The Plight of Parenthood

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I remember when I first brought my daughter home from the hospital. It was the middle of the night, I was in immense pain, and I had a screaming infant in my arms at 2am. My shit bag of an ex-husband slept through it all, including the my own screams for help. So as I tried every trick I could think of, while sobbing and terrified that I would somehow fuck up that little being that was struggling in my arms.

That pure terror still exists 12 years later.

I’ve spent the last 12 years trying to do the best I can. I’ve admittedly made several mistakes, as all parents do, but my end goal is an aware, well adjusted young woman who stands up for what is right. There’s always that uncomfortable feeling that you’re doing something wrong. There’s that terror, that somehow you messed up.. that maybe that one time you grounded them you messed up their outlook.

It’s even worse when you’re tasked with helping to raise someone else’s little girl.

It pains me to be the one to teach a little girl about how to take care of her body. It saddens me to be the one to break it to her that the world isn’t the nice little place Sunday school had her believe. It’s thrilling, yet incredibly sad to be the one who teaches her how to ride a bike, roller skate, and play sports. It enrages me, that I am the one who has to advocate for her mental health, physical health and social skills.. not her mother.

When you spend so much time beating yourself up over your parenting, it’s incredibly difficult to see another parent ignore, neglect and refuse to parent their child. Being inadvertently handed the job of teaching a little girl everything she should’ve learned from her own mother in the last 9 years, and being forced to cram it into one summer is absolute bullshit. It’s even more daunting to know that a vast amount of what you’re able to teach and expose a child to will be undone with inattention, ignorance, and laziness over the course of 6 months.

It’s like trying to cram all of the anxiety of parenting over the course of 9 years, into a single summer.. knowing damn well that it’s just going to start all over the next summer. Unfortunately though, all you can do is try your best. It’s incredibly difficult not to lash out at the biological parent who is dropping the ball, who is ignoring their own kid and refusing to face the struggle of parenting their own child. It’s just rough.

Here’s to to raising someone else’s kid. Here’s to hoping that I can pick up the slack. Here’s to hoping I can help undo years of damage with the help of therapy. Here’s to hoping.

 

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Wheezing costs money

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Being a single parent sucks sometimes, hell, being a single parent with a chronic illness really sucks, but that’s neither here nor there.

My little Buddha has been wheezing up a storm lately. We know she’s allergic to cats (not much to the little black fur-ball of hell that we own, but other people’s cats) and when she gets a cold, she immediately feels it in her chest. She’s past the freaking out part, but has a hard time running around and sleeping despite all of the old asthma tricks I know.

So anyway, on Friday she was wheezing, I chalked it up to asshole cat sleeping on her face or something, but it didn’t go away, so I kept her home. Thankfully we have some prescriptions from her doctor, that should kick it in the butt pretty quickly, so there’s that positive note. Unfortunately, even though I met my prescription deductible, the short one did not, so that was the rest of my money and then some.

This is where I’ve struggled the most raising her on my own. Between childcare (which is 1/3 to 1/2 of my paycheck), to every day things like colds, it kicks me right in the bank account. It doesn’t help that I miss days due to my own illness, but I always somehow figure out a way to make it work.

Honestly though, it’s times like this.. where I’m shit broke before Christmas, that I get angry at the sperm donor. Both Noodle and I have LONG gotten over him disappearing to make more babies in Colorado, and I prefer he stay the fuck away at this point, but Christ. He toted to everyone that he was such a good dad, yet since he’s left.. nothing. Not a single dime of child support, no health insurance for Noodle, and he’s supposed to pay half of daycare. I know he’s occasionally paying his other “baby mama” here, but nothing. Yet the fucker goes off and pro-creates again in another state. Man, I sure do know how to pick em. Ugh.

Whatever though, as most of you know, my kid is wise beyond her years. Back when she was 7 she picked up that her dad was a scum bag when one of the kids at school explained what a dead beat was. She understands, she accepts it, and she’s understanding of the fact that I do my best to cover both parental roles. The benefit of all that, is she is a very grateful child, and she understands money more than most kids her age.

It still sucks to have to count pennies and pick bills to pay around the Christmas Season. When all is said and done though, I’m proud as hell of the fact that I’ve been making it work this far. Noodle will grow up knowing that I took care of her on my own.

Monkey See, Monkey Get Felony

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Kids.  You know, the little tiny innocent squirmy things that you bring into this world?  Accident or planned, they still depend on you, not only to take care of them but to show them how to act, how to be a decent human being once they’re out in the real world.  Kids.  Those same little boogers that pooped on your carpet during potty training, those little ones watch you and learn from you as they get older.  A child’s parent is the first person they learn from, and it takes years to unlearn what you have learned through though your parents.

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes in parenting.  I know I’ve made plenty, but I try to do the best I can.  My daughter is the biggest reason why I straightened up my life after my divorce.  I was heading down a dark path straight into the bottom of the bottle, and it was realizing this and knowing  my daughter would grow up thinking my actions were okay, were normal that made me turn myself around.  Now, thankfully, all I have to worry about is the short one taking my very tasteless jokes to school… or quoting horrible comedy.  Quite possibly making a off-colored comment about boys in skinny jeans.  I’m trying, but somethings I can’t help haha.

So then you have those parents who have doomed their children.  You know exactly who I’m talking about.  For instance… I watched COPS last night after buddha butt was in bed, as I occasionally do for kicks.  This was something along the line of “Stupidest Criminals Pt 5”.  It included two couples who were literally coming to blows over who owned a car.  It was quite humorous, 3 rather large females screaming at each other and this one scrawny white boy trying to not get killed in the white trash crossfire.  I was laughing my ass off when one of the females opened her bag and accidentally showed the officer her “bag o’ green” and was promptly arrested.  I stopped laughing when one of the other females pulled a toddler out of the car.  So she’s running around, trying to swing at the other women and scrawny man with a kid on her hip.  I turned off the tv.  Why the fuck do people do that?  Why do they put their kids in the middle of that shit?

Your kids grow up thinking what they see at home, or with their parents is acceptable behaviour!  That is reason NUMBER ONE why I divorced my ex-husband.  I didn’t want her growing up thinking that two people that hated each other, violence and emotional abuse was a normal marriage.  What your kids see, is what they are going emulate when they grow older!

Another instance.  Buying, selling, and doing pills in front of your toddler.  Getting drunk, fighting with your husband, until one of you ends up in jail, in front of your toddler.  Yelling “I hate you! Stupid mother fucker!!” in front of your toddler.  When your 3 year old, turns around and says “I hate you mother fucker!” to his daddy, don’t you dare act all surprised.  When your 3 year old doesn’t blink at one of you being put into a cop car, that says something.  When your 3 year old, thinks jacking another kid in the face is okay because “mommy does it”, you have a problem.

What you do, is what your kids will turn to.  Why do that to your children?  Yeah yeah yeah, insert miscellaneous reason here: Poverty, Abuse, Drugs, Etc Etc Etc.  You know, there’s only so many excuses you can make.  Get a job, get a divorce, get in rehab or fuck up your kid.  I took one look at my child, and made a path out of my marriage.  I took one look at my child and turned my life around.  Better late than never… but christ people.  Raise your children, give them stability, and be a good parent!  The rest of us have to deal with your kids when they grow up, so please raise them right!