Relationships and Tolerance.

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Almost everyone has standards (albeit some of them have extremely low standards), we have standards pertaining to jobs we’ll accept, behavior from our children, and how dirty our homes can get.  We have standards for friendships and what I’m writing about today, we have standards for our committed relationships.

Being a single girl out and about is most definitely amusing.  The different types of guys you meet will blow your mind and if you’re lucky (or unlucky enough) you’ll have that wonderful opportunity to compare two men who are making chase after your single self.

You’ll think about them, you’ll compare.  “Well (insert guy here) is way more my physical type.” (<- Meaning, his ass is FINNNNNE) “Well (insert guy here) he seems like a bad boy though, (insert guy here) will probably treat me better.” “(Insert guy here) has a good job and his own place, and (insert guy here) is gorgeous but do I really want to pick him up every single time?” As well as the inevitable, especially in smaller towns – “Well my friend said (insert guy here) is a player, do I want to risk it?” or “(insert guy here) said he cheated on his ex, do I want to risk him cheating on me?  And (insert guy here) has the approval of the girls.”

Comparison.  We decide what we want in a relationship, out of a guy we’re considering committing ourselves to.  We might give up the (oh my god need a new pair of panties) good looks for someone we’re sure is a sweetheart.  We might turn down the date with the sweet guy because he isn’t financially as secure as we are (admit it girls, most all of you, especially ladies with children, ex-husbands and houses…. are you really going to date the guy who lives with his mom and doesn’t even have his own car?).  We might take a risk and date the bad boy because… well simply? We can sleep with him, but why not date him so we can sleep with him multiple times?  Helloooooo ripped abs.  We decide what we want, what we’ll forgo, or tolerate to get what we want in a man.  We decide ultimately our future relationship problems.

We tend to lower certain or some standards to get the end result we want.

Lets analyze my fucked-up-love-life-past shall we?

I actually don’t have too many standards, but the ones I have I stick to the majority of the time.  I said majority, not all the time, so lets apply these to my fail of a marriage.

My two biggest rules are : (call me a bitch for the first if you like)

You have to look good.  Not perfect.  Good.  I want someone who looks decent and more importantly cares about how they look.  I want someone who puts in effort to their health and appearance (and therefore our sex life).  You don’t have to be the hottest thing out there, but I’ll pass on the beer gut and greasy hair.  Oh and brush your teeth please, and while your at it?  Smell good.

I want commitment.  I don’t trust people easily, and seeing as how I love attention myself I don’t commit easily.  I’ve enjoyed being single and dating , playing the field, and have passed up on some very promising relationships because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit… because I wasn’t ready to give up “the single life” and the chase that comes along with it.  I don’t want to commit myself to someone who can’t commit to me.  If I can go as far as to delete “my collection” from my radar, I expect a man to be faithful to me.

Now with my ex-husband, when I met him he was decent looking.  Far from gorgeous (sorry T, I totally wasn’t digging the teeth) but he kept himself the best he could.  He did his hair when we went out, he wore nice clothes, and eh, I didn’t have to be drunk to want to sleep with him.  As far as he said, he didn’t cheat on his girlfriends.  He didn’t commit unless he was sure he would be with that person.

Well, the physical attraction didn’t decline right away, (however it sure did towards the end )but I proved myself to be a very stupid girl in the latter regard.  Tim never did cheat on me, that I can prove anyway, but he was more attention seeking than  myself.

I won’t lie, it’s flattering as all get out when someone-who-is-not-mine hits on me.  I’ll accept drinks and flash my smile and enjoy the compliments and attention.  However, I do not go seek this attention.  (If I’m committed) I have my man, and I get enough of that with him.  I just enjoy the attention.  Eventually when it comes up “Well yeah, I have a boyfriend.” or “As tempting as it is, I can’t give out my number, I am seeing someone.”  Anything beyond that in my book is cheating.  Strict as that is.

