Organization & Cleaning: Anxiety and Depression Edition

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Just want to start this one off with the fact that my pupper just got a bath, and she’s currently sitting in front of me trying to lick the “clean” off of her. Ha. 

When it comes to my depression, I’m pretty stereotypical I think. If I’m really down in the dumps, the LAST thing I want to do is clean up my house. I can barely manage to get my “bare minimum chores” done, much less any of the larger projects I have on my list. Everything just seems so daunting to undertake, even the smallest projects seem like mountains of crap to me.

So when depression strikes, I’ll spend my day avoiding any kind of major cleaning and organizing only to berate myself for “not doing enough” when I’m laying in bed unable to sleep at night. The silly part is, is that I KNOW that this is a typical symptom of depression, and I know depression is an illness just like any other. Yet, I still beat myself up at night for it.

Now my anxiety? That’s a whole different mutt. One of my biggest triggers for my anxiety & panic disorder is clutter. I can wake up in a wonderfully relaxed and happy mood, and if my kitchen counters are cluttered and there’s a mountain of dishes in the sink (I’m literally staring at my boyfriend as I type this) then my heart starts to race and I start to feel the all too familiar fingers of anxiety combing through my brain.

My anxiety is a bit strange, some therapists have suggested that it might be tied into OCD like some of my family members. However, beyond the original diagnosis of Anxiety and a Panic Disorder, I’ve never bothered to get more. It has to do with control for me, I can even pull up memories of dealing with it more than a decade ago when I first started driving. (I got my license late.. as I could walk to work.) I remember getting extraordinarily anxious in my car while sitting in traffic, heading to work. I was driving this POS Mazda at the time, which I loved, but since I had been working two jobs it had gotten dirty and cluttered. I remember setting down my coffee mug by the stick shift, glancing at the floor of the passenger seat and feeling overwhelmed and not safe. 

Now mind you, this car oddly enough brought me a sense of peace.. with the exception of when it blew up in a target parking lot, complete with black smoke. My dad drove an old beat up Mazda to work when I was a kid. It smelled like oil since he was a mechanic and well, it leaked oil. It was a manual (which I remember since us kids fought over who had to sit in the middle on the bench seat), just like mine. I had even found this wide bottomed, ceramic mug that my dad had back in the late 80’s, early 90’s at the thrift store. This stupid piece of shit car reminded me of my dad and my childhood, and in the early throws of adulthood, surrounded by poverty, I needed that feeling of calm.

So I looked down at the passenger seat floor and I could feel the panic rising. I never worried about my safety, not even when the radiator blew in the middle of the road. I didn’t even have air bags, and got in a fender bender, but I still felt safe. Yet, when I looked at all the TRASH and CLUTTER on the floor of that car, I felt like if I didn’t clean it up, something TERRIBLE would happen. I just knew it.

That feeling is still around. If my floor is dirty, or my books overflow the bookshelf (which happens more than I’d like to admit) I get overwhelmed. Instantly. The boyfriend is pretty used to this now as he’s seen me have full blown panic attacks because the kitchen table is covered in papers, or my side table is too cluttered. Once my day heads down that path, it’s very rarely recoverable.. at least not to a normal state. Back when I still worked, I would feel the urge to turn my car around and go home because I was SURE I had left the doors unlocked and that someone would break it. I would triple check that the windows were shut, except for one (because fire: cats need to get out) before I left, but feel like I had to drive back and check. Then when I’d get to work, on lunch, I’d start feeling anxious if I didn’t organize my desk, or my purse, or vacuum out the Rav4 on lunch. It’s a downhill battle that I didn’t have a chance of winning, even with the help of Ativan.

So in order to keep my anxiety under control, I make sure to stay on top of my chores. It’s not any worse than anyone else’s cleaning. I just do the dishes before bed, wipe down counters. If I see trash that needs to go out, I do it. Cat litter boxes get changed every other day. I enlist Jon to help, or make sure Noodle does her chores (although her mountain of dirty laundry in her closet never seems to get smaller hah).

