Christmas with a Flare

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Yup, I predicted it.  My Crohns Disease is fully flaring.  What is it with the holidays and this disease kicking my ass (pun intended)!?  I had started feeling better, then on Christmas eve, I started with some severe cramping.  It had been happening on and off for weeks, so I didn’t think a whole lot about it.  I just made sure that I ate really soft foods, and took it easy.

Christmas day was really rough.  I had to have gone to the bathroom upwards of 20 times.  Anything I ate or drank went straight through me, but the pain was manageable and my parents are familiar with this mess, so I wasn’t bothered by using their bathroom.  On the way home from their house, the pain ramped up again, but I was determined to not end up in the hospital on freaking Christmas.

Got everything in the house, the kiddo in bed, and laid down for some sleep myself.  I actually managed to get some zzz’s, but at some point my daughter woke me up (she woke up at 12pm thinking it was morning).  When I got up to get her back tucked in, my bowels started moving and the pain was unbearable.  I laid in bed for a couple of hours, trying not to cry nor wake up the boyfriend when I clenched up due to the pain.  Eventually I gave up and moved to the couch.

It was horrible.  I had been so determined to have a normal set of holidays, and it all spiraled out of control.  I sent the boyfriend to work, but seeing as how the pain was bad enough that I couldn’t walk, I called off of my work.  I tried to call my GI doctor’s office for the better part of 4 hours, turns out my GI wasn’t in, neither was my normal nurse.  I ended up playing phone tag with her until the evening, where she finally told me to go in for pain management.

So the day after Christmas, I ended up going into the ER and got some fluids (I hadn’t been able to drink since the day before) and some IV pain medication.  They let me sleep for a little while, and gave me a small script for pain meds for at home.

To be completely honest, I’m pretty scared and emotional about this whole ordeal.  Sure, I’ve had obstructions over the years, and that pesky fistula, but this level of pain and diarrhea?  Not since I first got sick 7 years ago.  The pain meds help take the edge off, but they make me incredibly nauseous.  I mean, if I move I have to fight back the gagging.  So I have two choices… extreme debilitating pain, nausea, or diarrhea or extreme nausea.  Peachy.

I just hate this.  I’ve been useless since Thursday night.  Despite the IV yesterday, I’m dehydrated again, so I barely even get up to go to the bathroom.  Either it’s too painful to walk, or I’m too dizzy and nauseated.  I don’t know how to make it through work like this, which panics me too.  I lost a good handful of days to Noodle’s back to back ear infections, and I don’t want to get in trouble for missing more days… even though I can’t help it.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I made it through Christmas, and what a good Christmas it was.  My daughter told me “Mom, this was the best Christmas ever.” and that made it worth it.  However, I would have much rather gone to work yesterday with my new pens and post-its, and counted down the minutes to get out of there instead of being stuck immobile on my couch, fighting tears from the pain.

This disease genuinely sucks sometimes

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Holiday Blues and a Fuck You!

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Fuck you, I’m not going to be sad this Christmas.  I’m not.  I’m not going to be depressed, I’m not going to battle the holiday blues.  Hello Christmas, it’s your friendly neighborhood atheist, and I’m full of Christmas cheer.  Most of the time, I get kind of depressed during the holiday season.  Not this year!  This is a big Fuck Off to Holiday Blues.

Usually around Christmas I miss people.  I miss my mother, my last happy memories of her were around Christmas.  She died in January, so usually I get real wrapped up in the last Christmas we had together.  I miss my friends I’ve lost, all suicides and all in the fall/holiday season.  Even as I would try to enjoy what I have now, I would get sucked into the past and sucked down into depression.

Not this year.  It’s not happening.  I’ve spent a lot of years mourning, and while there were happy moments over the years, I spent too much of my time in a funk.  This year is different.  While I’m still remembering those whom I have lost, I’m refusing to dwell on it.  There’s too much to celebrate this year, there is too much to enjoy and I refuse to dwell on people who are no longer here, and focus on the loved ones I do have.

I am excited for this year, I’m excited to give everyone their gifts, I’m jumping out of my skin.  I can’t wait until Christmas morning so Nood can open her gifts!  I think I’m more excited than she is!  Hell, I’m just excited to hang out with my kid all week.  I took this week off of work (by accident really, I needed to use up my vacation time… I’d rather take time off in the summer so we can do outdoors stuff), so I have 7 more days to spend with my monkey.  Then, of course we have New Years coming up.  I don’t have many resolutions (just to quit smoking), I’m just looking forward to starting the year off on the right foot.

So depression, this is my farewell.  I have plenty of winter to deal with you, just not right now.  Fuck you Holiday Blues, and Happy Holidays to everyone!

Black Friday – Because Thanksgiving isn’t worth shit.

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I’m up north at my parents place.  The middle of nowhere, with just my family and their cat, Max.  We came up yesterday, early afternoon, and are staying until tomorrow at some point.  Thanksgiving was technically yesterday, but we’re doing it tonight since my step-siblings just got here.  Right now, I’m relaxing with a cup of coffee, when all of the kids are outside on the ice (it’s right on a lake).  It’s calm, and oh my god, the amount of food is amazing.  It’s about family and friends, which is what this holiday is supposed to be about.

