Parenting: Frustration and Pride

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Every parent on the face of our planet has at least once wished their kids have children just like them. Now, raising my own child, I do have to say, sometimes it’s like arguing with myself in the mirror.

My kid is definitely my mini-me, without a doubt. She has the same mannerisms, attitude, and hell, some of the same dislikes. Getting her to clean up one at project before she starts another is like pulling teeth (while I ignore the yarn I pulled out in favour of writing). Arguing with her about why it’s important to rein in her smart mouth, while realizing my mouth is the root of half of my problems in my past is very odd. Watching her read through a chapter book in an hour reminds me of bringing Stephen King’s Misery to fifth grade.

My child is definitely my child. She pushes every button I have, gets under my skin like there’s no tomorrow. However, when I hear about her standing up to her bullies at school, I swell with pride. Watching her befriend younger children makes me smile. Watching her excel in the things she wants to do (art, writing, reading.. soon sports) makes me ever so proud.

Just like every other parent on the face of the planet, I hope I’m going a good job. I hope I’m everything I should be for her. I hope I teach her right from wrong and how to be a strong woman. After stepping on a Lego a few minutes ago, after a long day of bickering about picking up toys and not using attitude.. I threw my hands up in the air and thought to myself “I hope she has a kid just like her.”

Just like every other parent out there.

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Positively Negative

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What’s the saying?  If you think positive thoughts, positive things will happen or some shit like that?  Let me just start out by saying… that’s crap.  At least when it comes to anything that could possibly involve other human beings.

I am stressed out.  What’s new?  Things at home are actually really good, it’s mostly my work that’s starting to get to me.  With the exception of one night (and tonight) that I ended up having chest pains, I have been working 60 hours a week for a bit now.  When you look at my salary broken up among those hours, it’s… well painful to say the least.  Add that to the time I’ve lost enjoying the summer with my daughter to paperwork and phone calls?  Covering someone else in the office?  Helping out?  Yeah…. no.  The boyfriend and I had to have the come to Jesus talk, discuss what’s right for our family as well as my own well being… and I need to figure out some changes.

It’s just super frustrating.  I start out each work day in a positive (albeit sleepy) mood, but without fail, some person has to fuck up my day.  I swear, I’m not meant to work with the general public.  I’m not sure how I survived all those years in sales without being convicted of homicide.  I highly dislike being in a position where someone else can fuck up my shit.  I know, “but Sarah, you don’t have to let them” … that’s horse crap and you know it.  This is why being self employed always appealed to me, but how do you start your own business when some other company takes up your time? 

That, and well… what business could I start that has nothing to do with other humans?

Right.

At this point I feel like I should apologize for doing nothing but bitching in this post.  Whatever.  I’m burnt out and stressed out, and ready to walk.  Blogging is my outlet, so tough shit.

Just some how got to keep trucking, with out throwing myself away.  Just have to find my balance between work and home and more importantly how to say no (in all aspects of life) and speak up if I feel I should. 

Time for some tea and to listen to these thunderstorms.  Got a long week ahead of me, including seeing my pops and Remicade, which is perfect timing since I’m running to the bathroom more times than I’d like and my joints are on FIRE.

Here’s to Monday being a bitchface, and here’s to the next day.

Cheers.

Birthdays and Frustration

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Just turned another year older, seems like this last year just flew by.  My birthday weekend was actually really nice, I was able to visit with some friends I haven’t seen in a while and hang out with the boyfriend and my sister.  Got some really awesome gifts, not just from family either but from my coworkers too.

However it must have been the carefree weekend that makes everything today seem so irritating.  It seems like literally every little thing frustrated me, from work to my dentist to my banks.  You name it.  It’s just made me realize that I have to do something to change my life, something to take down the stress a little. 

Regardless, here goes another year of my life.

This adult stuff is bullshit.

Frustration and Cold Coffee

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Something has been itching in my brain these past few weeks.  It’s been making me feel restless and frustrated, and while having a brain-eating-worm might not be so much fun, at least there’d be a direct reason.  It’s most likely just the changing seasons.  You know, the warm days and chilly nights?  The beginning of fall/end of summer always seem to make me feel… like I said, itchy.  Twitchy.  Something.

 

Little Noodle is now officially a 1st grader.  My little girl rides the school bus, has recess and brings homework back in her new little backpack.  She seems to be having a lot of fun, and according to the email I received from her teach today, she’s doing great.  I’m definitely proud of her, and happy for her as well as a bit in shock.  When the hell did she turn 6?  When the hell did she become old enough for school (she was in private Kinder, it just didn’t hit home as much as now)?  Ahhh, the years of diaper changing and bottle washing are behind me… just like potty training.  There are many more years to enjoy, but I have a strong feeling that the other parents are right.  These years are just going to fly by.

