New Year, Less Bullshit.

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… or at least that’s my goal anyway. I really don’t do resolutions, nor do I take them seriously to be honest. Why make a resolution like “I’m going to eat healthy”, when we all know I’m going home to eat my weight in pasta more nights than not? Mostly though, I like the fresh start that a new calendar year brings. It’s like a brand new book that I get to write, and the possibilities are endless.

Someone I was speaking to the other day didn’t understand this way of thinking. The way they came off was condescending, like myself and people who think in a similar fashion are unintelligent for looking forward to the new year. New Year’s Day is just another day to them, and if any of the rest of us had a bad year (ie: 2016 sucks! posts) it’s either dumb to think that way or we bring it upon ourselves.

I don’t know, I guess I kind of get that idea. I mean, in reality January 1st is just another day. For me, I guess it just symbolizes a new start. Every day is a new start, a fresh page, especially more so it seems since I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic illness. The way my head has figured it out, is that I have a lot of shitty days. Literally and figuratively. I have many, many days where I just don’t feel up to even getting out of bed. However, on those days, I’ll lay there, get all grumpy, and have to remind myself.. “tomorrow is a brand new day, I might feel better tomorrow.” So that thought process naturally flows over onto Mondays, and each month that passes as well as years.

This past year was a little rough. Especially in the beginning. Back in the beginning of the year, I was still struggling with being single for the first time in almost 5 years. Then on top of that, I had developed Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia (IST) out of nowhere. So the first half of the year was basically spent trying to cope with yet another life changing diagnosis. Then of course I had a bad string of dating, and finances from being sick caught up to me. Yeah, rough. Not as bad as the year before though, and honestly, as the year went on it did get immensely better.

So for 2017, I’m kissing the previous year goodbye. Each year will get better, and I don’t think it’s a negative thing to dislike a year because of what happened in it. However, the last year, if I could change anything about it, I would change my perspective. I spent so much time being negative about everything that happened to me, I lost a lot of time I could’ve done something with my energy. I focused so hard on the things that were going south, or the changes my life made without my consent, that I missed celebrating all of the goodness I do have in my life.

So this year, I am going to be focusing on the positive. Positivity creates positivity or whatever that fuck that saying is. I’ve started a 2nd journal (a beautiful handmade leather one Jon got me for Christmas) and am using it as a gratitude journal. Each day, regardless of the tough things that happen, or the day to day frustrations, I am going to write a handful of things that I am grateful about (and within) my life. No matter what we do as human beings, we are all bound to have a rough day here and there. I’m just hoping that on those rough days, I can open my journal and appreciate the things that are hidden beneath all the crap.

Today I wrote my gratitude entry on my lunch break. Since yesterday morning, my headache has returned despite my medicines (head infection – vertigo) I got on Friday. I was a bit worn out and by lunch time was starting to look down on my day as my stomach started hurting as well. So I wrote.

I just made a simple list:

  • an attentive boyfriend who checks in on me throughout the day.
  • a daughter who albeit is grumpy about going to school tomorrow had a blast during holiday break.
  • coworkers that I don’t want to murder most days.
  • my new favorite sweater that I’m pretty sure I stole from my sister inadvertently.
  • knowing I’m going home to a cozy house, a hot cup of tea, my chatter bug kid and my coloring books.

Nothing specific. Broad range. Yet, after writing it down, reviewing each in my head, and then writing a bit in my other journal, I honestly felt a bit better about the day. Am I tired? Oh yes, painsomnia struck last night, so I’m yawning my way through the day. Do I hurt? Of course. Yet, my phone goes off with Jon checking in to see how I am. I know I get to hear all about the short kid’s last day of break when I pick her up. For now? I’m warm and snuggly in my sweater (sorry Chelsea!) with a cup of tea.. and I know tonight is going to be full of snuggles, hot tea, some scifi, and some coloring while I’m wrapped in my blankets.

That simple journal entry reminded me that I am damn lucky to have what I do have. I should be grateful that I have so many good people, and comforts in my life. It could always be worse, so I have to appreciate what I’ve got.

