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Here's 2014!

Here’s 2014!

I don’t know how it’s New Years Eve, I’m still trying to figure out how Thanksgiving already past and where Christmas went.  For Fuck’s sake!!?!  How am I 27?!?  Yeah, you could say I don’t keep track of time very well.  It seems like I just got my divorce and the short kid was just running around in nothing but her diaper and pigtails.  I blinked and short kid was potty trained, I blinked again and I found my current job.  You guessed it, I blinked again and all of a sudden I’m settled down, in a long term relationship, paying my mortgage and trying to figure out how my kid is 6 already.  So it’s about to be 2014, and I’m stuck in like 2009.  W.T.F.

So New Years.  It’s the time of year where people make silly ass “resolutions”, (usually) unattainable goals that they set for themselves that will be abandoned after the first week of January.  I’m guilty of it in years past, I’ll admit that, but it seems like as the years go on, the more I wince in regards to New Years Resolutions.

Now that’s not saying that there aren’t things I’d like to improve with myself, within my life.  I just lost major interest in setting all my goals to begin on the 1st day of the year.  The main reason?  I learned that if you set too many, or a goal that is insanely too high for yourself, it’s so easy to abandon it.  I mean, why not?  I wanted to lose 41 lbs!  I can just start that later… I don’t need to quit smoking, I can start that neeeeext week.  You have the entire year, so why not put it off?  So if there is something I want to change, I start to change it right away, otherwise I’ll just put it off.

A lot has changed these last few years.  I accomplished a lot of the goals I set out for myself.  The one goal, or I guess resolution that I’m working on is *better health*.  I’ve been at it for a couple of months now, at least seriously anyway.  Trying to eat more whole foods and less processed crap.  More exercise, cut down/quit smoking, yada yada yada.  That’s about it for this year.  Health.  This January my health insurance through work kicks in ( I can finally afford it – and not get denied ), so I will be able to see my regular doctor, gyn, and GI when I need too.  Eye Exams and finally getting to the dental work I’ve put off will be getting done too.  This year, just like these last few months, is dedicated to taking care of myself, more importantly setting a good example for my daughter.

Whatever.  I’m going to go pour myself a glass of red wine then start dinner.  These steaks won’t grill themselves.  Happy New Years everyone, take it a little easier on yourselves this year and make sure you aren’t losing too much time making yourselves miserable.  Good night!

 

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Long Days :: Busy Mind

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Please excuse the rambling, it’s been a long day.

There’s some days where I get a little bit down about having Crohns Disease.  It drags on my head, sticks in the back of my mind.  I don’t even have to be feeling all that sick.  Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder, like visiting my GI doctor for a check up, or scheduling a Remicade appointment.  Of course there are the days where I feel sub-par, and the days where I flat out feel like road kill… and ironically, those days I don’t get down at all.  I spend those days focused on making it through, it’s not until I feel better that I get down about spending that time sick.

It’s difficult sometimes to think that this is a disease that I’ll have for the rest of my life, it’s even more difficult knowing that I could be in remission for years, and it could spring back up.  Just that alone makes me a tad depressed.  However, those days that I feel 100%, which thankfully are more and more now, I feel like I can continue to take on the world.  It takes the good days to remember that I will and have gotten through it.  Crohn’s Disease will not get me down.

What really kicks me in the ass is when I have a down right horrible Crohn’s day, or if I’m just particularly down, is coming home.  I’ll be driving home from work/school/the moon and be in near tears.  Yet, when I get home, open the door and shoo away the dogs, I feel better.  Now, once I get home I realize how lucky I am.  I am proud of what I’ve done for myself and for Noodle, and now that my house is more like my home it’s an example of it.  My home is an example of what I’ve been through and what I’ve overcome.  So I may not be over the moon happy, but knowing how far I’ve come despite having a chronic illness, it shakes more reality into my busy head.

So I may have Crohn’s Disease, but that’s part of who I am, and part of what’s made me strong.

How Did This Happen!?

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When exactly did I sign up to be an adult?  Does anyone know?  I’m pretty sure I was coloring in my coloring book one minute and the next I’m paying my mortgage.  Whew! That was a fun ride, I blinked and 15 fucking years flew by.  Today, the stark realization that I’m a grown-up has hit me… at the tender age of 26.  I don’t know why it’s struck so hard, but it has, and it’s mind-boggling.

