Basically Rambling

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I am finally relaxing.  As I posted earlier, we bought a new (to us) washer, and of course I had to wash every little bit of clothes I owned.  Haha, let me just nominate myself for the lame-adult-of-the-year award.  The kid and I colored with some chalk, and after her bath, we made a pizza.  Thursday nights we usually do a one on one dinner, which she gets a kick out of.  Always nice to actually get some alone time with the kid and talk with her.  She’s a really bright kid, and the conversations we have always amaze me.  We talked today about money (and how things cost money so we have to save for bigger purchases) and about camp and what she likes about it so far.  I’m pretty impressed with my little one.

It’s almost Friday thank God.  It’s been a long couple of weeks.  Work has just been crazy, with the exception of today, and with the fight with my family member, it’s been pretty high stress.  Now that everything is over, my anxiety has calmed down.

I’m finally getting caught up on some work that I fell behind on with my day off on Tuesday, and I feel like I actually got something accomplished.  I’m very numbers driven, so being able to see what I’ve done each day really helps.  Hopefully things continue to calm down at work, I’m starting to feel a bit burnt out with everything.  I just keep reminding myself that it’s the season… as a coworker says, it seems like everything implodes in the summertime.

As for the fight with my family member.  I was able to text what I really wanted to say, (once I wasn’t so angry, just hurt) and for once I wasn’t interrupted.  I hope that she read it and took it to heart.  I haven’t heard from her since and I noticed that she blocked me on Facebook.  That’s fine I guess.  After talking with my Dad, and then with the boyfriend, I’ve definitely made the decision to cut ties.  If she hadn’t said certain things I might have let it blown over, but unfortunately once words leave your mouth, it can’t be unsaid.  Frankly, even if I did change my mind, I don’t think the boyfriend will… from what I understand his family is pretty upset too.  It looks like with a couple of hurtful comments, a wedge may have been driven between the two families.  Sad.  Like I was saying, I’m glad it’s over.  I’m slightly upset still, but mostly relieved.  I was able to say what I’ve been wanting to say for months, and I found out how she really feels about my disease/job/family/life.  So not only did I get what I needed to off my chest, but I was able to inadvertently find out who is toxic to me and who I need to keep away from my kiddo.   It’s odd, I feel in a way… lighter.

Beyond all that, I’m just doing the thing.  I’ve been feeling pretty run down lately, but I honestly think it’s mostly stress (which hopefully should lessen now) and oddly enough, dehydration.  It’s been pretty warm here, and with being sick, I get pretty dehydrated pretty fast.  So water and tea it is!  It looks like the weather should be cooling down here soon, so forest preserve trips are coming and I think I’m going to finally sign up for a yoga class or something.  I haven’t decided which one, but I think it would be a good (natural) way to bring down my anxiety.  Plus the benefits!  The only other thing that’s on my “personal-for-me-to-do-list” is looking into a bicycle.  I really want a beach cruiser and have for years, but you know how it goes, there’s always another place that money could go.  So I’m going to start saving up a portion of my savings (haha) to put down on a bike, since the kid has learned how to ride her bike good now, I want to be able to go on bike rides with her.  So wish me luck!

 

Anyway, this turned into more of a journal post than I wanted, but I didn’t feel like writing in my physical journal.  My kiddo has fallen asleep on her chapter book, so it’s time to get her in bed.  Happy Friday everyone!

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Looking Up (being an adult is weird)

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I’ve decided, adulthood is very very strange.  It’s definitely not as fun as I thought it would be growing up (who knew that money actually required work to get?!) but it’s not all bad (read: wine).

Our washing machine took a crap a couple of days ago.  It just stopped working, the transmission decided it was it’s time to go.  Of course, with Murphy’s Law the damn thing goes out when I have a shit ton of dirty clothes and almost nothing clean to wear to work.  I only paid $50 for the washer and dryer, so replacing parts was out of the question.  Cue anxiety.

We looked around on craigslist with out much luck, and then the boyfriend remembered that there is a small appliance store on the other side of the neighborhood.  He swung over there and found one for $230 and haggled down $80 and bam!  New to us washer!  (The best part?  The guy has a dishwasher I want too…. Ours is about days away from death.).

When I got home today, the first thing I did was start a load of laundry and press all the buttons.  It’s hilarious the things that get me all excited now… the boyfriend thought I was nuts.

