Anxiety & Late Night Thoughts

Standard

I managed to get a bit of my outdoors to-do list done today, or rather yesterday as it’s now 1:10am. The sun was out after a few days of a good soaking rain, so I went and dug up and turned over the soil in my five raised garden beds. I had already planted two rows of lettuce and my chives (as they always seem to be a bit heartier than the rest of my regular crops) but finished almost all of the rest of it with a little bit of effort.

In the first bed I have the two rows of lettuce, chives in a corner, and two different pepper plants. This year we’re growing bell and shashito peppers.  In the plot next to it I have two rows of cucumbers, no trellises yet as I’m going to wait for them to sprout and see what needs to go where. In the next plot I have my two tomato plants. Usually I have four tomato plants, but the last year I had a lot of food waste and decided to downsize. I chose Celebrity and a neat heirloom. The fourth plot I have two rows of green beans, didn’t place trellises there either, just waiting to see what comes up. I also have a cute little hanging pot full of strawberries. I used to have them in a little section next to my raised beds, but they were awful to get to once the crops came in, and now my lilies started taking over the area too so I opted for the hanging pot.

I still have one more plot to use, but I haven’t decided what to put in it. Usually the last plot is for carrots and radishes, but I’m the only one who likes them so I am forgoing them this year. Eggplant and Zucchini were voted out too, again because of food waste last year and the plants were hard for me to manage. We then have one long garden plot, which we’ve been growing pumpkins in, but I didn’t have the energy to dig up a 10ft by 4ft plot today. Hopefully I can get that done this weekend.

Unfortunately I was not able to mow the lawn today. Last fall I wasn’t smart enough to add oil to the lawn mower, and it looks like it seized up over the winter. I messed with it a little bit but wasn’t able to fix it, so it looks like it’s going out on the curb and I’ll be buying a new one. It just sucks, it’s one more thing on the to-do list that directly effects my pocket book.

I did have a bit of a fall today though. I was walking down the steps for the deck to go get the gas can which needed to be filled up and tripped on one of my pavers I’ve been putting off fixing. A tree root has pushed it up a bit, so my shoe caught the corner of it and my ankle just rolled. It was enough pain to take my breath away, but the pain eased a bit for me to be able to run out for gas and a drive. However I am regretting that choice now, despite some decent painkillers, it’s hard to get comfortable without it hurting.

It was nice, I was able to fill up the gas can and drive my car around a little bit. I just got it back from the shop for the second time. The check engine light has been coming on, and after $900 in repairs, it looks like it will need fuel injectors, which is $600 in parts alone. I’m going to drive it for the weekend, and then take it to emissions testing on Monday. I’m hoping I’ll be able to apply for a waiver as I can’t afford the additional repairs and the repairs total out to more than what my car is worth. So the driving today helped, I’m going to take it out a bit tomorrow, and then on Monday I’ll go get tested.

Admittedly, it’s weighing on my mind quite a bit. The car runs really well surprisingly, but if the state won’t give me a waiver for the light, I won’t be able to drive it. It’s daunting to think about, even more so that something always seems to break before I can save up any money in my emergency fund. I know we’ll figure it out, one way or another. More importantly, I know that worrying about it doesn’t help anything, yet, here we are.

So I guess, I’m going to try and get some sleep again. Good night out there.

Advertisements

.. because I’m still here.

Standard

I planted my garden today with a little help from Stevie. Apparently, I’m still not strong enough to drive those metal poles (for my cucumbers and green beans) into the ground far enough to be stable. I planted two different kinds of tomatoes, some bell peppers, of course my green beans and cucumbers (cucumber salad here I come!), radishes, lettuce and carrots. I’m excited that it’s finally warming up enough to plant, although we had a frost advisory last night.

I didn’t plant any flowers yet, that’ll be next paycheck as I tend to go a little overboard with them. Definitely looking forward to picking them out. I know I’m going to get Margarite Daisies, Snapdragons, and some double impatiens if I can find them. I have so many pots to fill, and a flower bed (any shadow loving flower suggestions anyone?). My short kid is in charge of her flower bed, so I’m assuming she’ll pick out the brightest colors she can find.

Haven’t been feeling my best lately, my Crohns is acting up just in time for World IBD Day. It’s really doing a number on my outlook/mood though. I guess I’m just frustrated that it’s limiting what I can do again, and I’ve been missing a bit of work. That, and of course, I’m worried that I’m going to make those around me upset. I’m sure my co-workers are getting tired of me being always sick, and I don’t want to worry my family. My daughter doesn’t seem too phased by it though, and Stevie is really understanding, which helps a lot.

I’m glad I was able to work through getting sick while weeding the garden earlier. I’m really proud of the fact that I was able to continue working through the pain (with the exception of a bathroom break) and get everything done. It really bothers me when I am not able to do what I used to, but I’m slowly learning how to pace myself and how to work around limitations. Although I’m pretty sure that I got a little snappy when I was offered help, but whatev.

Now? Time for some grilled pork chops (that I’m not grilling.. yay!), artichokes and baked beans. Then I shall be curling up to finish my book. Good weekend.

Moving on up!

