The Importance of Feeling.

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Feelings. Sure, I claim that I don’t have any, or that I have just one left. However, they are there. For me, I stuff my emotions deep down inside and rarely let them out. I’ve built up my walls so high to keep everyone out that the only way I can keep from exploding is through writing (unless I have writer’s block.. then it’s all downhill from there).

Unfortunately for a lot of us in life, we get hurt after sharing what’s inside of us with others. So walls get built, and walls get reinforced as we get older. I’ve had a rough couple of decades, so my walls I built are basically impenetrable. It’s been a major issue in past relationships. I have such a hard time communicating, but it seemed as though as soon as I’d let some real emotion out, it would come back to haunt me.

So I try and pour all of that rough unbridled emotion into pages of a journal. Or if I need to express myself and I didn’t see a way around it, a letter directly to someone. It always seems to help to let the words flow through my fingers and get it all out. However, it’s not as good as just telling someone.

There’s a different feeling there, being able to tell someone that something hurt you, or that something scared you. Being able to just spill it all out. It’s refreshing to let people see that you’re not “the strongest woman” (or man) that they know.

I was at my breaking point yesterday. I was in immense pain, from pretty much all of my joints as well as my chest and stomach (IST and IBD). The pain was so horrible I was having a hard time keeping the tears back in front of my daughter. Then to pile on the financial stress (because I’ve been so sick lately, I’ve missed work under FMLA. Daycare is very expensive even if I work overtime, so missing work put me in the situation of paying the mortgage vs daycare, food vs. daycare, Christmas presents vs daycare. So after 2 months, it’s up over $1000, and frankly I don’t see a good way to fix it) it just broke me.

I went home and holed up in my room with the intention of writing in my journal. Which I did, I wrote page after page after page. Yet, no matter how much I spilled onto paper, I didn’t feel any better. The pain obviously doesn’t go away with writing, but I was hoping if I could get rid of the turmoil and stress snowballing in my head, I might be able to handle the physical pain.

Then Jon came in. He had visited me on lunch, and I had basically hopped out of the car because I thought I was going to cry. He came in the bedroom, and gave me a hug and I just lost it. I don’t know if it was because I was in physical pain, or what, but it all just came pouring out of my mouth. Everything, with tears and all. Over the course of 20 minutes, all my demons roared out and I just let it go.

After a little while, I felt better emotionally, and was able to deal with the physical pain. We didn’t find a solution, and I still don’t know what I am going to do to catch up on my daycare bill, but I have ideas to cut the costs in the future. Either way, I was able to tell someone else what was bothering me/scaring me (losing my daycare.. losing my job) and I felt a lot better afterwards. I was able to talk for a while, and then take some pain pills and get a little sleep.

That was a good first for me. I don’t open up to anyone, usually. It’s something I’ll need to work on in the future. I don’t want to muck up this relationship with my communication issues, so I’m really going to try. Either way, knowing that not everything is on your shoulders, that you’re not the only one carrying the weight is a feeling I want to feel again. I’m just glad I have a partner willing to help me take on the world.

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Proverbial Line in the Sand

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I’ve been bitching about this quite a bit lately, both here and on Facebook and Twitter.  At first I thought maybe I was overreacting, I tend to have super high expectations for everyone and maybe it was just that… but I don’t think so anymore.

Work.  Work is now my own personal hell.  I’ve been there for 2.5 years now, and I used to love my job.  Well, I still do… but I hate what it’s becoming.  I love the countertop business, I do, I love working in this field and even better, I love running the install routes.  I love the guys I work with and the chicks ain’t too bad either.  (Insert horrible lesbian work joke here) Things have been slowly changing over the last couple of months, and in the last couple of weeks, it’s been rapidly changing.

Skipping over all of the drab parts, we hired a new “install manager”.  I title that I believe, each and every day a little bit more, belongs to me.  Almost immediately he lost my vote because he snapped on a customer way beyond what I deem as acceptable for customer service, but I vowed to give him a chance to benefit my new general manager.  As time has gone on, I’ve covered for him with the installers, service calls, and multiple other issues… all with the hope that it really was a “training issue”.  I’m pretty much past that now.  It’s a customer service issue, he’s not cut out for it.  He’s not cut out for management either.  It’s been exceedingly harder, each day, to watch him struggle through, and make wrong decisions.  It’s harder yet knowing that the main reason he was hired was taken away from him because he was “overworked”…. that duty he lost?  It was the reason I decided not to go for the position.  So yeah.  There’s that.  (However, I never thought the position should include that to begin with – hence my not applying.)

