Moving on up!

Standard

After the craziness of the last few months, life is starting to take on a bit more normalcy. It’s been one hell of a ride, that’s for sure! For once though, I feel like I am coming out a better, happier more knowledgeable person.  

So my heart (be still my beating heart haha) is doing better. I haven’t had any more major issues beyond a couple shot lived episode a few weeks ago. I also prepared myself and learned how to cope if they do happen, and I have a prescription if things get worse again. So far no worries. Back to basic life for me. (Hopefully my EP was right and it was a short lived thing!)

I however did get quite a bit of anxiety from the whole ordeal. I think having your heart stopped and restarted in the ER will do that for anyone. So I took a first step and found myself a really sweet therapist. It’s nice to be able to really tell someone everything… something I haven’t been able to do in about 5 years. She’s helping me learn how to cope with my illnesses as well as being a single mom (again). I’m glad I took that step, as it seems to be really helping me straighten myself and my life out. She’s given me great advice from how to deal with doctors, (she even found me one when I didn’t like the new one I had) to how to take steps to stop being a doormat for people, to great budgeting ideas and resources for writing and art.

Beyond that, I’ve also been making it a point to write and read daily again. Just to get the creativity flowing. I started feeling more confident with myself just doing that.

Oh! Even managed to go a few miles at the forest preserve already. It was so nice out, and felt good to get active again. Noodle and I are just starting to work on the yard for spring (I’ve got a feeling it won’t be as easy as taking it all down for winter). We’re both excited for the garden this year, as well as planting our flowers! She’s really involved with it too!

Nood has been doing great! Grades are steady in school with good behavior. She really has stepped it up with helping at home with chores. I’m proud of my little munchkin.

I’ve also been able to start reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in forever! I forgot what having a social life is like! What I’m working on now is finding a club I want to join. I’ve been looking for quite sometime, just can’t decide.

All in all, things are going well. I hope the trend continues! It feels so great to finally feel happy again after all those years filled with doubt and anxiety! Looking forward to Spring!

Have a nice night everyone!

image

Advertisements

It’s been a long month.

Standard

It’s been a busy, busy month. As most of you know, I have some health problems. Apparently, in addition to Crohns, my heart apparently has some quirks too.

My heart itself is fine, it just decides to beat excessively fast than it should at inappropriate times. It’s called Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia (which is part of SVT). It’s practically harmless, but insanely terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s going on.. which I didn’t for the first few weeks it was happening. I’d be sitting down relaxing, or in the shower, and my heart rate would shoot towards 200.

So this month has been filled with appointments with cardiologists, kidney specialists, and an electrophysioligist. I had an heart study last week, with the hope to pinpoint and maybe to do an ablation if possible (before they thought it was IST).

For now I’m just going without medication. I had tried one, but it dropped my heart rate too low and I need to think on it. I have another appointment with my EP in 2 weeks to discuss. I guess I’m just happy knowing what’s going on, not as scary otherwise.

Beyond that, things have been pretty good. With all the crap going on, I was able to realize what was really important and what I actually wanted out of life. I’ve been spending a lot of time hanging out with Noodle as well as working on projects at home. Now that I have the heart stuff starting to get figured out, I’m going to focus on extra curricular stuff for Noodle and new social ground for myself. I do have to say, thinking you’re having a heart attack a few times, really helps you get over a break up. Haha.

Now it’s just time to weasel out some good swimming classes for the kid, and I’d like to find one of those beer & book clubs for myself. Wish me luck!

Growing Up or Growing Into?

Standard

It’s Saturday Night y’all!  The boyfriend is hanging out with his brother, and my kid is asleep.  Logically the next step is brew some coffee and write some bullshit.  So yeah.  Here I am.  On the internet.  Three minutes ago I had a realization, something that hit me so hard, so fast, that I immediately felt that need to get the words out of my head.  I can’t find my favorite pen, so blog it is.

I am a New Sarah.

Over the past 15 years, I have reinvented myself several times.  No one Sarah was completely the same.  Some Sarah’s were no good, some Sarah’s were too work-involved, some Sarah’s were at the bottom of the bottle, and some Sarah’s were domesticated housewifes.  So here we go again, I finally realized that I am a completely new Sarah again.

This new Me has been evolving for roughly 3 years.  The Divorce from “He who shall not be named” threw me to rock-bottom.  I wasn’t the best person, I wasn’t the best mom, and I wasn’t a good friend.  Honestly, I didn’t even like me.  Not even a little bit.  Actually, if Present-Day-Me met Me-From-3-Years ago, I’d slap her.  Or me.  Whatever, you get the gist.