Standard

After the craziness of the last few months, life is starting to take on a bit more normalcy. It’s been one hell of a ride, that’s for sure! For once though, I feel like I am coming out a better, happier more knowledgeable person.  

So my heart (be still my beating heart haha) is doing better. I haven’t had any more major issues beyond a couple shot lived episode a few weeks ago. I also prepared myself and learned how to cope if they do happen, and I have a prescription if things get worse again. So far no worries. Back to basic life for me. (Hopefully my EP was right and it was a short lived thing!)

I however did get quite a bit of anxiety from the whole ordeal. I think having your heart stopped and restarted in the ER will do that for anyone. So I took a first step and found myself a really sweet therapist. It’s nice to be able to really tell someone everything… something I haven’t been able to do in about 5 years. She’s helping me learn how to cope with my illnesses as well as being a single mom (again). I’m glad I took that step, as it seems to be really helping me straighten myself and my life out. She’s given me great advice from how to deal with doctors, (she even found me one when I didn’t like the new one I had) to how to take steps to stop being a doormat for people, to great budgeting ideas and resources for writing and art.

Beyond that, I’ve also been making it a point to write and read daily again. Just to get the creativity flowing. I started feeling more confident with myself just doing that.

Oh! Even managed to go a few miles at the forest preserve already. It was so nice out, and felt good to get active again. Noodle and I are just starting to work on the yard for spring (I’ve got a feeling it won’t be as easy as taking it all down for winter). We’re both excited for the garden this year, as well as planting our flowers! She’s really involved with it too!

Nood has been doing great! Grades are steady in school with good behavior. She really has stepped it up with helping at home with chores. I’m proud of my little munchkin.

I’ve also been able to start reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in forever! I forgot what having a social life is like! What I’m working on now is finding a club I want to join. I’ve been looking for quite sometime, just can’t decide.

All in all, things are going well. I hope the trend continues! It feels so great to finally feel happy again after all those years filled with doubt and anxiety! Looking forward to Spring!

Have a nice night everyone!

image

Life is like a bottle of whiskey

Standard

Crazy.  It’s been simply crazy.  To say I’m looking forward to things getting smoother is an under-statement.  At the same time, relaxing after work with a hot cup of coffee, looking forward to stuffed pork chops that the boyfriend is making for dinner… is well… happiness.  I guess all the chaos is eventually going to calm down, and I’ll be left with these moments.

So we’re mostly unpacked here at the house.  The house is in order minus a bag (the size of my goddamned self) of tupperware and some of the older short one’s toys.  I must say, it looks quite nice in here.  We ended up pitching a bunch of my stuff and moving some of his stuff into storage, needless to say we now have his nice couches and tables/bed/dresser in my house… and… wait for it… his (almost) brand new stove!  Ha.  As a thank you for him installing that, I made BBQ pork ribs once it was in.  Having the house pretty much set definitely calms down my nerves.

Other than that, just trying to get things in order.  Ry and I are both working on our past legal problems.  We both have DUI’s and both of them need to be finished up.  Thankfully I was smart enough to get almost everything taken care of for mine, the last bit of it is the Victim Impact Panel which I have scheduled for Wednesday this week.  Ryan is most of the way through his classes and is working on his community service (thank god I didn’t blow a high amount… I was rated a minimal risk, so only got 10 hrs of class, no community service, and a reduced fine).  I am turning in my payment to get my license back tomorrow and I’ll be rid of the baiid device next month. Beyond that, getting new tires for the hoopty I’m driving.  I’ve decided to keep stashing away money to get a nicer car than originally intended.  Might as well, I’m sure I can keep the Altima alive for a bit longer. :0) All I need right now is a tune up, and we already tuned up the bike for this summer so that is all taken care of.

The House?  Well, the house is coming together nicely, I feel all adult like haha.  We spent Sunday out in the yard.  Put the new lawn mower (thanks Dad!) together and away, planted my new rose bushes and bleeding heart plants right along side of my lilies and hastas.  Once we put together our new lawn furniture and hung the baskets of flowers up I nearly fell over at how nice the yard is looking.  Not a whole lot is on the to-do list for the house at the moment.  There is still 2 bedrooms to paint, but other than that and hanging up some candles it’s all set.  The next big project is building my deck, which will come later this spring.

Other than all of that nonsense, I’ve set a few new “goals” so to speak for myself.  The biggest one is to get back into reading, with as hectic these last few months have been I haven’t been reading much lately.  I have 4 books on my to-read list.  The second biggest one?  Working on my book.  I started writing a while ago, a friend of mine finally pushed me far enough that I’m going to give it a go.  I’m not releasing it until it’s done, and with the help of an editor friend of mine and self-publishing, I should be good to go when the time comes.  Writing is my world, and I’ve been told, especially for my short stories (which most of you haven’t had to bear) that I should just give it a go.  So I am.  :) Even if I decide in the future to keep my book to myself, I enjoy the writing itself.  So it’s a win- win.

Sorry for the bland post everyone!  It’s been so crazy I haven’t had time to be pissed off, much less rant about something (besides some of the republican candidates… but I’ll keep that to myself for now haha).  Hope everyone is well, and many a beer will be had for you all this weekend.  :)