Growing Up or Growing Into?

Standard

It’s Saturday Night y’all!  The boyfriend is hanging out with his brother, and my kid is asleep.  Logically the next step is brew some coffee and write some bullshit.  So yeah.  Here I am.  On the internet.  Three minutes ago I had a realization, something that hit me so hard, so fast, that I immediately felt that need to get the words out of my head.  I can’t find my favorite pen, so blog it is.

I am a New Sarah.

Over the past 15 years, I have reinvented myself several times.  No one Sarah was completely the same.  Some Sarah’s were no good, some Sarah’s were too work-involved, some Sarah’s were at the bottom of the bottle, and some Sarah’s were domesticated housewifes.  So here we go again, I finally realized that I am a completely new Sarah again.

This new Me has been evolving for roughly 3 years.  The Divorce from “He who shall not be named” threw me to rock-bottom.  I wasn’t the best person, I wasn’t the best mom, and I wasn’t a good friend.  Honestly, I didn’t even like me.  Not even a little bit.  Actually, if Present-Day-Me met Me-From-3-Years ago, I’d slap her.  Or me.  Whatever, you get the gist.

I had to have a couple of major blows to my life to straighten out.  Those blows sucked, but I finally got it figured out and apparently just ran with it.  Usually my reinventions are somewhat similar.  Some sort of aspect stays with the next Me, thankfully, this time, the only thing that has stuck is my fuck-you-I-can-do-this attitude.  I think I’m just so amazed because of it.  Looking back on 3 years ago, I am borderline ashamed.  I have moments of deep shame, but then I remind myself that everything I did, caused, or went through, kicked my ass enough to learn from it.  Nonetheless, I am glad to say goodbye to the Old Sarah.  I am glad to kiss that life goodbye and stop glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s not following me.

Today was a perfect day.  The Boyfriend had to work, so we had a Noodle and Mama Day.  We relaxed together a bit this morning, and after a quick breakfast hopped in the car and headed out.  We ran a couple of errands and then had lunch together.  After lunch, we went straight to the local farmer’s market and bought mushrooms (Noodle), Onions (as a complement to Noodle’s mushrooms), and peanut butter cookies (Me, duh).  Then we went shopping, we roamed around a couple of stores, causing a bit of trouble and looking for deals.  At Target I learned that my kid can con cookies off of ANY bakery in ANY store ANNNNND go back for SECONDS.

We came back to the house and set up some venison chops to marinate, and went right back outside.  It was a gorgeous day, and I don’t think either one of us could stay inside another day.  I had bought her a big jug of bubbles, so I sipped my iced coffee and she blew and chased down and stomped hundreds of bubbles.  A good grilled dinner and some relaxing, and she’s tucked into bed asleep.  I managed to clean the house before I ended up on my computer.

What made me realize the change in myself is that as I brewed my cup of coffee I realized I was/am completely happy and content.  That moment, as my coffee brewed, I thought back and realized how different not only I was, but how different I felt compared to a few years ago.  I finally learned how to live for me (and my daughter) instead of to someone else’s standards, or how I thought I was *supposed* to be.  I finally learned to love ME and my life, all the little quirks and troubles.  I learned to be happy with myself and enjoy the little things, and do it sober.

Things are not perfect and this life has had some pretty shitty moments, but now I realize that it will never be perfect, but I can make it as damn close as I can, and enjoy the ride there.

 

It feels good to stop looking into the past.

Advertisements

Saturday Night In.

Standard

I never thought I’d be a homebody.  Never in a million years, I was too busy trying to get out of my house and have a life to even consider that to make my house a home I have to be here.  A lot can change in year and I am definitely proof of that.  So instead of trying to figure out tonight’s plans to go out and hit the town, I’m settling in and cooking dinner for myself.  My daughter weaseled a pizza lunchable out of me at the grocery so I can make whatever I want.  Chipped Beef on Toast?  Yes please!  Then after the kiddo goes to bed it’s a night of my favorite shows all curled up on the couch.

I’ve owned this house for 3 years now, and it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride so far.  Things are still crazy, but at the same time they are smoothing out (if that even makes sense).

I’ve managed to find a stable job, which I’ve been at for 1 year now (as of Wednesday)… a job that even though it gets on my nerves some days, I still look forward to going into the office in the morning.  This job has given me the monotony that I dread, but at the same time, it’s not the same thing every day.  It makes enough money to pay the bills, and then some now that Ryan has moved in and taken over his half of the mortgage and utilities.  So now I’m capable of saving money, which is something despite at times two jobs didn’t allow me to do.