 

So maybe that’s it.  Maybe it’s that I’m coming to the realization that my kid is not only growing up, but growing up quickly.

 

Work has been frustrating me, which is nothing entirely new.  The last couple months have had me wanting to tear my own hair out… or quit.  I still love my job, quite a bit actually.  I enjoy doing what I’m actually supposed to be doing, but lately it’s just been irritating to no end.  It seems like I end up picking up a lot of the slack, and while I admit I’m good at it, that doesn’t mean I want to do it.  It’s been hard lately, we have such a good team, but it still gets mucked up.  Just like I predicted, the office/shop seem to be spontaneously combusting.  I called it, I called it 8 weeks ago.  Hell, I even raised the warning flags to both my higher ups, but it’s still combusting at will.  The sad part is, is that I’m actually getting worn down.  It’s not that I can’t handle my job, because I most definitely can, but that combined with cleaning up after someone else’s mistakes, I’m making mistakes.  To know that someone else makes a good salary and bonuses, doing the literal job I wanted (since management removed the *one* thing I didn’t want to do) and manages to mess up enough to create twice the work for me pisses me off.

I guess the what *really* frustrates me about work, isn’t really all I just puked out above.  It’s that I’ve gone to management twice each now and nothing has changed.  It’s that I *know* other people have brought up problems, and no resolution has come about.  More importantly?  It’s that I swallowed all of my smart retorts, I did all the extra work, I smiled and taught/re-taught/re-re-taught when needed.  It’s that I did *MY* job for a whole two weeks and trusted someone else to take care of things and all I got out of it where a shit-ton of mistakes, pissed off stores and customers.  I had 2 weeks of glory, of only doing what I was supposed to be doing instead of fixing shiznit and double checking.  I figured sink or swim.  Well, that someone else sank but didn’t drown and now I’m stressed again.

I talked to my parents about this, and while my lovely step-ma agreed with me and came up with some wonderful ideas… I think my pops may have it more right.  “You can love a job, but it doesn’t matter, eventually you get a boss who is a moron screws up everything…and no one will listen.”  So while I’m valuing my step-ma’s advice (and actually putting some of it in motion), I’m heeding what my Dad had to say and keeping my options open. I’m glad I have a job, a job that deep down I love, but that doesn’t mean I am going to sit back and enjoy someone else running each day into the ground.

 

So that might be it too.  I get a headache just thinking about it.

 

Life at home is good though, thankfully.  I think I’d lose my mind otherwise.  Ryan and I hit our 2 year mark sometime last month (no, neither of us remember the date) and… well.. life is happy.  The house is shaping up and so is the yard, and my house is most definitely feeling like a home… like my sanctuary.  It’s amazing the difference in just living somewhere and living somewhere you have made into a home.  It’s one of the best feelings there is.  I’m very grateful that if I have a crappy day at work or anything negative for that matter, that I can come home and feel relieved.  I can kiss the boyfriend, pet the cat and dogs and snuggle my kid.  The kiddo is finally happy too, especially now that her bio-dad stopped popping in with random phone calls.   It sounds cold, but after another 5 months of not hearing from him, not a single peep about him from my kid, and seeing her smile and laugh, I am thrilled.  When he was calling before, her behaviour was rough and emotions crazy.  Now that it’s back to normal, she’s her happy self again!  I’m really hoping he realized how much he was hurting her before, because it was intense.  I was miffed when I found out this whole time he’s been out in CO, he’s actually been running around getting married and having another kid ( I mean, christ, he doesn’t pay for his other 2! ), but you know what?  Maybe he’s happy now and can finally let us be happy.  I hope so.

 

So, things are far from bad.  Just some stupid-shit at work mostly… but I don’t think that’s it.  I just feel antsy and almost stagnant.  I just have to find something else I want to tackle.  Improving my credit (and saving money) isn’t enough of an obstacle.  I think I just need to set some new goals to work towards, and find another way to deal with the stress from work so it continues to stay out of my home life.  Eh, I’ll come up with something.  Winter’s coming… that leaves a lot of time indoors to putter around and work towards goals.

 

Frustration

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So today was a day of hindsight.  You know the phrase… hindsight is 20/20.  I could’ve kicked my own ass all the way to the moon and back, all day, every day, for the next fucking week.  I just wanted to smack myself on the forehead and be like “What the fuck Sarah! You knew better!” all day.