We spend Thanksgiving spouting off about how thankful we are for what we have, for who we have in our lives.  We tout ourselves as thankful people, who appreciate life and I’m sure you’ve already read 56 hundred posts about ” Things I’m Thankful For”.  Americans take a holiday (which isn’t based on reality BY. THE. WAY.) which has it’s heart in family and thanksgiving, and use that one day a year to show how much they appreciate everything and everyone.

AND THEN.  Black Friday.  Less than 12 hours after most of America sits down to eat Thanksgiving dinner, the same Americans are standing in line, before the sun is up, just to fight each other for the best deals on material possessions.  Less than 12 hours after a day dedicated to being thankful for what you have, for the people you surround yourself with, Americans are barging down isles, grabbing items out of other peoples hands, raging.  In Romeoville IL, in the rush this morning, there was a knifing, and a shooting.  All at a Black Friday sale.

Now imagine this.  This consumer fueled, greed filled day, forces people in retail to work jobs (a lot of them hate) at horrible hours instead of spending a holiday with their family.  These past couple of years, Black Friday has started on FUCKING THURSDAY.  Who needs a holiday when sales start at 6pm on Thanksgiving.  Start your shopping NOW, forget being THANKFUL, waste your money, neglect your family all at the expense of a person who now has to work a holiday in order to keep their job.

Greed is pathetic.  Do I support Black Friday?  No.  Do I blame the corporations and business owners for it?  Partially.  Unfortunately the problem is us.  Humans, Americans are so money driven, material driven that we bowl over everything else.  If we didn’t FUEL consumer black holes such as Black Friday, they wouldn’t exist.  Corporations couldn’t make money off of us so there would be no need for the biggest shopping day of the year.  Yet here we are, the day after Thanksgiving, and I’m watching the news about people injured at a sale, about *Buy THIS at THIS PRICE, a Black Friday Special!!* and about the few righteous people who lost their jobs for REFUSING to make their employees work ON Thanksgiving.

So instead of shopping this weekend, instead of running with the masses on Black Friday, I’m spending time with my family.  I’m spending time reflecting on what I do have, enjoying my family, and keeping my money in my pocket.  I do not support this consumer black hole, and more importantly, I don’t support companies who make their employees work horrid hours because Americans suck.  So while people are out in the stores, pushing each other over to get the best price, I’ll be right here, with my family, where I’m supposed to be.  I’m thankful I have this time to be with them, because back when I worked sales/retail, I didn’t.

 

 

Oh Look, it’s 2013.

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It’s New Year’s Eve.  Again.  You know, I think I’m starting to get old, I didn’t even realize it was New Year’s Eve until I hopped on the Book of Face this morning.  Crap.  How the fuck is it already almost 2013?  I just now started writing “2012” the first time on my paperwork at the office.  Damn it all to hell, now it’s time to start over.

This year has just flown by, maybe it’s because I AM getting older, maybe it’s just because I’ve been busier this year than years past.  I don’t know, but it seems like just yesterday the leaves changed color, last week, we had the AC on.  I blinked and Christmas is over.  I remember being a kid, and the entire year seemed to crawl by.  Crap.  Maybe I am getting old.

So every year, at year’s end, we all tend to think about what we’re grateful for.  We think about what we could do better in the next year and make all of those stupid resolutions.  I’m no different, this year has taught me how strong I really am.  I’ve gone through some tough shit this year and grew because of it, I closed one chapter of my life and started on a brand new (scary as shit) one.  My co-worker said it best, since I started last year, I’ve done a 180 and you know what?  I like it.

When I started making changes in my life, I thought it’d be grueling, that I’d hate it.  I dreaded ever single step I took, but I found out that each step I took made me stronger.  I like how things are ending up, life needs a lot of work yet, but I’m headed in the right direction.  This next year?  I hope it’s more of the same steps.

So resolutions.  I should make some.  I usually never do but hey, what the hell.

1.  Learn how to balance being a Mom with being every-fucking-thing else.  In 2012, I focused on fixing my “mom-skills” and being a better mom.  It’s been awesome, and Noodle and I have grown ever so close.  When you’re a “Single-Mom” or when the father’s out of the picture (even if he is is calling again – long story), every decision you make revolves around your kids.  Hell.  Normal moms often are guilty of “Well, I really want a latte, but I’m sure that $2.94 can be used for something else, (insert random kid’s name here) really wants (insert random kid item here).” In 2013, I need to learn how to keep working on my relationship with my daughter, helping her thrive, but I also need to learn to take care of myself.  Balance, I do not have it.  Haha, so I’m going to focus on balance.

2.  Trust.  In this next year, I want to learn how to trust people again.  2012 had me working on forgiveness.  I spent all year trying to let go of grudges, and accept some of the blame for my problems.  I forgave people that royally fucked me over, and people that walked out of my life.  I stood up and took the blame where it was due.  I forgave others and I forgave myself.  Now I need to work on my trust so I can work on relationships with people who are close to me.  I’ve already started that and grown closer with my parents, but now, I need to learn how to open my heart to my friends.  So trust it is.

