Strawberry Ale

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Saturday night, day one of a much needed three day weekend.  Monday, I am off work… initially it was out of necessity.  It’s Columbus Day (aka: lets-celebrate-genocide-day), so the kid doesn’t have school… and on the major school holidays, daycare is closed.  So I requested the day off, because being myself, I don’t have many other options for childcare.

Either way, as the days counted down to this weekend, work got more and more stressful.  Each day that inched by, the more depressed I got.  The more anxious, the more upset.  It’s just been… hellish, especially after working late nights for god knows how long.  Friday, I lost it.  I finally found out what burnt out feels like, I thought I had experienced it before, but quite honestly I hadn’t.  Every little thing was setting me off into tears, I felt like I was on the borderline of an anxiety attack all day.  (Hello, new prescription.)  It was one of those days where I had to go outside, and solidly convince myself that deep down I *do* like my job, and that while my paycheck is no longer 100% needed, I like having that income.

It was bound to happen.  I knew it was coming, and quite frankly, I’m surprised it came with tears instead of screaming and storming out.  Friday straight up blew.  However though, when I’m stressed I tend to say what I mean, instead of sugar coating it, so I got some of my thoughts off my chest.  Despite the tears, at the end of the day, I actually felt better.  On the drive home, I thought about what I wanted out of life, out of work and out of my home.  I put some priorities in order, and let me just tell you this: my family comes first.  Hearing my boyfriends views on it, and knowing I have his support regardless of what I do with work helps.

Cue: Weight off my shoulders.

So, this weekend, I’m taking for my family.  This Monday is a Noodle+Me day.  I’m enjoying every minute of it.  I know that I have some work I really should get to, especially with corporate coming in next week.  This weekend though?  I’m not doing it.  I’m not checking emails, faxes, lates or anything.  I need this, and I need time.

Today wasn’t quite fun filled with the morning dentist appointment, but watching scary movies with the short one this afternoon was nice.  Right now, I’m relaxing with a Strawberry Ale (mighty tasty I might add) and writing.. while fending off complaints from the child that she lost her charger for her tablet.  Tomorrow?  I don’t know what’s going on, but I know I’m spending my morning in bed until I feel ready to get up… and the day?  Relaxing.  Monday?  I think a bike ride with the kid, and lunch out.

Moral of the last week (year)… family and self comes first.

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Because I’m here… and you’re there.

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I admire many people.  I look up to them.  I look up to some very wonderful people, some that fit into today’s standards of “normal” some who dwell outside of it.  I admire these people for the effect they’ve had on my life and for a connection we made either repeatedly or years and years ago.  I admire these people because they exist, because I can relate, they can relate or because they are there.  I look up to people I haven’t seen since a cold night a decade ago, or the other night sharing a thought just because.  I admire people for what they are, what they’re living through, and what they can share, and what I can share.  I admire and look up to you.

Maybe I admire you because of a song.  Listening to an old song, in a cold garage together taught me that I can get through it.  It taught me about shared pain derived from very different circumstances that weren’t very different after all.  It taught me that I can fight through anything, that a song can save me.  You taught me that I am alive, and that I have to fight to stay that way, and sometimes it’s a simple as a song.  I learned that music can save my life, even if I can’t save yours.  I look up to you even now, because I understand what happened, and you understood me.  Things that we didn’t share personally, things that were not the same, often could be linked between us with music.  It’s a simple connection that can save a life, and as you learned, could destroy it.  I admire you despite the noose in the garage, and I admire you because of what you taught me.

Maybe I admire you, maybe I look up to you, because you fight.  Because you defy what your own body has limited you to.  I admire you for doing what you want to do, what you set out to do, purely because life has told you “no”.  You do it anyways, I can understand that limitation, I know what life has limited me to, or rather tried to limit me to.  I admire you because you fight it anyway, and even though the world says “it’s impossible”, you refuse to embrace it, and do what you want anyway.  I look up to that, because the fact that you fight your own body every day means that I can too.  It means that I don’t have to give in, and stop trying.  That I can accomplish things despite it.  That I can go ahead and move on, even if I’m scared to.