Shortly before T and I got married, I found something on my computer.  Well beyond porn, because frankly I don’t mind that, I enjoy that, and hell… I’m not going to be uh… in the mood all the time.  I found a couple dating sites.  One on inkednation.com (I think) and another hook-up site.  My fiance, the man who was supposed to love me was on dating sites.  He posted several posts looking for “women in the lake county area” and “women looking to hook up”.  He messaged females, cyber-sex, trading photos and so on.  I never caught him in the act of meeting up with someone because I immediately flew off the handle and ripped off his face.

But for some stupid reason, I stayed.  Hindsight, that was an indictor that he would never be satisfied with just me.  Little did I know, in the beginning months of our relationship he was seeing Kelly (Yes, Kelly from the previous posts) at the same time as myself, and then on top of the dating websites (which apparently never stopped), continued to talk to her and look at her pictures.  For a while I was mad at her (hell, I am again, she KNEW he was married to me) but I now put the blame on him too.  As far as I know, he never met up with her, or anyone else (I could very well be dead wrong) but that brings us back to the original point… I view dating websites, hook-up sites and any attempt at going outside of a relationship (even if there is no follow through) as cheating… which means there is no true commitment.

I should have run because one of my biggest standards wasn’t met… if I can keep my pants on (virtually and real-world), my man should keep it in his pants.  Yet I stuck around until it ultimately had a hand in the end of the relationship.  Hindsight I was stupidly in love and wanted my white picket fence..wanted it enough to drop my standards… and look where that ended me.

 

So back to standards.  In a relationship we know what we want and what our standards are.  We know our past experiences and failures and build our standards on that.  Then we get in a relationship, and we decide if our standards are met, or in worse case scenario to forgo said standard to be with someone.

I guess what I’m getting at ladies, is when it’s time to start thinking about this, you have to think about the risks, the end results.  Ladies with one marriage (or more) already under their belts will be more familiar with this than anyone else.   Do you raise your standards?  Do you compare and contrast?  What if this new man doesn’t meet the bar completely, is it worth the risk?  Is it really wise to make the same mistakes over again just to risk getting hurt because you see potential in someone?  I want to know what everyone thinks on this one, I find it very interesting, and of course have been here myself.  Comments are welcome!

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Opposite. Different.

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Attract.

 

I’ve been told I’m an “acquired taste”, which I’ll take as a compliment fuck you very much… and that I’m slightly abrasive.  I know I’m a bit quirky, and that makes it hard for people to get along with me for extended periods of time.  I mean hell, who really wants to hang out with the chick who makes you want to stab yourself in the eardrum in under an hour?  (Don’t all raise your hands at once now, form a single file line to the left…) I’m extremely outgoing and active.  I’m the type of girl who loves to be the center of attention (usually for humor reasons) and therefore end up motivating groups of people to do something.  I don’t have a filter between my brain and mouth and most of my thoughts are derogatory, perverted or just plain bitchy.  I like to be in charge, and I like to be loud about it.   I am very independent and hate to accept help from anyone, (would anyone like a side of pride with that?) and shockingly enough love helping others.  While I’ll most likely inadvertently insult you, and your mom, I actually really worry about making everyone happy.  I’m in your face 24/7 whether you like it or not.  I’m an Extrovert in the true sense of the word and an Aries to boot, the word dominant and alpha-female is putting it lightly.

Usually the only people who can tolerate me for long periods of time are people with similar personalities, and quite honestly, I get along best with them.  It just works out that way, we irritate each other, threats of violence are made and then we’re on to the next conquest (after I prove I’m right that is).

Not with relationships though.   Don’t get me wrong.  I am attracted to the man who holds everyone’s attention, even my own adhd attention span, but in reality, I’ve never had a successful relationship with someone like me.  In fact, every guy I’ve ever dated who even remotely came close to being as dominant as myself, every pseudo relationship I’ve had with an uber-dominate has backfired.  Like Hiroshima backfired.

You know what relationships have worked out long term?  Ended well?  Whatever?  Relationships with guys who are my near polar opposite.  Men who are laid back, where as I am high-strung.  Men who tend to stand back and watch (and laugh) instead of insisting on the spot light.  Men who don’t have much of a temper, where as I have a short (read: non-existant) fuse.  Men who create a calm balance with the chaos that is my life.