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

What happens when you have anxiety AND depression. You turn into a hot mess is what happens. Your depression makes sure you lack the motivation to get your chores done. Your anxiety ramps up because you have too much to do. From there it’s just an endless cycle, all the way up until you have a good day, and clean up and tackle the the projects you need to.

It’s definitely tough. Even tougher now that the kid is a preteen. Clutter seems to just follow her around. (A lot of you can relate the the hair ties, clothes and shoes everywhere!) Yet in her pre-teen hormonal angst, she’s a lot less likely to clean up versus a toddler offered a cookie if they pick up their toys. Alas, she even knows the look on my face, right before I lose my cool, and quickly picks up her crap and shuttles it into her room. Haha.

I was just reminded of my anxiety-depression conundrum while I was tackling some cleaning and organizing earlier today. I’m coming off of a down swing with the depression, so I had some projects to take care of (I’m looking at you linen closet (wait, am I finally an adult because I have a linen closet??)) and it just felt nice to clean out parts of the house. So I figured I’d write about it, because we all know that talking about it, educates people. Dealing with anxiety and depression is easier than it used to be, but there’s still a lot of stigma attached to it, so the more information that’s out there, the better.

Plus, I’m really happy to have a lot of “good days” as of late.

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Winter – Depression & Crohns rear their Collective Heads

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Winter has always been rough for me. My depression and anxiety tend to get worse, usually from late December until spring. Usually my Crohns Disease acts up (my anxiety levels up my symptoms) as well. However, I tend to look at it like this: There’s no better time to be sick and depressed than winter. Why? Because fuck the cold and snow, that’s why.

It’s not big deal though, although I hope my (few) friends understand why I’ve been so distant lately. Sometimes it is just hard to push through the brain fog. So for now, I’ll remain cuddled up on my couch with my books and Reddit.

Life other than all of that is alright.

The kid is doing fantastic, she’s not the biggest fan of school this year, but she’s doing great. She’s got one hell of a personality now, she’s like my little punk rocker. She’s super open minded and accepting of others, and thanks to the current political climate has a firm dislike of racists and nazi-scum. She asked me to give her an undercut the other day, so now she has the underside of her ponytail buzzed and the bottom 4″ of her hair is sea green/blue. She is definitely something else, and despite the daily video calls with her other little gremlin friends, I am indefinitely proud of her.

The boyfriend has been job hopping. Trying to find one that is a good fit for him, might as well take advantage of the interviews and look for a great position and company to work for. Things are going great with us, so nothing new there.

Our Animal House has been good too. Vader (our neighbor’s old cat) has settled into the house fantastically. Smudge is still not too fond of him, but they get along. I do have to say that I love Vader dearly. He is such a sweetheart, I couldn’t ever imagine losing him even though he hasn’t been here nearly as long as Smudge or Thumbs.

Things calmed down with Jon’s ex. That’s something I’m glad is basically over. She had denied him visitation over the summer (I guess she got angry that we questioned her parenting choices and called her bluff on abandoning her daughter at our house). So we took her to court, and her lawyers basically told her to go kick rocks and give us our visitation, do half the driving and let Jon in on all decisions. Unfortunately Jon is still stuck paying for the son that is not biologically his (Ex cheated on him, got pregnant, tried to pin it on Jon) as Pennsylvania will not cancel child support, despite paternity unless another man takes his place. Unfortunately they do not require her to work, so she’s still living off of CS & Welfare. Alas. Just like with my daughters dad NOT paying child support, EVER.. we are completely okay with the kids knowing who does what for them, and seeing us as examples. Neither of us will bad mouth our exes in front of our children, but we also don’t lie.

As for me? I’m still on hiatus from work. I’ve interviewed with a few places over the phone, and turned down several in person interviews. I’m not sure what my plan is for right now, but our situation works for us and I’m enjoying finally being able to spend (forced) time with the kiddo even if she’s at the age where she’s not so keen on it. Ha.