Could it be that I look up to you because I know the very feeling that I can see in your eyes?  Could it be that remember that feeling, that dive straight to the bottom, and I remember the fight to STAY at the bottom because self destruction is ever so fun.  I remember that fight.  I look up to you because you thrive, even though you shouldn’t.  I look up to you because I’m different, and you’re different, and yet we’re still here.  I look up to you because I remember, and I have my own pain.  That feeling I can see, that emotion, that haunts your eyes, I’ve had it too.  I’ll have it again. The reason may be different, or maybe in reality it’s the same.  I can relate.  Maybe I can relate to the ENTIRE THING, or maybe it’s a small thread of what had been, would could’ve been, what will happen.  I look up to you because you exist, and you’re still here.

I admire you because of a flower.  A simple wildflower.  I admire you because you taught me that something simple can change a life, can move you forward even as your clinging to your past.  I admire you because that simple goddamned flower made me realize that life is still there, even as I was fighting against it.  That stupid flower died, and I kept living, long past the smile it brought me.  I admire you because you live for the simple moments, the smiles, the simple connection that everyone else deems insignificant.

I admire you because you can express yourself in ways I cannot.  You have paint and canvas, you have pencils and napkins, you have screams and songs.  You have things I do not.  I am limited to words, and sometimes the words refuse to come even thought my fingers ache to create them.  I can look at the mess you’ve made with paint, glue, and graphite.  I can look at things, I can hear things I relate to even when I can’t create myself.  Everyone gets blocked, but I look up to you because you create differently than I do.  Perhaps it’s envy, but maybe it’s also needing to know that other people are still creating.  I look up to you because I can write, but you can create in color and depth.  I can create words that stir my soul (maybe others?) but my words are limited to what I want to share.  You share them with the world, while I hide mine.  I admire you because you’re not me, and I can still find myself in something you’ve created.

Maybe I admire you because you have the balls to leave it all behind and start fresh.  I could do that once, and I did, but now I have roots and cannot.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to, but I do enjoy watching others restart what they’ve made.  Maybe it’s because you’re not afraid of change, because I’m not either, because we embrace it.  Maybe I look to you because I no longer desire immediate change, but can appreciate the need for it.  Living vicariously?  Not quite.  More like remembering the feeling.  Remembering the past, and watching it replay through someone else.

I admire you because of our past.  Because of your past.  Because of my future.  I admire many of you for reasons you’ll never understand, and while you may not want someone looking up to you, you don’t have the choice.  It’s my choice to make, and even though it may rock you to your core, you don’t have to let it.  Or maybe you should.  You should let that realization that the choices you make, the way you think, or maybe what you did a decade ago has indeed impacted someone else.  Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s someone you’d never suspect.  But regardless, I admire you.  For reasons I understand, and reasons I do not.  For reasons that maybe I’ll never know.

Frustration and Cold Coffee

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Something has been itching in my brain these past few weeks.  It’s been making me feel restless and frustrated, and while having a brain-eating-worm might not be so much fun, at least there’d be a direct reason.  It’s most likely just the changing seasons.  You know, the warm days and chilly nights?  The beginning of fall/end of summer always seem to make me feel… like I said, itchy.  Twitchy.  Something.

 

Little Noodle is now officially a 1st grader.  My little girl rides the school bus, has recess and brings homework back in her new little backpack.  She seems to be having a lot of fun, and according to the email I received from her teach today, she’s doing great.  I’m definitely proud of her, and happy for her as well as a bit in shock.  When the hell did she turn 6?  When the hell did she become old enough for school (she was in private Kinder, it just didn’t hit home as much as now)?  Ahhh, the years of diaper changing and bottle washing are behind me… just like potty training.  There are many more years to enjoy, but I have a strong feeling that the other parents are right.  These years are just going to fly by.

 

So maybe that’s it.  Maybe it’s that I’m coming to the realization that my kid is not only growing up, but growing up quickly.

