Basically Rambling

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I am finally relaxing.  As I posted earlier, we bought a new (to us) washer, and of course I had to wash every little bit of clothes I owned.  Haha, let me just nominate myself for the lame-adult-of-the-year award.  The kid and I colored with some chalk, and after her bath, we made a pizza.  Thursday nights we usually do a one on one dinner, which she gets a kick out of.  Always nice to actually get some alone time with the kid and talk with her.  She’s a really bright kid, and the conversations we have always amaze me.  We talked today about money (and how things cost money so we have to save for bigger purchases) and about camp and what she likes about it so far.  I’m pretty impressed with my little one.

It’s almost Friday thank God.  It’s been a long couple of weeks.  Work has just been crazy, with the exception of today, and with the fight with my family member, it’s been pretty high stress.  Now that everything is over, my anxiety has calmed down.

I’m finally getting caught up on some work that I fell behind on with my day off on Tuesday, and I feel like I actually got something accomplished.  I’m very numbers driven, so being able to see what I’ve done each day really helps.  Hopefully things continue to calm down at work, I’m starting to feel a bit burnt out with everything.  I just keep reminding myself that it’s the season… as a coworker says, it seems like everything implodes in the summertime.

As for the fight with my family member.  I was able to text what I really wanted to say, (once I wasn’t so angry, just hurt) and for once I wasn’t interrupted.  I hope that she read it and took it to heart.  I haven’t heard from her since and I noticed that she blocked me on Facebook.  That’s fine I guess.  After talking with my Dad, and then with the boyfriend, I’ve definitely made the decision to cut ties.  If she hadn’t said certain things I might have let it blown over, but unfortunately once words leave your mouth, it can’t be unsaid.  Frankly, even if I did change my mind, I don’t think the boyfriend will… from what I understand his family is pretty upset too.  It looks like with a couple of hurtful comments, a wedge may have been driven between the two families.  Sad.  Like I was saying, I’m glad it’s over.  I’m slightly upset still, but mostly relieved.  I was able to say what I’ve been wanting to say for months, and I found out how she really feels about my disease/job/family/life.  So not only did I get what I needed to off my chest, but I was able to inadvertently find out who is toxic to me and who I need to keep away from my kiddo.   It’s odd, I feel in a way… lighter.

Beyond all that, I’m just doing the thing.  I’ve been feeling pretty run down lately, but I honestly think it’s mostly stress (which hopefully should lessen now) and oddly enough, dehydration.  It’s been pretty warm here, and with being sick, I get pretty dehydrated pretty fast.  So water and tea it is!  It looks like the weather should be cooling down here soon, so forest preserve trips are coming and I think I’m going to finally sign up for a yoga class or something.  I haven’t decided which one, but I think it would be a good (natural) way to bring down my anxiety.  Plus the benefits!  The only other thing that’s on my “personal-for-me-to-do-list” is looking into a bicycle.  I really want a beach cruiser and have for years, but you know how it goes, there’s always another place that money could go.  So I’m going to start saving up a portion of my savings (haha) to put down on a bike, since the kid has learned how to ride her bike good now, I want to be able to go on bike rides with her.  So wish me luck!

 

Anyway, this turned into more of a journal post than I wanted, but I didn’t feel like writing in my physical journal.  My kiddo has fallen asleep on her chapter book, so it’s time to get her in bed.  Happy Friday everyone!

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Missing in Action : Motivation

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I got off of work this afternoon with some grand scheme of cleaning the house and working on my projects.  I picked up the Noodle from school and made a quick stop at the store and headed home.  Ryan is working a temporary second job tonight, so I have the house to myself (with Nood of course).

I fixed Noodle dinner and cleaned the kitchen, then while Noodle read before bed I put away the laundry I neglected from the weekend.    I started the coffee and poured a cup.  The first sip had me thinking of sitting and working on my scarf or writing.  I picked up the living room and put the kiddo to bed and my motivation just disappeared.  I refilled my coffee cup and am now relaxing on the couch, watching NCIS and relaxing.  Motivation just vanished, but I suppose that’s okay, there’s not much left to do and everyone deserves a break.

I am hardwired to be neurotic, I don’t mean to be, but it just comes along with the “high-strung” gene I’m sure I have.  I spend a lot of time making lists of the things I have to do.  On my way to work I think about anything I’m behind on, the things I need to do before I leave, and the things that I’d like to do if I have time.  On the way home I make a list of things I have to take care of in the house, home work I need to work on with Noodle, dinner, and anything I can fit in before bed.  I keep my days full and busy, and try to stay on top of everything.

The downfall of that is that I end up stressing myself out.  I try and be “supermom” and the house-keeping-nazi.  Things that should be enjoyable, turn into just another chore on a list and by the end of the day I am a big ball of nerves and stressed to the max.  The time I should be taking to myself, I end up trying to cram another errand in, or you know, “I can clean the bathroom real quick”.

So sometimes, once in awhile, I catch myself doing that.  Then, on nights like tonight?  I take a break.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s not horrible to take a night to myself.  So that’s exactly what I’m doing.  If you don’t take a break, you end up driving yourself nuts, and not enjoying the little things.  It’s not worth it.

 

Trust me.

I’m a Master, a freaking Master…

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… at getting sick.  I guess I can blame it on the Remicade and the 6mp but fuuuuuck.  This is enough, I want to be healthy again.  This time around, first of the year I suppose, I managed to get Bronchitis accompanied by Pleurisy.  Oh fun stuff, let me tell you.  Honestly, it’s not that bad, not any worse than the 3 bouts of bronchitis last year or the pneumonia or walking pneumonia.  It just hurts to breathe dammit.

It’s annoying though, it is.  It seems like as soon as I get over one cold, I get another, if I don’t get over it quickly it migrates into my lungs and settles in there.  If I’m not sick with a cold, it seems like my Crohns acts up. *Shrugs*  Ah well, I guess one benefit is that it has taught me to appreciate the healthy-feel-good days much more.

So today?  Since I spent the entire morning at the doctor’s office (with a doctor closer to my age than my father’s,  who spent equal time talking about my meds/disease and Tattoos.) I’m going to be relaxing for the rest of the day.  Which almost irritates me more than being sick.  I really enjoy getting a full paycheck, but since I/Noodle was sick a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t seen one in a while.  This paycheck will be full, but the next one?  Not so much.  It’s amazing when you break down your paycheck and realize how much you make each day, makes it that much harder not to just go in and tough it out.

Stupid adult responsibilities.  Stupid adult bills.

Whatever, so both Noodle and I are curled up in my bed.  Laptops (her’s a V Reader) on laps.  This shall be a day of relaxation… as soon as I stop thinking about my dirty laundry pile.