So thats one less thing I need to stress about.  Work went good today too, slowly catching up from my day off.  As for the rest of my evening?  Pizza with the short one, and relaxing.  Finally.

The Universe is trying to make me clean.

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So I was sitting outside on the deck this morning, watching my dogs chase anything that happened to move.  It’s rather dreary outside today but thankfully the temperature is cool, so I can open up the house and get some fresh air inside the house.  I sat there with my coffee and realized how nice outside it is supposed to be today, and how my hike in the state park was definitely meant for tomorrow.

I went inside for another cup of coffee, trying to be quiet as the rest of the house was still asleep.  Almost instantly I tripped over an overflowing laundry hamper and the kitten playing inside of it and cursed myself for not finishing the laundry yesterday.  I started pouring coffee and realized there were dishes that needed to be done after breakfast and listened to the weather lady predict rain on and off for the day.

By the time I had walked back outside with my coffee I had begun making a list of the chores that need to be completed today… just in time to get hit with a raindrop.

Alright nature!  I got it.  Today is for cleaning, tomorrow is for playing.  Ugh.  During the weekends, I tend to do the basic chores and enjoy the outside.  I do most of the big stuff after work lately so it makes it easy.  This past week at work has been pretty hellish (I’m training a new girl), and by the end of the day I’m both physically and mentally exhausted.  The last thing I feel like doing is sorting laundry (which by the way, folding small kids clothes could be right up there with waterboarding – we should try it on terrorists).  So all week I gave myself the excuse of “I’ll just fold that laundry later” and “Legos make a wonderful decoration on the floor and a great surprise at 2am”.

So while I was planning on blowing off the chores at least until later, Mother Nature made it that much easier to do them today.  I’m okay with that… I’d rather enjoy all of tomorrow’s beautiful weather instead of being interrupted by a small child’s mess and a trip to the grocery.

*sigh*  This growing up shit isn’t as awesome as I thought it would be.

My Bitter Moment of the Day

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Today I am home with the kiddo, her tummy is upset and she didn’t get a whole lot of sleep. I picked her up from school yesterday, before she even got her jacket on she started complaining of her tummy hurting.  I didn’t think too much of it, “my tummy hurts” has become the most recent excuse to avoid trying something new at dinner.

Halfway home, her banter about how her day went cut off and a meek “I have to go to the bathroom” came out of the backseat.  “Honey, we’re about 2 minutes from home, you’ll have to hold it.”  “Okay” she said and the rest of the car ride was quiet.

We pulled into my driveway, and she opened her door right away.  As soon as she had two feet on the ground she bent over and threw up.  My mouth just dropped.  “See mom, that’s why I had to go to the bathroom.”  Pretty talented if you ask me, when I have to puke, I can’t hold it for 4 blocks.

So we got inside, with me hoping she just ate too much at snack time and she made it 2 minutes before she puked again.  She puked on and off all night and didn’t sleep too well when she did manage to sleep.  I got up with my alarm this morning at 4:45, checked on her and let my boss know that I couldn’t come in today.

I’m sitting on the couch, with a half asleep child laying next to me.  PBSkids on the tv and Noodle barely paying attention unless I go to change the channel at which she bolts awake and tells me “Mom! I’m watching that!”

She’s feeling a bit better this morning, the puking has stopped for the most part and she ate some dry cereal.  She’s just out of it and wants to relax.  Which is fine with me, we’ve been relaxing on the couch together and I’ve been getting some of the laundry done.  We’re going to try something light for lunch in a little bit.  Hopefully that goes well.

This last week has been rough on me for a multitude of reasons.  I haven’t been feeling well to top everything off, which just makes for a cranky me in general.  So each day, on my way to work I think about how everything has turned out.  I’m happy I suppose, but the grass is always greener.

– Regardless of my feelings now or anything else, I am glad I divorced A’s dad.  He wasn’t good for me, and I’m not so sure about for A either.  I am glad I took that step and I will never regret the action to have a safer, happier life.-

Life is stable over here finally.  Both Ryan and I have good jobs with steady paychecks, he likes his job which makes getting him up in the morning that much easier.  Noodle has a school in which she (and I) love, she has wonderful teachers and is thriving.