I don’t want to imply that I’m attracted to submissive men, because in reality I’m not.  There is nothing more sexy than a man who will stand up for what he believes in, say his piece and fight with me when I’m wrong.  I’d break a door-mat type of guy, not only break, but shatter.  I’m just saying I’ve only had destructive/unhealthy relationships with men who are uber-dominant/similar to my personality type.  I guess, in my case at least, I’m attracted to my opposite.

Now on that note, I’m feeling kind of old, stereotypical, like-a-fucking-hallmark-card for saying this but… Opposites Attract.  Why is that exactly?  I think it may have something to do with our sub-conscious need to have a balanced life, especially at home/in the love department.  I always (up until recently) figured I was only attracted to the out-going-douche-nozzles like myself, when in reality, when I look back at my love life, I’ve only dated a few.  Most of my dates/relationships/flings have been with introverted guys, calming, laid back guys.  Guys who have personalities that compliment mine.  It’s taken me to my 25 year to realize this, but hey, at least I figured it out now… after I spazzed out on the boyfriend and he remained calm the entire time.  haha.

Now my question would be:  Do you think the old saying “Opposites Attract” is true for the majority?  For yourself?  I need input people… INPUT.  Chime in!

 

Skittles

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Sitting in my kitchen, wrapped up in a huge fuzzy robe that Ry gave me, thinking.  That and listening to the mutt chase her own tail.  It’s been one hell of a day, and I have a lot of random shit on my mind so I’m just trying to chill out before I go lay down for the night.

So I drove my car today, for the first time in a month.  Yup, you heard right, the almighty creep is mobile yet again.  After work today I went and had the Baiid Device installed in my car.  The little thing is actually pretty cool, the only part you see is the actual part you breath into, and it’s about the size of a old-school Nokia phone.  I drilled the installer on how it works and different facts on it because quite frankly, I think it’s pretty interesting.  Regardless of my nerd tendencies, that little tiny hand held machine is allowing me to drive again which is a plus.

On that same note, I was thinking about it earlier, the month’s suspension went by really quick and for the most part (minus the ride fiasco with Jason and Tracie) I only had one issue with not having a license.  The Grocery store.  I am a foodie at heart and randomly want to cook things, usually things that don’t make much sense and that contain ingredients that I don’t have on hand.  So that was a pain in the ass, not being able to run to Jewel and grab some stuffs, but other than that?  I honestly enjoyed most of it.  It took a lot of pressure off of me to go out on the weekends, run not-needed errands and not having to worry about gas or mechanical issues with the hoopty.

Getting back in my car this afternoon amped up my stress level almost immediately, but I figured whatever. I picked up the Nood and headed home to shower and back out to Ry’s house since I hadn’t been there in a while.  While it was nice to let the kids play an of course get some attention from The Boy, I found myself just wanting to be at home.  I know some of it is from feeling like crap today (Crohns is acting up) but some part of me wonders if maybe being car-less made me appreciate my own house a bit more.  Something most definitely worth some more thought.

Either way, I’m home now, relaxing and planning on calling it an early night.  I’m pretty sure the 6mp I’ve started is wearing me down a bit, the past couple of days have really dragged and I just feel out of it.  Blah.

In other news, I got to take a peek at the ex-husband’s facebook via a friend’s today.  It’s nice to see that while he hasn’t contacted his daughter since Father’s day, much less paid his child support that he still rocks a picture of him and her… from 08. That really irked me, it makes me wonder what he’s telling people.  I’d put money on “Sarah’s a bitch and won’t let me see Noodle.”  Either way, E friended his new girlfriend.  Looks like I called it ladies and gentlemen.  He truly did family-hop again.  From what we can tell he lives with her and her kids, is unemployed and is spending a fair amount of time partying.  I called it, Tim saw a free ride and jumped on it… like he’s done a few times already.  So much for “I’m going to work in a tattoo shop, live with my buddy and I’ll come back in a few months.” not to mention “I’ll call Noodle constantly, I’m not leaving her behind.”  I just rolled my eyes so hard I gave myself a migraine.