As the months drag on, I still do not regret quitting my last job. I’m reminded almost daily by Timehop showing me the posts about how miserable I was from the last 8 years. I may have my normal depression and anxiety, but I am no longer having daily anxiety attacks about going into that toxic environment. I hear from old coworkers and work contacts every once in a while, and it seems like it hasn’t gotten much better beyond a crackdown. All I can say there folks is I learned a life lesson, one that I’ve drilled into Jon (as he walked from one recently in order to take another higher position) and one that I’m teaching my daughter. Work is work, don’t let them destroy you and your health, because at the end of the day, you are expendable. No job is worth being miserable. Not even one you devoted the better part of your 20’s and early 30’s to it.

So beyond all that rambling, hey. At least I’m writing again. I have been slowly working myself into writing again. Even if it’s just free writing a few sentences a day. I’ve just got to get into the habit. Writing is the easiest way to clear my mind and lift my mood.

On that note. I’m off to eat some chocolate and cuddle with the pupper.

Normalcy.

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I was going to start off this blog in a general, all encompassing way. I was going to include everyone with a chronic illness in this post. However, I don’t know what’s in everyone’s head. Frankly, after trying to start writing the first few sentences, and deleting them about 5 times, I give up.

This entry is my thoughts. Purely me.

As some of you know, I’ve been having some problems lately. My heart isn’t acting up nearly as much as it had been, but when it does, it’s traumatic. My Crohn’s has been active too, with all the normal symptoms. From urgency, to extreme joint pain, and with today’s newest symptom, mouth ulcers.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, which of course has been effecting my mood. It’s been hard to keep myself out of a rut. With the debilitating fatigue, it makes it all the more easy to just stay in bed.. why fight my body and depression. Of course, my anxiety is high as well. With missing the odd day almost 4 times a month, my bank account is hurting.. and with Christmas coming up, that’s scary.

To top that off, I found out my FMLA expired, and having never been on FMLA before, I didn’t know I was responsible for keeping track of when it expires. I figured that my company would notify me. Unfortunately that was not the case, and I randomly followed up on it and found it was expired. So there’s nothing better for anxiety than being in immense pain, living in the bathroom, and stressing about money.. than also having to worry about missing a day and losing your job because of it. Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with my chronic illness manager to renew my paperwork at the end of this next week. Still, it’s just one more thing I didn’t want to deal with.. talk about trying to choke back tears at work.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is, I’m at my.. wits end? It’s been very stressful, and I’ve been stuffing it in the back of my head, hoping for a better day, but I think it’s appropriate that I put this on paper/or in this case my blog, since it is Crohns and Colitis Awareness Week. This is one of the many facets of living with Crohns.. so why not share it?

So without giving away too much information about someone… well that’s not me.. a guy I know has a throat condition. He has a procedure scheduled coming up that will relieve some of the symptoms. Essentially a chance at pseudo-normalcy. Which is great, by all means, all of us with any kind of chronic condition deserve a break. It got me thinking though. Thoughts started tumbling through my head rather quickly. Admittedly I lost a lot of them because I didn’t think to write them down right away, but such is life.

I really don’t remember what “normal” is like anymore. I’ve been sick now, for almost 10 years. For a long time I struggled with the fact that the life I knew was gone. It took a long time to come to terms with it, honestly, it was mostly because as time went on, I started to forget what it was like.

In the years I’ve been sick, I’ve never achieved remission. Sure, I’ve had a group of months here or there that were “good” [Sidenote: not to be an ass, but “good” for most people with a chronic condition would send a healthy person running for the ER.] but I haven’t had a pain-free day, or a day without any symptoms.. period.

Thinking about normalcy almost.. almost upset me. It dug up some old feelings I’ve been avoiding for a while. Yet, I can thankfully remind myself of what I’ve gained from Crohns Disease as well as Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. I may have lost my old life, and I may not have much of a chance at normalcy any time soon, but I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be who I am today, if I hadn’t been through what I have.

