Hey, at least I don’t have to water the flowers

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It’s been one hell of a long day, the customers and phone calls just wouldn’t stop coming! ¬†The plus side was that the day flew by, but the negative? ¬†I’m exhausted. ¬†I was so relieved when I pulled into my driveway, and even more so to be able to sit down and relax with a hot cup of coffee. ¬†The short little thunderstorm helped with my nerves too. ¬†My plans for the rest of the night? ¬†Well, right now, just relaxing in the kitchen, watching the boyfriend cook dinner (sadly enough he cooks more than me). ¬†Then after dinner? ¬†Relaxing on the couch and watching my favorite sci-fi show… Lost Girl. ¬†To say I’m excited about curling up in bed tonight is most definitely an understatement.

So things have just been generally crazy around here. ¬†I have some great company to endure the chaos with, my friend Kate is still a constant. ¬†We managed to tackle a good portion of the housework this past weekend and knock out another portion of shopping for my little Noodle’s birthday, I’m almost done and Kate got her a ton of stuff! ¬†I still have some bigger ticket items to get, but most of the little gifts are set. ¬†On Sunday I went over to her house to visit her family (which is another one of my adopted families, they were there for me through all of the domestic crap with my ex as well as the first 2ish years of Crohns). ¬†Unfortunately I missed her parents, but there’s always next weekend! ¬†I can’t wait to see them again. ¬†Last night after work, Kate and her sister came over to visit… that was awesome and Ry took it upon himself to make us all dinner. ¬†To say that he’s got a thumbs up from those two is an understatement… and their opinions mean a lot to me.

Beyond all of that, just menial chores and work. ¬†I’ve been pondering over a pretty big decision in my head too… this fall I believe I’m going back to college… not to work on that Bachelors in Business (honestly because I’d rather eat my own ass than take one more accounting course), but to head for (starters) my Associates in Criminal Justice. ¬†End goal? ¬†Bachelors. ¬†If I get bored? ¬†Masters. ¬†Criminal Justice is something I’ve always been interested in, but of course I never wanted to become a Police Officer so I just abandoned it not realizing that I could take it so much farther. ¬†So after doing lots of research, I think I’m just going to dive in. ¬†I’m excited… more like thrilled… and even more so that I have the support of so many people. ¬†I can’t wait.

In the mean time though, it’s time to get ready for dinner. ¬†I hope everyone is doing well since I haven’t had time to check in on anyones blogs this week. ¬†Happy Almost Hump Day.

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A Bitch Called Hope

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There’s this song by Blood for Blood (if you haven’t heard them and don’t like hardcore, don’t waste your time. ¬†You’ll want to stab yourself in the ears.) called “A Bitch Called Hope”. ¬†I used to relate to that song a lot, hell even now, more than 8 years later. ¬†Hope is a hard thing to hold onto sometimes, but one thing I’ve realized through all of these years? ¬†I need to have hope. ¬†I need hope to thrive, to survive, and to strive for more. ¬†With out hope I get nowhere… as I proved for a couple years as a teenager.

At the same time though, when you hope and pray for something, especially when you’ve worked your ass off for it, and whatever it is falls through? ¬†It’s devastating. ¬†Sometimes hope can almost destroy you in the end, and knowing that is what makes it so hard. ¬†Hope is a bitch, a cold-hearted bitch, and that stupid bitch will screw you over if you give it the chance. ¬†So sometimes I’m wary of hope.

I’ve always lived by the motto: Hope for the best, expect the worst and work your fucking ass off in the meantime. ¬†I think that whole line of thought is what has gotten me labeled as a pessimist more than a handful of times, but you know what? ¬†It works for me. ¬†It keeps my ass in gear, my mind working, and helps me prepare for the worst in any¬†scenario. ¬†It allows me to continue to bust ass for something I want, but kind prepare for if things don’t work out as planned. ¬†Almost mutes the devastation if it comes my way.

There has been so much going on in the past few years, quite honestly a lot of it got me down for a while there. ¬†In the not to recent past I had almost¬†given up hope that things would get better. ¬†I saw nothing in my dead end jobs, nothing good coming out of being a single mother working sometimes upwards of 16 hour days. ¬†I lost the motivation to love my life and improve what I didn’t love. ¬†I did the basics for my daughter, made her life as perfect as I could, but as for everything else? ¬†I shut down. ¬†In all reality, that helpless feeling I had as I watched my life circle the drain broke me. ¬†It did, it broke me far worse than the abusive marriage I was in, my self-caused train wreck teen years, anything. ¬†That hope that I had clung to for so many years just¬†disappeared.