So you know what?  Since Tim has disconnected his phone, blocked me from his fb and doesn’t call, I emailed his sister asking for contact information and explaining, briefly, that we haven’t heard from him since Father’s Day.

I want to get a hold of him and see if he’s just going to permanently stay out of Noodle’s life.  At this point, that’s what I want.  I don’t want him popping in and out between girlfriends/free rides, that’s what he does, and I refuse to let him screw with Noodle’s mind like that.  I’d rather him stay away while she’s young so she can lead a somewhat normal childhood.

Either way though, I want to know what’s going on.

I also printed out the paperwork to file for child support/assistance.  It’s about time.  Tim hasn’t helped out besides once since we split… in 2009, and you know what?  Noodle is his kid too, regardless of whether or not he feels the need to see her.  His facebook had too many comments about partying for me to feel pity, if you can afford to buy a girl a bottle of jameson, you can afford to pay your court-ordered child support.  Christ, he’s only ordered to pay $75 a month anyway, only a dead beat would flake out and not pay on that.

So it’s time to kick his ass into gear legally.  I’m sending off the paperwork tomorrow morning and stopping at the courthouse hopefully sometime this week.  I am asking for a raise in child support and since he’s also ordered to pay half of childcare (which he’s never done), I want what he owes.  Thankfully for me, I have every single receipt for it, my daycare also has all the copies, apparently they have to print them out quite a bit, when dad’s flake out on helping out the moms.

No more door-mat Sarah.  I did the best I could to help him out, and he still walked away from his kids here to hop on another free ride.  I wish he’d grow up but apparently he’s forgotten he’s now 35.  Shame.  It’s out of my hands now, I’ll let the state handle it.

Sidenote:  I hope this new girl he’s found doesn’t get scammed like me and P did.  I have a feeling that she’s heard the same stories he told me, as well as P.  I have nothing against her, unless she’s encouraging him running from his responsibilities, so I hope she’s smart enough to escape.

On that note, I’m worn out from thinking about it, time to kick back for a few and get ready for bed.

Goodbye my Almost Lover

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This is an open letter to all of my Old Loves and all of my Almost Lovers;

Dear You,

I’ve spent years growing, changing and becoming the person I am today. You broke my heart, over and over again.  I’m re-learning how to date again, I’m re-learning trust and compassion.  I’m re-learning touch and affection.  Each heart-break taught me valuable lessons, while they cost me many tears, I learned more about the world and ultimately myself.  I want to thank you all for helping me become the person I am today, all of my flaws included.

You. You taught me that I should expect respect from my boyfriends family.  Your family treated me with the upmost respect even when you were too busy thinking with your dick.  The best thing I learned from you, wasn’t actually from you.  It was from your Dad.  Your dad taught me that even as a girlfriend, no one should disrespect me.  He taught me that I had a role in the household and there for no could talk down to me.  He taught me that you should have stood up to your other family members but in the mean time he did it for you.  He taught me that my boyfriend should defend me and stand behind me.

You.  You taught me to value working class ethics.  You taught me that a man should work hard.  I watched you work two jobs as I worked two jobs.  You busted your ass, even if it was just to make sure I couldn’t give you shit.  You paid your bills, you paid your way, I didn’t have to cover for you.  You taught me to value working with my hands, you taught me to respect others who do the same.  You reinforced the idea that anything I wanted to achieve I could through hard work.  You taught me by doing it yourself.  You also taught me that that same hard work has to go into a relationship.

You.  You taught me that it’s okay to be dominant.  You taught me that sometimes my personality is too strong.  You also taught me that sometimes I have to sit back and let someone else take the wheel.  You taught me that sometimes I do have to “drive”.  You taught me to try to even myself out, even if I don’t succeed.  You taught me that the effort is what matters.

You.  You taught me honesty.  You taught me to be truthful and expect the truth.  You taught me that some people hide their feelings.  You taught me that sometimes, no matter how much you try, you still love someone else.  You taught me heartbreak, almost lover, you taught me that sometimes wanting someone you can’t have is even more painful than any break up.  You taught me that a kiss and kind words don’t always convey the truth.  You taught me that people lie and omit.  You taught me to raise my standards.

