The Importance of Feeling.

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Feelings. Sure, I claim that I don’t have any, or that I have just one left. However, they are there. For me, I stuff my emotions deep down inside and rarely let them out. I’ve built up my walls so high to keep everyone out that the only way I can keep from exploding is through writing (unless I have writer’s block.. then it’s all downhill from there).

Unfortunately for a lot of us in life, we get hurt after sharing what’s inside of us with others. So walls get built, and walls get reinforced as we get older. I’ve had a rough couple of decades, so my walls I built are basically impenetrable. It’s been a major issue in past relationships. I have such a hard time communicating, but it seemed as though as soon as I’d let some real emotion out, it would come back to haunt me.

So I try and pour all of that rough unbridled emotion into pages of a journal. Or if I need to express myself and I didn’t see a way around it, a letter directly to someone. It always seems to help to let the words flow through my fingers and get it all out. However, it’s not as good as just telling someone.

There’s a different feeling there, being able to tell someone that something hurt you, or that something scared you. Being able to just spill it all out. It’s refreshing to let people see that you’re not “the strongest woman” (or man) that they know.

I was at my breaking point yesterday. I was in immense pain, from pretty much all of my joints as well as my chest and stomach (IST and IBD). The pain was so horrible I was having a hard time keeping the tears back in front of my daughter. Then to pile on the financial stress (because I’ve been so sick lately, I’ve missed work under FMLA. Daycare is very expensive even if I work overtime, so missing work put me in the situation of paying the mortgage vs daycare, food vs. daycare, Christmas presents vs daycare. So after 2 months, it’s up over $1000, and frankly I don’t see a good way to fix it) it just broke me.

I went home and holed up in my room with the intention of writing in my journal. Which I did, I wrote page after page after page. Yet, no matter how much I spilled onto paper, I didn’t feel any better. The pain obviously doesn’t go away with writing, but I was hoping if I could get rid of the turmoil and stress snowballing in my head, I might be able to handle the physical pain.

Then Jon came in. He had visited me on lunch, and I had basically hopped out of the car because I thought I was going to cry. He came in the bedroom, and gave me a hug and I just lost it. I don’t know if it was because I was in physical pain, or what, but it all just came pouring out of my mouth. Everything, with tears and all. Over the course of 20 minutes, all my demons roared out and I just let it go.

After a little while, I felt better emotionally, and was able to deal with the physical pain. We didn’t find a solution, and I still don’t know what I am going to do to catch up on my daycare bill, but I have ideas to cut the costs in the future. Either way, I was able to tell someone else what was bothering me/scaring me (losing my daycare.. losing my job) and I felt a lot better afterwards. I was able to talk for a while, and then take some pain pills and get a little sleep.

That was a good first for me. I don’t open up to anyone, usually. It’s something I’ll need to work on in the future. I don’t want to muck up this relationship with my communication issues, so I’m really going to try. Either way, knowing that not everything is on your shoulders, that you’re not the only one carrying the weight is a feeling I want to feel again. I’m just glad I have a partner willing to help me take on the world.

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A bit jaded, but not broken.

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If you had asked me a year ago if I’d be in a relationship now, I’d have broken the nearest chair to stab you with a shard of the leg. If you had told me I’d be falling asleep smiling and waking up to a good morning text every day, I’d have laughed at you. My, oh my, how your life can change in a short year.

More than a year ago, that wreck of a relationship Ryan and I had ended. It ended brutally too. I had caught on that he had been cheating on me for about a year (I’m guessing), and when I confronted him about it, he left. Not only did he shred my trust, but he hurt my daughter, as he was a father figure to her. To top it off? He took pretty much everything out of the house, from furniture all the way down to the ranch dressing and peanut butter.

At the time, I was heartbroken, especially having to face replacing normal household things right around Christmas. It was hard, and I was very cynical, but my friends, family, and coworkers (my 2nd family) rallied around my daughter and I and made sure everything was replaced and we had a wonderful Christmas.

Still. I was pretty intent on staying single. I had a couple pseudo-relationships over the spring/summer. One of which, almost 5 months later requested that I give back a gift he had given me to track my heart-rate (because of Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia) in order to get back some books I had lent him back. The other one, stole my medicine and was a closet drunk! Trust me, it was fun (sarcasm, if you couldn’t tell). Regardless, no feelings were hurt on my end, beyond a touch of anger. So coming into the end of summer and fall, I was content to just be me.

