Frustration and Insomnia


These past couple of days have been really frustrating for me, to the point where it’s keeping me up at night.  I haven’t had insomnia in years and quite frankly, I’m not too happy to be reunited with this old “friend”.  Everything has just been so incredibly hectic lately, both at work and with my family.

One of my family members is in hospice right now, and while we’re not super close, it has hit me pretty hard.  Not just because I’ll miss him, but because it’s reminding me of my mother.  Saying goodbye on Friday was painful, not just because of the impending loss of life, but because I know the pain his direct family will feel.  I remember it from when I was a kid.  Watching him in his bed brought up a lot of memories I didn’t really want to remember.  I’ve been trying to drown out those memories with great memories of him.  My favorite was the summer we spent at his house (my mother had passed and my dad had to work).  We’d get dropped off in the morning and picked up at night.  I remember sitting on the porch, watching him mess with the guitar.  I thought he was so cool, I even bought him (a really girly haha) earring because he was the only guy in my family who had his ear pierced, and sure as shit he put it in and rocked it.  I’m trying to remember that, and that’s how I will remember him, not ridden with cancer.  Yeah, I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole situation and battling the memories of my mom being sick and worrying about his family.  I’m just.. yeah.  Out of words.

Work has been… well… work.  It goes through waves, it gets really hectic and we get behind, and then it gets better and we’re on top again.  The stress from that on top of my family issues and my (3 week) cold has just really got me down.  I was reminded how much I appreciate my “work family” though on Friday.  One of our CSRs called off (despite it being hell week) on Thursday and had already planned on being off Friday through Monday, so on top of it being super hectic, I had to do her job as well.  On Friday, I was just having a super hard time (mostly getting my brain prepared to go to hospice that evening) and, for lack of better terms, I was a hot mess.  My coworkers did their best to help me out and let me know that they understand.  Small favors with the literal work, and dealing with my moodiness and rapid breaks.  On my drive down to hospice I realized (yet again) how grateful I am for the people I work with.  Sure, we all get on each others nerves and we’ve had our bumps in the road, but every last one of them has proven time and time again that they’re just a different extension of my family.

Today I’ve calmed down a bit.  Caught up on some work I left behind Friday afternoon ( I left early to beat rush hour to get to hospice ), went shopping with the boyfriend and kid and relaxed.  Tomorrow I’m going to take the monkey kid bowling, she’s been asking to go for quite a while now.  I think some hang out time with her will definitely cheer me up.

I just have to remember to keep my chin up.




To start this off, let me just say that I don’t have high standards for most people.  Or rather, I don’t have hope for most people.  When I meet you, you start at level 0.  Only through your actions do you earn respect and raise the bar I’ve automatically set for you.  Maybe that’s not very nice, and let me think about it…. fuck you.

That’s just the way I am, always have been.  Call me a bitch, I don’t care, it’s worked out well for me.  The benefit of it is that when I put myself out there, I am barely ever wrong, and I rarely regret it.  If I consider you my friend, chances are that I’m not going anywhere and will sell my 2nd kidney for you.

So on that note, as most of you have read, I was given a promotion at work.  The position I used to have opened up and my boss scheduled a few interviews.  I thought of a couple of people and made up a good case in my head for why those people would make a good fit.  A few times I thought of this kid who works in our shop.  Let’s call him youngin’, why?  Because it’s not nice to talk about people on the web and frankly I think I just figured out his real name today, I’ve been calling him youngin’ and princess since he started.

This kid started as a temp in our shop.  When he came in for his interview, I laughed at him because he showed up in a nice button up shirt and slacks… for a job in the shop… where he’d be covered in dust, sludge and dirt.  When he was hired, I thanked my boss because he was far less creepy than the last one but I figured he wouldn’t be around long.

Well youngin’s first impression of me was me screaming at a co-worker, as I do most mornings, out in the shop.  The fact that he decided to smoke a cigarette with me a few days later blew my mind, but whatever.  I had asked him how he liked the job so far, and his response shocked me.  I knew he was young (just 21) and frankly, the bar was set low.  He stated that he liked the job just fine but was worried about the layoff after the holiday, that he really wanted to be hired on.

Not many kids, or rather teens and young adults really want to work.  Not around this county, a lot of them don’t have too, which cool, good for them.  So that he was already worried about the inevitable layoff, (we slow down after Christmas) instantly gave him respect.

I kind of brushed it off beyond a few remarks to one of my bosses about hiring him on full-time.  You know, one because the kid impressed me, and two, I like being annoying at 8 o’clock in the morning.  Then a couple of weeks ago, kid came in and asked me and my co-worker if we had a brochure so he could memorize all of our quartz colors.  I think we both stared at him for a minute before we started to look.  Maybe this proves my laziness (or the fact that I’m “the granite-girl” or just hate quartz), but I’ve been there for a year and half and couldn’t point out two colors in the scores we have.  Nor do I care too.  This kid was a temp, yet he still wanted to put in the time to memorize a shit-ton of colors.  Bam.  Respect earned.

So I brought up the kid to my other coworkers.  Why not give him the clerk job?  There are many, many benefits to hiring him, which I’m not going to list right now.  Lets just say he’s far more useful than my constant screaming and bitching in the shop.  My co-workers agreed, so we brought it to the bossman.  After an interview that me and a coworker gleefully interrupted and criticized and a couple of days to think, Youngin’ got the job.  He starts on Monday.

So, tomorrow is Saturday.  I’m typically off on the weekends but I’m going to head into the office anyway. I have some work to catch up on, and I have to finish organizing my new office.  That, and my old (awesome granite) desk is a mess.  I was telling Ry that I wanted to take some time and clean it up and set up the new computer for Youngin’, that some of the files that are now his needed organizing.  Ry asked why I cared so much and it got me thinking of all of this.

I’m just impressed.  I mean, the kid seems like a really hard worker even if he’s not the best at all the jobs in the shop.  He wants to learn, he wants to support himself and do well.  He’s making efforts that I didn’t even think of.. um.. ever.  I want the kid to do well, and I hope he does.  I mean hell, I could be completely wrong, he could suck hairy nuts in the office, and I’ll eat my words.  But you know he earned my respect (for now) and I have no problem helping him learn or sticking my neck out for him.

I guess what I’m getting at is my way of thinking, or rather judging people.  I’m sure it’s the reason I have so few real friends, but I’m okay with that.  Just knowing kid has gotten the chance at this job, and could possibly thrive at it and support his own youngin’ (hey.. maybe I’m just relating to him because of the young-parent thing… shut up I used to be a “too young for kids” parent) makes me happy.


Now hopefully us girls don’t completely obliterate him.