Winter – Depression & Crohns rear their Collective Heads

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Winter has always been rough for me. My depression and anxiety tend to get worse, usually from late December until spring. Usually my Crohns Disease acts up (my anxiety levels up my symptoms) as well. However, I tend to look at it like this: There’s no better time to be sick and depressed than winter. Why? Because fuck the cold and snow, that’s why.

It’s not big deal though, although I hope my (few) friends understand why I’ve been so distant lately. Sometimes it is just hard to push through the brain fog. So for now, I’ll remain cuddled up on my couch with my books and Reddit.

Life other than all of that is alright.

The kid is doing fantastic, she’s not the biggest fan of school this year, but she’s doing great. She’s got one hell of a personality now, she’s like my little punk rocker. She’s super open minded and accepting of others, and thanks to the current political climate has a firm dislike of racists and nazi-scum. She asked me to give her an undercut the other day, so now she has the underside of her ponytail buzzed and the bottom 4″ of her hair is sea green/blue. She is definitely something else, and despite the daily video calls with her other little gremlin friends, I am indefinitely proud of her.

The boyfriend has been job hopping. Trying to find one that is a good fit for him, might as well take advantage of the interviews and look for a great position and company to work for. Things are going great with us, so nothing new there.

Our Animal House has been good too. Vader (our neighbor’s old cat) has settled into the house fantastically. Smudge is still not too fond of him, but they get along. I do have to say that I love Vader dearly. He is such a sweetheart, I couldn’t ever imagine losing him even though he hasn’t been here nearly as long as Smudge or Thumbs.

Things calmed down with Jon’s ex. That’s something I’m glad is basically over. She had denied him visitation over the summer (I guess she got angry that we questioned her parenting choices and called her bluff on abandoning her daughter at our house). So we took her to court, and her lawyers basically told her to go kick rocks and give us our visitation, do half the driving and let Jon in on all decisions. Unfortunately Jon is still stuck paying for the son that is not biologically his (Ex cheated on him, got pregnant, tried to pin it on Jon) as Pennsylvania will not cancel child support, despite paternity unless another man takes his place. Unfortunately they do not require her to work, so she’s still living off of CS & Welfare. Alas. Just like with my daughters dad NOT paying child support, EVER.. we are completely okay with the kids knowing who does what for them, and seeing us as examples. Neither of us will bad mouth our exes in front of our children, but we also don’t lie.

As for me? I’m still on hiatus from work. I’ve interviewed with a few places over the phone, and turned down several in person interviews. I’m not sure what my plan is for right now, but our situation works for us and I’m enjoying finally being able to spend (forced) time with the kiddo even if she’s at the age where she’s not so keen on it. Ha.

As the months drag on, I still do not regret quitting my last job. I’m reminded almost daily by Timehop showing me the posts about how miserable I was from the last 8 years. I may have my normal depression and anxiety, but I am no longer having daily anxiety attacks about going into that toxic environment. I hear from old coworkers and work contacts every once in a while, and it seems like it hasn’t gotten much better beyond a crackdown. All I can say there folks is I learned a life lesson, one that I’ve drilled into Jon (as he walked from one recently in order to take another higher position) and one that I’m teaching my daughter. Work is work, don’t let them destroy you and your health, because at the end of the day, you are expendable. No job is worth being miserable. Not even one you devoted the better part of your 20’s and early 30’s to it.

So beyond all that rambling, hey. At least I’m writing again. I have been slowly working myself into writing again. Even if it’s just free writing a few sentences a day. I’ve just got to get into the habit. Writing is the easiest way to clear my mind and lift my mood.

On that note. I’m off to eat some chocolate and cuddle with the pupper.

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Healthy Realizations

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It’s okay to be angry.

It’s okay to be hurt.

It’s absolutely okay to not “get over it” in whatever acceptable time frame the person or people who wronged you claim.