Since Ry has been around he’s been kicking my butt into gear when it comes to the house.  It’s really coming along since last spring, I put in the floor myself and he painted almost every room.  With the new furniture in it looks fantastic!  He’s even been keeping my plants alive and helping me pick out picture frames and little knick knacks.  Something I never bothered to do.  Once he finished my bedroom, I now have my own little library.  He put in bookshelves up a wall and hung up a lot of my candles, it finally feels comfortable in there.  A little retreat, vacation spot for me while I’m at home.

Frankly, our little dysfunctional family and Ryan’s and my relationship has finally turned my house into a home.  For a couple years there, thanks to a divorce and thanks to my own faults, it was just a place to stay.  Now?  I take pride in my home, it’s mine, and I love it.  I actually love spending time here, there is nothing better than curling up and drinking coffee with my love.  I am as happy as I’ve been, which means it’s time to strive for even more happiness and stability.  Setting things right that have been askew for a long time.

One thing that Ryan kicked my ass into doing was filing for child support.  I had filed the motion and went to court, unfortunately it got shot down.  I finally managed to get an appointment with Child Support Enforcement and they are hunting my ex-husband down for me.  They found his social security number and have put it in the system, on top of that they have the Colorado State’s Attorney looking for him as well as Illinois.  He may never work a real job again, but if he does, or hell, even applies for assistance, they’ll find him.  They even managed to pull up my domestic abuse case, complete with pictures, and flagged it just in case he decides to lose his cool when they finally find him.

I don’t have hopes for anything, I’d honestly be surprised if he finds a real job, but it was worth it.  Anyone who hurts my daughter is instantly on my shit list, it’s just sad that it had to be her own father.  This father’s day?  It will be one year since we even heard from him, more since he left.  My heart breaks for my Noodle, but she doesn’t need someone like that in her life, she will learn that blood is NOT thicker than water, and sometimes good friends are even better than family.

Other than that nonsense, I’ve been doing what I love to do.  Write.  Not so much in this blog, but in my journal and on my pseudo book.  It’s one thing I’ve decided to pursue, not because I think I will make any money on it, but because why the hell not.  I also have been writing quite a bit in my journal… the point behind that one is simple.  It’s for my daughter.  I have well over 40 full journals so far, I started a journal as soon as I could write.  This way, when I am long gone, my kiddo can read them and get to know me as well as the person I used to be.  Maybe if I go early, she can use them for advice.  That’s one thing I wish my mother would have done is more journaling.  I think it would be easier to at least have something to read of hers, you know to feel a little closer to her even though she’s not here anymore.

Like any parent, I hope to god that I don’t die while she is young.  Going through that myself when I was in 5th grade was horrible, and even now at 26, I need my mother.  However, facing what possibly runs in my genes, what my medications can cause, as well as Crohns Disease, I do worry about it.  That’s why I have been trying to eat as healthy as I can afford, get exercise in as well as stop drinking.  I am proud of myself, I went from drinking (even just one beer) a few times a week to just once a month… maybe.  With just that alone, I feel great!  My Crohns is practically in remission, with a stray fistula symptom here and there but that’s it!  This is the best I’ve felt in years!   The next thing on my agenda?  Smoking.  I want to at least cut down to the bare minimum – a cigarette with a cup of gourmet coffee because, hello, I just can’t have coffee with out my smoke.  Haha, that’ll never change.  I’m just sick of not being able to run like I used to, and smoking doesn’t help with all of my lung infections I catch now that I’m on Remicade.  So smoking is next, I think I can do it, I just have to get up the courage to actually let myself run out of cigarettes.  I hope I get that courage soon.

Things are good.  I never thought I’d be on this path in life, but you know what?  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I love my family, I love Ryan, and things are on the up and up and I won’t let that change.  :)

Traditional to boot… or with boots. Combat Boots?

Standard

So I have a designated hour to myself this morning.  I am curled up in bed with my coffee before I start my to-do list.  Noodle is home from school today even (annoyingly so) she is acting normal.  So I got up, dropped the boyfriend off at work and got home a little while ago after running a quick errand.  I do have to say, in this bit of time I have to think, I am a bit nostalgic.