You.  You taught me pain.  You taught me that violence is not acceptable, especially from someone who loves you.  You taught me strength.  You taught me fearlessness.  You taught me courage.  You taught me patience.  You taught me forgiveness.  I forgive you.

You.  You taught me that I can’t wait.  I can’t put chances off because they won’t always be there.  You taught me that I have to seize the moment and take his hand.  You taught me that I can only make someone wait so long before they give up.  You taught me to see what is standing right in front of me.  I learned that as you slipped through my fingers.

You.  You taught me how to let go.  You taught me that no matter how much I love someone I cannot stand in the way of their dreams.  You taught me that it’s up to you to include me or even choose me, but that I need to stand aside and support you.  You taught me that fate is real and we just weren’t meant to be.  You taught me to never regret the past, you taught me to cherish the memories.  You taught me to live in the moment.

I am who I am because of all of you.  I learned how to love myself when no one else seemed to.  I learned to raise my standards and dream.  I learned to stand alone when needed to be, and I learned to let go when I had to.  I learned to start again because of you.  Thank you.

 

This is the noise that keeps me awake.

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I don’t know how to start this one.  So bear with me, I promise it might make sense.  Maybe.  Or I’m talking out of my ass again, which is extraordinarily likely.  You know, early mornings and such.

Do you?

So sitting here this morning I was going through my text messages and responding to all the drunk retards from last night, and he popped in my head.  I got used to my good morning texts.  Then I realized something, something I haven’t felt in a long time.  A wave of something.  What is that?  I couldn’t quite place it.  When I thought of him, I missed him.  The fact that he popped in my head for no reason surprised me on it’s own, actually missing someone after only a couple days?  To say the least it really caught me off guard.  So now the question stands, does he think about me too?  I wonder if he’s missed me yet…

New relationships, pseudo or official, crushes or infatuations, really are confusing.  I forgot how much, as it’s been a while.  Years.  I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, the last, even possibly remotely relevant relationship I have to go off of was Nick… but that was just different.  I knew it would never develop into anything because of the whole moving away thing.  So there was none of this.

When I was a teenager, I had two relationships.  I had many dates, but only two people I cared for.  I don’t remember much about the beginnings of those relationships, and I most definitely don’t remember this feeling.  I remember the downfalls, but not the infatuation that started it all.   Maybe I’ve time traveled back to when I was 16.  Maybe this is that retarded feeling that you hear about from high school girls.

I just have to say, it’s not a bad feeling, even if I’m not used to it.  There’s that fear that I’m setting myself up to be hurt, but for now, I’ll just drink my coffee and enjoy it.

Socially Stunted

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I swear I just want to scream.  I would if it would help me be productive, but it won’t and my neighbors will just think I’m weird.  -er.   So today I feel like an asshole.  I inadvertently put one of my guy friends on the spot after getting put on the spot myself.  Then in the 20 minutes that took, I pissed off another one of my friends. 

Today re-affirmed the thoughts in the last few days about me being socially awkward.  So it occurred to me that I had no idea if one of my guy friends had any interest in me, as I do him, after being asked about it.  So I do what I do best.  I asked point blank.  The answer is no.  Which is completely cool, but I feel as if I fucked up. 

I hadn’t really put much thought into that one.  Was just going with the flow, didn’t expect anything and was just enjoying a friendship.  Sure there was attraction but I was more concerned about whether or not I’d have a friend who’d want to do some of the things I want to do (see:  ranting about not finding people who have interests outside of the bar).

So now that that is out there I feel like an ass.  I got the answer I was expecting about where his heart lies, but I guess I also expected more of a go-with-the-flow attitude like myself.  Which is disappointing to be honest, but life goes on.  But most importantly I’m afraid I just pushed away a friend.  I don’t want anyone to feel awkward around me, which happens so often it’s ridiculous, for many reasons.  I don’t know.  My head is all in shambles and I feel like an ass for pushing the question when I wasn’t concerned in the first place. 