I have a bit of a cold going on, so does my daughter. Between her coughing last night and my own sinus pressure, it was difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. A snow storm blew in during the late hours, and with it, some gusty winds. So while laying in bed, trying to breathe through approximately 1/2 of a nostril, I listened to the wind whip through the copper wind-chime Jon and Noodle bought for me last year.

My mind wandered to how my old wind-chime had been stolen, then I thought about all of the tools in my shed that had been stolen too. I laid in my bed, desperately trying to think of anything else, only to feel that familiar rage burn in my chest.

I remembered texting the man who had stolen my things, asking him to at least bring back my wind-chime and shears. I remembered threatening to call the police, after all, he had stolen almost everything I had out of my house and I had done nothing. I remembered wanting to stand up for myself, everyone had asked me why I hadn’t done anything? Why I had just let him take my things? I had to stand up for myself.

I remembered the text back, of him threatening to come back and take my daughter’s bed. It had been gifted to us by his ex-sister in law. Her daughter had no use for it, so she had given it to my daughter, and he thought he was going to come take it back.

I had backed down, I don’t know why I believed him. I now know that the police would’ve taken my side over a sex offender who had just robbed a woman and her child blind.  I now know, that not only would he have been arrested, but I would’ve had a case in court, and that is what still bothers me, two years later.

Even last year, when I had him, his sister and his new girlfriend all threatening me via text message and Facebook chat (I had inadvertently outed him as a sex offender to his family, apparently he had chosen to hide that from them. Who knew that was a viable option? Opps.), all three of them had missed the point. They kept telling me to get over it, he wasn’t going to come back to me, all in between threats of violence and vandalism.

Some how, they all assumed that a registered sex offender was someone I wanted to be with. That a year later, after discovering the hundreds of hours logged on sex-hotlines, all of the craigslist ads and affairs, after him hurting not just me but my daughter that I wanted him back. I assume that all 3 of them didn’t know that I was in a relationship, had replaced all of the stuff he had stolen from me, and was happy knowing the true extent of what I had “lost”. I had gotten over that ridiculous relationship, and had thankfully started seeing a therapist to deal with the trauma from it and work through all of the gas-lighting and emotional abuse.

What was it that I was angry about a year later, and as it turns out two years later? It wasn’t all of the horrific issues from within his own head that he had heaped upon our relationship. Nope, I was and still am angry that he stole from me and my daughter. That he stole from us right before Christmas, and left us with nothing. I am angry that he stole from us, to give to his new girlfriend, and that she was not a good enough of a person to tell him to bring it back.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, what really bothers me, is that I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him and protect myself, my daughter and my belongings from him. That is what truly bothers me. In all reality, it doesn’t pop in my head too often anymore, as time is healing that wound, but when it does, it’s a good reminder.

There are shitty people in this world, there are men and women who use and abuse people.  I have learned from that period of my life, and hopefully I can teach Noodle how to protect herself (in all aspects: physically, financially, living together and not) during a relationship and how to handle these situations as they come up. It’s not foolproof obviously, as no one can protect their children from everything, but I hope that she doesn’t make as many mistakes as I did.

It doesn’t matter what people say, especially the people that have wronged you. I was most certainly still angry a year after being robbed. Two years later, when reminded, I am still angry. It takes time, and you’re allowed to take as much time as you need. It doesn’t matter what you’re getting over, a relationship, a friendship, a crime, a life.. the human mind takes time to heal.

Also just because you’re reminded of a wreck of a human being, maybe a decade later, and get a twinge of anger, doesn’t mean you’re not over it either. It’s okay to recognize that someone was horrible to you and that it hurt you, that’s also human nature.

On a parting note, on the rare times that I am reminded of my stolen things one thing makes me chuckle. My copper wind-chime invokes memories of Jon and Noodle sitting around me waiting for me to open it, both with adorably dorky looks on their faces.  My ex-boyfriends current girlfriend told me my wind-chime was her very-favorite thing when I asked for it back. It makes me fuzzy inside to know that when it moves in the wind, she’ll be reminded that it was a gift from her boyfriend and my daughter to me.

Stolen gifts aren’t worth anything.