Almost flattered.

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Well actually I do. ¬†Apparently, living my life and being happy is enough for someone to hate me for 9 months now. ¬†9 months, that’s a long time I’ve had to endure online attacks, at least the texts have stopped. ¬†It’s amazing though, I’m almost flattered. ¬†I haven’t been doing anything to provoke anyone, the only thing I’ve been doing is keeping to myself and writing. ¬†I’ve been working hard, enjoying the little things, and loving my family. ¬†Unfortunately for me, that’s enough for a¬†hater¬†to hate. ¬†Yet again, the same person is actively slandering me on the internet. ¬†Yet again, the same person has stated (is this the 2nd or 3rd time) that my own daughter would be better off if I was¬†dead. ¬†The difference this time? ¬†Instead of just saying “dead”, she said¬†murdered. ¬†

I don’t get it. ¬†I know she had her feelings hurt when Ryan refused to see her anymore, but come on! ¬†She cheated on him! ¬†I don’t understand how us being happy is a personal attack to her. ¬†She has said it’s not that, then what is it? ¬†Read through my twitter (it’s linked at the right upper corner of my page). ¬†Read through my blog. ¬†When was the last time I even mentioned this? ¬†Maybe when I had to file a police report? ¬†I don’t know what I’m doing to egg on these attacks, and not only attacks against myself, but attacks against my daughter. ¬†My¬†4 year old daughter. ¬†What adult person attacks a child? ¬†That’s what I don’t understand. ¬†No matter how much I dislike someone, I never bring their children into it.

At first, I was going to defend myself against the things she has stated online, but you know what? ¬†I’m not. ¬†I know they are not true, the people close to me know they are not true. ¬†That is good enough for me. ¬†I live a good life, I stay out of trouble, and I take care of my daughter. ¬†I have good people in my life and I’m happy with where things are. ¬†I’m tired of the attacks, I’m tired of the taunting. ¬†I’m done. ¬†I don’t care if this person calls me a whore, slut, or whatever they may, but that’s on them if they want to believe it. ¬†I just want to be left alone, and I want my child left out of it. ¬†I will protect my family, it’s the most important thing to me. ¬†I am done with this nonsense.

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Child Support, Court and Single Mom Rants.

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So today was the day. ¬†I filed a motion to get child support registered through the state, and at 9am I went in for the court appearance. ¬†Lets just say, I knew I shouldn’t waste my time, and I left in tears.

Being a single mother is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. ¬†Dealing with Crohns, Domestic Abuse, Unemployment, and pretty much everything else that has come my way in the last few years… well… it was a breeze compared to this. ¬†I am solely in charge of another human being. ¬†I am raising a daughter on my own, giving her my all, working my ass off for her. ¬†I love this little girl with all of my heart, and I do everything I can to make her life perfect. ¬†It’s hard enough trying to decide punishments on my own. ¬†It’s heart-breaking to know she spends more time with her teachers than myself. ¬†It’s fucking hard as hell to be the only one here to comfort her, for all of life’s difficulties, including her own father walking out on her. ¬†I do my best by her, every single thing I do somehow relates back to her. ¬†She is my world. ¬†Raising a child is also expensive.

The way I had figured it, is when my ex-husband was still around, still part of her life, still here, I didn’t mind that he never paid child support. ¬†He was being a daddy, and that was good enough for me. ¬†The moment he stepped out of her life, the moment she first cried because she missed her Daddy I got bitter. ¬†You know, I could stand for being the sole financial support for my little family, but I can’t stand doing it all on my own. ¬†My daughter needed her Dad, and he walked out. ¬†So if he can’t muster up enough balls to be a Dad, he damn well should pay his (court-ordered) child support, and his (court-ordered) daycare expenses. ¬†If that fucker thinks that he can just walk out of her life, out of his other child’s life, then he damn well better pay what he owes. ¬†Being a single mom is hard, but it stretches my finances thin. ¬†Thank the lord I got child care assistance (for now… I’m right on the cusp) because daycare is $190/week. ¬†I don’t even want to tell you what Kindergarten is, I have to register for that this week. ¬†The least he could do is provide his share of her education, her healthcare, her clothing. ¬†Nope, it’s just me here. ¬†I’ll make it, just as I have been for 2 years now. ¬†It’s just frustrating.