Numero Uno.

Awhile ago, my coworker got a promotion and her position opened up.  I thought about it and in the end I decided I didn’t want to go for it.  A particular part of that position I wanted nothing to do with, even though I wanted to learn the rest of it and I love(ed) my current job.  So I declined to apply and started helping out where I could.  After a (long) time, we finally started interviewing for the position and it was filled.  I kind of winced when I figured out who had gotten it, but whatever, I just wanted to do my job.

Well, now I wish I had just gone for that position.  The things I wasn’t sure I was ready for, I’m now doing.  The guy who got the job, isn’t catching on too quick, and most of the customer service issues that should be handled by a “manager” of sorts, end up falling to me.  I’ve been trying to keep my chin up, the best I know how, but it’s getting frustrating.  I understand that it takes a while to be trained but honestly, most of the issues I’m coming across, should be common sense issues, or even customer service related.  I’m trying to be understanding.

Today though, I think I hit my breaking point.  A minor situation went south really fast, and the new guy ended up yelling (and being completely rude and unprofessional) at a customer.   One of my coworkers and I listened with our jaws on the ground.  I mean, what do you do when your “manager” is spazzing out?  We decided to take it to the next manager up right away.

The only reason the situation was controlled, was because myself and 2 other coworkers played damage control.  One of those coworkers is also new and handled the situation BEAUTIFULLY, the other one was with the customer and smoothed over the situation for the company the best he could.  So while I’m sitting there, explaining what to do and at the same time trying (and failing) to catch up on my own work, I just kept thinking, “I could do a better job than him, this situation shouldn’t have gotten this far.”

I don’t know, I really want to trust my (gen) manager’s judgement, but all of us are struggling pretty bad right now, and none of us seem to have any faith in the new guy.  However, he’s supposed to be my direct manager but he gets so incredibly worked up over the littlest things, and now, for the 2nd time, has lost his cool with a customer.  There’s a point where I stop being frustrated and start being scared.  Is this how it’s going to be now?  Am I just going to keep covering for him and handling his problems?  Is damage control going to be part of our job duties when he gets too flustered?  The issue today was such a minor one and he completely lost it.  How can I trust that he will be able to lead the office when he tweaks out over an issue a quarter as frustrating/serious as what I tackle daily?

I don’t even understand how the position is laid out either.  How can someone be an installation manager, when they do the spreadsheet for the shop and have no industry experience?  He has no idea about installs, the routes, the guys or the job.  I always thought the installation manager would be the person who makes the routes, handles the problems and has a one on one relationship with the installers.  (Ie: Me) I could’ve totally understood hiring someone just to do the data entry for the shop, but this new layout in the office doesn’t click with me.  Unfortunately for me, I don’t get to choose.

The part that made me furious?  Is that after the whole incident, after we cleaned up the mess, he ran around the office complaining that the customer called him rude.  All of us just stared at him, he had to have told the story 5 times, just to be met with blank stares and awkward chuckles.  I couldn’t wrap my head around how he thought his response was appropriate.  I am the one who has the notorious hatred of people, not to mention the short fuse, and I have NEVER spoken to a customer, much less a complete stranger like that.  While of course we did the best to head the customer off before she went to corporate, I can completely understand why she wanted to.  Much more importantly, if I was talked to that way by ANYONE, I would go directly to their manager and raise unholy hell.

I don’t know what to do.  I am going to talk to my (gen) manager on Friday when she comes back, but I guess the answer that everyone is predicting I’ll get is “it’s just a matter of training”.  I just don’t even know where to start, he is supposed to have awesome customer service experience, but he really doesn’t know how to handle problem customers (of any sort) or do well under stress, it’s like he never worked in customer service at all.  However, I’m scared that if I bring any of this up, that I’ll just upset the manager because he was her choice.

All I do know, is that without the other new girl, the one who rocked it today, I would’ve already lost my mind.  Finally, I’ve hit the bottom though.  I can’t handle it all, I can’t do two people’s jobs *and* tackle the crap the new guy can’t handle.  I’m really burnt out, and just regretting not going after that position.  To be completely honest (and this is coming from the girl who goes to work with bowel obstructions), if I didn’t adore the other girl and my reg and gen managers so much, I’d call off tomorrow.  The mere thought of dealing with everything plus the new guy tomorrow gives me a migraine.  Top it off?  Tomorrow I’m doing it alone.  It’s going to be a long day of biting my tongue and praying for more coffee.