Anxiety & Late Night Thoughts


I managed to get a bit of my outdoors to-do list done today, or rather yesterday as it’s now 1:10am. The sun was out after a few days of a good soaking rain, so I went and dug up and turned over the soil in my five raised garden beds. I had already planted two rows of lettuce and my chives (as they always seem to be a bit heartier than the rest of my regular crops) but finished almost all of the rest of it with a little bit of effort.

In the first bed I have the two rows of lettuce, chives in a corner, and two different pepper plants. This year we’re growing bell and shashito peppers.  In the plot next to it I have two rows of cucumbers, no trellises yet as I’m going to wait for them to sprout and see what needs to go where. In the next plot I have my two tomato plants. Usually I have four tomato plants, but the last year I had a lot of food waste and decided to downsize. I chose Celebrity and a neat heirloom. The fourth plot I have two rows of green beans, didn’t place trellises there either, just waiting to see what comes up. I also have a cute little hanging pot full of strawberries. I used to have them in a little section next to my raised beds, but they were awful to get to once the crops came in, and now my lilies started taking over the area too so I opted for the hanging pot.

I still have one more plot to use, but I haven’t decided what to put in it. Usually the last plot is for carrots and radishes, but I’m the only one who likes them so I am forgoing them this year. Eggplant and Zucchini were voted out too, again because of food waste last year and the plants were hard for me to manage. We then have one long garden plot, which we’ve been growing pumpkins in, but I didn’t have the energy to dig up a 10ft by 4ft plot today. Hopefully I can get that done this weekend.

Unfortunately I was not able to mow the lawn today. Last fall I wasn’t smart enough to add oil to the lawn mower, and it looks like it seized up over the winter. I messed with it a little bit but wasn’t able to fix it, so it looks like it’s going out on the curb and I’ll be buying a new one. It just sucks, it’s one more thing on the to-do list that directly effects my pocket book.

I did have a bit of a fall today though. I was walking down the steps for the deck to go get the gas can which needed to be filled up and tripped on one of my pavers I’ve been putting off fixing. A tree root has pushed it up a bit, so my shoe caught the corner of it and my ankle just rolled. It was enough pain to take my breath away, but the pain eased a bit for me to be able to run out for gas and a drive. However I am regretting that choice now, despite some decent painkillers, it’s hard to get comfortable without it hurting.

It was nice, I was able to fill up the gas can and drive my car around a little bit. I just got it back from the shop for the second time. The check engine light has been coming on, and after $900 in repairs, it looks like it will need fuel injectors, which is $600 in parts alone. I’m going to drive it for the weekend, and then take it to emissions testing on Monday. I’m hoping I’ll be able to apply for a waiver as I can’t afford the additional repairs and the repairs total out to more than what my car is worth. So the driving today helped, I’m going to take it out a bit tomorrow, and then on Monday I’ll go get tested.

Admittedly, it’s weighing on my mind quite a bit. The car runs really well surprisingly, but if the state won’t give me a waiver for the light, I won’t be able to drive it. It’s daunting to think about, even more so that something always seems to break before I can save up any money in my emergency fund. I know we’ll figure it out, one way or another. More importantly, I know that worrying about it doesn’t help anything, yet, here we are.

So I guess, I’m going to try and get some sleep again. Good night out there.




Some habits are hard to break.

No shit right?  I am such a creature of habit that I hurt my own head sometimes.  I’ve slowly but surely been breaking the bad ones, one at a time.  The more habits I destroy, the more confident I become.

Yes, I still smoke, I’m still working on that.  After 13 years, it’s a tough one.  So I’m slowly pushing at it and will eventually win.

In the meantime though I’ve given up quite a few.

I used to eat fast food at least once a week or once every other week.  I admit, it was easy to just stop at McDonalds after a long day of work and get a quick dinner for me and the short one.  I didn’t realize how often I was eating it until I actually sat down and looked at my checkbook register one day.  Yeaaaaah.  No.  So I stopped.  As a family we *maybe* buy fast food once every 6 weeks, if that.  Seriously, try it.  Whenever we do stop, even just junk food at a sit down restaurant, or a delivered lunch to work, I’m shocked at how much my body revolts afterwards.  I’ll feel sluggish, greasy, tired and slightly sick.  Every single time.