I continued to enjoy my solo evenings with a cup of tea, and the random beers with friends. Hanging out with my kid, and keeping up with chores. Wasn’t looking for anything. However, as the saying goes.. when you stop looking, is when someone steps into your life.

Enter stage right; Jon. We’ve been dating a few months (? – I’ve never been good at keeping track of this kind of stuff) and for the first time in my life, someone is showing me exactly what my daughter and I deserve. From the way he includes my daughter in everyday things, to the way he helps around the house for no other reason than he is there and I deserve the help. I’ve been blessed with a man, who (not only isn’t on the sex offender registry haha) works, takes time to see me, and does simple things to show me he cares, like stopping by my work because I said I needed a hug.

It is unbelievable to have someone who doesn’t treat my “sick-days” like an inconvenience, or throws my fatigue in my face. Someone who puts as much effort into every day things as I do. While he does buy me little things he thinks I’ll like, he doesn’t try to buy my affection with extravagant gifts. He’s a grown ass man, who understands, that if he gives me a gift, it’s out of kindness, and he doesn’t expect anything in return. (Word to the wise guys.. just because you buy a girl something, doesn’t mean she has to like you or have sex with you. Just sayin’.) From my mopey-depressed-I-hate-everything days to the I’m-on-top-of-the-world-don’t-need-anyone days, he’s there, and he’s got my back.

Now I’m just working on fighting through some of my baggage with relationships. Surprisingly, I haven’t had many thoughts or worries of him cheating on me. When I found out Ryan cheated, I immediately imagined throwing literal baggage into my brain. Cute little suitcases with skulls and flowers on them. So meh, I’m not arguing that, just chalking it up to being too lazy to worry about it. However, I do apologize for damn near everything. The last couple of years with Ryan, he spent complaining about me. From how I cleaned, to being sick, to having a down day or even how much or little I worked. So now, if I have a mopey day, “I’m sorry” slips out before I even have a chance to catch it. It’s still just a habit. Jon lets me know that I have nothing to be sorry for, but still.. it’s there. I even catch myself saying sorry, or flinching about stupid shit that used to start a fight, but I know it’s silly. I’ll get over it at some point. Finances? Even though we’ve only been together for a few months, I still feel compelled to explain where I got the money for a gas station coffee. Through the thin times (when just I was working or when Ryan started working and bitching about paying his share) Ryan and I would fight because I’d scrap together change for something for me. I manage to catch myself now, because god dammit I deserve a coffee once in a while, but I still get mad that that’s a habit I have.

I just keep thinking, so this is what a normal relationship is like? No anger, no yelling, no belittling, no gas-lighting. No probation officers, he can take my daughter to school if I’m sick, or come to the park with us. Child-related crap doesn’t just fall on me. Hell, far far far down the line, if we ever bought another house, or if he was interested in buying property with me up north, we can buy anywhere.. not just 500 ft away from schools. For Christ’s sake, there’s been no bomb falling like “oh by the way, your house is going to be on the registry now”. There’s no staying out all night coming home with hickeys and such. There’s no drinking behind my back, no missing meds, no expectations of more with a gift.

So here’s to something good, something that will hopefully last. Am I bragging? Maybe. However, after the shit I’ve been through in the past 15 years? I’m going to enjoy this wonderful person who fell in my life. Why the fuck not? It’s about damn time.

 

xx

Twas a 4 Day Weekend..

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So today was the first day back at work after 4 days off. The prior week we also had a long weekend, and only worked 2 days. Lets just say it was a lot more needed than I originally thought. The stress from work and every day stuff had really been building up, and I hadn’t noticed how bad. So it was bliss. I could tell the difference while I was driving into work this morning, (Stevie goes in before me.. haha) I wasn’t making a list of the things I’d need to take care of, and my shoulders weren’t up to my ears. It was very fun, and very laid back and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Thursday, my family came over for the short one’s birthday, in addition to two of her friends. It was so relaxing just to chit chat, have some beers and grill (the new grill rocks!) while the kids tore around the yard. Noodle LOVES her new bike, and is having conniption fits over all her other toys and clothes. She had the biggest smile on her face the whole day! Birthday Number 9 was a success!