Last night I reverted directly into my old stay-at-home-mom role.  As I was fixing dinner, (at a normal time for a change) I started planning my to-do list for today.  Breakfast, laundry, bedding, shampoo the carpet, clean out the car, coffee and if Noodle’s throat keeps on not-hurting a trip to the pond at the forest preserve so she can run off the med induced hyper-mania.  Planned dinner for tonight, even though the boyfriend will be back late after his class.

With out even thinking.

When it comes to the ideal life, I am extremely traditional (hey feminists, I can kick your ass even if I am barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen…. remember… we fought for the right to CHOOSE our lifestyle).  I believe the best place for me is at home.  When I was a stay at home mom/wife, I found a huge amount of pride in keeping my home beautiful, having food on the table just in time for my husband to come home, and spending time with my child.  I loved the domestic aspect.  In my home, if I had it my way in the future, I’d be able to be home to cook dinner at a reasonable time, yet still have time to play with my kid, help with homework and maintain the house.  I feel like housework and (most of) cooking is the woman’s job.  The man?  Yardwork (except for gardening, that’s mine too.) trash, maintenance jobs, drains (yuck), and car repair.  Traditional.  That’s how I am most comfortable.  I like to take care of my child and my man full time.

That being said, my mind is not made for staying at home 24/7 (hence why I went to college).  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay at home like that again. Again, if I had it my way in the future, I’d work part time and then come back to the home front.

Ahhhh, how I wish things could be.  Unfortunately I’m a single parent.  I’m doomed to a life of full time work, seeing my co-workers more than my child, losing out on homework time, and shoving a weeks worth of housework into the evening hours or weekends. So I guess in the mean time, I’ll just thrive for the weekends, and the long summer days where I can be outside with my kid more.  Hah.

*** Alright, just because someone will get irritated by this post I am reiterating.  This is how I want MY life to be.  How I feel MY family should run.  How I want to run MY house.  My views.  Not yours.  Pertaining to ME, MY family and MY house.  Not yours.  So un-bunch your panties.

Luck comes in the form of a wrench.

Standard

Sitting on my couch right now, the mini-me is eating her lunch and my Dad and The Boyfriend are installing my new water heater.  I can’t help but think about how lucky I am.  I’m lucky because my Dad bought me a new water heater as a gift, so I wouldn’t be broke.  I’m lucky that Dad and Ry are installing it for me, since I don’t think I could even lift the tank, there for saving me money in labor.  I’m a hands on girl, but sometimes brute strength is essential.  So instead of going broke and pulling every muscle in my body, I get to relax and listen to them chatter among themselves.

I had a little conversation with The Boyfriend last night.  I told him how much I appreciate the help he’s been giving me.  This house had gotten so overwhelming with all of the remodeling and cleaning on the To-Do List.  Working 40+ hours a week and dealing with Crohns made the whole ordeal so incredibly daunting I damn near had an anxiety attack.  Since The Boyfriend arrived and booted his way into my life he’s done nothing but help me.  From painting my house to minor repairs.  To ceiling fans, thermostats, and now the water heater.  When he started steam cleaning the carpets (I still have carpet in the bedroom) and scrubbing cabinets last night I realized how lucky I am.

As far as I’m concerned, it takes a special someone to really see what a person needs.  When I asked him why he does so much for me, the little repairs and such, he responded with “I see how much the little things make you happy.”  That kind of person is someone worth holding on to.  I’m very lucky I met him, much more that we’ve been able to stick it out through out all the various drama and issues thus far.

You never really know where a relationship is heading, you never really know if it’ll last.  I’m not just talking about love, I’m talking about friendships.  If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past handful of years is that you have to learn how to enjoy things in the moment.  Make the memories that mean something, that way you’ll always have a bit of that someone in your heart (whether or not you like it).  These days I surround myself with people who matter.  People who show compassion, people I care about, people whom I’d go above and beyond for as well as vice versa.  It’s much easier to live a happy life if you minimize the toxicity in it.  It’s hard to see the negative aspects sometimes, but when you do, when you rid yourself of them, you feel a difference.  Trust me.

I’m lucky enough, finally, at this point in my life, to not only have a wonderful family but a secure set of friends and a boyfriend… all of which I’d do just about anything for (sorry kids, my kidneys are MIIIINE).  It took a long time to figure out who and what I needed in my life, but now?  Even on the worst days, there’s warmth inside of me… instead of just regret.  So I think I’m going to go make a cup of tea and watch the boys work.  I hope everyone has had a great weekend so far.  I’ll be back for more random writing later!