When things were getting to be damned near unbearable, I finally caught a break. ¬†I was offered a job, and then immediately offered my current job. ¬†Then, like a brick through a bay window, that hope was back. ¬†I knew that if I kept busting ass, life would get better. ¬†You know what? ¬†It most definitely has. ¬†It’s never ending hard work, but it’s worth it. ¬†Last Spring/late winter, one year ago, I was sitting at this kitchen table trying to figure out how to afford my gas bill. ¬†I was barely making enough to afford food, much less my bills and medical treatments. ¬†I was sitting at this table, praying for a hand up, a break, something. ¬†I was headfirst into a bottle a lot of those nights, because at that point I didn’t even want to cope. ¬†I just wanted peace.

Now? ¬†Things are much better. ¬†Not perfect, but enough to make me happy. ¬†I’m still at a wonderful job, I’m in a wonderful relationship, and I’m working on my relationships with my family and a few old friends. ¬†I realized that I need to keep busting my ass and fix my life, and since I was given that sliver of hope, it’s been a fight to keep it ever since. ¬†It’s nice to be able to look back and reflect, the contrast between last year and this one…. it just proves that it was worth it all. ¬†That things DO get better if you work for it, and having that little bit of hope just pushes you along.

Hope is still a bitch though, but hope is here to stay.

Saturday Night In.

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I never thought I’d be a homebody. ¬†Never in a million years, I was too busy trying to get out of my house and have a life to even consider that to make my house a home I have to be here. ¬†A lot can change in year and I am definitely proof of that. ¬†So instead of trying to figure out tonight’s plans to go out and hit the town, I’m settling in and cooking dinner for myself. ¬†My daughter¬†weaseled¬†a pizza lunchable out of me at the grocery so I can make whatever I want. ¬†Chipped Beef on Toast? ¬†Yes please! ¬†Then after the kiddo goes to bed it’s a night of my favorite shows all curled up on the couch.

I’ve owned this house for 3 years now, and it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster ride so far. ¬†Things are still crazy, but at the same time they are smoothing out (if that even makes sense).

I’ve managed to find a stable job, which I’ve been at for 1 year now (as of Wednesday)… a job that even though it gets on my nerves some days, I still look forward to going into the office in the morning. ¬†This job has given me the monotony that I dread, but at the same time, it’s not the same thing every day. ¬†It makes enough money to pay the bills, and then some now that Ryan has moved in and taken over his half of the mortgage and utilities. ¬†So now I’m capable of saving money, which is something despite at times two jobs didn’t allow me to do.

Since Ry has been around he’s been kicking my butt into gear when it comes to the house. ¬†It’s really coming along since last spring, I put in the floor myself and he painted almost every room. ¬†With the new furniture in it looks fantastic! ¬†He’s even been keeping my plants alive and helping me pick out picture frames and little knick knacks. ¬†Something I never bothered to do. ¬†Once he finished my bedroom, I now have my own little library. ¬†He put in bookshelves up a wall and hung up a lot of my candles, it finally feels comfortable in there. ¬†A little retreat, vacation spot for me while I’m at home.

Frankly, our little dysfunctional family and Ryan’s and my relationship has finally turned my house into a home. ¬†For a couple years there, thanks to a divorce and thanks to my own faults, it was just a place to stay. ¬†Now? ¬†I take pride in my home, it’s mine, and I love it. ¬†I actually love spending time here, there is nothing better than curling up and drinking coffee with my love. ¬†I am as happy as I’ve been, which means it’s time to strive for even more happiness and stability. ¬†Setting things right that have been askew for a long time.

One thing that Ryan kicked my ass into doing was filing for child support. ¬†I had filed the motion and went to court, unfortunately it got shot down. ¬†I finally managed to get an appointment with Child Support Enforcement and they are hunting my ex-husband down for me. ¬†They found his social security number and have put it in the system, on top of that they have the Colorado State’s Attorney looking for him as well as Illinois. ¬†He may never work a real job again, but if he does, or hell, even applies for assistance, they’ll find him. ¬†They even managed to pull up my domestic abuse case, complete with pictures, and flagged it just in case he decides to lose his cool when they finally find him.

I don’t have hopes for anything, I’d honestly be surprised if he finds a real job, but it was worth it. ¬†Anyone who hurts my daughter is instantly on my shit list, it’s just sad that it had to be her own father. ¬†This father’s day? ¬†It will be one year since we even heard from him, more since he left. ¬†My heart breaks for my Noodle, but she doesn’t need someone like that in her life, she will learn that blood is NOT thicker than water, and sometimes good friends are even better than family.