Through the last decade, I’ve learned to appreciate the “good” days, as well as the little things. I don’t know if I’d have appreciated a good cup of tea or a surprise phone call from a friend if I hadn’t been in a place where I felt like I had no one, and couldn’t even stomach water. I really doubt I’d appreciate the first warm spring day as much as if I hadn’t watched one from the other side of sealed hospital window.

Like tonight, I wouldn’t appreciate sitting on the couch with my boyfriend, watching stupid scifi shows.. if I hadn’t been completely alone and scared before.

So I guess the point of all of my rambling tonight, is that we, or I may not have “normal”. Even without normal though, there are good things. Good moments, good people, and memories to be made. Life isn’t over, life is just different. It may not be all fun and happiness, I’ll have bad days, but it’s important to remember that that’s not all there is.

 

In honor of Crohns and Colitis Week, today, I am going to embrace the good I do have. Things may not be normal, I may not have the life I used to have, but I do have life.

 

Going Down, Down, Down..

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Now where did your minds go when you read that title? Unfortunately this blog isn’t about that. It’s more or less about dealing with anxiety and depression. Yes. I have both, and yes, I see a therapist as well as take medication to try and stabilize myself. However, it’s not a perfect fix, it never is. I still have down days, things get rough for me, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide under my blanket until I feel a bit more “normal”.

Normal. That’s funny isn’t it?

I’ve always been a fairly anxious person, pretty much as far back as I can remember anyway. I remember hiding my bed as a child and worrying about something I said months prior. Nowadays, I tend to get stressed out pretty quickly, and when I do, my mind finds things to worry about.. almost obsessively. Finances, my daughter’s sports/camp, work, friends, my chores. You name it, and I’m dwelling on it. This is the main reason I started talk therapy, which really seems to help.

However, I also deal with depression. Most days I function completely normally, hell, sometimes I don’t even notice it. Then other days (usually after having a string of anxiety-filled-days) it’s like I’m in a deep hole. Honestly, that’s the best way to describe it. It’s like being stuck in a deep, dark hole, and in my case, I know it’s depression, I realize my life isn’t horrible, and I realize whatever I’m throwing around inside of my head isn’t really a life-ending-you can’t do anything right-kind of thing, but I still can’t climb out of that damn hole. It’s so hard to explain it to people. Sometimes it changes too. Sometimes it’s a pity party for one, where I’m just feeling helpless after what I’ve been through (Crohns, Abuse, Divorce, Single Parenting). Sometimes it’s a creeping helpless feeling about things I’m worried about in the future… because my brain thinks that obviously I can’t do it/take care of it.

It’s infuriating. Having both anxiety and depression feels like your brain is trying to tear you in half. “If you don’t get out of bed and start working on this, we’ll fall behind, and then we won’t make the deadline” “Wait! Why even try? You know it’ll just get screwed some how and you’ll get your hopes up for nothing.” So you lay in bed berating yourself to get up, yet telling yourself to not bother. I want to tear my hair out just thinking about it.

I guess what really matters to me, is that I get through it no matter what. I have my good days and my bad days, but I always come out standing, and I make sure that everything is good in my daughter’s little world. I know I’ll make it through, and I know I can do it. It’s just the actually process of fighting through it that gets me.

So here I am, having a rough couple of days. I know it’ll pass eventually, and my outlook will be better. For the meantime, I just wanted to post something, just in case someone else reads it and finds that they can relate.. so maybe someone else doesn’t feel quite so alone.

Caffeine Fueled Honesty

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Rebuilding self-esteem. It’s like running up hill, underwater, drunk, and if you’re unlucky, naked and with a target painted on your back. Once someone tears you down, it’s ever so hard to get back on the same playing field.. or anywhere even remotely near it. It’s like trying to quit smoking by snapping a rubber band on your wrist.