I had to have a couple of major blows to my life to straighten out.  Those blows sucked, but I finally got it figured out and apparently just ran with it.  Usually my reinventions are somewhat similar.  Some sort of aspect stays with the next Me, thankfully, this time, the only thing that has stuck is my fuck-you-I-can-do-this attitude.  I think I’m just so amazed because of it.  Looking back on 3 years ago, I am borderline ashamed.  I have moments of deep shame, but then I remind myself that everything I did, caused, or went through, kicked my ass enough to learn from it.  Nonetheless, I am glad to say goodbye to the Old Sarah.  I am glad to kiss that life goodbye and stop glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s not following me.

Today was a perfect day.  The Boyfriend had to work, so we had a Noodle and Mama Day.  We relaxed together a bit this morning, and after a quick breakfast hopped in the car and headed out.  We ran a couple of errands and then had lunch together.  After lunch, we went straight to the local farmer’s market and bought mushrooms (Noodle), Onions (as a complement to Noodle’s mushrooms), and peanut butter cookies (Me, duh).  Then we went shopping, we roamed around a couple of stores, causing a bit of trouble and looking for deals.  At Target I learned that my kid can con cookies off of ANY bakery in ANY store ANNNNND go back for SECONDS.

We came back to the house and set up some venison chops to marinate, and went right back outside.  It was a gorgeous day, and I don’t think either one of us could stay inside another day.  I had bought her a big jug of bubbles, so I sipped my iced coffee and she blew and chased down and stomped hundreds of bubbles.  A good grilled dinner and some relaxing, and she’s tucked into bed asleep.  I managed to clean the house before I ended up on my computer.

What made me realize the change in myself is that as I brewed my cup of coffee I realized I was/am completely happy and content.  That moment, as my coffee brewed, I thought back and realized how different not only I was, but how different I felt compared to a few years ago.  I finally learned how to live for me (and my daughter) instead of to someone else’s standards, or how I thought I was *supposed* to be.  I finally learned to love ME and my life, all the little quirks and troubles.  I learned to be happy with myself and enjoy the little things, and do it sober.

Things are not perfect and this life has had some pretty shitty moments, but now I realize that it will never be perfect, but I can make it as damn close as I can, and enjoy the ride there.

 

It feels good to stop looking into the past.

Hey, at least I don’t have to water the flowers

Standard

It’s been one hell of a long day, the customers and phone calls just wouldn’t stop coming!  The plus side was that the day flew by, but the negative?  I’m exhausted.  I was so relieved when I pulled into my driveway, and even more so to be able to sit down and relax with a hot cup of coffee.  The short little thunderstorm helped with my nerves too.  My plans for the rest of the night?  Well, right now, just relaxing in the kitchen, watching the boyfriend cook dinner (sadly enough he cooks more than me).  Then after dinner?  Relaxing on the couch and watching my favorite sci-fi show… Lost Girl.  To say I’m excited about curling up in bed tonight is most definitely an understatement.

So things have just been generally crazy around here.  I have some great company to endure the chaos with, my friend Kate is still a constant.  We managed to tackle a good portion of the housework this past weekend and knock out another portion of shopping for my little Noodle’s birthday, I’m almost done and Kate got her a ton of stuff!  I still have some bigger ticket items to get, but most of the little gifts are set.  On Sunday I went over to her house to visit her family (which is another one of my adopted families, they were there for me through all of the domestic crap with my ex as well as the first 2ish years of Crohns).  Unfortunately I missed her parents, but there’s always next weekend!  I can’t wait to see them again.  Last night after work, Kate and her sister came over to visit… that was awesome and Ry took it upon himself to make us all dinner.  To say that he’s got a thumbs up from those two is an understatement… and their opinions mean a lot to me.

Beyond all of that, just menial chores and work.  I’ve been pondering over a pretty big decision in my head too… this fall I believe I’m going back to college… not to work on that Bachelors in Business (honestly because I’d rather eat my own ass than take one more accounting course), but to head for (starters) my Associates in Criminal Justice.  End goal?  Bachelors.  If I get bored?  Masters.  Criminal Justice is something I’ve always been interested in, but of course I never wanted to become a Police Officer so I just abandoned it not realizing that I could take it so much farther.  So after doing lots of research, I think I’m just going to dive in.  I’m excited… more like thrilled… and even more so that I have the support of so many people.  I can’t wait.

In the mean time though, it’s time to get ready for dinner.  I hope everyone is doing well since I haven’t had time to check in on anyones blogs this week.  Happy Almost Hump Day.

A Bitch Called Hope

Standard

There’s this song by Blood for Blood (if you haven’t heard them and don’t like hardcore, don’t waste your time.  You’ll want to stab yourself in the ears.) called “A Bitch Called Hope”.  I used to relate to that song a lot, hell even now, more than 8 years later.  Hope is a hard thing to hold onto sometimes, but one thing I’ve realized through all of these years?  I need to have hope.  I need hope to thrive, to survive, and to strive for more.  With out hope I get nowhere… as I proved for a couple years as a teenager.