So he left us. ¬†You know. ¬†He ran off to a new girlfriend, for another fresh start, for another family with out any kids he has to take care of. ¬†He’s living in Boulder Colorado. ¬†We emailed his new girlfriend, trying to get in contact with him, she blocked us. ¬†I do speak to his mother, whom loves my daughter with all of her heart, but besides admitting he’s a douche, knows nothing about him. ¬†He stopped calling her once she voiced her opinion on the matter. ¬†So finally. ¬†Almost a year after he left, I filed for child support.

My court date was¬†disappointing¬†to say the least. ¬†The judge told me that because I don’t know his place of employment (yeah right, like that fucker would work on the books) and his current address (hello, he blocked me and disconnected his phone) they can’t do anything. ¬†Nothing. ¬†At all. ¬†So I asked her. ¬†“So if I don’t know the information he’s hiding from me, I’m screwed.” ¬†The judge tells me that I need to talk to the State’s Attorney and Child Support Enforcement. ¬†I almost fell over. ¬†I’ve filled out the application (for both offices) 3 times.. I’ve called numerous times. ¬†The most I’ve gotten is a promise of a call back… once… from one office. ¬†I’ve been trying for MONTHS. ¬†She dismissed my motion, and I left in tears. ¬†Short of Ryan calming me down, and a lunch date with Kenzie, the bad mood would’ve continued.

I left and went to the Child Support Enforcement Office in person, filled out another application, they promised they get in touch (again) and I left.

I never expected to see any money. ¬†I just wanted it on the books that he doesn’t take care of not one, but two children. ¬†But because he took off and left Noodle in the dust, he gets away with it. ¬†He gets to abandon his child again, break her heart, and leave it up to one parent to take care of her. ¬†The courts wont help. ¬†I don’t expect to hear a call from the office. ¬†I am ready to give up.

I hope, I fucking hope, when he’s laying in bed at night, snuggled in to a house his new girlfriend pays for, he thinks of the two children he’s left behind. ¬†Noodle’s emotional wounds will eventually heal, and I say good riddance, but I hope he feels pain for the rest of his life.

Let’s trade places…

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Lets trade places shall we princess? ¬†I wish we could. ¬†I’d like to show you a thing or to about being a single (or in your case, part time) parent. ¬†Hell, I’d like to show you a thing or to about being a woman, a good person, and a human being. ¬†Lets take a trip into my world, the world you don’t seem to realize exists, and the world you deny to hell and back. ¬†I’d like to show you the way things are… in your little world and in mine. ¬†Shall we?

St. Patrick’s Day. ¬†I stayed in with my boyfriend… we had been out in the forest preserve all day and on the motorcycle (since my daughter was at a sleepover with her best friend). ¬†We stayed in, saved money, went to bed relatively early since the next day was supposed to be nice and we wanted to take the kids to the forest preserve. ¬†It was nice and relaxing. ¬†I’m sure we would’ve had fun if we went out, but we wanted to avoid spending money, the crowds and police as well as the hangover the next day.

St. Patrick’s Day for you. ¬†You went to a wedding that you had helped plan. ¬†At 10pm you sent your child home with your parents and stayed to get shit faced. ¬†Guess spending the remaining weekend day with your child wasn’t important… especially after you “worked so hard” at the wedding, I’m sure he didn’t get much time with you. ¬†So your kid spent the night and grandma and grandpa’s again. ¬†I’d totally thumbs up that one… if he wasn’t there on half of your days anyway. ¬†Who care’s though right? ¬†You worked HARD to help out at the wedding and deserved to spend more time there getting wasted. ¬†*Shrugs* We’ll see.