Before you realize what happened, you’re hiding bits and pieces of yourself that you’ve been taught are damaged, or annoying even. You’ll apologize for things that don’t need apologizing for. You’ll keep thoughts to yourself, because you’re so scared, almost terrified in fact, that if you let those thoughts out, you’ll scare people away.

All that’s left is this shell of a person, feeling frustrated, down, depressed, and hurt. It’s just this shell that dislikes so, so many things about itself, that it desperately wishes it could change. It wishes it could change it’s hair, it’s weight, it’s health, it’s mannerisms. It wishes it were different. Just a shell.

 

 

 

Over the last handful of years, I’ve had a hard time with myself. I “learned” that things that people once loved, were actually obnoxious, annoying and embarrassing. I had been told that I was too loud, that I should stop debating, stop arguing, and “not get so riled up about political issues”. I had it forced in my brain, that taking a down day (during a flare, or even an every day cold) was selfish. That laying on the couch was lazy, even as my insides spilled onto the floor. After a while, my brain believed it.

I embarrassed my friends and family when I became passionate about something. I picked on people too much, it was okay for people to pick on me, but fighting back was wrong. No one likes a girl who stands up for herself. That when I was sick, I inconvenienced others. That I shouldn’t complain, I should just deal with it, because it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. I learned that I made people miserable, especially on days when I couldn’t drag myself off of the couch. That I ruined my friends and family’s weekends when I didn’t want to something my body wouldn’t tolerate.

 

Time went on. I started to keep quiet. I stopped debating, I stopped arguing, I stopped discussing world events. I kept my opinions about my books, and the world around me inside my head, more and more. I withdrew. Things that I was once known for, quirks, even character flaws if you will, I started to apologize for. If I got sick, I was sorry. I was sorry for everyone who had to deal with me. If I got loud about something I cared about, I apologized and immediately felt embarrassment flush across my cheeks. I stopped teasing the people I cared about, I stopped showing my personality at home and out with friends. Oddly enough, the only people who really saw the real me, was my co-workers. I hid from everyone else. I even started hiding from myself, picking myself apart. Disliking who I had always been. I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed at not only my changed body from all of the medicines and years of disease, but I didn’t like myself anymore.

Complete honesty here folks, which I’ll admit I haven’t let on my blog for a long time. Just remembering how I used to feel.. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I felt like a shell of a human being.

 

 

Then all of a sudden, I was alone. It was just me and my beautiful daughter. My daughter who looked up to me, my daughter who has the same mannerisms, and one hell of a similar personality. If I disliked myself, did I dislike her? What was I teaching her.

One day I was out with my friends, and I made some horrible joke and someone I didn’t even know laughed. I opened up a little bit more. I started to meet people for coffee and drinks, people I’ve known for years and years, and new people. People who liked my quirks, as well as my friends in the chronic illness community. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, the old me is in there somewhere. Maybe, she’s not that bad?

 

Over the last handful of months, through the holidays and then through my heart-scare, I started focusing on myself. I started to try and re-learn to be.. well.. me. I’m not perfect, in fact, I have enough flaws to cover my entire county. However, what I’m slowly learning is that the most beautiful things are flawed. Eternally so, and that family and friends will love you despite those flaws. I’ve been working on my self-esteem, and my self-worth a lot, and in the process have been learning a lot about myself.

I’m not there yet. I’m not back, I’m still a few blocks away from the old me. I realized this, again, last night when I started apologizing for crap that had no need for a “I’m sorry”, much less an explanation. I’m still guilty of shutting my opinions up in my head. Most importantly, I’m still working on being open about being ill. I get scared that my friends will leave when I get sick again (although in reality, no one left who was worth spit in the first place). I get scared that new friends, will not understand, that they’ll bail when I come clean. For months now, I’ve been forcing myself to be open with everyone I meet, that I potentially could see a friendship with, about being sick. I’m learning to tell my family when I need help, or when I’m having a hard time. It’s a learning curve, all of it, but I’ll get there because it’s worth it. No one should have to feel like a shell of themselves, no one should doubt themselves that much, and no one should have to feel the kind of emptiness. Cheesy as it may be, but everyone is different, we all have different battles we’re fighting, and we all have different quirks and personalities. What I wished I had learned a long time ago is..