Friday was for relaxing. Just took care of some things around the house, and then Steve and I sat outside and had some beers with the neighbors. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, I adore that family. They are like my second family, and if they end up moving this year, I don’t know what I’m going to do without them.

Saturday we had Steve’s uncle and aunt over for more grilling. Noodle went and played next door and got spoiled. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time. Seriously, it was one of those laughing fits where you know there’s a distinct possibility that you might pee yourself. I absolutely adore his family so far, which is a bonus!

Sunday, we worked on the yard and garden. I had already planted, but I wanted to weed again, thin the radishes and put my tomato cages up. We cleaned and organized the shed, put my AC units in, and finished up the house. The end of the weekend was spent sitting on the deck for dinner and enjoying the beautiful weather. My little Noodle was at a sleepover, so it was a kid free evening too!

Seriously, it was a wonderful weekend. Between my daughter making me smile, and Steve making me smile, I don’t think I got grumpy at all (well except before my morning coffee, that’s a given). I can’t wait until our mini vacation next month, it’s going to be great.

I do have to say that I’m really happy with the way things are going with everything. The house, work, Noodle, my relationship with Stevie. Everything’s pretty smooth. It’s been a while since I’ve been consistently happy. I’m glad life took this turn, it’s about time. :)

 

Summer Time and the Living’s Easy

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I am so incredibly thrilled that it’s warming up outside! It seemed like Winter was lasting forever and Spring would never come. Just to give an example of how wonky the weather has been, we had a freeze warning on Mother’s Day, which is usually the day we can start planting.

Either way, now it’s almost June and it’s finally not so damn cold. The garden is growing, the yard looks good. I still need to add some flowers, but it’s getting there. We’ve been using the new grill too, and with the deck umbrella out, all I need is an extra large glass of iced coffee.

School is out already too, the short one’s district let out early so they could start on construction in the school, so she’s thrilled and bouncing off of the walls. Summer camp starts soon, and she’s been outside with the neighbor boy almost every day lately. I could definitely tell that she was getting tired of being cooped up in the house with all of the rain and gloom outside.

Speaking of school being out, I can’t believe my short one is going into the 4th grade this fall. Time really does fly, and she did so well this past year too. Now if I could just get her to do regular chores, life would be golden. Ha.

So beyond all that, and a Crohns flare, things are actually going really good. Steve’s been helping out a ton, and work is going good. We’re going up to the lake house I think this weekend, and I can’t wait. It’s so nice to go up now since we can bring Thumbs with. When I was still taking care of my ex’s dog, I had to find a dog sitter since she had so many problems.  Potty-ing in the house, howling, chewing, food aggression.. you name it. Thumbs? Well my family can’t get enough of her. She’s so well behaved now, she doesn’t even need a leash up there. Getting out and up north is now stress free.

Oh and for you nosy girls that I call family, yes. I started a new relationship. Started dating Steve, a guy from my shop. It wasn’t intentional, as I wasn’t looking for a new relationship,  but it fell together with the prompting of friends/his family.   I’m a happy girl to say the least, it’s like I found an old soul, with old school manners.. and those of you who know me personally know that’s right up my alley. He makes me smile, and now a days? That’s important.

Honestly, if you had asked me a year ago if I’d be this happy with life, I would have laughed at you. Things aren’t perfect, they never are (mainly my health, but meh, you can’t win them all) but I’m definitely content. I feel like I’m finally finding interest in things again, doing what makes me happy. I spent far too much time living under someone else’s thumb, basically being miserable, it feels so good to finally be me.

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As for this summer, I’m just winging it. Definitely spending more time up north, and with family. It’s been nice reconnecting with friends too, and I do want to take a long weekend out to visit a few friends on my list. The biggest thing on my to-do list is continuing to do things that make me happy. Whether it be reading my books, writing more, or getting myself lost in the forest preserves. A bicycle is in my cards for this summer, now I can finally get one (and seeing as how Noodle’s birthday present this year from Steve and I is a new bike … and roller skates from me.. I’ll need something to keep up with her!) and take the short kid to the trails. Oh and can’t forget the concerts on my list. It’s going to be a great summer!