Sunday Morning. ¬†We woke up and started coffee around 8am. ¬†That way we all had a bit to relax and wake up. ¬†Peaceful morning until you called. ¬†When we were asked what we were doing today you started railing in my boyfriend about how we need to include your son. ¬†You continued to go on and on about how you DESERVED a day off to rest and relax since you were so hungover. ¬†Your kid was still at his grandparents. ¬†If you had taken a moment to breathe (and most likely sober up a bit) you would’ve realized that we had already talked to your son, and the plan was to go get him. ¬†That’s okay though, because when his Dad had told you we’d take him to the Forest Preserve, you flipped out. ¬†“Well if you don’t take him the WHOLE day, you can’t see him at all!” and on and on with the break stuff. ¬†Well then. ¬†I see you’re back at it. ¬†This is the second time in 3 months that you have threatened to withhold your son from his father because you didn’t get your way. ¬†Whatever. ¬†You wonder why people don’t respect you, and why I never will. ¬†¬†That’s okay. ¬†While you spent the entire day sleeping we went and took the dogs, kids, and ourselves to spend the beautiful day at the forest preserve. ¬†It was really nice, your son even found a deer antler! ¬†After the forest preserve we came back to my house and played on the trampoline and had some dinner. ¬†We called you to see if we could bring your son back, seeing as how it is was your day to see him, after we went to the park, 45 minutes before you had asked we keep him until and you immediately started insulting your son’s father, claiming he never does anything to help you out, even though he had your son 2 out of your 4 days this week. ¬†Oh well, we went to the park as planned and showed up half an hour early. ¬†I’m sorry you were angry that we wouldn’t keep him over night, so you could “have a night to yourself”… again. ¬†But making your child get up 2 hours earlier than normal because we have to work, that would be 6am…. that’s not happening… especially since you failed to mention his cold. ¬†He needs his sleep. ¬†Plus we needed to shower and get to bed.. because like I said… we work. ¬†You know. ¬†Day jobs. ¬†Sorry. ¬†Besides, he needed a shower too, we all stunk! Now I don’t mind driving half an hour away and back to pick your son up, I don’t, I definitely don’t mind him being part of my dysfunctional family, but the least you could do is not insult your ex, and act generally ungrateful towards myself. ¬†I guess I’d be a little salty if I slept all day while my kid spent a day outside having fun with my ex’s girlfriend. ¬†But whatever.

Now honey, we really do have to talk. ¬†We’re going to have a little conversation one of these days. ¬†I’m tired of your complaining, I’m tired of you using your son against your ex, and I’m tired of well… you. ¬†You seem so ungrateful, but your ex drops everything at the call to see his kid when you’re “too busy”. ¬†You seem to forget that you do NONE of the driving when it comes to picking him up and dropping him off. ¬†*I* do. ¬†Think about how many days he spends at his grandmother’s house. ¬†How many *hours* you actually spend with him. ¬†You really should get off your high horse there sweetheart, when your son spends more time with relatives and his dad (and myself) than you.

While we’re at it? ¬†Stop complaining about working hard. ¬†You work at a bar. ¬†You refuse to get a normal job. ¬†Don’t give me that crap about not being able to find something, check craigslist, monster, hell, take a walk. ¬†There’s plenty of day jobs in our town. ¬†We’re lucky, our town(s) are rebounding faster than everyone elses. ¬†You choose to work until 10pm and then close out the bar with your friends. ¬†You choose to. ¬†I know. ¬†I chose to too. ¬†But then guess what? ¬†I realized how much my daughter missed me and how much it was impacting our relationship and I got a day job. ¬†I’m a single parent like you claim to be. ¬†I bust my ass to make sure my daughter has everything, including her OWN roof over her head. ¬†Not a room in a friends house. ¬†You can do better, I’ve heard how you used to be. ¬†I know the bar scene is fun, but eventually you have to do right by your son. ¬†I get it, trust me I do, but family comes first. ¬†Don’t make the same mistakes I made.

Now speaking of that. ¬†That little thing you pulled yesterday with your hangover? ¬†You REALLY needed to stay and drink? ¬†Well guess what. ¬†Responsible parents have two choices. ¬†1. ¬†Go home early with their children. ¬†or 2. ¬†Stay out, have fun, then get up early with their children the next day. ¬†It sucks. ¬†But it’s called parenting. ¬†You can’t always pawn off your kid on someone else. ¬†When your kiddo knows “Mommy’s been drinking”, trust me, he’ll remember. ¬†Once in a while is okay, but really? ¬†You make my teenage years look kind of lame.

