Wheezing costs money

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Being a single parent sucks sometimes, hell, being a single parent with a chronic illness really sucks, but that’s neither here nor there.

My little Buddha has been wheezing up a storm lately. We know she’s allergic to cats (not much to the little black fur-ball of hell that we own, but other people’s cats) and when she gets a cold, she immediately feels it in her chest. She’s past the freaking out part, but has a hard time running around and sleeping despite all of the old asthma tricks I know.

So anyway, on Friday she was wheezing, I chalked it up to asshole cat sleeping on her face or something, but it didn’t go away, so I kept her home. Thankfully we have some prescriptions from her doctor, that should kick it in the butt pretty quickly, so there’s that positive note. Unfortunately, even though I met my prescription deductible, the short one did not, so that was the rest of my money and then some.

This is where I’ve struggled the most raising her on my own. Between childcare (which is 1/3 to 1/2 of my paycheck), to every day things like colds, it kicks me right in the bank account. It doesn’t help that I miss days due to my own illness, but I always somehow figure out a way to make it work.

Honestly though, it’s times like this.. where I’m shit broke before Christmas, that I get angry at the sperm donor. Both Noodle and I have LONG gotten over him disappearing to make more babies in Colorado, and I prefer he stay the fuck away at this point, but Christ. He toted to everyone that he was such a good dad, yet since he’s left.. nothing. Not a single dime of child support, no health insurance for Noodle, and he’s supposed to pay half of daycare. I know he’s occasionally paying his other “baby mama” here, but nothing. Yet the fucker goes off and pro-creates again in another state. Man, I sure do know how to pick em. Ugh.

Whatever though, as most of you know, my kid is wise beyond her years. Back when she was 7 she picked up that her dad was a scum bag when one of the kids at school explained what a dead beat was. She understands, she accepts it, and she’s understanding of the fact that I do my best to cover both parental roles. The benefit of all that, is she is a very grateful child, and she understands money more than most kids her age.

It still sucks to have to count pennies and pick bills to pay around the Christmas Season. When all is said and done though, I’m proud as hell of the fact that I’ve been making it work this far. Noodle will grow up knowing that I took care of her on my own.

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“I have my Mother’s Dreams, I have my Father’s Eyes…

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… You can’t take that from me, just go ahead and try” – Rise Against

There’s one thing that I’ve always lived by, it’s that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it.  If you want something so bad that your heart feels like it’s going to explode unless you get it, you’ll find a way.  You’ll work and work and strive and sweat until you get whatever it is you want.  One of my exes actually said it best (now that I stopped hating him and actually listened): “You’re spoiled.  Not because you’ve been handed everything, because if you want something you refuse to accept failure, if you want something you get it.”

It’s been a pretty good motto to live by, especially when life is hard, which in my life is frequently.  Ha, I’m pretty sure life was only easy when all I had to worry about was saving my allowance to get the most current issue of the metal (music) mag I loved.  Through out this battle which I hesitantly call my life, I’ve been told I wouldn’t get this or that.  I wouldn’t go as far as so and so.  I would fail at whatever I was aiming for.  After hearing all of that, well, if any of you know my personality, ha, I busted ass and did it anyway.  Every step in this life, at least since I was a teenager has been a struggle, and frankly I’m glad it has been.  It’s taught me that I can fight a lot harder than I thought I could and that I can achieve anything I set my (bull-headed-stubborn-ass-annoying-don’t-take-no-for-an-answer) mind to.  Life has taught me I CAN do anything I want.  I CAN own a house, I CAN go to school, I CAN settle into a career (even if I want to burn the office down daily), I CAN be a parent albeit a single parent.  I CAN do anything and I HAVE done everything I’ve set my mind to.

Regardless of how bad any situation is, no one can ever take your dreams away.  It might seem like they can stomp out your hope, but deep down you’ll still have those dreams of what you want life to be like.  All it takes is a little determination and a little ass-kicking to get it done.  Trust me, it’s worth it, even if you make it by baby steps, every single fucking one of those steps is a victory.

Now though, I’m at a cross roads.  I’m debating on whether or not I should go for another degree, I’ve been thinking on it for a while now, and have set a deadline for the decision to be by the next spring semester.  I’m thinking about maybe a Bachelors in Criminal Justice (no, I don’t want to be a cop), but I’m just not sure.  I do like the current job I have, and if the company shows me potential that I can advance I wouldn’t mind just adding some classes to what I have already.  However, I like Criminal Justice and think I could make a decent career out of it.  So I’m weighing my options.  4 more years of college?  No school and full focus on my family.  A steady $45,000 a year to do what I’m interested in?  Staying at a company I like regardless of pay.  I’m also weighing it against my other goals.  Will this put off my goal of buying another house in a handful of years?  Impact the remodeling?  Impact my family negatively?  There’s a lot to go into it, and I hate setting aside goals to achieve others.  Whatever,  I have a few months to think on it… and whatever it is I do.. I know I have the support of the boyfriend and my family.

Since I know I can accomplish my dreams, it’s just a matter of choosing which dream to hunt down first.