my family could get enough sleep.  I really wanted a manicure, but you know, there was always something else to do.  I had wanted to do something romantic with the boyfriend, but we cancelled dinner twice because I needed to work late.

It seemed like I was being pulled in every-which-direction, and the frustration I felt, it was just ridiculous.  I think when I realized something was wrong, was when I sat down and thought about my vacation requests.  I had gone through outlook and plotted out vacation days, I almost always forget to use my time, and I had promised myself I’d take it this year.  I requested my daughters birthday off, and pulled that request when my co-worker wanted to go out of town for a week or so.  So I requested a long weekend next weekend… apparently my other coworker had requested that time off, and everyone forgot to tell me.  I had to sit down and explain to my kid that, no… I’m actually NOT taking time off.  “I know it’s Spring Break, but at least daycare is fun… yeah I know kid, I promised.”

I went home that day and honestly thought about everything.  I thought about how I felt, I thought about all the things I have planned/wanted to do, but didn’t so someone else could benefit.  I thought about spending my extra cash on something “responsible” instead of buying a silly nail polish.  I thought about the evenings I wasted working late when I should have finished what I had on my plate and ignored the rest.  I thought about the fights I had with my boyfriend because I was too stressed out to even be rational.  I thought about fighting with him because he felt my job was more important than everything else.  I thought about how I really wanted to go do something… just anything… and all the reasons I gave myself when I declined.

It’s an awful feeling to realize you don’t take care of your own happiness, your own wants and needs.  So I decided to say FUCK IT.  :)  when I got home on Friday night, I was going to try and finish up some work after dinner.  I was going to head back to the office and then go see my sister afterwards.  I was going to go out and yeah.  So I showed up to work, and no one was there.  There was supposed to be an entire shift of people there, but everyone was gone.  I immediately thought, well, I guess I can’t go visit my sister tonight, I’ll have to work in the morning.  It took me all of 5 minutes to realize that this was exactly what I had been thinking about.  Nope, Nope, Nope.  I went downtown anyway.  It was a lot of fun, hung out and chatted over drinks with my sister, and just generally had fun.  Came back in the morning, stopped and did what I absolutely had to do and went home.  I ate junk food on the way, and then spent the day in bed watching my nerdy-science shows.  Only to get up to go grocery shopping and get a chai that I was wanting.  Today?  I’m doing my nails and relaxing, maybe watching some of my shows that I have backlogged on my DVR.  Trying to figure out where to go for my birthday.  I asked both sides of the family to go out to dinner with me, and then to go out after.  I *want* to celebrate my birthday this year, and damn it to hell, I want to have fun.

I have got to take care of myself too, I have to stop neglecting my wants, and my families wants as well.  Work/Friends/Coworkers/House/Etc is all important, but there is no reason all of that should come first all of the time.  So my goal for this year, is to make more of my time.  To enjoy myself and my family instead of putting all that I look forward to on the backburner.  Wish me luck.

The things I hate about you… and by you I mean Crohns.

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I feel a bit blah today.  I know why too, and I hate it.  Just like I did last time.  Prednisone.  The oh so wonderful steroid that helps so many of us Crohnies, kicks my ass.  Yes, it helps with the fistula and it helps push my disease closer to remission, but good god do the side effects suck.

I’m not sure what it is about this time, but the side effects have popped up in half the amount of time.  I’ve only been on a heavy dose of steroids for just over a week and I feel like I did three weeks into steroids last time.  My body aches, my joints sting, and my skin hurts, especially around my face and shoulders.  My brain is foggy too, which was a huge complaint of mine last time around.

The point of taking steroids this time is to get my body healthy enough for surgery, which I’m willing to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about it.  I feel hung over, even if I haven’t had a drink in longer than I can remember.  I feel blah.

It definitely doesn’t help that this week was very busy, especially the last half of the week.  We had two girls out, and I have been playing catch up on top of it after missing days for my hospital stay last week.  Combined with the extra hours I picked up to help out and these stupid drugs I’m on, I’m exhausted.