.. if someone doesn’t like who you are, if a person doesn’t support you, from family to friends and everything else.. kick their asses out on the curb.

 

‘Cause nobody got time for that shit.

 

Haha.

 

Moving on up!

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After the craziness of the last few months, life is starting to take on a bit more normalcy. It’s been one hell of a ride, that’s for sure! For once though, I feel like I am coming out a better, happier more knowledgeable person.  

So my heart (be still my beating heart haha) is doing better. I haven’t had any more major issues beyond a couple shot lived episode a few weeks ago. I also prepared myself and learned how to cope if they do happen, and I have a prescription if things get worse again. So far no worries. Back to basic life for me. (Hopefully my EP was right and it was a short lived thing!)

I however did get quite a bit of anxiety from the whole ordeal. I think having your heart stopped and restarted in the ER will do that for anyone. So I took a first step and found myself a really sweet therapist. It’s nice to be able to really tell someone everything… something I haven’t been able to do in about 5 years. She’s helping me learn how to cope with my illnesses as well as being a single mom (again). I’m glad I took that step, as it seems to be really helping me straighten myself and my life out. She’s given me great advice from how to deal with doctors, (she even found me one when I didn’t like the new one I had) to how to take steps to stop being a doormat for people, to great budgeting ideas and resources for writing and art.

Beyond that, I’ve also been making it a point to write and read daily again. Just to get the creativity flowing. I started feeling more confident with myself just doing that.

Oh! Even managed to go a few miles at the forest preserve already. It was so nice out, and felt good to get active again. Noodle and I are just starting to work on the yard for spring (I’ve got a feeling it won’t be as easy as taking it all down for winter). We’re both excited for the garden this year, as well as planting our flowers! She’s really involved with it too!

Nood has been doing great! Grades are steady in school with good behavior. She really has stepped it up with helping at home with chores. I’m proud of my little munchkin.

I’ve also been able to start reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in forever! I forgot what having a social life is like! What I’m working on now is finding a club I want to join. I’ve been looking for quite sometime, just can’t decide.

All in all, things are going well. I hope the trend continues! It feels so great to finally feel happy again after all those years filled with doubt and anxiety! Looking forward to Spring!

Have a nice night everyone!

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Once Upon a Time..

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Once upon a time, I felt healthy. Once upon a time, I felt like I could conquer the world. Once upon a time, I felt like I could do anything.

At one time, a compliment was just that. Now, “You look good today” just makes me wince. I just want to say: “Well, I don’t feel good.” or “I guess I did a good job hiding behind my makeup.” At one time, a compliment was just nice, now I wonder if people won’t take me seriously when I say I’m not feeling well because I look “fine” or I “don’t look sick”.

In the past, I would look forward to each day. I would wake up early, stay up late. I could go all day and do whatever I wanted. In the past, I ran my own life, now I “count my spoons” and hope I can make it through the day without becoming exhausted to the point of tears. Now, I look forward to when my daughter goes to bed, so I can finally stop.

When I was healthy, I didn’t have to have blood draws on a regular basis. I went to the doctor only when the flu got me down. When I was healthy, I never had surgeries, and only stayed over night in a hospital when my daughter was born. Now I’m a regular on almost every floor and I can tell you what vein and what angle.

Now that things have changed, I’ve learned how much stronger I a.m than I was before. I can face life with a different outlook than most people I know. I know the fear of dying, I know the feeling of constant pain. I’ve faced my disease head on and while I’ll never win, I learned to keep fighting. Now that things have changed, I know that the lessons I’ve learned, help me to appreciate life all the more. I know I’m a strong role model for my daughter. I know that if I’ve made it this far, I can do anything.