Caffeine Fueled Honesty

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Rebuilding self-esteem. It’s like running up hill, underwater, drunk, and if you’re unlucky, naked and with a target painted on your back. Once someone tears you down, it’s ever so hard to get back on the same playing field.. or anywhere even remotely near it. It’s like trying to quit smoking by snapping a rubber band on your wrist.

Before you realize what happened, you’re hiding bits and pieces of yourself that you’ve been taught are damaged, or annoying even. You’ll apologize for things that don’t need apologizing for. You’ll keep thoughts to yourself, because you’re so scared, almost terrified in fact, that if you let those thoughts out, you’ll scare people away.

All that’s left is this shell of a person, feeling frustrated, down, depressed, and hurt. It’s just this shell that dislikes so, so many things about itself, that it desperately wishes it could change. It wishes it could change it’s hair, it’s weight, it’s health, it’s mannerisms. It wishes it were different. Just a shell.

 

 

 

Over the last handful of years, I’ve had a hard time with myself. I “learned” that things that people once loved, were actually obnoxious, annoying and embarrassing. I had been told that I was too loud, that I should stop debating, stop arguing, and “not get so riled up about political issues”. I had it forced in my brain, that taking a down day (during a flare, or even an every day cold) was selfish. That laying on the couch was lazy, even as my insides spilled onto the floor. After a while, my brain believed it.

I embarrassed my friends and family when I became passionate about something. I picked on people too much, it was okay for people to pick on me, but fighting back was wrong. No one likes a girl who stands up for herself. That when I was sick, I inconvenienced others. That I shouldn’t complain, I should just deal with it, because it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. I learned that I made people miserable, especially on days when I couldn’t drag myself off of the couch. That I ruined my friends and family’s weekends when I didn’t want to something my body wouldn’t tolerate.

 

Time went on. I started to keep quiet. I stopped debating, I stopped arguing, I stopped discussing world events. I kept my opinions about my books, and the world around me inside my head, more and more. I withdrew. Things that I was once known for, quirks, even character flaws if you will, I started to apologize for. If I got sick, I was sorry. I was sorry for everyone who had to deal with me. If I got loud about something I cared about, I apologized and immediately felt embarrassment flush across my cheeks. I stopped teasing the people I cared about, I stopped showing my personality at home and out with friends. Oddly enough, the only people who really saw the real me, was my co-workers. I hid from everyone else. I even started hiding from myself, picking myself apart. Disliking who I had always been. I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed at not only my changed body from all of the medicines and years of disease, but I didn’t like myself anymore.

Complete honesty here folks, which I’ll admit I haven’t let on my blog for a long time. Just remembering how I used to feel.. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I felt like a shell of a human being.

 

 

Then all of a sudden, I was alone. It was just me and my beautiful daughter. My daughter who looked up to me, my daughter who has the same mannerisms, and one hell of a similar personality. If I disliked myself, did I dislike her? What was I teaching her.

One day I was out with my friends, and I made some horrible joke and someone I didn’t even know laughed. I opened up a little bit more. I started to meet people for coffee and drinks, people I’ve known for years and years, and new people. People who liked my quirks, as well as my friends in the chronic illness community. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, the old me is in there somewhere. Maybe, she’s not that bad?

 

Over the last handful of months, through the holidays and then through my heart-scare, I started focusing on myself. I started to try and re-learn to be.. well.. me. I’m not perfect, in fact, I have enough flaws to cover my entire county. However, what I’m slowly learning is that the most beautiful things are flawed. Eternally so, and that family and friends will love you despite those flaws. I’ve been working on my self-esteem, and my self-worth a lot, and in the process have been learning a lot about myself.

I’m not there yet. I’m not back, I’m still a few blocks away from the old me. I realized this, again, last night when I started apologizing for crap that had no need for a “I’m sorry”, much less an explanation. I’m still guilty of shutting my opinions up in my head. Most importantly, I’m still working on being open about being ill. I get scared that my friends will leave when I get sick again (although in reality, no one left who was worth spit in the first place). I get scared that new friends, will not understand, that they’ll bail when I come clean. For months now, I’ve been forcing myself to be open with everyone I meet, that I potentially could see a friendship with, about being sick. I’m learning to tell my family when I need help, or when I’m having a hard time. It’s a learning curve, all of it, but I’ll get there because it’s worth it. No one should have to feel like a shell of themselves, no one should doubt themselves that much, and no one should have to feel the kind of emptiness. Cheesy as it may be, but everyone is different, we all have different battles we’re fighting, and we all have different quirks and personalities. What I wished I had learned a long time ago is..