Sure, I have a 5 year old and have been making said mortgage payments for 4 years, but for some reason, I just now realized it.  I guess Adult-hood is funny like that, it just sneaks up on you, right as you’re trying to color in Hello Kitty’s stupid hair-bow with your new crayons.  I’ve never quite felt like an adult, even when I was in college, or when I had Noodle, or when I closed on my house.  Never quite felt like it, it was almost like I was acting a part.  That this wasn’t my real life, and I was just playing along.

Where I spend too much time...

Where I spend too much time…

I’m on my lunch break right now, I’ve locked myself inside my office with the intention of snooping the internet for an hour.  Oddly enough, sitting at my desk, setting my paperwork aside, that’s when it hit me.  I’m a grown up.  I have my own office at work, my own desk strewn with paperwork and a photo of my daughter in a neat little frame she made.  I will leave here today, pick up my daughter from school and go home and make dinner.  We will eat dinner, I will help her with her homework, clean up and lay down to read.

It’s not like this routine is anything new.  I’ve been doing it for months upon months upon months, but maybe now it’s that I actually enjoy it.  Maybe it’s because now every day isn’t filled with a sense of monotony or longing for a chance to go out.  Maybe now it’s because I’d rather be at home than out and about (most days).  Maybe it’s because I finally got my head on straight and stopped taking for granted the wonderful things and people I already have in my life.  I think that coming to terms with the fact that my life does have some routine in it, let me start scheduling things outside of that routine (vacations, renovations, soccer (for Nood) and such). Quite possibly it has something to do with the fact that I achieved my goals I had set years ago and I finally realized it.  I finally took pride in what I had accomplished and with that pride, I set new goals for the next handful of years.  Life is finally smoothing out enough that I (we) can move on and forward.

Being an adult is a funny thing.  It’s a funny thing I tell yah.

 

But being an adult doesn’t mean that I’m not going to go sit on Facebook for my last 30 minutes of lunch while I sip my iced coffee. :)

“I have my Mother’s Dreams, I have my Father’s Eyes…

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… You can’t take that from me, just go ahead and try” – Rise Against

There’s one thing that I’ve always lived by, it’s that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it.  If you want something so bad that your heart feels like it’s going to explode unless you get it, you’ll find a way.  You’ll work and work and strive and sweat until you get whatever it is you want.  One of my exes actually said it best (now that I stopped hating him and actually listened): “You’re spoiled.  Not because you’ve been handed everything, because if you want something you refuse to accept failure, if you want something you get it.”

It’s been a pretty good motto to live by, especially when life is hard, which in my life is frequently.  Ha, I’m pretty sure life was only easy when all I had to worry about was saving my allowance to get the most current issue of the metal (music) mag I loved.  Through out this battle which I hesitantly call my life, I’ve been told I wouldn’t get this or that.  I wouldn’t go as far as so and so.  I would fail at whatever I was aiming for.  After hearing all of that, well, if any of you know my personality, ha, I busted ass and did it anyway.  Every step in this life, at least since I was a teenager has been a struggle, and frankly I’m glad it has been.  It’s taught me that I can fight a lot harder than I thought I could and that I can achieve anything I set my (bull-headed-stubborn-ass-annoying-don’t-take-no-for-an-answer) mind to.  Life has taught me I CAN do anything I want.  I CAN own a house, I CAN go to school, I CAN settle into a career (even if I want to burn the office down daily), I CAN be a parent albeit a single parent.  I CAN do anything and I HAVE done everything I’ve set my mind to.

Regardless of how bad any situation is, no one can ever take your dreams away.  It might seem like they can stomp out your hope, but deep down you’ll still have those dreams of what you want life to be like.  All it takes is a little determination and a little ass-kicking to get it done.  Trust me, it’s worth it, even if you make it by baby steps, every single fucking one of those steps is a victory.

Now though, I’m at a cross roads.  I’m debating on whether or not I should go for another degree, I’ve been thinking on it for a while now, and have set a deadline for the decision to be by the next spring semester.  I’m thinking about maybe a Bachelors in Criminal Justice (no, I don’t want to be a cop), but I’m just not sure.  I do like the current job I have, and if the company shows me potential that I can advance I wouldn’t mind just adding some classes to what I have already.  However, I like Criminal Justice and think I could make a decent career out of it.  So I’m weighing my options.  4 more years of college?  No school and full focus on my family.  A steady $45,000 a year to do what I’m interested in?  Staying at a company I like regardless of pay.  I’m also weighing it against my other goals.  Will this put off my goal of buying another house in a handful of years?  Impact the remodeling?  Impact my family negatively?  There’s a lot to go into it, and I hate setting aside goals to achieve others.  Whatever,  I have a few months to think on it… and whatever it is I do.. I know I have the support of the boyfriend and my family.