Other than that nonsense, I’ve been doing what I love to do. ¬†Write. ¬†Not so much in this blog, but in my journal and on my pseudo book. ¬†It’s one thing I’ve decided to¬†pursue, not because I think I will make any money on it, but because why the hell not. ¬†I also have been writing quite a bit in my journal… the point behind that one is simple. ¬†It’s for my daughter. ¬†I have well over 40 full journals so far, I started a journal as soon as I could write. ¬†This way, when I am long gone, my kiddo can read them and get to know me as well as the person I used to be. ¬†Maybe if I go early, she can use them for advice. ¬†That’s one thing I wish my mother would have done is more journaling. ¬†I think it would be easier to at least have something to read of hers, you know to feel a little closer to her even though she’s not here anymore.

Like any parent, I hope to god that I don’t die while she is young. ¬†Going through that myself when I was in 5th grade was horrible, and even now at 26, I need my mother. ¬†However, facing what possibly runs in my genes, what my medications can cause, as well as Crohns Disease, I do worry about it. ¬†That’s why I have been trying to eat as healthy as I can afford, get exercise in as well as stop drinking. ¬†I am proud of myself, I went from drinking (even just one beer) a few times a week to just once a month… maybe. ¬†With just that alone, I feel great! ¬†My Crohns is practically in remission, with a stray fistula symptom here and there but that’s it! ¬†This is the best I’ve felt in years! ¬† The next thing on my agenda? ¬†Smoking. ¬†I want to at least cut down to the bare minimum – a cigarette with a cup of gourmet coffee because, hello, I just can’t have coffee with out my smoke. ¬†Haha, that’ll never change. ¬†I’m just sick of not being able to run like I used to, and smoking doesn’t help with all of my lung infections I catch now that I’m on Remicade. ¬†So smoking is next, I think I can do it, I just have to get up the courage to actually let myself run out of cigarettes. ¬†I hope I get that courage soon.

Things are good. ¬†I never thought I’d be on this path in life, but you know what? ¬†I wouldn’t trade it for the world. ¬†I love my family, I love Ryan, and things are on the up and up and I won’t let that change. ¬†:)

Life is like a bottle of whiskey

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Crazy. ¬†It’s been simply crazy. ¬†To say I’m looking forward to things getting smoother is an under-statement. ¬†At the same time, relaxing after work with a hot cup of coffee, looking forward to stuffed pork chops that the boyfriend is making for dinner… is well… happiness. ¬†I guess all the chaos is eventually going to calm down, and I’ll be left with these moments.

So we’re mostly unpacked here at the house. ¬†The house is in order minus a bag (the size of my goddamned self) of tupperware and some of the older short one’s toys. ¬†I must say, it looks quite nice in here. ¬†We ended up pitching a bunch of my stuff and moving some of his stuff into storage, needless to say we now have his nice couches and tables/bed/dresser in my house… and… wait for it… his (almost) brand new stove! ¬†Ha. ¬†As a thank you for him installing that, I made BBQ pork ribs once it was in. ¬†Having the house pretty much set definitely calms down my nerves.

Other than that, just trying to get things in order. ¬†Ry and I are both working on our past legal problems. ¬†We both have DUI’s and both of them need to be finished up. ¬†Thankfully I was smart enough to get almost everything taken care of for mine, the last bit of it is the Victim Impact Panel which I have scheduled for Wednesday this week. ¬†Ryan is most of the way through his classes and is working on his community service (thank god I didn’t blow a high amount… I was rated a minimal risk, so only got 10 hrs of class, no community service, and a reduced fine). ¬†I am turning in my payment to get my license back tomorrow and I’ll be rid of the baiid device next month. Beyond that, getting new tires for the hoopty I’m driving. ¬†I’ve decided to keep stashing away money to get a nicer car than originally intended. ¬†Might as well, I’m sure I can keep the Altima alive for a bit longer. :0) All I need right now is a tune up, and we already tuned up the bike for this summer so that is all taken care of.

The House? ¬†Well, the house is coming together nicely, I feel all adult like haha. ¬†We spent Sunday out in the yard. ¬†Put the new lawn mower (thanks Dad!) together and away, planted my new rose bushes and bleeding heart plants right along side of my lilies and hastas. ¬†Once we put together our new lawn furniture and hung the baskets of flowers up I nearly fell over at how nice the yard is looking. ¬†Not a whole lot is on the to-do list for the house at the moment. ¬†There is still 2 bedrooms to paint, but other than that and hanging up some candles it’s all set. ¬†The next big project is building my deck, which will come later this spring.

