I was going to start off this blog in a general, all encompassing way. I was going to include everyone with a chronic illness in this post. However, I don’t know what’s in everyone’s head. Frankly, after trying to start writing the first few sentences, and deleting them about 5 times, I give up.
This entry is my thoughts. Purely me.
As some of you know, I’ve been having some problems lately. My heart isn’t acting up nearly as much as it had been, but when it does, it’s traumatic. My Crohn’s has been active too, with all the normal symptoms. From urgency, to extreme joint pain, and with today’s newest symptom, mouth ulcers.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, which of course has been effecting my mood. It’s been hard to keep myself out of a rut. With the debilitating fatigue, it makes it all the more easy to just stay in bed.. why fight my body and depression. Of course, my anxiety is high as well. With missing the odd day almost 4 times a month, my bank account is hurting.. and with Christmas coming up, that’s scary.
To top that off, I found out my FMLA expired, and having never been on FMLA before, I didn’t know I was responsible for keeping track of when it expires. I figured that my company would notify me. Unfortunately that was not the case, and I randomly followed up on it and found it was expired. So there’s nothing better for anxiety than being in immense pain, living in the bathroom, and stressing about money.. than also having to worry about missing a day and losing your job because of it. Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with my chronic illness manager to renew my paperwork at the end of this next week. Still, it’s just one more thing I didn’t want to deal with.. talk about trying to choke back tears at work.
Anyways, what I’m getting at is, I’m at my.. wits end? It’s been very stressful, and I’ve been stuffing it in the back of my head, hoping for a better day, but I think it’s appropriate that I put this on paper/or in this case my blog, since it is Crohns and Colitis Awareness Week. This is one of the many facets of living with Crohns.. so why not share it?
So without giving away too much information about someone… well that’s not me.. a guy I know has a throat condition. He has a procedure scheduled coming up that will relieve some of the symptoms. Essentially a chance at pseudo-normalcy. Which is great, by all means, all of us with any kind of chronic condition deserve a break. It got me thinking though. Thoughts started tumbling through my head rather quickly. Admittedly I lost a lot of them because I didn’t think to write them down right away, but such is life.
I really don’t remember what “normal” is like anymore. I’ve been sick now, for almost 10 years. For a long time I struggled with the fact that the life I knew was gone. It took a long time to come to terms with it, honestly, it was mostly because as time went on, I started to forget what it was like.
In the years I’ve been sick, I’ve never achieved remission. Sure, I’ve had a group of months here or there that were “good” [Sidenote: not to be an ass, but “good” for most people with a chronic condition would send a healthy person running for the ER.] but I haven’t had a pain-free day, or a day without any symptoms.. period.
Thinking about normalcy almost.. almost upset me. It dug up some old feelings I’ve been avoiding for a while. Yet, I can thankfully remind myself of what I’ve gained from Crohns Disease as well as Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. I may have lost my old life, and I may not have much of a chance at normalcy any time soon, but I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be who I am today, if I hadn’t been through what I have.
Through the last decade, I’ve learned to appreciate the “good” days, as well as the little things. I don’t know if I’d have appreciated a good cup of tea or a surprise phone call from a friend if I hadn’t been in a place where I felt like I had no one, and couldn’t even stomach water. I really doubt I’d appreciate the first warm spring day as much as if I hadn’t watched one from the other side of sealed hospital window.
Like tonight, I wouldn’t appreciate sitting on the couch with my boyfriend, watching stupid scifi shows.. if I hadn’t been completely alone and scared before.
So I guess the point of all of my rambling tonight, is that we, or I may not have “normal”. Even without normal though, there are good things. Good moments, good people, and memories to be made. Life isn’t over, life is just different. It may not be all fun and happiness, I’ll have bad days, but it’s important to remember that that’s not all there is.
In honor of Crohns and Colitis Week, today, I am going to embrace the good I do have. Things may not be normal, I may not have the life I used to have, but I do have life.