Whatever.  I promised myself, as well as someone else that I would hold my tongue and give him a chance.. and you know what?  It’s not worth it.  I give up.

So today, there were a lot of install issues.  The schedule for tomorrow got really messed up (by no doing of my own), a problem customer did not get installed today like she was scheduled to and it was near impossible to figure it out due to another top not being ready and two installers refusing to work and run errands (which I agree with).

Whatever.  The whole time this is going on, I’m trying to get the “install manager” who is there to handle “install issues” to handle it.  Every call I’m forwarding to him and letting him handle.  Him and my other manager were working on it, as I tried to plow through my job.

I was determined to have a good day, which I did mostly until all of that started.  I was dead set that I would take a lunch AND leave on time.  It was about time I started focusing on my job, (not other positions) and enjoying life again.  Plus, my daughter’s school had a bake sale today, and Noodle had been talking about it all week.  I made sure I had cash on me because she wanted to “buy” me chocolate covered strawberries and a rice krispy treat for herself.  Our whole gameplan was to get sweets, and then spend the late afternoon in the sprinkler.

So while I’m trying to figure out where some T1 lines run for some random survey guy, my “install manager” walks up with a list of the problem customers for tomorrow, and says “I wrote everything on there, they just need to be moved”, he wanted to leave because he wanted to spend time with his teenage daughter.

I didn’t even think to look at it, I should have.

I went back to my desk after getting rid of the survey guy and finished my paperwork.  I clicked open my scheduler and looked at his paper.  He didn’t contact a single customer, figure out where to move the jobs or who should take them.

He left it to me.  15 minutes before I have to leave.  I called my gen manager and asked what to do and she asked me to stay until she got there.  Well, apparently it was until after she left too.  She thankfully moved the schedule and left a message for the problem customer, so all that was left was the paperwork.  At this point, I’m already supposed to be out the door, but she has to leave… so what choice do I have?  I can’t find any of the drawings and had to print and redo the paperwork again.

I get out of work, finally, half an hour late.  I had already lost hope at that point, the bake sale only went until 5.  I lost hope, in reality as soon as I realized what the “install manager” had left me.

I got to my daughter’s school, and make it in the door to be jumped on my my kid.  Apparently there was one rice krispy treat left, and she wanted it.  Her teacher went on to say that she had paced up and forth up front waiting for me since four… she wanted to make sure I got there before they ran out.  She paced… for an hour and a half.

Call me sappy, but that broke my heart.

On the way back to the house I allowed myself to think about it.  I let myself get mad.  My “install manager” who gets paid salary to handle “install issues” bailed on me leaving me the work.  As my coworker put so bluntly “where’s your supervisor… isn’t this *hiiiiis* job?”  He has an issued phone, if he had to go home so badly, work from home.  That’s why you’re paid salary.

But no.  He wanted to spend time with his teenager, so he left me with the work while my 6 year old is on her 11th hour in daycare waiting for me.  He bailed on HIS JOB and left me with the work while my kid paced.  What about me?  What about my kids?  I may not work much overtime anymore, but I work a hell of alot longer than he does.  So while he does whatever it is he does that magically takes up 8 hours… making more cash than me, I bust my ass.  Just to get his work load dumped on me.  So even though he could have worked from home, or stayed the extra 45 minutes, you know…salary… he bailed.  And I got stuck doing his work again…. and my kid got stuck at daycare… again.

I came home in tears.  I have finally had it.  I broke down and talked everything over with Ryan.  I told him how I got defensive about my installers when the “install manager” spent 15 minutes bashing one of them even though the installer just followed our general managers order.  I told him how I was glad I took a full lunch, and even went out to eat, because I deserved it.  I told him all of the shit he’s been listening to for weeks now.  I told him how my kid paced, and I told him how it broke my heart that I missed her bake sale.

It seems like I’m not the only one who has hit the breaking point.  Ryan has always backed me up in whatever I wanted to do.  He listens, lets me talk it out and endure.  Now?  He wants me to quit.  I didn’t know what to say, because I do love my actual job, but he went on.  He made some points I couldn’t argue with, beyond the fact that I’m being walked on.  He is dead set that I should’ve walked off and never came back after the “install manager” left today.

I think it was honestly seeing me so upset over my daughter.  It’s really got me thinking.  I’ve voiced my concern about everything, not just my install manager, several times now.  I’ve talked to *everyone* I work with, so far every. single. fucking. coworker. agrees with me.  I know I’m not in the wrong.  It just doesn’t look like things are going to change.  I don’t think the “install manager” is being an ass intentionally, I just think he is completely wrong for customer service as well as for management… and I honestly don’t think it’s going to change.