Other than all of that nonsense, I’ve set a few new “goals” so to speak for myself. ¬†The biggest one is to get back into reading, with as hectic these last few months have been I haven’t been reading much lately. ¬†I have 4 books on my to-read list. ¬†The second biggest one? ¬†Working on my book. ¬†I started writing a while ago, a friend of mine finally pushed me far enough that I’m going to give it a go. ¬†I’m not releasing it until it’s done, and with the help of an editor friend of mine and self-publishing, I should be good to go when the time comes. ¬†Writing is my world, and I’ve been told, especially for my short stories (which most of you haven’t had to bear) that I should just give it a go. ¬†So I am. ¬†:) Even if I decide in the future to keep my book to myself, I enjoy the writing itself. ¬†So it’s a win- win.

Sorry for the bland post everyone! ¬†It’s been so crazy I haven’t had time to be pissed off, much less rant about something (besides some of the republican candidates… but I’ll keep that to myself for now haha). ¬†Hope everyone is well, and many a beer will be had for you all this weekend. ¬†:)

 

Traditional to boot… or with boots. Combat Boots?

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So I have a designated hour to myself this morning.  I am curled up in bed with my coffee before I start my to-do list.  Noodle is home from school today even (annoyingly so) she is acting normal.  So I got up, dropped the boyfriend off at work and got home a little while ago after running a quick errand.  I do have to say, in this bit of time I have to think, I am a bit nostalgic.

Last night I reverted directly into my old stay-at-home-mom role. ¬†As I was fixing dinner, (at a normal time for a change) I started planning my to-do list for today. ¬†Breakfast, laundry, bedding, shampoo the carpet, clean out the car, coffee and if Noodle’s throat keeps on not-hurting a trip to the pond at the forest preserve so she can run off the med induced hyper-mania. ¬†Planned dinner for tonight, even though the boyfriend will be back late after his class.

With out even thinking.

When it comes to the ideal life, I am extremely traditional (hey feminists, I can kick your ass even if I am barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen…. remember… we fought for the right to CHOOSE our lifestyle). ¬†I believe the best place for me is at home. ¬†When I was a stay at home mom/wife, I found a huge amount of pride in keeping my home beautiful, having food on the table just in time for my husband to come home, and spending time with my child. ¬†I loved the domestic aspect. ¬†In my home, if I had it my way in the future, I’d be able to be home to cook dinner at a reasonable time, yet still have time to play with my kid, help with homework and maintain the house. ¬†I feel like housework and (most of) cooking is the woman’s job. ¬†The man? ¬†Yardwork (except for gardening, that’s mine too.) trash,¬†maintenance jobs, drains (yuck), and car repair. ¬†Traditional. ¬†That’s how I am most comfortable. ¬†I like to take care of my child and my man full time.

That being said, my mind is not made for staying at home 24/7 (hence why I went to college). ¬†I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay at home like that again. Again, if I had it my way in the future, I’d work part time and then come back to the home front.

Ahhhh, how I wish things could be. ¬†Unfortunately I’m a single parent. ¬†I’m doomed to a life of full time work, seeing my co-workers more than my child, losing out on homework time, and shoving a weeks worth of housework into the evening hours or weekends. So I guess in the mean time, I’ll just thrive for the weekends, and the long summer days where I can be outside with my kid more. ¬†Hah.

*** Alright, just because someone will get irritated by this post I am reiterating.  This is how I want MY life to be.  How I feel MY family should run.  How I want to run MY house.  My views.  Not yours.  Pertaining to ME, MY family and MY house.  Not yours.  So un-bunch your panties.

Luck comes in the form of a wrench.

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Sitting on my couch right now, the mini-me is eating her lunch and my Dad and The Boyfriend are installing my new water heater. ¬†I can’t help but think about how lucky I am. ¬†I’m lucky because my Dad bought me a new water heater as a gift, so I wouldn’t be broke. ¬†I’m lucky that Dad and Ry are installing it for me, since I don’t think I could even lift the tank, there for saving me money in labor. ¬†I’m a hands on girl, but sometimes brute strength is essential. ¬†So instead of going broke and pulling every muscle in my body, I get to relax and listen to them chatter¬†among¬†themselves.

I had a little conversation with The Boyfriend last night. ¬†I told him how much I appreciate the help he’s been giving me. ¬†This house had gotten so overwhelming with all of the remodeling and cleaning on the To-Do List. ¬†Working 40+ hours a week and dealing with Crohns made the whole ordeal so incredibly daunting I damn near had an anxiety attack. ¬†Since The Boyfriend arrived and booted his way into my life he’s done nothing but help me. ¬†From painting my house to minor repairs. ¬†To ceiling fans, thermostats, and now the water heater. ¬†When he started steam cleaning the carpets (I still have carpet in the bedroom) and scrubbing cabinets last night I realized how lucky I am.

