Depression: This and That

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It’s been a long couple of weeks, it really has been.  It seems like it’s all come crashing down on my shoulders today, I’m not sure why today, but here I am.  I am in a deep funk.  I’ve been telling myself for the past few days that I just need to make it to Friday.  Friday, the beginning of the weekend… I was sure that when I walked out of work tonight, I’d feel much better (at least mood wise anyway).  Well, that was a lie.  Maybe it has to do with all the stress from work over the past couple of (hell) weeks, maybe it was the crushing realization that I’m going to have to work tomorrow morning anyway.  Either way, getting in my car after work and heading to pick up the short one from camp, I had the sudden urge just to bawl.

I’m not talking about a couple of cute, mascara streaked tears running down my face.  I felt like I wanted to scream and rail against the world, like if I went all crazy girl in my car, I’d feel all better and the world would keep turning.  Well, unfortunately for my head, I didn’t.  I drove to pick up the short one, no tears in sight, and diligently turned in the check for her childcare.  I packed her up in the car and stopped for a quick treat at the 7-eleven (Friday tradition anyone?) and headed home.  I sat out in the backyard writing, watching my child run around with her “peg leg” (a walking stick the boyfriend made her, which magically morphs into whatever play thing she wants at the moment.  Thank god for imagination!), smacking random things that she deemed a monster.  I sat there and smiled.  The boyfriend came home, we talked about our days while I drank my iced coffee.  You know what?  I still want to bawl.

I know a big portion of it is just the prednisone prescription.  I have mild depression and anxiety normally, but for some reason the prednisone really brings it out.  It’s pretty common from what I understand if you’re on it long term, and I dealt with it before so I knew it was coming.  A big portion of this funk is because I feel like crap.  My Crohns is far from controlled right now, and the physical side effects from prednisone are popping up.  Along with the stomach cramping and my “normal” fatigue, I have joint pain, what I call “skin pain” and I feel like I haven’t slept.  I’m not even going to talk about the “moon face” I’m rocking now.  It was confirmed by a coworker yesterday.  As anyone with a chronic illness knows, (especially someone in a flare or with consistently active disease) after a while, the pain and discomfort just wear you down.

For whatever reason, work has just been hell lately.  I mean, it’s enough to wear my healthy counter parts down, and dealing with it on top of pain and fatigue is just ruining whatever small happy moods I do have with a quickness.  Usually I can deal with work stress pretty well, but with already being at the mental-crying-like-a-grounded-teenager point due to pain… it takes very little to set me over the edge.  Thankfully my co-workers are understanding (to a point), but shit man, I’d rather not have to run outside to get my emotions under control.  Crying at work is not fun for anyone, and when I cry, I make it all awkward for all who witness it.

There’s a lot going on in my personal life.  Some financial stuff, ranging from the new hospital bills, to the increased summer tuition for childcare (no child support here remember), to trying to stay afloat with no extra income coming in to make up for the gap.  Along with finances comes the regular stuff.  I have to turn in supplies for summer camp and register the kid for 2nd grade (I already missed the deadline… thank god pretty much everyone does.) and the boyfriends kids money stuffs too.  It’s just a lot, and while doable, is very overwhelming when I’m already not at the top of my game.  Then of course just every day stuff, you know, keeping up with chores (thank god for the helpful boyfriend) and the garden and getting repairs on my car completed.  I about cried when I realized I have to do laundry this weekend.  That’s how stressed out I am.

I know a lot of it is prednisone related because I *know* that most of this stuff doesn’t bother me on a normal day.  Which having that thought just irritates me even more!  I am so incredibly overwhelmed I want to just make some coffee and pour my head out to someone, but I’m feeling quite alone at the moment.  The boyfriend has to listen to me rant and rave everyday, so I don’t want to unload on him anymore than I already do.  My parents have a lot to deal with the other children, so I don’t want to unload on them either.  They are super stressed out, why add to it and then add guilt to my list of woe-is-me’s.  I don’t have a whole lot of friends who do the coffee date anymore, and the ones who do (which I love dearly) are too far to do in-person-coffee dates.  (Luckily I have one via phone tomorrow).  Regardless, between putting on the happy-fun-lets-do-a-bunch-of-fun-stuff mom face and the lack of people to talk to… it’s hard to get my brain out of this funk.

 

I don’t know.  I have to work tomorrow, then the kid and I are out to roam around for some one on one time.  I’m hoping that that and the good weather will cheer me up.  In the mean time?  Whiskey and cokes on my porch after the kiddo falls asleep.  I’ll count not having to watch frozen again as a victory and count my blessings.

 

Happy night all.  Hope your moods are better than mine.

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Something for me.

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One mistake I think that all of us make at some point in our existences is we forget about ourselves.  It’s all too easy, it really is.  I mean, we’re brought up to be careful of others, make sure we are good to our neighbors/coworkers/family/significant others/pretty much everyone on the planet.  So we have to focus on that and slowly but surely our own wants and needs fall to the background.  The ways a human is stretched is pretty ridiculous.  Excelling at your job is important, but so is leading your team!  Don’t forget your kids, they need to do go do something fun this weekend!  Oh and your boyfriend wants to go out with friends.  The house is cleaned, but we’re supposed to organize and oh geez, it’d be good for everyone to take a long walk!  Your parents could use a hand, and oh god, you forgot … insert A, B and C.

After getting out of the hospital this last time I’ve been feeling really… frazzled?  I felt like I was too busy but somehow I was always forgetting something or someone.  My daughter has a ton of requests regarding what she wants to do on the weekends, I now gave up on 2 separate sets of days off at work so my coworkers could take their days and I wouldn’t abandon anyone else in the office.  Dinner felt like a rush, it had to be healthy and before a certain time so my family could get enough sleep.  I really wanted a manicure, but you know, there was always something else to do.  I had wanted to do something romantic with the boyfriend, but we cancelled dinner twice because I needed to work late.