So I have a job I used to love on one hand, but I have a man I love telling me to quit and find something else… it’s not like we don’t have his job to fall back on.  He doesn’t want to see me miserable… and quite frankly all of this shit doesn’t seem worth missing the summer with my daughter.

 

 

I don’t know.  This is going to be a good weekend we have lots of stuff planned, and I have some downtime as well to figure out what *I* really want to do.. and what I think is the right decision.

 

All I know, is that this shit is ridiculous… and if I do decide to stay, I’m not handling it anymore.  I’m there to thrive at my job, to take care of the installers, and the keep the customers happy.  I’m there to make sure the shop has enough sqft, and to make sure I do my job right.  I’m not there to pick up the endless slack, I’m not there to get shit dumped on at the expense of my kid, at the expense of my job preformance.  I’m not there to watch someone make more than me, just to suck at doing his job.

 

When I suck?  I get in trouble.  When he sucks?  He gets a lighter workload.

 

 

Calm the FUCK down, even though it’s hard.

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I’m practically ready to turn off the news permanently lately.  There have been so many shootings, both at schools and on city streets, that it makes me edgy.  Horrible things keep happening and in the middle of it all there is the gun-debate.  Even more importantly (at least to me) N. Korea is boasting about attacks against us.  The world is currently a shitty place, but unfortunately for us, I believe it’s only slightly more shitty than it used to be.  We just happen to have the internet and such so we are aware of almost everything.

Am I scared?  For myself?  Kind of.  For my child?  As a parent?  Oh HELL yes.  The year before last, the local PD closed down the road right outside of my daughters school looking for an armed fugitive.  I’ve had those panic stricken thoughts and anxiety.  Each and every single time a new news story hits the networks, I cringe and hope, no PRAY that it’s not anywhere close to my munchkin.  So far each and every time I hear of something horrible that happens, I sigh in relief that my child is safe, then I feel horrible to those parents out there who just lost a child.

However, this is our world.  Our country.  Despite all the horrible shit that is going on, we still aren’t as bad as some countries are right now.  Because shootings are rampant (or at least seem rampant) doesn’t mean we should try and shelter our children from everything.  I understand that it’s scary, I do, but keeping our children out of school or away from after school activities, sleep overs ect does nothing but keep them from what makes life worth it.  I’m right there with you, I don’t let ANYONE I don’t know around my daughter, and I keep up on what happens at her school and the schools she will be going to.  She isn’t allowed on sleep-overs unless I personally know and trust the other set of parents, and I willingly meet other parents so they feel comfortable letting me watch over their little ones.

In order to survive letting our kids out into the world, we have to trust in other people and we have to have faith and hope nothing happens.  To keep our kids from living or even thriving is wrong, instead we should be letting them enjoy their world yet teaching them how to be safe.  Stranger danger, inappropriate touching, and what to do if (god-forbid) something happens at their school.  We have to be prepared but I honestly do believe that sheltering our kids to an extreme point is more harmful than anything.

More importantly, what’s going on isn’t really about us.  It’s about our children’s safety.  We all know it’s hard, and we all know each other is scared.  It’s not about us.  What has me irritated today, is that a fellow mom I know has been weeping on facebook about how she doesn’t want to let her kids out of the house, she doesn’t let them play outside or on play dates, she’s thinking of switching to home school (more power to home-schoolers, I have no problem with it, but if the motivation is only to save yourself anxiety then you might want to re-evaluate).  It scares me, and it irritates me.  It’s become less about her children’s safety and quality of life and more about how hard it is on HER.  The support we all have given her in choices in schools, helpful babysitters and recommendations for her kid’s sports in environments the rest of us trust have gotten us no where but ridicule.  We’re the horrible ones for wanting our children to continue on in their schedules and lives.  We’re the horrible moms and dads who trust *gasp* strangers (public schools/private schools) with our children’s safety.  It’s become all about her.  The tragedies of late have turned into an online whinefest about how uncomfortable *she* is.

I get it.  Like I said, I do.  However, after a couple of weeks it seems more selfish than for her children.  So this is my plea to the public, to the other moms and dads out there.  We live in a world where there ARE bad people.  Instead of running from the horrible things we can’t seem to prevent (even though we try), we should try to make life more safer.  We should educate our children, we should make wise choices.  We should do our best to make the world better instead of more lonely.  Just my thoughts, I apologize if I upset anyone, but the state of everything our instincts to hide our children from the world make it hard.  I think we can do better.