I don’t feel pity for you at all. ¬†I don’t. ¬†Once you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll understand. ¬†I hope you get it soon, your son isn’t so little anymore and he’s a very VERY smart boy. ¬†Smart boys figure out their parents pretty fucking quick, and you’re on a long walk off of a short pier. ¬†Sure. ¬†Keep working “hard”, keep drinking hard, keep trying to¬†manipulate everyone else into doing your parenting for you, but I’m warning you, it’ll come back and kick your ass. ¬†Not too many people are falling for the woe is me bullshit anymore. ¬†You’re not a victim anymore, unless you count yourself a victim of your own laziness. ¬†Your kid is going to wise up soon, and your ex already has. ¬†I hope for your sake you wake up and step up before it’s too late…. because trust me… you want to be a good parent to that boy. ¬†That boy deserves it. ¬†Just like mine does.

When life gives you lemons… demand vodka!

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Ahh… the life of a single parent. ¬†While my ex-husband (daughter’s father) is off scamming yet another woman in Colorado, I’m doing it all… and making what little sanity I have left stretch. ¬†Hell what little money I have left… streeeetttch.

Single Parenting. ¬†This is definitely not what I signed up for. ¬†However, after he laid a hand on me, I filed for divorce. ¬†He hated me for loving my life and myself. ¬†That point made, he acted like a good dad. ¬†I never would have thought he’d bail for (yet another) a free ride. ¬†He broke my daughter’s heart, a pain she’s going to have to live with for life.

One person pointed out that at least we don’t have to deal with his bullshit time after time. ¬†Yes, I am glad he’s gone, and after almost a year, I hope he stays gone. ¬†I will chase his ass (or rather have my lawyer do it) back into whatever meth-house he’s falling into once he resurfaces. ¬†If he does. ¬†I will not let him hurt my daughter repeatedly.

However, single parenting is hard. ¬†I do it all on my own. ¬†I pay for everything ( I do not receive child support or his daycare share), I am there for every minute of her life. ¬†If I want time to myself, I have to wait until she’s asleep or pay for a sitter (which I rarely do anymore to save money… stupid credit score is too low). ¬†I love her to death, but I get stretched pretty thin. ¬†I make things work, because that’s what moms do. ¬†It’s just stressful sometimes.

Today was one of those days. ¬†I dropped Noodle off at pre-school, glanced at the “The kids are sick with strep throat notice, crossed my fingers and headed into work. ¬†I spent the majority of my time driving trying to figure out how to tweak my budget for my 3 days I am requesting off through April. ¬†1 day for my Remicade Infusion, 1 day for court (tracking down my ex, and 1 day for my GI appointment. ¬†Half days for all but 1. ¬†So 2 days off. ¬†As I pulled into my work’s parking lot I resigned myself to the fact that it’s only 2 full days off, and my budget won’t shift too much. ¬†Work was going well. ¬†I was pretty my on my schedule (self-set for my different projects) when my cell rang. ¬†Pre-school. ¬†Noodle has a fever and is complaining of a sore throat and has a fever. ¬†I have to go pick her up. ¬†I have to lose half a day of work. ¬†So on my way to get her sick little butt, I’m stressing about losing half a day more of pay but I figure it can’t be strep so I can work around it.

I pick her up from school and take her the next town over to be checked out. ¬†Swab, Temp, and BAM! ¬†Strep. ¬†They gave me anti-biotics to start her on tonight, but even though, she’ll still be contagious through tomorrow… and pre-school won’t let her back. ¬†Driving to the pharmacy I realize how much time I’m going to be losing and as the saying goes “Time equals Money”.

Ugh. ¬†I’ll make the bills work, I always do, it’s just frustrating. ¬†I don’t have that support network that single moms are rumored to have. You know, the near-by parents who can scoop her up and watch her for me, the babysitter that some how has no life and can keep her snuggled up in bed while I work. ¬†It’s just me. ¬†I don’t have child support to help me buy her clothes, school stuff and pay for doctor’s bills. ¬†I don’t have the (court ordered) day care help. ¬†It’s just me. ¬†So when Noodle gets sick, it’s just me. ¬†While I’d much rather cuddle her at home when her fever hits, there’s a thought in the back of my head about how I’ll twist the finances this time. ¬†Just like when I have to lose half a day for my Remicade Infusions.

This single-parenting gig blows. ¬†But you play the hand you’re dealt and you make it work. ¬†So, as always I’ll make the best out of everything, I’ll play my cards just right but christ, what a wonderful thought it is that life might some day be normal.