It just bugs me.  Up until a few months before my divorce, I was a stay at home mom.  In my family (this does not pertain to you, it’s not meant to offend you) it was important to me to be able to stay home with my kid(s).  I could have never predicted that my marriage would turn out the way it would and I’m lucky I’ve been employed since then, but shit.  I finally have a job with normal hours (I’ve been there for 2 years next month) so that makes life a little easier, but I’d still rather be at home and taking care of my kid.  I never thought I’d end up in the work force full-time, I always assumed that until A was out of the house, I’d be a part-timer so I could focus on her and our home.

So post-divorce I’m a working mother.  It’s just aggravating and I can feel my knuckles go white on that drive into the office.  It’s hard especially when shit at the office has been annoying me.  So I’m driving in to a job that makes me want to lobotomize myself, because of which my daughter goes to school 2 hours early and stays 1 hour late (6:30ish to 4:30ish) (which I realize isn’t as bad as it was before my schedule change but still).  I drive in to a job that I automatically lose 1/3 of my pay to the extra hours at daycare (the ex was ordered to pay half of school/daycare costs and child support, but that hasn’t happened since I was divorced in ’09). I drive into a job that I normally like, where I make decent pay (despite A’s school fees) but because of it, dinner becomes a chore, daycare spends more time with my kid than I do, and weekends are so jammed up with shit from during the week that there isn’t a whole lot of time for fun.

The topic has come up with Ryan that once he gets his raise in a couple months, that I can stay home.  Trust me on this one, there has been numerous times this past week that that seemed like a great idea.  It’s hard to think it’s not.  However, the grass is always greener.  Even if Ryan makes enough for a comfortable living, we’d still lose the money that my job brings in to supplement and save.   I wouldn’t have money for the extra things for the kids and wouldn’t be able to put money in our “going-on-vacation-finally” fund or “get-the-hell-out-of-my-house-kids!” fund.  Two things that I definitely like putting money in.  Plus with this economy, I don’t think I could walk away from a job I (mostly) like that is pretty damned stable, and rely solely on one income again.  You never know what could happen, and I know I’d regret leaving my job if Ryan ever lost his.

 

The grass is always greener, I’ll just keep repeating that.  In the meantime I’m off to get the kid in the bath and find something for lunch.

How Did This Happen!?

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When exactly did I sign up to be an adult?  Does anyone know?  I’m pretty sure I was coloring in my coloring book one minute and the next I’m paying my mortgage.  Whew! That was a fun ride, I blinked and 15 fucking years flew by.  Today, the stark realization that I’m a grown-up has hit me… at the tender age of 26.  I don’t know why it’s struck so hard, but it has, and it’s mind-boggling.

Sure, I have a 5 year old and have been making said mortgage payments for 4 years, but for some reason, I just now realized it.  I guess Adult-hood is funny like that, it just sneaks up on you, right as you’re trying to color in Hello Kitty’s stupid hair-bow with your new crayons.  I’ve never quite felt like an adult, even when I was in college, or when I had Noodle, or when I closed on my house.  Never quite felt like it, it was almost like I was acting a part.  That this wasn’t my real life, and I was just playing along.

Where I spend too much time...

Where I spend too much time…

I’m on my lunch break right now, I’ve locked myself inside my office with the intention of snooping the internet for an hour.  Oddly enough, sitting at my desk, setting my paperwork aside, that’s when it hit me.  I’m a grown up.  I have my own office at work, my own desk strewn with paperwork and a photo of my daughter in a neat little frame she made.  I will leave here today, pick up my daughter from school and go home and make dinner.  We will eat dinner, I will help her with her homework, clean up and lay down to read.

It’s not like this routine is anything new.  I’ve been doing it for months upon months upon months, but maybe now it’s that I actually enjoy it.  Maybe it’s because now every day isn’t filled with a sense of monotony or longing for a chance to go out.  Maybe now it’s because I’d rather be at home than out and about (most days).  Maybe it’s because I finally got my head on straight and stopped taking for granted the wonderful things and people I already have in my life.  I think that coming to terms with the fact that my life does have some routine in it, let me start scheduling things outside of that routine (vacations, renovations, soccer (for Nood) and such). Quite possibly it has something to do with the fact that I achieved my goals I had set years ago and I finally realized it.  I finally took pride in what I had accomplished and with that pride, I set new goals for the next handful of years.  Life is finally smoothing out enough that I (we) can move on and forward.