It seemed like I was being pulled in every-which-direction, and the frustration I felt, it was just ridiculous.  I think when I realized something was wrong, was when I sat down and thought about my vacation requests.  I had gone through outlook and plotted out vacation days, I almost always forget to use my time, and I had promised myself I’d take it this year.  I requested my daughters birthday off, and pulled that request when my co-worker wanted to go out of town for a week or so.  So I requested a long weekend next weekend… apparently my other coworker had requested that time off, and everyone forgot to tell me.  I had to sit down and explain to my kid that, no… I’m actually NOT taking time off.  “I know it’s Spring Break, but at least daycare is fun… yeah I know kid, I promised.”

I went home that day and honestly thought about everything.  I thought about how I felt, I thought about all the things I have planned/wanted to do, but didn’t so someone else could benefit.  I thought about spending my extra cash on something “responsible” instead of buying a silly nail polish.  I thought about the evenings I wasted working late when I should have finished what I had on my plate and ignored the rest.  I thought about the fights I had with my boyfriend because I was too stressed out to even be rational.  I thought about fighting with him because he felt my job was more important than everything else.  I thought about how I really wanted to go do something… just anything… and all the reasons I gave myself when I declined.

It’s an awful feeling to realize you don’t take care of your own happiness, your own wants and needs.  So I decided to say FUCK IT.  :)  when I got home on Friday night, I was going to try and finish up some work after dinner.  I was going to head back to the office and then go see my sister afterwards.  I was going to go out and yeah.  So I showed up to work, and no one was there.  There was supposed to be an entire shift of people there, but everyone was gone.  I immediately thought, well, I guess I can’t go visit my sister tonight, I’ll have to work in the morning.  It took me all of 5 minutes to realize that this was exactly what I had been thinking about.  Nope, Nope, Nope.  I went downtown anyway.  It was a lot of fun, hung out and chatted over drinks with my sister, and just generally had fun.  Came back in the morning, stopped and did what I absolutely had to do and went home.  I ate junk food on the way, and then spent the day in bed watching my nerdy-science shows.  Only to get up to go grocery shopping and get a chai that I was wanting.  Today?  I’m doing my nails and relaxing, maybe watching some of my shows that I have backlogged on my DVR.  Trying to figure out where to go for my birthday.  I asked both sides of the family to go out to dinner with me, and then to go out after.  I *want* to celebrate my birthday this year, and damn it to hell, I want to have fun.

I have got to take care of myself too, I have to stop neglecting my wants, and my families wants as well.  Work/Friends/Coworkers/House/Etc is all important, but there is no reason all of that should come first all of the time.  So my goal for this year, is to make more of my time.  To enjoy myself and my family instead of putting all that I look forward to on the backburner.  Wish me luck.

Why is the river green??

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I wasn’t even aware that it was St. Patrick’s Day on Monday until my kid complained about not having a leprechaun trap.  No shit, St. Patrick’s Day, which means it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend.  Which means that the majority of people I know have been completely shit faced all weekend.  Then there’s me.  Sober, and going to bed at 11pm because GodDammit I’m going to be up before 7 so I can drink a coffee in peace.

Wait, what?

Honestly, I didn’t put too much thought into it until this morning while I scrolled through the alcohol fueled regrets on my Facebook NewsFeed.  Once I saw the annual “look she’s sleeping in the stall at the pub” photo, it honestly hit me that I haven’t celebrated St. Patricks Day in a handful of years.  Not the way that I used to anyway, as I do have a whiskey usually the day of.  

Either way, it got me to thinking, do I feel old?  Or do I feel lame?  I’m not sure which is more accurate.  Over the past few years I have settled down quite a bit.  It took a DUI and a long road to fix my life (along with a boyfriend with mirroring problems) to kind of knock the bar-life out of me.   Don’t get me wrong, every once in a while (read: 3 months?) I go out and have a few drinks… but quite frankly I just don’t find it as enjoyable to go out and get shit-faced every weekend anymore.  I would much rather get up at 7am and hit up the Home Depot to grab some things for the house/yard.  So is that because I’m turning 28 (also read: 50?) this year?  Or is that because I’ve just gotten lame with my “OH MY GOD THERE IS A SALE AT LOWES!” self?  

I’m not sure, either way though I guess it’s okay.  Because here I am, wrapped up in my blanket my kid made me for Christmas, relaxing with a cup of delicious coffee.  It’s a quiet moment here in my house, and I’m really enjoying looking at all the pictures and updates on Facebook of puking/fighting/drooling on a bar table not to mention getting the low down on who did what in the bar bathroom.  So meh.  I maybe getting older or lame or whatever, but I’m cool with it. 

Ouch and Lucky Kid

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Holy crap. My body just can’t take a break lately, it just keeps beating itself up. 2 plus weeks ago I had strep which was after a Crohns flare. This week? What I thought was a back ache was actually a kidney infection.

What the hell body?! Get your act together, we have lots of plans!

It definitely frustrated me, but the one thing I got out of it was extra snuggles with my short one. Kid snuggles definitely make me feel better.

Today I was definitely jealous of the short one.  The summer camp she is attending this year does two field trips a week. Today they went to the local plant nursery and then for a picnic in the park.  So while I was sitting in my office with the window wide open, trying to get some of the beautiful weather to come in I realized I’d much rather be picking out plants than there. Sigh. Being an adult blows sometimes.

I’m definitely glad I found a school/camp that she loves so much, and the amount of hands on learning is more than I ever remember as a kid. She has so much fun with it too. She was so excited for her field trips this week she set out her clothes the night before and proudly displayed her camp shirt.

Glad my little Buddha is happy.