Stand. By. Me.

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There is one thing I’m not. ¬†I’m not a doormat… pertaining to anything and everything. ¬†I have my opinions, I have my wants, needs and loves. ¬†Just like I have my dislikes and hates. ¬†I’m not one to sway one way or another because of someone else’s opinion/guilt trip/want. ¬†That’s just the way I am. ¬†As far as I’m concerned… either get used to it or take a walk… down Waukegan Pier… past the light house.

The current situation. ¬†Was invited to go bar-hopping on St. Patty’s day. ¬†A couple of years ago? (You know, when I was 21 and had money to blow) Sure. ¬†Now? ¬†Not so much. ¬†My friend wants to take a train with a bunch of other people and hit every bar from Des Plaines here (45 minute train ride). ¬†Then back. ¬†Then crash at another friends house. ¬†I don’t want to go. ¬†Why?

Lack of money: I’d have to get an all night sitter, have money for drinks, train ticket, and cab if need be (because come one now… nothing is more difficult than herding a crowd of drunk people on a train).

Sleeping at a strangers house: ¬†I’m not fond of it. ¬†I can’t sleep in an¬†unfamiliar place and don’t¬†particularly¬†want to sleep at someone I’ve never met’s house.¬†¬†I tend to feel like hell in the morning (Crohns) and would like to be in the privacy of my own house. ¬†That leads us to…

The Baiid Device: ¬†I will not drive my car even after one beer. ¬†I made the mistake once and got in a decent amount of trouble… for blowing the following morning after drinking. ¬†I don’t even risk it… if I drank the night before, my car is out of commission until the next evening. ¬†Simple as that. ¬†If I get a violation, that baiid device is in my car for another 3 months or removed. ¬†Sorry, no amount of fun will make me go out…. sure I can be the DD, but a car load of drunk people? ¬†Nah. ¬†I’m good.

Last but not least? ¬†Bar-hopping: ¬†You know, it’s fun if it’s local. ¬†Or in Chicago. ¬†No worries about a train or what not… even more so if you have a cab home. ¬†Even then, maybe 2 bars. ¬†I’m not huge on going in a bar for 45 minutes… having a drink… having a bit of fun and then bam… back on the train/cab/car to the next one. ¬†What can I say… I just don’t enjoy it. ¬†Never really have. ¬†I’d rather just go to my local bar or a pub to shoot some pool.

At first I felt a bit bad. ¬†My friend pulled a guilt trip about how they never suggest anything to do.. how I haven’t met any of their friends… blah blah. ¬†You know, I always thought that if someone was a good friend, cared about you even, they would respect your decisions. ¬†If they don’t agree, maybe trying to argue a bit… but a guilt trip? ¬†About something I can’t afford/risk/don’t want to do? ¬†That kind of hurts. It bugs me a bit to be honest.

But whatever. ¬†If I go out for St. Pat’s, I’ll go local. ¬†With people I know. ¬†For a handful of hours. ¬†Then sleep in my own bed. ¬†Thanks but no thanks.

Smooth out the stress.

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Sometimes stress can get the better of you. ¬†Financial stress, crotch-fruit induced stress, work stress, you name it. ¬†Having an anxiety disorder compounds all of that and causes it to explode. ¬†If I don’t keep my anxiety in check, it has the potential to come raining down on me and cause a long-lasting-anxiety attack.

Usually I deal with my anxiety through music, and seeing as how I have been a bit overwhelmed today the music was cranked up high. ¬†Created a new station on my Pandora One and dubbed it “16 year old Sarah”. ¬†I spent most of the day tuning said station to all of the nasty gnarly punk rock I used to listen to. ¬†Just hearing all of those songs brought a smile to my face as well as many a memory. ¬†So tomorrow is officially Punk Rock Thursday.

Things have been pretty good lately, the boyfriend has been helping work on the house. ¬†He has installed 1 (out of 2) ceiling fans he’s gotten me, brought me 2 different sets of shelving for my converted mini-library. ¬†Oh and a new thermostat and area rug, not to mention the wrought iron candle set. ¬†I’m pretty sure the fun just leaked out of me and I showed my age… but hey! I’m excited that my house is looking better by the day. :)

Other than that it’s just been the same ole shit. ¬†Trying to get ahead at work, cleaning at home, and spending time with my kiddo as well as our little dysfunctional misfit family.