At the same time though, when you hope and pray for something, especially when you’ve worked your ass off for it, and whatever it is falls through?  It’s devastating.  Sometimes hope can almost destroy you in the end, and knowing that is what makes it so hard.  Hope is a bitch, a cold-hearted bitch, and that stupid bitch will screw you over if you give it the chance.  So sometimes I’m wary of hope.

I’ve always lived by the motto: Hope for the best, expect the worst and work your fucking ass off in the meantime.  I think that whole line of thought is what has gotten me labeled as a pessimist more than a handful of times, but you know what?  It works for me.  It keeps my ass in gear, my mind working, and helps me prepare for the worst in any scenario.  It allows me to continue to bust ass for something I want, but kind prepare for if things don’t work out as planned.  Almost mutes the devastation if it comes my way.

There has been so much going on in the past few years, quite honestly a lot of it got me down for a while there.  In the not to recent past I had almost given up hope that things would get better.  I saw nothing in my dead end jobs, nothing good coming out of being a single mother working sometimes upwards of 16 hour days.  I lost the motivation to love my life and improve what I didn’t love.  I did the basics for my daughter, made her life as perfect as I could, but as for everything else?  I shut down.  In all reality, that helpless feeling I had as I watched my life circle the drain broke me.  It did, it broke me far worse than the abusive marriage I was in, my self-caused train wreck teen years, anything.  That hope that I had clung to for so many years just disappeared.

When things were getting to be damned near unbearable, I finally caught a break.  I was offered a job, and then immediately offered my current job.  Then, like a brick through a bay window, that hope was back.  I knew that if I kept busting ass, life would get better.  You know what?  It most definitely has.  It’s never ending hard work, but it’s worth it.  Last Spring/late winter, one year ago, I was sitting at this kitchen table trying to figure out how to afford my gas bill.  I was barely making enough to afford food, much less my bills and medical treatments.  I was sitting at this table, praying for a hand up, a break, something.  I was headfirst into a bottle a lot of those nights, because at that point I didn’t even want to cope.  I just wanted peace.

Now?  Things are much better.  Not perfect, but enough to make me happy.  I’m still at a wonderful job, I’m in a wonderful relationship, and I’m working on my relationships with my family and a few old friends.  I realized that I need to keep busting my ass and fix my life, and since I was given that sliver of hope, it’s been a fight to keep it ever since.  It’s nice to be able to look back and reflect, the contrast between last year and this one…. it just proves that it was worth it all.  That things DO get better if you work for it, and having that little bit of hope just pushes you along.

Hope is still a bitch though, but hope is here to stay.

Back in the game.

Standard

I had coffee with one of my good friends last night.  Her and I have been friends for years, we’ve known each other since we were kids back in the old neighborhood.  After I moved out we lost contact for a few years until I moved into an apartment with my ex-husband in Lindenhurst.  One day when I was doing laundry, I bumped into her on the stairs.  The girl I had known from the neighborhood lived in the same building with me.  I was shocked, mostly because it wasn’t a huge building, it only had 12 units in it…. and was one of many buildings.  What were the chances that we ended up in the same place?

She was there for it all.  She was there when I was pregnant with my daughter, her family brought me a gift after we came home from the hospital.  She was there when I was sick that year with undiagnosed Crohns.  She was there to see the fights with my ex-husband, her family was there to call the police for me when he beat me up.  She was there to face him when he blew up.  She was there when I put him in jail for domestic abuse.  She was there when I had to get my bruises photographed while my husband was in a cop car.  And she was there when he was arraigned the next morning.

She was there when I started a new life, when I bought my house, divorced my husband, worked through becoming a single mom.  She played a big part in my life.

Then life got busy.  She moved, I started two jobs, and life went on and we lost touch for a little while.

Then her ass finally joined facebook and we started talking again.  She came over for coffee (like old times) last night, hung out with me, my daughter, and it was like we never missed any time at all.  It was nice talking to someone who knows my past, who is completely on my side, and isn’t only friends with me when it benefits her.  It was nice hearing her family wanted to say hi, and hearing the stories about them and her boyfriend.  It was nice telling her all the stuff Noodle has been doing, and about Ryan.  It was hilarious getting riled up about the same shit we used to.  Before I knew it, 4 hours had passed.

There are plans to continue hanging out.  Continue.

I am happy.

Good friends are hard to come by, and the ones that are there can pick up where we left off with out a blink.  I’m lucky to have her and my other friends in my life, everyone has had such a positive impact on me and my daughter, and I’m grateful for every last one of them.  :)

Saturday Night In.