This outlook/journalling is working so far. Let’s see if I can keep it up throughout this new year. It is a new book after all, and despite what we can’t control, we can control how we feel through it all.

 

Happy New Years Everyone.
Much Love. Xx

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Oh Look, it’s 2013.

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It’s New Year’s Eve.  Again.  You know, I think I’m starting to get old, I didn’t even realize it was New Year’s Eve until I hopped on the Book of Face this morning.  Crap.  How the fuck is it already almost 2013?  I just now started writing “2012” the first time on my paperwork at the office.  Damn it all to hell, now it’s time to start over.

This year has just flown by, maybe it’s because I AM getting older, maybe it’s just because I’ve been busier this year than years past.  I don’t know, but it seems like just yesterday the leaves changed color, last week, we had the AC on.  I blinked and Christmas is over.  I remember being a kid, and the entire year seemed to crawl by.  Crap.  Maybe I am getting old.

So every year, at year’s end, we all tend to think about what we’re grateful for.  We think about what we could do better in the next year and make all of those stupid resolutions.  I’m no different, this year has taught me how strong I really am.  I’ve gone through some tough shit this year and grew because of it, I closed one chapter of my life and started on a brand new (scary as shit) one.  My co-worker said it best, since I started last year, I’ve done a 180 and you know what?  I like it.

When I started making changes in my life, I thought it’d be grueling, that I’d hate it.  I dreaded ever single step I took, but I found out that each step I took made me stronger.  I like how things are ending up, life needs a lot of work yet, but I’m headed in the right direction.  This next year?  I hope it’s more of the same steps.

So resolutions.  I should make some.  I usually never do but hey, what the hell.

1.  Learn how to balance being a Mom with being every-fucking-thing else.  In 2012, I focused on fixing my “mom-skills” and being a better mom.  It’s been awesome, and Noodle and I have grown ever so close.  When you’re a “Single-Mom” or when the father’s out of the picture (even if he is is calling again – long story), every decision you make revolves around your kids.  Hell.  Normal moms often are guilty of “Well, I really want a latte, but I’m sure that $2.94 can be used for something else, (insert random kid’s name here) really wants (insert random kid item here).” In 2013, I need to learn how to keep working on my relationship with my daughter, helping her thrive, but I also need to learn to take care of myself.  Balance, I do not have it.  Haha, so I’m going to focus on balance.

2.  Trust.  In this next year, I want to learn how to trust people again.  2012 had me working on forgiveness.  I spent all year trying to let go of grudges, and accept some of the blame for my problems.  I forgave people that royally fucked me over, and people that walked out of my life.  I stood up and took the blame where it was due.  I forgave others and I forgave myself.  Now I need to work on my trust so I can work on relationships with people who are close to me.  I’ve already started that and grown closer with my parents, but now, I need to learn how to open my heart to my friends.  So trust it is.

3.  Enjoy the Small Things.  So on this Let’s-Change-My-Whole-Life trip I went on this year, I became pre-occupied with my To-Do list.  Which is no different than any other year.  I’d accomplish one thing (whether mental, relationship-wise, work, or house) and immediately focus on how much more I had to do to accomplish the next obstacle.  I spent a lot of this year worrying.  I want to spend more of next year enjoying the small things I took for granted last year.  Iced coffee by my garden, quiet moments to journal, nights out to dance.  You name it.  I’m starting early.  This morning I got up and started getting overwhelmed by my to-do list.  After Ryan went to work, instead of instantly getting moving, I sat down at my desk and enjoyed my coffee.  Now writing.  The laundry waiting to be folded can wait a little bit.  Mornings with just me and Noodle are only once a week, and she’s occupied with that horrendous furby thing so I have time alone.  (Btw, I didn’t think furbys could get any more creepy… I was wrong, 10 years later and they now practically give me nightmares.) So.  Yeah.  I will enjoy the small things.

 

So it’s about to be a new year, 2013.  I’m excited.  I just know though, that I’ll blink and it’ll be New Years Eve again.  So here’s to my best effort.  I hope everyone has a safe new years.  I’m staying in tonight, so those out there, if you drink please don’t drive, be safe, and I’ll see everyone next year.  Happy Holidays.