I don’t understand why after 25 years I still muddle up my social life.  I just don’t get it.  I do. not. understand.  I came to terms with my timing sucking a long time ago, but come on!  Screwing up two friendships in one day?  I feel like I can not catch a break.  I gave up looking specifically for someone (in relationship terms) a long time ago and just going for lasting friendships.  But I can’t seem to functionn right.  I say the wrong things, I bring up the wrong topics, I stick my own foot in my mouth about things I don’t even concern myself with.

My other friend asked me if I wanted to go out this weekend.  I told her I was down, but quite honestly didn’t want to be the buffer between her and her boyfriend.  She freaked out.  I was just being honest.  I want to go out and have fun, not being the medium between a constantly fighting couple (seriously why be together if there is so much anger) and apparently I’m a cold hearted bitch.  I’m sorry.  So she’s pissed and not answering her texts.

But you know what? She pisses me off all on her own.  She has a great guy who would do anything in the world for her.  She constantly picks fights with himand makes him miserable.  Why be together? Let the boy go so he can be happy.  Seriously.  Then again on his part, I’m tired of the whining.  Obviously the relationship isn’t working, just quit it.  Love is eternal, but the best lesson I’ve learned is that love does not have to go hand in hand with pain.  You deserve to be happy too.

That’s it. I found my pretty distraction.  I’m crawling back in my fucking cave.  Hopefully friendship A will be okay and shit will go well.  Hopefully Friendship B (sub C) will get her shit straight and stop using me and abusing her man.  Until then I quit.

 

 

Timing is everything. I suck at timing. See: My life.

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Timing is everything, and as always *cue sad trombone* I totally suck at timing.  I really really do.  It seems like I meet some really great guys at the most inopportune time.  Hey, remember all of last year?  Yeah.  Timing fail.  Great memories though.  Now?  I’m just kicking myself because apparently The Universe, or The Powers That Be, or God or whomever, whatever doesn’t want to let me sync enough with it to get a chance at some one great.

This last one, seems like such a great guy, really really caring, and we have a lot in common.  Definitely seems like cool people.  Could definitely see getting along with him, not to mention there are very few people that I really enjoy their company that much.  Meeting someone I can actually talk to is phenomenal, plus someone that was cool with coffee in my kitchen instead of the pub is so few and far between these days it’s ridiculous.

Sounds great right?  Ha.  The Universe is mocking me.  It really is.  See this guy just got out of a long term relationship and his head is not in the right place, lots of feelings for his ex.

Now this is where I should apparently be angry or throw my fist in the air and declare that I am woman hear me roar and chase after him or some shit.  While he definitely is worth the effort, I don’t want to.

First off, I know the feeling very well, I know how it is to be hung up on an ex and want with everything in my whole being to get back together with them.  We’ve all been there.  Or most of us have.  I remember that all too well with N.  It took me months to get over that… point being that I wouldn’t want someone chasing after me then.  I didn’t.  I tuned out anything and everything for some time and then attempted to rebound.  I know the feeling, like I said.

Second off, I’ve spent my life chasing people.  I have.  I hate to admit it but I have. It’s taken me a long time to learn this but this quote is one of the ones I live by.

“You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.”

And another one of my favorites is:

“If I’m not worth the chase, that you’re not worth the fall”

What it comes down to, contrary to popular female belief, is that if you’re meant to jive with someone, it’ll happen.  If something is supposed to develop then it will.  There’s no point in trying to chase after someone who isn’t ready for something himself.

So there’s no worries. The Universe is just kicking me in the girly bits again. As always.  Just teaching me that there are good guys out there.  Teaching me to be patient and wait.  Teaching me to keep my standards high and my morals higher.  In the meantime though, it’s definitely let me meet plenty of cool people and meet some potentially cool friends.  :)

 

 

All of this nonsense though, makes me want to shake the shit out of females.  This girl has a catch and she just doesn’t realize it.  It’s a shame that he’s hurting because of her, and I hope either she stops and lets him heal or realizes what she could potentially lose.  Jesus woman!  lol.