At the same time though I’m dealing with the same ole stressors as well.

My Crohns is active again, and I’m still a couple weeks out for another Remicade Infusion… and my fistula is STILL there more than a year and a half later. ¬†I’m putting off surgery until after April, when I finally accrue vacation/sick time at work. ¬†I hate calling off work as it is, but I think half days for my infusions are acceptable… however, a few days for recovery? ¬†Not so much…. not only that, but if you’re familiar with the budget of a single mom, I can’t afford to lose that much money out of my paycheck. ¬†The boyfriend and my family have promised to help me out if I decide to have the surgery, but still, I hate depending on people.

Other than that there is the (seemingly) never ending debt. ¬†I’m still working on paying of random debt… and I will be for a long time. ¬†Just seeing my list freaks me out, but I know it’ll pay off in the long run. ¬†My goal is to get my credit high enough so that when it comes time to sell this house I can afford to finance a much bigger sum. ¬†That’s a long way off so I have quite a bit of time to work on it, but still.

Don’t forget the every day triggers. ¬†Today I was stressed because of the amount of running around I had to do to help the boyfriend. ¬†I’m not much one to do anything after work, much less spend that much time in the car. ¬†I don’t mind helping out per say, but when all you want to do is relax, driving for a couple hours is not pleasant. ¬†Ohh well. ¬†That’s over for now.

I can’t wait until the weather warms up a little. ¬†I could sure use a run in the forest preserve… not to mention the drive to the lake house and the hours out on the lake. ¬†This time I can bring the boy. ¬†I can’t wait.

 

The wrong side of the bed.

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Okay, you’ve all heard of the phrase “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed” right? ¬†Some days in my house it’s more like “I woke up upside down, halfway off the bed, strangling myself in the blanket… and the bed was on fire.”

For me it seems like the first very few minutes of the morning, dictate the rest of the day. Example time : ¬†If I wake up and the house is quiet (which those of you who know my child, know that’s pretty rare), I’m able to get a cup of coffee and relax my day has a very calm vibe to it. ¬†I end up being more laid back and chill. ¬†Example time part duex: If I wake up to my daughter singing at the top of her lungs 2 inches away from my face, get up and immediately stub my toe, ram my shoulder into a door frame as a result and my Kuerig has decided to say fuck you for the first 10 minutes…. it’s not going to be a good day. Rephrase: Okay, it might not be a “bad” day, but I’m going to be highstrung and constantly wanting to retreat into my bedroom sans kid, phone, any living life-form with ¬†my coffee.

This morning has been one of those mornings. ¬†So instead of screaming at the top of my lungs, I have decided to take my cup of coffee, sit on my bed and write… and watch my daughter who managed to cover herself in blue marker, parade around naked for a while. ¬†Oh look she’s singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. ¬†I’m going to put her in a¬†pageant. ¬†Obviously you can see that wouldn’t work out too well, well “too well” for the other pageant girls and pageant moms anyways. ¬†We’d have too much fun.

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I’m pretty sure that god himself decided that Sundays were a day of rest for everyone… everyone except single moms.

Sunday it is. ¬†Sunday is the day that I have to take care of the crap I put off yesterday. ¬†I need to run to the grocery store, dollar store and finish my laundry. ¬†I need to actually get the motivation up to put away the 10,000 articles of children’s clothing and not set my daughter’s dresser on fire. ¬†(Seriously, if I never have any more children, that reason is in the top 10, I hate folding children’s clothes. ¬†With a passion. ¬†Almost as much as I hate leaving the house when it’s 18* outside.

Ugh. ¬†Ah well. ¬†Shit needs to get done, and at least I’m not one of the two squirrels fighting outside of my window… sounds like one is getting his furry little ass handed to him.

So at the same time though, even though this morning is chaotic, I’m pretty sure almost every morning I have is chaotic. ¬†Since, I don’t know, forever. ¬†I’m just glad for a morning where I don’t have to get ready for work and *can* lounge around and write. ¬†Can’t complain too loudly I guess.