Once we cut that down, I started with more (in season) fresh veggies and fruits instead of canned and processed.  I’ve always prefered to eat fresh, but always felt exasperated in the Winter and Spring.  Well go figure, if you eat what is in season in your area or close by, it’s a lot easier.  Meals are a lot more fun to make now, and I feel better after I eat as well.  Since we incorporated more fresh veggies and fruits into our diets I have also noticed that Noodle complains less about her stomach and has an easier time with her moods as well.  Related?  I’d like to think so.

So one thing I’m working on that will shock the hell out of everyone and their mom is coffee.  No, no, no, NO.  I’ll never cut coffee completely out.  I love the taste of it, the comfort that I’ve attached to it over the last decade or so.  Coffee is soothing to me, helps me clear my head.  I enjoy it.  Not to mention the health benefits of a cup of good joe.  However, y’all know, left up to my own devices I can easily drink several pots a day.  As I’m getting older I’ve noticed the caffeine hits my body harder… and more importantly hits my crohns as well.  So I’ve been substituting tea in where I can.  Some with caffeine and some without.

With my Crohns flaring (again), I’ve started drinking more Lemon, Peppermint and Ginger Tea and to say I’ve noticed a difference is an understatement.  A bit of iced green tea is a good replacement for my iced coffee on lunch.  My stomach (while still trying to claw it’s way out) is much easier to manage, and the anti-inflammatories from the tea definitely seem to be helping me tolerate solid food quicker than usual.  The Guava-Ginger tea I picked up at the market, and the Ginger-Lemon I’ve been drinking for a couple of weeks calm down my stomach quickly.

There might be something to this natural crap.  *smirk*  Hey, anything’s worth a try after you live off of drugs that CAUSE CANCER.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that I’ll ever live med-free (for long anyway).  I have severe Crohns Disease, and it has me by my non-existent balls.  However, I’ve made it a personal goal to stay off the prednisone and 6mp because of what they did to my body the last time.  Maybe these last few strides to improve my lifestyle will give my body that last kick it needs to get into remission.  Who knows.

All I know is that regardless of whether or not I have surgery to remove the fistula/strictures, this lifestyle is here to stay.  I’ve got to give this body a fighting chance, so why not?


“Why I hate naps” and other babble.


Today is my last day of “stay-cation”.  It’s been fun, it really has.  I got to spend time by myself and face some of my Crohns demons, I got to go thrifting and out for coffee.  I spent some good time with my daughter and boyfriend, and I spent time doing whatever I wanted.  Today is the last day, and what did I do?  Take a 2 hour nap.

Naps are heavenly.  If you don’t sleep well the night before, a nap may seem better than a whiskey sour after a long week of bullshit at the office.  People like to nap, curling up on a chilly afternoon and snoozing the hours away.  Hell, babies nap.  Old people nap.  Your 22 year old neighbor naps*.

*Sleeps until noon, wakes up, eats cocoa crispies, goes back to sleep.

I napped today.

And I hate naps.

I feel like with in those two hours, I missed the entire day.  Somehow, in those two hours, all of the plans I didn’t have will never get done, like those two hours were filled with things that I had been wanting to do for a millenia.

2 hours.

I fell asleep reading a book I’ve fallen in love with.  (The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by: Katherine Howe)  Sounds perfect right?  No.  I could’ve done, um, I could’ve done, something!!

I could’ve worked more on my writing, or my knitting.  There’s that soup that’s been simmering in the crock pot, or hell, there are all of the dishes that are creating a new life form in my sink… you know those dishes I’m still not going to do because, meh.  I can do them in an hour before I pick up Ryan.

Stupid nap.  Fucked up my mojo for the day.  Now there’s only a couple hours of daylight left, even though we’re not going outside.  I’d rather stay inside with my cup of coffee, Noodle with her playdoh kit.  (There is playdoh stuck in places in this house I didn’t know playdoh could go.)

So that’s it.  I napped.  Now I’m going to go catch up on all the things I missed in those precious two hours.  Damned nap.