As far as I’m concerned, it takes a special someone to really see what a person needs. ¬†When I asked him why he does so much for me, the little repairs and such, he responded with “I see how much the little things make you happy.” ¬†That kind of person is someone worth holding on to. ¬†I’m very lucky I met him, much more that we’ve been able to stick it out through out all the various drama and issues thus far.

You never really know where a relationship is heading, you never really know if it’ll last. ¬†I’m not just talking about love, I’m talking about friendships. ¬†If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past handful of years is that you have to learn how to enjoy things in the moment. ¬†Make the memories that mean something, that way you’ll always have a bit of that someone in your heart (whether or not you like it). ¬†These days I surround myself with people who matter. ¬†People who show compassion, people I care about, people whom I’d go above and beyond for as well as vice versa. ¬†It’s much easier to live a happy life if you minimize the toxicity in it. ¬†It’s hard to see the negative aspects sometimes, but when you do, when you rid yourself of them, you feel a difference. ¬†Trust me.

I’m lucky enough, finally, at this point in my life, to not only have a wonderful family but a secure set of friends and a boyfriend… all of which I’d do just about anything for (sorry kids, my kidneys are MIIIINE). ¬†It took a long time to figure out who and what I needed in my life, but now? ¬†Even on the worst days, there’s warmth inside of me… instead of just regret. ¬†So I think I’m going to go make a cup of tea and watch the boys work. ¬†I hope everyone has had a great weekend so far. ¬†I’ll be back for more random writing later!

 

 

[ps. Sorry for the un-funny, not-violent, almost-profanity-free blog.  Just had to get all of that crap out of my head.  :)]

Smooth out the stress.

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Sometimes stress can get the better of you. ¬†Financial stress, crotch-fruit induced stress, work stress, you name it. ¬†Having an anxiety disorder compounds all of that and causes it to explode. ¬†If I don’t keep my anxiety in check, it has the potential to come raining down on me and cause a long-lasting-anxiety attack.

Usually I deal with my anxiety through music, and seeing as how I have been a bit overwhelmed today the music was cranked up high. ¬†Created a new station on my Pandora One and dubbed it “16 year old Sarah”. ¬†I spent most of the day tuning said station to all of the nasty gnarly punk rock I used to listen to. ¬†Just hearing all of those songs brought a smile to my face as well as many a memory. ¬†So tomorrow is officially Punk Rock Thursday.

Things have been pretty good lately, the boyfriend has been helping work on the house. ¬†He has installed 1 (out of 2) ceiling fans he’s gotten me, brought me 2 different sets of shelving for my converted mini-library. ¬†Oh and a new thermostat and area rug, not to mention the wrought iron candle set. ¬†I’m pretty sure the fun just leaked out of me and I showed my age… but hey! I’m excited that my house is looking better by the day. :)

Other than that it’s just been the same ole shit. ¬†Trying to get ahead at work, cleaning at home, and spending time with my kiddo as well as our little dysfunctional misfit family.

At the same time though I’m dealing with the same ole stressors as well.

My Crohns is active again, and I’m still a couple weeks out for another Remicade Infusion… and my fistula is STILL there more than a year and a half later. ¬†I’m putting off surgery until after April, when I finally accrue vacation/sick time at work. ¬†I hate calling off work as it is, but I think half days for my infusions are acceptable… however, a few days for recovery? ¬†Not so much…. not only that, but if you’re familiar with the budget of a single mom, I can’t afford to lose that much money out of my paycheck. ¬†The boyfriend and my family have promised to help me out if I decide to have the surgery, but still, I hate depending on people.

Other than that there is the (seemingly) never ending debt. ¬†I’m still working on paying of random debt… and I will be for a long time. ¬†Just seeing my list freaks me out, but I know it’ll pay off in the long run. ¬†My goal is to get my credit high enough so that when it comes time to sell this house I can afford to finance a much bigger sum. ¬†That’s a long way off so I have quite a bit of time to work on it, but still.

Don’t forget the every day triggers. ¬†Today I was stressed because of the amount of running around I had to do to help the boyfriend. ¬†I’m not much one to do anything after work, much less spend that much time in the car. ¬†I don’t mind helping out per say, but when all you want to do is relax, driving for a couple hours is not pleasant. ¬†Ohh well. ¬†That’s over for now.

I can’t wait until the weather warms up a little. ¬†I could sure use a run in the forest preserve… not to mention the drive to the lake house and the hours out on the lake. ¬†This time I can bring the boy. ¬†I can’t wait.