Standard

I never thought I’d be a homebody.  Never in a million years, I was too busy trying to get out of my house and have a life to even consider that to make my house a home I have to be here.  A lot can change in year and I am definitely proof of that.  So instead of trying to figure out tonight’s plans to go out and hit the town, I’m settling in and cooking dinner for myself.  My daughter weaseled a pizza lunchable out of me at the grocery so I can make whatever I want.  Chipped Beef on Toast?  Yes please!  Then after the kiddo goes to bed it’s a night of my favorite shows all curled up on the couch.

I’ve owned this house for 3 years now, and it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride so far.  Things are still crazy, but at the same time they are smoothing out (if that even makes sense).

I’ve managed to find a stable job, which I’ve been at for 1 year now (as of Wednesday)… a job that even though it gets on my nerves some days, I still look forward to going into the office in the morning.  This job has given me the monotony that I dread, but at the same time, it’s not the same thing every day.  It makes enough money to pay the bills, and then some now that Ryan has moved in and taken over his half of the mortgage and utilities.  So now I’m capable of saving money, which is something despite at times two jobs didn’t allow me to do.

Since Ry has been around he’s been kicking my butt into gear when it comes to the house.  It’s really coming along since last spring, I put in the floor myself and he painted almost every room.  With the new furniture in it looks fantastic!  He’s even been keeping my plants alive and helping me pick out picture frames and little knick knacks.  Something I never bothered to do.  Once he finished my bedroom, I now have my own little library.  He put in bookshelves up a wall and hung up a lot of my candles, it finally feels comfortable in there.  A little retreat, vacation spot for me while I’m at home.

Frankly, our little dysfunctional family and Ryan’s and my relationship has finally turned my house into a home.  For a couple years there, thanks to a divorce and thanks to my own faults, it was just a place to stay.  Now?  I take pride in my home, it’s mine, and I love it.  I actually love spending time here, there is nothing better than curling up and drinking coffee with my love.  I am as happy as I’ve been, which means it’s time to strive for even more happiness and stability.  Setting things right that have been askew for a long time.

One thing that Ryan kicked my ass into doing was filing for child support.  I had filed the motion and went to court, unfortunately it got shot down.  I finally managed to get an appointment with Child Support Enforcement and they are hunting my ex-husband down for me.  They found his social security number and have put it in the system, on top of that they have the Colorado State’s Attorney looking for him as well as Illinois.  He may never work a real job again, but if he does, or hell, even applies for assistance, they’ll find him.  They even managed to pull up my domestic abuse case, complete with pictures, and flagged it just in case he decides to lose his cool when they finally find him.

I don’t have hopes for anything, I’d honestly be surprised if he finds a real job, but it was worth it.  Anyone who hurts my daughter is instantly on my shit list, it’s just sad that it had to be her own father.  This father’s day?  It will be one year since we even heard from him, more since he left.  My heart breaks for my Noodle, but she doesn’t need someone like that in her life, she will learn that blood is NOT thicker than water, and sometimes good friends are even better than family.

Other than that nonsense, I’ve been doing what I love to do.  Write.  Not so much in this blog, but in my journal and on my pseudo book.  It’s one thing I’ve decided to pursue, not because I think I will make any money on it, but because why the hell not.  I also have been writing quite a bit in my journal… the point behind that one is simple.  It’s for my daughter.  I have well over 40 full journals so far, I started a journal as soon as I could write.  This way, when I am long gone, my kiddo can read them and get to know me as well as the person I used to be.  Maybe if I go early, she can use them for advice.  That’s one thing I wish my mother would have done is more journaling.  I think it would be easier to at least have something to read of hers, you know to feel a little closer to her even though she’s not here anymore.

Like any parent, I hope to god that I don’t die while she is young.  Going through that myself when I was in 5th grade was horrible, and even now at 26, I need my mother.  However, facing what possibly runs in my genes, what my medications can cause, as well as Crohns Disease, I do worry about it.  That’s why I have been trying to eat as healthy as I can afford, get exercise in as well as stop drinking.  I am proud of myself, I went from drinking (even just one beer) a few times a week to just once a month… maybe.  With just that alone, I feel great!  My Crohns is practically in remission, with a stray fistula symptom here and there but that’s it!  This is the best I’ve felt in years!   The next thing on my agenda?  Smoking.  I want to at least cut down to the bare minimum – a cigarette with a cup of gourmet coffee because, hello, I just can’t have coffee with out my smoke.  Haha, that’ll never change.  I’m just sick of not being able to run like I used to, and smoking doesn’t help with all of my lung infections I catch now that I’m on Remicade.  So smoking is next, I think I can do it, I just have to get up the courage to actually let myself run out of cigarettes.  I hope I get that courage soon.

Things are good.  I never thought I’d be on this path in life, but you know what?  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I love my family, I love Ryan, and things are on the up and up and I won’t let that change.  :)