 

 

[ps. Sorry for the un-funny, not-violent, almost-profanity-free blog.  Just had to get all of that crap out of my head.  :)]

Karma

Standard

I believe in Karma.  I do.  I also believe in God, but I also believe that God is most likely a female.  I believe in a nature based religion that takes a lot from other religions and combines them.  I believe that some of the Bible, Koran, so on and so forth are true, and I believe the rest of it is stories with very good intentions.  Basically what my beliefs come down to is living a good life, being kind, and doing the best you can.  I believe in happiness and forgiveness (the latter part takes me a while).  I believe what goes around, comes around, so put forth kindness and you’ll get it back.  On that same exact note, if you’re a heinous cunt, you’ll get it back tri-fold.

Jealousy.  Being jealous here and there isn’t a horrible thing.  Sure, you might want something that someone else has, but the line in the sand is drawn when you become obsessive about it.  When you base your own happiness on destroying someone else’s happiness because of it.  Sure you may be jealous, but also be happy for the other person.  Jealousy turns people into cold-hearted monsters, and the only place that’ll get you is nowhere… by yourself.

Lies.  Lies.  Lies.  Sure the little white lie doesn’t hurt.  We’ve all done it, you know, that one friend who got a haircut that just makes you cringe, but you say it compliments their face anyway.  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, why not?  Spreading lies though?  Let the kids do it, they are young enough to where it’s still considered learning.  When you spend your time spreading lies, all other people learn is the TRUTH about YOU.  So why lie?

Hate.  What’s the point?  Seriously, be mad, be FURIOUS… but wasting your own life by hating someone is pointless.  The only person who loses is you.  The person you hate?  They couldn’t give a damn about you or what you think.  Why waste time on that? Get over whatever you’re mad about and move on in life.

I’ve spent the last couple of months (and continued it with my New Year’s Resolutions) stepping away from negative people, situations and places.  The impact on my happiness is unbelievable… not to mention my anxiety (but having my polar opposite laid back boyfriend by my side helps too).  I plan on continuing to leave the cunts, assholes, and liars in my past.  It’s better that way.

Now off to snuggle with my little one and then a night of relaxing for me! :)

Peace out folks.

[oh. and do me a favor. if you feel the need to talk shit, next time when you have my name in your mouth, do what you do best. swallow. ]

Let it Flow.

Standard

There’s one thing to say when it comes to life.  It’s lovely.  Okay maybe there are numerous things to say, not only is life lovely, it’s trying, it’s beautiful, it’s aggravating, it’s well… life.  Each day holds something different, or if you’re someone like me, each day holds numerous “differents”.  Some days life itself flows through my head, filling it with a million thoughts at once.  Some related to the days activities, some not.  Sometimes I feel like it would drive me crazy, but usually it just drives me to write.

Today’s post will be rambling.  Pure and simple.  I’m just letting my thoughts flow through my fingers today, effectively calming my brain.  It’s needed, and it’s been a while since I’ve purely let everything out.  Everything.  Nonsense and logical alike.

I watched my daughter fingerpaint today.  She had some crazy colors going there for a minute and made some pretty cool drawings which apparently I “must put on the fridge, the fingerpaints will be mad otherwise.”  I just sat there watching.  There’s something so soothing in art itself.  Whether it be fingerpainting, pastels, wood working, or writing.  Something that everyone can understand in at least one moment in their life.  Something about moving your hands along a brush and seeing the colors from in your mind appear on the canvas.  There’s something to the feel of molding clay, feeling the cool texture and pushing and pulling until it’s just right.  Then of course there’s my favorite.  There’s something to be said about pouring your mind out on paper or a blog.  Whether it be random rambling, or secret short stories.

There’s just something about it.  Creating something that up until that moment only you had seen.  Art.

As I watched her paint, watched her eyes light up and she told me what she was creating, I felt bad.   Not for her, but for her so-called father.  While he chose to play house with yet another family, he’s missing out on the beautiful child he left behind.  This little one is so willful, many say like myself, and even though she drives me crazy some days, I am proud that she got my bull-headed personality.  I just hope it sticks.  I feel bad for her father because he won’t know who she is as she’s growing.  He won’t see wonderful things like the thrill that runs through her as she paints.  He won’t watch her sing loudly in the kitchen to some girl-rock (or combichrist depending on the day).  He’s missing all that.  I’m okay with that, I just oddly  enough feel bad.