Since I know I can accomplish my dreams, it’s just a matter of choosing which dream to hunt down first.

Comfort Food and Fuck You.

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I have a case of “The Mondays”.  You know, where you grumble your way through getting ready in the morning just to go to work where it feels like 8 hours is really 16.  Ahh.  Mondays.  The inevitable end to the chaos/relaxation that is the weekend (depends on which weekend it is).  I survived today, but being tired thanks to crap-sleep last night I was slightly bitchy.  Even my boss noticed, and I am normally bitchy (in a nice way) to him.  *Shrugs*  I guess that’s just the way I am on Mondays.  By the time someone has said hello to me, I’ve already killed them 3 times in my head.

This is my first job with “Banker’s Hours”.  I work Monday-Friday from 8-5pm, which quite honestly I love.  Every other job I’ve worked, from bartender to office in the hospital, has been odd shifts.  Actually having weekends off and a set schedule is phenomenal.  It’s nice knowing what I’m doing each day and being able to plan weeks in advance.  Finally this summer I’ll be able to plan my first real vacation, you know, the one I plan, pay for, and enjoy… and get paid for via vacation days at work.

Ahh, I guess the point of Mondays (to me) is to realize how good I’ve got it.  I always have these realizations as I’m sitting here eating my dinner of comfort food and relaxing while the kiddo plays.  I start out grumbling, telling the world to eat a shit pie, then end it by realizing there are people much worse off.  Hell, I could be living in my parent’s garage with 15 cats or something by now…. I need to quit my grumbling.  On that same note, I’ve got to give myself some credit… I’ve worked hella hard to get to this point in life.

I finally did come up with some goals for this year though, because I guess I can’t take a year off.  Ha.   So this year, my biggest goal is to continue paying down my debt.  I made some stupid decisions when I was younger, and had  bit of a problem staying on top of the water at first.  (Hey, gimme a break, single mom with a mortgage and chronic illness.  It can’t all be peaches, especially with her dead beat dad).   So I’ve made a pretty good break of it, and hope to have it all gone by summer (minus student loans).

Other than that continue to work on being happy.  Last year taught me a lot of lessons, and  minus a few minuscule (annoying) speed bumps this year, I’ve still managed to be happy.  I’ve made it to a good place in life and am proud of myself.

I am going to steal an idea from a co-worker.  I’m giving myself 1 year to turn my life into something either better.

This Winter/Spring, I am working on Letting Go.  Letting go in a general sense.  I’ve been weeding out the crap people in my life, and bettering myself by the day.  By letting go, I’m going to continue forgiving the morons that wrong me, I’m going to let go of stupid fights, and focus on the good relationships.  I’m going to wave good bye to the last bit of bitterness I hold onto regarding my past.  By letting go I plan on letting the past go.  Hopefully this summer I can get my related tattoo finished.

This summer?  This summer (besides spending too much time doing water sports and in the forest preserve –hopefully this year the boy can enjoy them with me) I plan on learning to live.  Crohn’s Disease kind of got me into this day to day thing.  Living to get by.  This summer I’m going to learn how to live.  ( A reminder I have to myself is my two swallows I got done – Life and Live – to remind me that there is a difference between just living and living life.)  I’m not going to go out and buy another sports car or anything (all though I do miss my stealth) but instead I will be living to be happy instead of just get through.  The key is enjoying the moments instead of just trudging through.

Then this Fall/Winter?  Trust.  Trust is everything, but trust has to be built.  I’ve had 3 people who I cared for hurt me in the past year.  Hell, longer than that.  It’s taking a while to realize that not every girl is in it for herself, won’t get pissed off when I excel in a different way than they are.  It’s taking a while to realize that it’s okay to have a best friend who I can tell the world to, not every one is going to tell their girlfriend/boyfriend everything.  It’s taking a while to realize that I can let people close to me, that not everyone will repeatedly stab me in the back.  I’m going to focus on trusting people again, I’m trying now, but I think after I learn to let go, then live life, it’ll be a bit easier.  Saving the best for last.

Mondays though?  Mondays can still eat my ass.  I could be a millionaire or a bum and I gauren-fucking-tee I’ll still hate Mondays.  Good may come out of them I guess, but I shouldn’t have to mentally kill 15 people to do it.  Bleh.  Is it Friday yet?