Being an adult is a funny thing.  It’s a funny thing I tell yah.

 

But being an adult doesn’t mean that I’m not going to go sit on Facebook for my last 30 minutes of lunch while I sip my iced coffee. :)

Clutter and Anxiety

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Hi, my name is Sarah.  I am one of the most high-strung, anxiety-filled, nut-ball people you know.  Ha.  That’s putting it in a nice way, or so says the boyfriend.  Most of the time, my anxiety kicks me in the ass and gets me moving to accomplish shit I’ve been putting off.  Sometimes though, it’s completely unneeded.

Today is Saturday.  Ry works Saturday mornings, so this is a chill morning for Noodle and I.  I tend to get a little cleaning done, but the both of us just relax after a long week of work and school and other misc. errands.

So I made my coffee, like I would any other weekend, but as I was filling the coffee filter I felt that all too familiar twinge.  My sink has dishes in it, and the trash is nearly full.  NO!  It’s Saturday, I will not rush around doing stupid chores first thing in the morning!  Absolutely-FUCKING-not!

I grabbed some cereal for the short one and headed into my room to enjoy my coffee.  Jeez, my room is cluttered.  It’s a mess!  What in the hell happened!?  I could just pick up this… NO!  I will NOT!  I can sit down and enjoy my coffee.

Coffee drinking commences.  Well, since I’m at the computer, I can update my finances.  You know, the receipts and such from the past couple days.  So I start writing them out, and tossing them in a pile.  I get up to throw them away and oh!  I can toss this too!  Lets take my little trash to the kitchen trash and OH! I need to take that out!

No! NO! NOOO!  Good lord have mercy.

So at this point, I’m back in my chair.  For the ump-teenth time.  My anxiety has made my blood pressure rise.  Even though I’ve tried to control it, I already have a list of stuff that I need to get done.  I’m going to sit here and write and enjoy my coffee even if it’s making me twitch.  That’s it.  Simple.

Clutter.  For some reason, clutter and chores give my anxiety a run for it’s money.  I’m not sure why, but it’s always been like that.  If my room is clean and organized, I can relax.  If I have a basket of clothes to put away it sets me on edge.  If there is shit on the floor I’m already getting weird.

I don’t know, I guess it works in my favor, but SHIT, I wanted to have coffee in peace.  Off to clean.

Missing in Action : Motivation

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I got off of work this afternoon with some grand scheme of cleaning the house and working on my projects.  I picked up the Noodle from school and made a quick stop at the store and headed home.  Ryan is working a temporary second job tonight, so I have the house to myself (with Nood of course).

I fixed Noodle dinner and cleaned the kitchen, then while Noodle read before bed I put away the laundry I neglected from the weekend.    I started the coffee and poured a cup.  The first sip had me thinking of sitting and working on my scarf or writing.  I picked up the living room and put the kiddo to bed and my motivation just disappeared.  I refilled my coffee cup and am now relaxing on the couch, watching NCIS and relaxing.  Motivation just vanished, but I suppose that’s okay, there’s not much left to do and everyone deserves a break.

I am hardwired to be neurotic, I don’t mean to be, but it just comes along with the “high-strung” gene I’m sure I have.  I spend a lot of time making lists of the things I have to do.  On my way to work I think about anything I’m behind on, the things I need to do before I leave, and the things that I’d like to do if I have time.  On the way home I make a list of things I have to take care of in the house, home work I need to work on with Noodle, dinner, and anything I can fit in before bed.  I keep my days full and busy, and try to stay on top of everything.

The downfall of that is that I end up stressing myself out.  I try and be “supermom” and the house-keeping-nazi.  Things that should be enjoyable, turn into just another chore on a list and by the end of the day I am a big ball of nerves and stressed to the max.  The time I should be taking to myself, I end up trying to cram another errand in, or you know, “I can clean the bathroom real quick”.

So sometimes, once in awhile, I catch myself doing that.  Then, on nights like tonight?  I take a break.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s not horrible to take a night to myself.  So that’s exactly what I’m doing.  If you don’t take a break, you end up driving yourself nuts, and not enjoying the little things.  It’s not worth it.

 

Trust me.