I got a lot done this week.  I feel like I’m caught up at work for the most part, and the house doesn’t look too shabby.  Bills are paid and errands have been run.  This week was hell, just like last week was, but at least it was productive.  This weekend looks much better though.  Ryan is going to be working a short day tomorrow, so that means lounging around the house until he gets off of work and then relaxing for the rest of the weekend, until my drive to clean and organize steps in anyway.

As always though, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, as I always do when I get sick.  It seems like when you’re down and out with your health, your true support network shows through.  As always, I am reminded how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life, and how happy they make me.

I’m lucky to have a job that I love and that accommodates me with my odd health schedule.  I may want to torch the place half the time, and bury my coworkers in the back building, but hey, who doesn’t?  I’m lucky to have coworkers who give a shit about how I feel and my overall health… even people I don’t work closely with every day have shown concern.  From truck drivers to stores, every day someone new pops up and asks how I’m feeling and how I’m doing back at work.

Of course I’m extremely lucky to have my parents.  My dad took Noodle for a couple of nights while I was in the hospital last week and spoiled her.  My sister apparently took her to the zoo, but I wouldn’t know first hand, I heard from my Dad.  I’m glad that I have such a lovely family who looks out for my kiddo and takes care of her so I can rest and heal.  My friends have played a huge role, from my “cafe-mom” friends to Katie and Ingrid (Girls I grew up with).  My neighbors even brought over a meal when I got home and have cut me some slack for my crap-mood.  Yet again, I’m reminded that family is not just blood.  Some times people who aren’t even related to you, step up more than blood does.

I am more than grateful for Ryan too.  When we first got together, I was concerned about how he’d react to my Crohns Disease.  I mean it sucks, some days I hurt too much to eat, or am feeling run down enough to just want to lay in bed.  (Granted, I’m still more active than half the people I know haha).  I worried what he’d think about my having to get Remicade Infusions, or when I’d end up in the hospital again (we actually started dating right after my last obstruction ~ cute note ~ he had offered to bring me a bag of books while I was in the hospital, it’s what peaked my interest to begin with. :)).  I was concerned that he wouldn’t be happy with a girl who was sick, and who will be sick until there is a cure found.

At this point though, I’m extremely glad I met him.  He has been by my side every step of the way.   He comes to damn near every doctor’s appointment, and has only missed one infusion (due to work).  He spoils me when I feel sick, and picks up the slack when I’m down.  When I realized it was time to go to the hospital, he came with, helped me with Noodle (ie: getting my Dad to come get her, packed up her and my stuff, and took care of her for the first 8 hours we were there.)  He listened to me bawl because of the pain, then again because of the heavy drugs (I don’t know, I’m a crier on pain meds).  He listened to the pros and cons brought to us by the surgeons, and he met my doctors.

Most importantly, he sat there and held my hand, only leaving when I made him.  I don’t know what I was so worried about.  Crohns Disease hasn’t made me a worse girlfriend, just like with being a mother, it just made me a little more unique.  Luckily for me, I found a man who loves me for who I am, even if my body is a bit off.  It’s nice to know that I am not going through this alone, that Noodle is not going through this alone.  Not only do we have the support of our family and friends but Ryan.  We’re very lucky.

So worn down I feel today, but all in all I’m not in a horrible mood.  I’m am looking forward to spending time with my kid and the boyfriend this weekend, and just enjoying snuggling in in the morning.  My Crohns may be kicking my ass right now, but that’s not going to stop me from baking cookies with the kid, having a sci-fi marathon with the boyfriend, and enjoying my weekend.  So for now, I’m going to drink this last bit of coffee and wait for dinner to finish.  It smells awesome, and I’m sure since Noodle and Ryan cooked it, I’ll eat every bite.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys this first couple of days with the Autumn chill and rain.  Happy Friday.