3.  Enjoy the Small Things.  So on this Let’s-Change-My-Whole-Life trip I went on this year, I became pre-occupied with my To-Do list.  Which is no different than any other year.  I’d accomplish one thing (whether mental, relationship-wise, work, or house) and immediately focus on how much more I had to do to accomplish the next obstacle.  I spent a lot of this year worrying.  I want to spend more of next year enjoying the small things I took for granted last year.  Iced coffee by my garden, quiet moments to journal, nights out to dance.  You name it.  I’m starting early.  This morning I got up and started getting overwhelmed by my to-do list.  After Ryan went to work, instead of instantly getting moving, I sat down at my desk and enjoyed my coffee.  Now writing.  The laundry waiting to be folded can wait a little bit.  Mornings with just me and Noodle are only once a week, and she’s occupied with that horrendous furby thing so I have time alone.  (Btw, I didn’t think furbys could get any more creepy… I was wrong, 10 years later and they now practically give me nightmares.) So.  Yeah.  I will enjoy the small things.

 

So it’s about to be a new year, 2013.  I’m excited.  I just know though, that I’ll blink and it’ll be New Years Eve again.  So here’s to my best effort.  I hope everyone has a safe new years.  I’m staying in tonight, so those out there, if you drink please don’t drive, be safe, and I’ll see everyone next year.  Happy Holidays.

Holiday Cheer (blah blah blah)

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Welp.  Its almost Christmas.  Like tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  Holy shtt where has this year gone?  Much more, it amazes me how much this Christmas is different than last year’s.  Oh my how things can change, I know I talk about it every year but fukk. 

Last year’s actual Christmas was good, the short one had a blast but for me it was rough.  My job wasn’t going so well, a couple of close friends were screwing me over and life in general was fucked.  The worst?  I was dealing with it by drinking more than I should… and it escalated into January ( and thank god I tapered off after that ).  Looking back now I realize how emotionally wrecked I was. 

This year has brought many many changes, most of them good, the detrimental ones brought around goods changes in turn. 

Things may not be perfect this year but in my eyes they’re pretty damned close.  My health is on the up and up.  Noodle is doing great despite douchebag walking out on her.  I have a loving family and the sweetest boyfriend.  Not to mention a stable job that I love.  Ive lost some friends but in reality it was no real loss. 

For once I can’t wait to wake up Christmas morning and spend it with Ry and my family.

V-Day: a little lipstick on his dipstick. (Best quote yet)

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I am not a fan of valentines day.  Some people think it’s because I am single.  Well….
I wasn’t single last year. Or years before… I think since I was 16.
I don’t like it.  I do not like it sam I am.
I haven’t liked it since 5th grade when we handed out valentines to the entire class and got free candy.  Nom Nom Candy.

It’s a commercial holiday.  If you’re in a relationship you’re socially obligated to get your significant other something.  Candy, flowers, jewelry.  Blah Blah Blah.
If you’re single, you’re supposed to strive to get a date or feel down that you’re “alone on Vday”.  Uh huh.

“But Sarah, it’s just a cute holiday, a day you show the ones you love that you looove them”

But assholes.  You should be doing that everyday.

So this year was particularly obnoxious.  Perhaps because I am single.  For A WEEK before the actual holiday I was berated with:

“Who’s your valentine?”
“Where are you going for Valentine’s day dinner?”
“Do you have a date?”
“Why not?”

Then of course I got the:

“Oh well since you don’t have a date…”
“You can come out to dinner with me! I’m single too”
“Every pretty girl deserves flowers”
(sidenote: gas station quality carnations aren’t worth delivering.  However, I did give them to my neighbors, they loved them)

So.  My answer is NO.

I just don’t buy into the holiday, and getting picture messages of awesome gifts, texts about awesome spouses, and seeing status updates about sweet stuff… it got old.  After like the first 3.

So I stayed at home with my daughter and cleaned and such.  Then I had a coffee date with one of my other singleton friends.  Once we realized that morning that it was Valentines Day.  We dubbed our coffee plans “Anti-Valentines Day Coffee Date”.

We sat around drinking coffee for 4 hours.  Exchanging dirtbike/atv injury stories, ex stories, and talked about anything under the sun.  It was actually really nice and a lot of fun.

However, 6 different people now have made fun of me for having coffee with someone on Valentines Day.  6.  Attached people and single alike.  *Shrugs*  I guess people get too bent out of shape that I spent my night kicking back, drinking coffee and having great conversations.  Getting to know someone with out the rules and regulations of a hallmark holiday.

Oh well.  While people spent money eating out and buying flowers.  I snuggled on the couch and compared broken bones and scars with a really awesome person.

I think I won that one, but then again I don’t celebrate, so if you celebrate you won I guess.

Meh.

Happy VD-Day.  I hope you wrapped your dipstick. :)