.. if someone doesn’t like who you are, if a person doesn’t support you, from family to friends and everything else.. kick their asses out on the curb.

 

‘Cause nobody got time for that shit.

 

Haha.

 

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Come on Spring!

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Every little taste of warm weather gets me even more excited for Spring. I have so many things I’m looking forward to that it’s beyond ridiculous at this point. After everything that’s gone on in this past few months, it feels like I have a fresh start.. at pretty much everything. So I guess that’s what Spring is to me this year, a figurative new leaf, a fresh start, everything.

So this year I’m going to be doing the garden all on my own, and quite frankly I’m thrilled. In the next week or two I’m going to go buy myself an asparagus plant, hopefully I two year one if I can find it. I’ve been meaning to plant asparagus for years, but I’m too impatient to wait for it, or I talk myself out of it at the last second. When I put that plant in the ground, I’ll probably go ahead and put in my first round of radishes and lettuce. I’m not sure what else will go in the garden this year, definitely green beans and tomatoes, maybe some peppers and carrots, but beyond that I’m still debating. When my ex was still maintaining the garden, we kept planting things we really didn’t eat a whole lot (eggplant, broccoli) and I really don’t want to waste the space this year. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out soon I hope. Haha.

Moving on. So the ex came and picked up his dog the other day. A small part of me misses that stinky old hound, but the stress in my house has decreased significantly. Dealing with two dogs, one of which was a stubborn nose-driven-beagle was just too much for me with everything else that’s going on. One more dog is much more manageable for me. It has it’s perks too. I let Thumbs stay out of the crate at night now, and she’s much happier and I’m sleeping much better now too. I had always crated her with Zoe because I’d feel bad putting one dog in the crate and leaving the other out. Zoe though couldn’t be out at night or anytime we weren’t in the room since she’d have accidents in the house and rummage through the garbage can every chance she’d get. Beyond that, it’s much more convenient now to go take a walk with Thumbs. With both dogs, they’d both go every which way, and pairing that with my motor mouth child, walks were far from relaxing. Now, my dog just does her business, and Noodle and I talk while walking. We’ve made it a goal to walk at least 4 times a week. So far I’m loving it. The mild exercise paired with the lower stress in the house is really helping me keep my head in a good place.

My birthday is coming up as well. This year is the big 30, which to me feels like 40 but who’s counting. I’m not as effected by the number as I thought I would be. I mean, I’ve already hit most of the milestones my age group is going through right now, years ago. So I guess it’s not a big ole thing. Not sure about a mid-life crisis yet either, I’m pretty sure I’m mentally 80 years old as soon as I get off of work. I’m content with a book, my journal and some coffee or tea. The rowdy night out is a rarity, and has been for a while. That’s fine with me. I always thought I’d be upset about turning 30 though, and honestly, I keep forgetting about it. We’ll see. I know Noodle is more excited than I am, but beyond that I’m not sure if I’m even doing anything for my birthday. Who knows!

Work is going well, same shit, different day, and I’m still there so that’s a bonus. I’m working on writing more, but haven’t been able to really drill anything solid out. I’m still on the hunt for a group of some sort to join, but I’m not really finding anything I like yet. I did find one group the next town over that’s something along the lines of books and brews at a local pub that sounds fun, but I haven’t had a chance to check them out.

My health stuff is basically stable, my Crohns pops up here and there, and my heart hasn’t given me the finger lately. Feeling quite a bit better with my anxiety and such as well, but all of that is a work in progress I guess. Just glad to finally be feeling more normal and.. gasp.. dare I say.. happy? I guess not being told how much of a horrible person I am damn near every day helps. Whodathunk?

The kiddo is doing great! She just brought home another report card earlier this week. She’s still getting straight A’s! I’m really proud of her, and that’s honestly an understatement. She’s doing so well in school, and has really stepped it up with helping out around the house. She’s about excited for spring as I am. I think I’m going to get her a new set of roller skates as a gift for her report card, and to give her something to do outside. The kid not only beats me out in smarts, but she’s still hella more agile than I ever was. I swear, she keeps me on my toes.

That’s about it I guess. Planning a big vacation with the family later this spring, but beyond that, it’s been pretty laid back and relaxing. It’s been interesting finding peace again, and honestly, I can’t help but to say that I’m content with the turn my life has taken this past year. I’ve learned a lot, faced a lot (especially the heart issues) and came out better for it. I guess.. cheers to spring! Let’s see where life takes me now!