Respect.  I used to say I would start out with no respect for a person until then earned it.  Eventually I threw that idea in the trash and started everyone out on the same plate.  This being said though, I do NOT let people walk all over me.  If you can’t figure out how to act like an adult and treat me with respect even though you don’t particularly like me,  you can bet you will get a shit-eating grin from me and put in the ground.  Today I let that slide out of respect for other people, but that was it.  That was the first and last time.  If you complain about me not being adult enough to want to have dinner with you but then give me snotty attitude when I did nothing to you, you will not get any respect from me.  Then again, you already lost that when you chose the sob story of a single mom’s woes and then spend all your time at the bar instead of with your kid.  So I guess you didn’t lose anything.  Out of respect for myself I will be nice, but one more trip up, one more smirk, and it’s fair play.  Respect, either you give it to me freely, or I’ll take it, and ask around, you won’t have fun.

I get absorbed into my surroundings.  My mood reflects my surroundings, I would say 90% of the time.  If I’m outside in the quiet forest, then I’m calm and collected.  If I’m surrounded by noise and clutter, I’m on edge and nervous.  That’s one of the reasons I’ve been working on my house.  It’s come a far way.  I’m finally to the point where my house brings a sense of tranquility and puts me at ease.  Especially with the new colors.  I’ve always been like this.  I’m glad I’m getting a move on on the work here.. because frankly winter is just too long when I don’t see the green of the trees and grass, when I can’t lose myself in the forest preserves.

I don’t mind winter all that much, but after a couple of months I start missing the spring.  There’s nothing like sitting outside with your eyes closed.  Just listening to nature and feeling the breeze.  There’s nothing like seeing brand new flowers and plants come up as well as the brilliant colors of summer.  Winter is peaceful but so dreary.  The days that the sun is out makes it worthwhile, but I think I’m addicted to the green colors and blue skies.

Tomorrow is Remicade Day.  I’m on the 8-week-schedule now, thankfully, I’m sick of hospitals.  So tomorrow morning I’ll go get pumped full of my mouse juice and nap in those uncomfortable infusion chairs.  Way better than being sick all the time.  My Crohns is almost completely in remission, it seems like the fistula is finally healing.. only a small twinge of pain here and there.  Thank god, surgery was looming and I was damned if I had to miss work.  I’ll take the long term effects if I can just live my life now.  The only thing I have problems with is the fatigue.  I just get so tired, so easily.  Hopefully by the time spring rolls around I can get some energy back.  :)

 

The end result.

Standard

Sometimes you’re stuck in a situation you don’t want to be.  You look around and think to yourself “How in the HELL did I get myself in this mess?”  Where things are so chaotic and you remember vowing never to be in this situation.  You shake your head and embrace the feeling of running away from it, tucking tail and taking off.  No contact, enjoying the pure solitude.  In this situation, you feel awkward, out of place.  You know you don’t belong there, you never wanted to be in it.  You seek out the advice of others, and it just reaffirms your current feelings… so far.  You feel stuck, smothered, like your stuck in someone else’s world.  You think to yourself, Why?

Then.  Then, you think about why you’re in the situation.  You ponder to yourself why you would involve yourself in it if you knew you’d long to run free from the moment.  You think about that reason, you think about that ‘why’ hard and long.  You think about the pros and cons.  You think about other’s feelings.  You think about the end result.  What do you want to come of it?  What is the end goal?  Do you think you’ll reach that?  Do you think all this mess, all this mess you’ve hated time and time again is worth it?  Is the endurance worth the annoyance and the ultimate feeling of “this can’t be for me?”

In this case, I’m not 100% sure.  However, I’m not tucking tail and running like I had always planned on doing.  I’m facing  the situation head on, still hating every single moment of it, still feeling completely misplaced and isolated.  I’m facing it though, I’m facing it because the end goal seems like it might be attainable.  Like it might be worth it.

I’m thankful for what I have, and while I want the things I can’t because of it, for right now I’m willing to endure the situation, give it a shot.  The worst that can happen?  I’ll reaffirm what I already “know” and will learn from it.  The best?  I end up happy.