 

Work has been frustrating me, which is nothing entirely new.  The last couple months have had me wanting to tear my own hair out… or quit.  I still love my job, quite a bit actually.  I enjoy doing what I’m actually supposed to be doing, but lately it’s just been irritating to no end.  It seems like I end up picking up a lot of the slack, and while I admit I’m good at it, that doesn’t mean I want to do it.  It’s been hard lately, we have such a good team, but it still gets mucked up.  Just like I predicted, the office/shop seem to be spontaneously combusting.  I called it, I called it 8 weeks ago.  Hell, I even raised the warning flags to both my higher ups, but it’s still combusting at will.  The sad part is, is that I’m actually getting worn down.  It’s not that I can’t handle my job, because I most definitely can, but that combined with cleaning up after someone else’s mistakes, I’m making mistakes.  To know that someone else makes a good salary and bonuses, doing the literal job I wanted (since management removed the *one* thing I didn’t want to do) and manages to mess up enough to create twice the work for me pisses me off.

I guess the what *really* frustrates me about work, isn’t really all I just puked out above.  It’s that I’ve gone to management twice each now and nothing has changed.  It’s that I *know* other people have brought up problems, and no resolution has come about.  More importantly?  It’s that I swallowed all of my smart retorts, I did all the extra work, I smiled and taught/re-taught/re-re-taught when needed.  It’s that I did *MY* job for a whole two weeks and trusted someone else to take care of things and all I got out of it where a shit-ton of mistakes, pissed off stores and customers.  I had 2 weeks of glory, of only doing what I was supposed to be doing instead of fixing shiznit and double checking.  I figured sink or swim.  Well, that someone else sank but didn’t drown and now I’m stressed again.

I talked to my parents about this, and while my lovely step-ma agreed with me and came up with some wonderful ideas… I think my pops may have it more right.  “You can love a job, but it doesn’t matter, eventually you get a boss who is a moron screws up everything…and no one will listen.”  So while I’m valuing my step-ma’s advice (and actually putting some of it in motion), I’m heeding what my Dad had to say and keeping my options open. I’m glad I have a job, a job that deep down I love, but that doesn’t mean I am going to sit back and enjoy someone else running each day into the ground.

 

So that might be it too.  I get a headache just thinking about it.

 

Life at home is good though, thankfully.  I think I’d lose my mind otherwise.  Ryan and I hit our 2 year mark sometime last month (no, neither of us remember the date) and… well.. life is happy.  The house is shaping up and so is the yard, and my house is most definitely feeling like a home… like my sanctuary.  It’s amazing the difference in just living somewhere and living somewhere you have made into a home.  It’s one of the best feelings there is.  I’m very grateful that if I have a crappy day at work or anything negative for that matter, that I can come home and feel relieved.  I can kiss the boyfriend, pet the cat and dogs and snuggle my kid.  The kiddo is finally happy too, especially now that her bio-dad stopped popping in with random phone calls.   It sounds cold, but after another 5 months of not hearing from him, not a single peep about him from my kid, and seeing her smile and laugh, I am thrilled.  When he was calling before, her behaviour was rough and emotions crazy.  Now that it’s back to normal, she’s her happy self again!  I’m really hoping he realized how much he was hurting her before, because it was intense.  I was miffed when I found out this whole time he’s been out in CO, he’s actually been running around getting married and having another kid ( I mean, christ, he doesn’t pay for his other 2! ), but you know what?  Maybe he’s happy now and can finally let us be happy.  I hope so.

 

So, things are far from bad.  Just some stupid-shit at work mostly… but I don’t think that’s it.  I just feel antsy and almost stagnant.  I just have to find something else I want to tackle.  Improving my credit (and saving money) isn’t enough of an obstacle.  I think I just need to set some new goals to work towards, and find another way to deal with the stress from work so it continues to stay out of my home life.  Eh, I’ll come up with something.  Winter’s coming… that leaves a lot of time indoors to putter around and work towards goals.